Stuck in a circular discussion like Dorothy's house in the wizard of oz

[Soccerchic]

Help. I think I relapsed into old behavior by attempting to get empathy.  Here is the sich. I come home after a long day and need to unload or just share something funny that happened. I begin to talk and he interrupts to finish my sentences incorrectly guessing what I was going to say.  I correct his incorrect assumption and restart. He stares at me blankly and offers no feedback and begins to yell random things to the kids. He then again asks me what did you say again?  At this point I give up. It's to much work.  I originally thought he had some sort of focus issue besides his uBPD.  However, in contrast, if he has an issue his attention is focused and his questions are on point.  Suddenly he develops conversation skills.  I then enter into a hour and a half communications skills training explaining what I need from any conversation.  Next hour he is right back to his nonresponsive and unempathetic communication. He actually finished my sentence incorrectly and started arguing with my unfinished sentence actually fighting with himself.  I keep trying to teach him communication skills and empathy.  He is a black vortex of need.  I am the one explaining how I am not getting enough out of our interactions and he turns it around like he is the victim making huge non helpful statements it's all my fault.  This is not about fault. I just want him to be different.  I can't leave him due to hope from recent self improvements efforts on his part. I CANT accept him this way though.  Aaarrggghhh.  Advice?

[Aussie JJ]

Post on the loving someone or being with someone with BPD board. 

Having a time out and using SET to disengage will not reward the behaviour and will stop it with time.  BE aware he will escalate when you first start doing this.  It will hey worse before it gets better. 

Sympathy,

I can see that you are frustrated

Empathy,

And that I am not understanding you correctly at the moment.

Truth,

I need to have 5 minutes to process what your saying. 

Throw in some validation. 

I will always love you and can see your raising an important point, I am just struggling to understand at the moment and don't want to see you hurting like this. 

Change the situation then to get away from the argument mode.  Instead of the front couch where you are at the moment talk in the kitchen and make a cup of tea for him.  Before starting again give him a big hug and say I am not going anywhere or something like that to reassure him.  If he says BUT you always run away!

Reply with validation and or SET

I can understand you feel that way and it must be horrible however I will always be here as I love you. 

Lastly, don't take it personally. 

[Soccerchic]

Would someone clarify please?  At these moments we aren't really arguing.  I'm just not getting anything out if speaking with him. I'm not sure how much of this I can handle if I can not engage conversationally.  I was wondering if anyone had that experience?  I can't reassure him I will always be there if there is nothing for me but his insatiable need.

[OutOfEgypt]

I keep trying to teach him communication skills and empathy.  He is a black vortex of need.

I'm sorry for your situation, but this cracked me up.  It is true.  They are like black holes.  They are cool so long as they have control and all attention fixed on them.  When you ask for some mutual respect and attention, they couldn't care less.

In my humble opinion, however, I think where you go wrong is in trying to teach him anything.  He's a grown man.  You can communicate how you feel about his behavior, but only he can do something about his communication skills and empathy.  He is responsible for that -it isn't your job to try to teach him anything.  Besides, the bigger issue is that he's completely wrapped up into him self, much like my ex.  You can't teach that away.  Nor can you really explain that to them.

If you want to expose him to a situation where he has a real opportunity to learn, then stop explaining things to him, stop trying to change/teach him, and be open about your feelings and act for yourself when he disrespects you or whatever the issue may be.  For example, if you feel like you need to "pull" a conversation out of him when it's something you are trying to share, then just walk away.  :)on't justify it.  Then go in your room and call a friend.

[Soccerchic]

Yes. Walking away was way more effective.  I did seem confused.  I then had to look at the fact that I really didn't get any support.  The kids are the ones that are the most effected  by his poor communication.  His daughter hates him saying she has given up.  Nothing changes and she won't try any more.  I know it breaks his heart. His son simply pretends to be okay with him but says he doesn't like him.  I feel like our parenting has been split permanently. I'm not sure how to handle this whether or not we are together. There are things we need to come together on now that the kids are close to teen years but he is so weird and I official and always always misses the point.  Dang this is frustrating.