Staying gone

[3 children]

On many occasions I have stayed in a hotel, or with family and friends.   She says leave or I leave.   I've never really wanted to stay gone until the last big one.

   Last night (I guess the last month) things have been really bad.   Worse than normal.   It seems the last 6 months or so the behaviors have gotten a lot worse.   I left last night after a horrible barrage of put downs.   Painful to the core.  For a while (months back) I would drink a lot to self medicate to cover up the pain.   I haven't had a drink for eight weeks now and the clarity is starting to almost consume me.  The dance between a Bpd and partner definitely has two sides.  I recognize and have identified my part.  I would consider my self co dependent to a degree.   Sometimes worse than others.  So getting sucked back in after leaving has always been easy. 

My wife won't apologize for any wrong doing or even really acknowledge the pain caused.  It is typically me who just comes back after the repeated texts of "I will move on."  "I shouldn't have been faithful to you".   "I will close this door forever".   "I will find someone else quickly who respects me".  Lol.  ("Quickly". Another symptom.).  We also have three kids that I'm really having a hard time leaving.  Even though deep down I know I can be better for them if shes not around.  (2 of the 3 would probably choose to live with me anyway... .Num 3 is still to young to understand).   

I do love my wife and always have.  Have been a good husband, do more than my share of housework and (until recently) have been the sole financial support.  I keep praying for that miracle from god.  But I know it's not coming. 

Last night when I left there was for a moment a calmness I have not had in the last.   It only lasted for a few hours.  But nonetheless it was there.  Then I gave in and picked up my phone that had been lighting up with texts.   That coupled with being the 4th of July today and thinking how horrible for the kids to wake up wondering where dad was.   

I have established a support network that grows regularly. I look forward to the day when I can keep the calmness and refrain from looking back.