My Lawyer seems like he's on uBPDwife's Side

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My lawyer sucks and I feel he is helping my uBPDwife more than helping me!  He's even accused ME of being the problem... . He doesn't get it... . I've even showed him emails, threats, police reports of $1,000 damage to my house, photographic evidence of rages, photos of bite marks, texts, etc and he STILL seems to be siding with her.  I have mediation in the morning and I called him twice to find out what I'm in for and he hasn't even called me back.  I asked the paralegal if there's anything I need to do or know for the session and her flat out 1 word answer was NO.  When my uBPD wife filed a false restraining order against me, I suggested filing one in return against her for biting me!  He said it would seem vindictive and he negotiated the TRO down to a Civil Restraint 4 weeks later.  I hadn't been able to see my daughter for 4 weeks and now I have this CR on my record forever... . At least if I filed against her too, we could've negotiated that if she drops hers, i'll drop mine... .

I feel like I wasted $13,000 already.  What can I do?  I'm out of $$... . Can I get free help or advice?  I make a good salary, but it's ALL going to Temp Child Support and Temp Spousal Support... . of $2,000 a month (he negotiated).  I'm now 2 months behind on my mortgage, car lease, etc, while my ex refuses to work... . She had a job earning $125k a year before she took maternity leave last year, but refuses to go back!

What should I do, since I can't afford another retainer?

[kfifd196]

My lawyer sucks and I feel he is helping my uBPDwife more than helping me!  He's even accused ME of being the problem... . He doesn't get it... . I've even showed him emails, threats, police reports of $1,000 damage to my house, photographic evidence of rages, photos of bite marks, texts, etc and he STILL seems to be siding with her.  I have mediation in the morning and I called him twice to find out what I'm in for and he hasn't even called me back.  I asked the paralegal if there's anything I need to do or know for the session and her flat out 1 word answer was NO.  When my uBPD wife filed a false restraining order against me, I suggested filing one in return against her for biting me!  He said it would seem vindictive and he negotiated the TRO down to a Civil Restraint 4 weeks later.  I hadn't been able to see my daughter for 4 weeks and now I have this CR on my record forever... . At least if I filed against her too, we could've negotiated that if she drops hers, i'll drop mine... .

I feel like I wasted $13,000 already.  What can I do?  I'm out of $$... . Can I get free help or advice?  I make a good salary, but it's ALL going to Temp Child Support and Temp Spousal Support... . of $2,000 a month (he negotiated).  I'm now 2 months behind on my mortgage, car lease, etc, while my ex refuses to work... . She had a job earning $125k a year before she took maternity leave last year, but refuses to go back!

What should I do, since I can't afford another retainer?

[Matt]

You need to have a frank talk with him, right away.

Tell him exactly what you've told us.  Tell him what you expected of him and what you got from him, and where he came up short.

Make it clear to him exactly what you expect of him over the short term - the next few days or weeks - and follow up with a written summary.

Remember, you are his boss.  He works for you.  You can't require him to do anything illegal or unethical, but you absolutely can and should instruct him on what you expect him to do.

If he does not comply, you need to fire him, in writing, and demand a refund of the remaining money.

You may also want to talk to your state's bar association and find out about their services.  Again, tell them exactly what you wrote here - you are not getting the work you are asking for and you can't afford to pay another retainer.  The bar association may be willing to intervene and mediate, to keep you from filing a complaint.

Make it clear to both the attorney and the bar association that if you don't get the work you expect you will file a complaint against the attorney.  Find out exactly how to do that so you know what you are talking about.  Most attorneys will act right once they know that if they don't you will file a complaint - they don't want that on their record.

Remember, follow up every conversation with an e-mail so there is a written record of what is going on.

Regarding your calls, make it clear to him - in writing - that you expect him to return your calls the same day, even if he has to call you back after 5:00.  It is not acceptable for him to fail to communicate with you.

Finally, remember that you set the strategy and he must follow your instructions.  He can advise you but you make the decisions, such as the decision about whether to file a restraining order.  (You can do that yourself, without an attorney, but if you have an attorney he should do that.)

Consider writing him e-mails worded as instructions:

From:  Kfifd

To:  Attorney

Re:  Restraining order.

Mr. Attorney,

Attached please find several pieces of evidence showing that Mrs. 196 physically attacked me on Date.

Please file a motion with the court requesting a temporary restraining order, with the attached evidence, by close of business Friday.

If you would like to discuss this I can be reached any time at xxx.xxxx.

Thank you,

Kfifd196

If he doesn't respond within 24 hours, a second note might be something like:

Mr. Attorney,

Yesterday I sent you the note below, but you did not respond.

Please respond today to confirm that you will file the motion I instructed you to file by close of business Friday.

If I do not hear from you today I will proceed with a formal complaint holding you accountable for your failure to perform your work in a timely way, and failure to communicate with me in a timely and professional manner, and seeking a return of the money I have paid you.

Regards,

Always courteous and professional, but firm and clear.

He works for you.  You are his boss.  He is your employee.  He is behaving in an unprofessional manner and that is not acceptable.

