Need support today, please. Help me hold strong.

[wishfulthinking]

Today I'm fighting the "apology for no reason".  Well, maybe I should, but I'm so confused, I don't know.  Either way, even if I was wrong, the events that followed are a huge issue and that's where I need to be firm.  Events:

Called in sick yesterday because... .I'm sick(I rarely call in).  9:00 I get up, don't feel like lying in bed anymore.  Would rather sit on couch and needed to take care of my daughter.  BPD/NPD called in sick AGAIN, too.  He hasn't been to work in a week.  Lied to me about it on Monday, thinks he's fooled me.  I had wanted a peaceful day without him because it's never peaceful with him.  Even when I'm sick, it's a constant ordeal. ANYWAY, I get up.  He asks what I'm doing, because he can lay in bed for a week and it never bothers him, I get sore and feel lazy. I tell him I'm getting up.  He snaps at me... .It's 8:55, why can't you just lay here with me?... .I got bristled up at the tone and his demand and said, I don't want to lay in bed all day.  He said it's not all day, why can't you just lay here with your husband?  I said I get sore if I lay all day, I need to get up and moving, don't you have to go to work?  He starts in on why couldn't I have just said that because he was just concerned about how I felt and thought I'd probably be up doing something instead of resting. Never answers about work, but starts on me because he was so concerned and I took it wrong and I snapped at him and he didn't deserve it.  I am thinking... .yeah, good spin.  You wanted me to lie there with you for your own desires, not because you care.  Whatever.  I just said... .I'm going to go to work.  I don't feel good and don't want this.  He gets up and stars to manhandle me because I am getting dressed.  I tell him to het his hands off of me and he holds tighter.  Puts his hand over my mouth and holds me down when I try to get out of the room.  I'm tired of this.  This is the part I'm not letting slide.  I told him I no longer want him touching me in any way and and in any form.  Ever again.  He gets mad and he doesn't deserve any of this, of course.  I quit talking.  I leave with my daughter finally.  He got mad because I came home later and made something to eat for her and I and I didn't offer him any.  I told him to have mine, I'm not hungry anyway.  I stayed in my room with my daughter the rest of the day until she went with her dad and I went to the basement to work on something.  He texted me that when I'm ready to be a wife and hold up to the duties of the promises I made to God on what a wife is and how they treat and talk to their husbands, I'll see a side of him I've never seen.  He said he'll be COLD, not mean or violent, just COLD.  I'm thanking God for this change.  It'll be nice for a change if I don't have mean and violent.  Should be more peaceful.  I just want him to leave at this point, I think.

Thoughts?  I am NOT going to text or call, and even though that part of me is trained to apologize for his spin on things, I know the truth, but the apology habit is hard to break.  What would you do?

[momtara]

Having a busy day at work so no time for a long reply but I just wanted to offer you a hug.  My xHusband used to say I was a terrible mother and all sorts of things, no matter what I did.  I did everything for him, our kids, etc.  I'd apologize and do what I could to get him into a good mood.  I held on to the bitter end, and then I decided to stand up to him and subtly correct him on his lies, instead of tiptoeing.  He ended up having a weekend where he raged and blocked me from coming into rooms where our kids were, and all kinds of things.  It is still hard to know every step of the way what to do - it's not fair how often we question ourselves!  We should be able to breathe.  So ((hug)) to you.  Deep down, he knows he is wrong, bcause when I finally left my husband, he went to therapy and eventually admitted that I did everything for him and he messed it up.  They don't always admit it, but just know that on some level he knows.

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you, momtara.  You are always a willing ear and we seem to have similar thoughts and lives.  (nice to have someone understand, but sucks to have to be this! LOL!)

[Forestaken]

He gets up and stars to manhandle me because I am getting dressed.  I tell him to het his hands off of me and he holds tighter.  Puts his hand over my mouth and holds me down when I try to get out of the room.  I'm tired of this.  This is the part I'm not letting slide.  I told him I no longer want him touching me in any way and and in any form.  Ever again.  He gets mad and he doesn't deserve any of this, of course. 

This is physical abuse, Do you want him out of the house? Call 911!  I finally got the courage to call the police on my Xw after years of physical abuse.

He texted me that when I'm ready to be a wife and hold up to the duties of the promises I made to God on what a wife is and how they treat and talk to their husbands.

Thoughts? 

I told my Xw that no where in my mariage vows did I promise to be her punching bag.  And I bet that you didn't promise to be "his sex toy / loyal slave" (I'm assuming alot here).

