Small victory with child

[OutOfEgypt]

Today was something of a small victory with my eldest daughter.  I try to thank God for those teachable opportunities so that she can does not imbibe her mother's distorted points of view.

Today was one such occasion.  For a bit of context, my uBPD/NPDexw lives with her sister after I had her leave me house after our last recycle.  So, when my children aren't with me they are with their mother over at their aunt's house.  The problem is, their BPD/NPD mother is constantly complaining about her sister... . what a slob she is, namely, and in particular how it is because of how her sister's now-ex-husband "trained" her to be like that.  So, ultimately, its *his* fault, right?  Follow me?

So, today while making breakfast, my daughter was talking about what a slob her aunt is and how "ghetto" she is.  It is somewhat true, but I knew where those words were coming from.  She was parroting her mother.  I just said, "Well, sometimes I do things like that, too."  My daughter back-pedaled a little bit, "Yeah, but not like that."  I was trying to encourage her to have a little grace.  And then it came out, "Well, mom says that [fill in the blank with more criticism about their aunt] and that she is like that because of [the ex husband]." 

I looked at her and then looked down and said, "Yeah, but... . how do I say this... . have you ever notice how your mom is constantly having something bad to say about someone?  I don't know whe does it, but that's how she is."  My daughter's brows lifted and she nodded.  "And plus... . you know she hates [the ex husband], so not surprising that she would want to blame it on him.  But the truth is that your aunt is a grown adult who can live however she wants.  If she wanted to do things differently, maybe she would.  Anyway... . its kinda true that she is like that, but so what?  Ya know?"

Normally, I wait until my daughter complains to me about her mother.  I do my best to never say anything that would alienate her from her mom, or try to make her feel like I'm pressuring her to not like her mom.  But as soon as she mentioned, "Well mom says... . " I jumped on the opportunity to shed some truth on the situation, without disparaging her mom or dwelling on what a terrible person she is.  I think I did right.  I hope I did.  I am thankful that I was there to challenge that kind of constantly-critical thinking and shed a spotlight on her mother's behavior without going overboard.

[livednlearned]

 

I'm coming around more and more to a similar conclusion -- that if we do it carefully, telling the truth is critical. Otherwise we end up walking on eggshells with our kids. I went back to see my T for this reason, to figure out how to work with S12. She said that the important thing is to be focused on S12's reality. Not mine, not his dad's, just S12's. Which is hard! I've interpreted that to mean that when something happens, my job is to look at the dynamic and help S12 see it. Let him see an alternate perspective (emotionally healthy behavior) and come to his own conclusions. Otherwise he might feel put in the middle "Mom says I'm supposed to think this, dad says I'm supposed to think that."