[AlonelyOne]

You need to find a new attorney. Look for one in which folks comment that they've been through a few attorneys, and this one finally saved the day.

A bad attorney is far worse than NO ATTORNEY IMHO.

[ForeverDad]

I wish I could ask, Is he playing Devil's Advocate, testing out ex's possible strategies and responses?  From what you've described, I doubt it.  In Bille Eddy's SPLITTING handbook he advises you need an assertive and problem-solving family law attorney, not a forms filer, not a passive hand holder.  Inaction = enabling.

Yes, it may be that some of the issues were not huge issues, but since some were major then you want the confidence in your lawyer to go above and beyond nay-saying and going-with-the-flow.

[Matt]

I wish I could ask, Is he playing Devil's Advocate, testing out ex's possible strategies and responses?  From what you've described, I doubt it.  In Bille Eddy's SPLITTING handbook he advises you need an assertive and problem-solving family law attorney, not a forms filer, not a passive hand holder.  Inaction = enabling.

Yes, it may be that some of the issues were not huge issues, but since some were major then you want the confidence in your lawyer to go above and beyond nay-saying and going-with-the-flow.

Yes, for all the above reasons, you need someone who is a strong advocate and advisor for you.

And there's another reason... .

When we go through these situations, we're not at our best.  We doubt ourselves and struggle with depression.  We wouldn't be human if we didn't - it's a new and difficult experience and very stressful.

We need to surround ourselves with people who give us help we need.  Family and close friends who may not have a clue but who care about us;  peers (like here) who have been there and done that and can share our experiences;  and professionals who can help us solve problems.  We don't need to spend time with people who make us feel worse.

You can tell your attorney, "My wife did such-and-such, and that is relevant to the case, so it needs to be included in what we file.";  if he asks questions to clarify, that's good, or if he challenges what you say, as FD suggests, that could be helpful too, so long as he accepts what you say as true.

If at any point he is actually working against you - if he indicates that he doesn't believe what you said, or if he refuses to do the work you ask him to do - you need to be prepared to confront him about that:  "What I am telling you is true.  It's not your job to tell me what happened, it's your job to listen while I tell you what happened, and proceed with the case accordingly.  If that is a problem for you, you need to get over that problem fast, and handle the case professionally - can you do that?"

[Iforget]

If the amount your paying in support and alimony is a financial hardship you can have it reduced. Fire the attorney. I fired My first one. He was passive, incompetent, and insulting. The one I have now was recommended by my T. She is assertive, aggressive and experienced with BPD. When interviewing a new L ask them how the will handle situation xyz. It will give u a good feel.

[kfifd196]

Thank you.  I can't afford to hire a new lawyer and I've given him $10,000 already, which is gone... . he is $500 an hour and was supposed to be very good.  I have tons of documents IN MY UBPD Wife's OWN HANDWRITING & EMAILS, TEXTS, ETC... of threats, signs of Jekyll & Hyde Personality, Rages, Police Reports, etc.  Love notes one day, I hate you's the next and back to Her telling me how grateful and blessed she is to be my wife... . But, he says "why did you stay married to her"... . If she was really this bad, you would have divorced her.  My beliefs are, I took a vow, when I got married... . for better or worse, plus my wife TOLD ME about her abandonment issues (yes, I have that in writing, texts, etc), so why would I abandon her?  She even thanked me in her wedding vows, which she wrote herself, for being patient with her and not giving up on her or us.  She is hurt and is scared of being vulnerable.  She changed drastically, when she got pregnant and I believe she sees herslef in our daughter and doesn't want our daughter to suffer "her pain", but she is actually causing it.

I am meeting with my lawyer at noon tomorrow to let him know my feelings... . I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks, even though I called him prior to the 1st mediation session, because I was nervous.  He never even called to see how it went (he wasn't there that day, only me, my wife and the mediator).  My wife is filled with anger and makes false accusations and is trying to destroy me.  This is the woman who 2 days before her last rage, was planning our summer vacation, our daughter's 1st b-day party and telling me how much she loved me!  It is very obvious she has BPD or Bi-Polar and this contributed to our separation.  I need someone in my corner, to get the court or someone to listen to me and halt this divorce or at least get her parents to talk to me!  I am a GOOD , LOVING, CARING person, who never hurt a soul and this evil side of her is making me out to be this awful abusing, cheating, lying person, that I am not!   

[Matt]

You need to fire him, and demand part of the money back.  Decide what you think is fair - for example, if you decide it would be fair for him to keep half the money - tell him, "Either give me back half the money or I will file a complaint with the state bar association."  You can call the state bar association and ask for their help - they probably provide mediation to minimize the number of complaints filed against attorneys.  They might tell him, "You should give her back half the money so you won't have a complaint on your record."

Don't be weak or extreme or unfair - approach it as one professional to another - "You have not provided the services I expected and you have not shown interest in achieving my goals.  I expect you to refund half the money within one week." (or whatever amount you believe is fair).

Once you have fired him, you can take a deep breath and decide what to do.  You might find a way to afford another attorney, or you might be able to find legal aid cheaper somehow.  It makes no sense to let this guy jerk you around and keep paying him $500 an hour!