[wishfulthinking]

No, I promised my life to him AS HE WAS BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.  That man never yelled at me or touched me in anger or criticized or belittled or threatened me.  He is not the same man I married.  Or should I say... .he is the same man, just he wasn't honest about the kind of man he was.  I have called the police and had him arrested twice.  He has yet to go to court over it, it keeps getting rescheduled.  I don't want him to end up with a felony on a third time, so I keep cutting him slack, which I shouldn't do, but have.  Funnily enough, the sex toy thing is the only thing that works in our relationship.  Not once have I ever denied him or even desired to.  Most men would be happy enough with that!  LOL!  Loyal slave, that I was, not anymore.  I quit cleaning his messes and covering his mistakes.  He is on his own now in many ways.  Another reason for me to go NC as much as one can when living together.

[Forestaken]

I don't want him to end up with a felony on a third time, so I keep cutting him slack, which I shouldn't do, but have. 

Something to think about: Friend of mine, H went to jail, she went to see a L about divorce.  The L told him that since she was working and he wasn't.  She would have to pay for his divorce L

Funnily enough, the sex toy thing is the only thing that works in our relationship.  Not once have I ever denied him or even desired to.  Most men would be happy enough with that!  LOL! 

Glad I could give you a smile - Chris Rock joked "Most men have 3 things they want from their woman: Respect, sex and a sandwich"

BTW: Until I decided to divorce my abusive Xw, I lived on these boards for 8 long and painful years - despite the courts, lawyers, and BS that goes along with it - never once regretted kicking her out.

[wishfulthinking]

Thanks Forestaken,  you are very helpful in your support... .and yes, thanks for the smile.  Bad thing is, I started by Chris Rock's mantra... .the respect part now, not so much, but I do cook most meals.

To answer your question on the other post about his name being on the house.  No, it isn't.  I won't put it on there,  it may sound selfish (I get accused of it enough, why not?) but I refuse.  I've paid that house payment for 12 years now.  He didn't help one penny in the last year and few months he has lived there.  Why should I?  Just to make it harder in the upcoming divorce I go back and forth on?  Nope.  This is the one thing I know I'm doing right. His credit is shot and since now I can't pay my bills because I'm supporting more people, mine is becoming shot, too. 

Anyway, I digress.  I can't get him out without divorce papers and a "kick-out" order.  Basically, a restraining order.  I've asked my lawyer and the police department about this.  It's considered domestic and that's his legal place of residence for over 6 months, so I have to do things legally.  I begged him to leave last night while he was screaming at me.  He refuses.

Yes, I would be stuck paying for the divorce.

[Forestaken]

Anyway, I digress.  I can't get him out without divorce papers and a "kick-out" order.  Basically, a restraining order.  I've asked my lawyer and the police department about this.  It's considered domestic and that's his legal place of residence for over 6 months, so I have to do things legally.  I begged him to leave last night while he was screaming at me.  He refuses.

Yes, I would be stuck paying for the divorce.

When my Xw showed up after being away for 10 months, I called the police.  Lucky for me she called her brother-in-law (her sister's husband).  Police decided that if we were going to be in the house that night, wthey would have to return.  Ordered one of us out.  Since her B-i-L was there, she went with him.

So, does he have a place to go?  a friend that could take him in?

Post your question on the law board.  They're better than me at this.

[wishfulthinking]

He has family in town and friends. I have no family left except a cousin in another state.  He just flat refuses to leave.  Thanks for your advice on the legal board.  I'll get my thoughts together and post there.  Yes, they have made him leave after the neighbors called the police one night and he went to his friend's house, but he is allowed to come back because it's his legal residence according to police.

[Forestaken]

he is allowed to come back because it's his legal residence according to police.

Depends on the police:

• As soon as I got her out, I ran and got a RO.



• If there is a threat/evidence on violence.  It could be granted.



• How could it be his "legal residence" if he is not on the deed? 

[wishfulthinking]

I'd have to have a judge approve a restraining order, I can't prove the last incident, I have no marks.  If he denies it, it's his word against mine as there were no witnesses.  The police here are helpful, but they have regulations to follow.  I wouldn't put it past him to say I assaulted him because he will mark himself up to "prove" it.  The first night the police were called, he purposefully hit himself in the face and scratched his face to put marks on himself.  I swear I never did anything to mark him, I pushed him off of me and I tried to get away from him, but I never assaulted him.  I had marks to prove that incident, too.  It is considered his legal residence because he has lived there and called it home for more than 6 months.  Like squatters in a home, some states have a 30 day rule, you have to get them legally evicted even though they have no legal "ownership" of the property.  It's much like that. That comes from the police and my lawyer.  (I have a lawyer for previous legal stuff like my divorce years ago, and an inheritance issue a few years ago, and my old dog bit a tresspasser who was in the back of my house for no reason - he growled, they reached out to pet him, he snapped at them and nipped them.  I had to pay the medical bills.  I just go see him when I need any advice.)  Laws are not to the advantage of the homeowner.  My daughter fell at my friend's house (goofing off and doing what she shouldn't have been doing) and broke her arm.  My medical insurance wanted me to sue my friend because it was on her property.  I refused.  Things are ridiculous.