[livednlearned]

You can't afford to stay with an L who takes 2 weeks to respond.

Even though it sounds like he isn't working for you, I will say that his comment "If she was so bad, why did you stay with her" is similar to what my lawyer said to me. But her point was strategic. Saying that N/BPDx was a fall-down horrible raging alcoholic for the better portion of our marriage made it look like I wasn't a good parent. The judge might think, Dad is a drunk, but mom didn't leave. Couldn't have been that bad.

It's not fair, but it's not uncommon either.

A good lawyer will help you find a way to tell the story without needing to dig into your marriage vows and who said what and when. He or she will talk about the right strategy for you to move forward without having a crappy custody arrangement hanging over your head and a civil restraint dogging you.

The difficult truth of all this is that no one -- not the lawyer, not the judge -- no one wants to hear a he said-she said hearing. They want third party professionals, psych evals, depositions, and other tools of court to figure out what's going on. Documentation, at least in family court, is usually only significant in terms of how it impacts the well-being of the kids.

My ex kept trying to dredge up emails I wrote back when I tried to appease him after his rages. Court could care less. They only want to hear about things roughly six months prior. Everything else is pfffft.

[Matt]

It might be helpful for an attorney to play Devil's Advocate from time to time, to help you get better at telling your story, but he should make it clear that's what he's doing, and at the end, he should help you see what you can learn from the exercise.  You should feel more confident because you are becoming better at making your case, not beaten down by somebody you're paying to be your advocate.

[trappeddad]

You need to fire him, and demand part of the money back.  Decide what you think is fair - for example, if you decide it would be fair for him to keep half the money - tell him, "Either give me back half the money or I will file a complaint with the state bar association."  You can call the state bar association and ask for their help - they probably provide mediation to minimize the number of complaints filed against attorneys.  They might tell him, "You should give her back half the money so you won't have a complaint on your record."

Can I ask for money back if I feel my attorney purposely sabotoges my case?     Can I get money back for what they think was a mistake?    For example, my ex was going to our former marriage counselor for advice.   I asked my lawyer if I should go to that counselor to counter her vitriol, and the Lawyer said not to.  That counselor testified against me to the CE and I could have circumvented that if I did not listen to the lawyer.     The lawyer would also refuse to settle when I could have gotten a better settlement(i saw the case going downhill).    I feel my lawyer with a great reputation considered my case a throw-away, and wanted to lose it.    The opposing lawyer was a former protege' of my lawyer, and perhaps he wanted to do his former protege' a favor.   I can't really prove that but their advice killed me so I'd love money back from them.

[trappeddad]

You need to fire him, and demand part of the money back. 

My lawyers comments to that would be:    what lawyer would hire you knowing you have a propensity/history to file a complaint?     How do you respond to that?

[Matt]

That's a corrupt thing for him to say.  It shows he is dishonest and not interested in helping you.

When you talk with other lawyers, don't mentioned it til you decide you have the right person.  Then be open about it - "I hired a lawyer but he didn't do the job he was hired to do so I had to get the money back.  I talked with the bar association and followed their advice."

[livednlearned]

Your lawyer is bullying you.

Check to see how firing your lawyer works where you live. When my lawyer withdrew from N/BPDx's case, the L had to go before the judge to officially withdraw. I'm not sure if that's how it works in most places -- my state seems to run everything through judges.

I can't remember which book about NPD that I read, but the author claims that many people who divorce BPD/NPD types tend to end up with BPD/NPD lawyers. We don't see the red flags. And there are a lot of narcissistic lawyers out there -- maybe not full-blown NPD, but certainly in the ballpark.

It's a pain to have this happening, but it's worse to have a bad lawyer in charge of your case.

Also, not sure if this is common, but I found that fighting for myself and advocating what I wanted helped me shake the victim feeling I had after leaving the marriage. Realizing that you are in charge is a good feeling after being in an abusive relationship.

[Matt]

Yeah, many of us have been bullied for years by our spouses, and then find ourselves bullied by the attorney we went to for help.  It's incredibly unethical for him to deal with you this way, and if you let him he'll just amp it up and bully you more.

As LnL suggests, there probably is a way to get help with this, from the court, the state bar association, etc.

And another attorney who would hold this against must be another one who would treat you badly too.  You need a lawyer who will advocate for you, not treat you like dirt.

[trappeddad]

Your lawyer is bullying you.

I really appreciate all of the empowering advice.   My lawyer has been protecting the CE and Child psychologist and am wanting everyone gone.    I believe I am the victim of reverse discrimination against my mildly physically disabled histrionic ex.   Everyone is scared of saying something to badmouth her parenting, in fear of her ethics complaints about a disabled mom.     

The CE also is trying to protect the extremely biased custody evaluation, so I can only read it at the lawyers office during my worktime.     If I represented myself, perhaps I can then get a copy of the report.     I want to highlight the biases in the report.    For example, my ex had 7 highly biased collateral references the CE called on.    I had 9 collateral references, and 7 were neutral.    The CE called on ZERO of my references.     I think I have a great case to remove the CE from the case (just based on this 1 example out of many biases).