At My wit's end

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Sorry this is so long, but we have a loong history!

I have been together with my wife for almost 20 years and married for almost 10.  It took me awhile to marry her because I was waiting for her temporary anger issues to go away.  Soon after we started dating, the only family member she was still close to had been killed.  She had told me horrible stories about the rest of her family and while it seemed too much to be completely true, I believed her.

I wanted to be there for her, and she told me that all of the outbursts, insults, hitting and switching between hot and cold were a result of this tragedy. I thought that with time and unconditional love, she would heal.  But I was wrong.

There was a time, right before we got married, that I decided I would try to be the best fiancee I could be.  I was careful with everything I said and took great pains not to upset her or make her aware of any bad news.  I went on antidepressants to curb my emotions so that I could remain calm during her outbursts.  I basically became a doormat and things improved.  After we got married, things were good for about six months.  But then the cycle started again.  It no longer mattered how much I bent to her will and apologized for things I was didn't do.  Any problem she had was somehow my fault.

It wasn't until about 5 years ago, when the cycle never stopped, that I realized that there was something permanently wrong with her and not a result of her relative being killed.  I searched for answers and found "Walking on Eggshells".  Lightbulbs started going off in my head!  I finally had an explanation for what was wrong in our marriage.

I was afraid of bringing it up to her, but I was determined to either leave her or force her to get therapy.  She read the book and picked apart any symptoms that didn't apply to her.  She then told me that it was a "fake" and "made up" psychological condition.  Even when I tried to prove to her through official sources that it was real, she said she doubted it really was and even so, she said she didn't fit.  I finally convinced her to go to couples counseling with a therapists that we had seen on and off throughout the years.  I brought up the book and the therapist said, "Oh yeah, I had previously diagnosed her as BPD".  It would have helped if I had been told that before.  Afterward, my wife denied that the therapist said that, even though we were both there and it was clearly stated.

My wife still agreed to go to individual therapy but quit soon after because the therapist was "no good".  I got fed up and moved away.  I had to wait until she was at work because whenever she got mad at me, I was held hostage.  She would grab me, drag me, throw herself on top of the car, anything to prevent me from getting out of the house.  If I wanted to leave, I would have to seriously injure her or wait until she wasn't home.

After I left, she called everyday.  She cried, she promised me everything I wanted and then some.  I was stupid and I came back.  While there was a voice in the back of head telling me that the promises were empty, I thought that if she at least got the right kind of counseling things would eventually work out.  I was still in love and I didn't want to waste all the years we had been together if it was fixable.  I didn't want to "give up" on her.

To know my wife, you would never know she would be capable of being so cruel to someone she loved.  Around others she is quiet, respectful and even overly nice.  She is also extremely good at her job.  She worked her way up to a great high-paying position and she is very respected in her industry.  To me, however, she tells me how she hates a lot of the people she works with and how everyone treats her unfairly.  I don't doubt that other people can have their issues, but it seems that she fixates on it way more than someone should.

She also says that I need to make enough money to let her quit, which is completely unrealistic unless we down-size everything and cut spending.  Although we are make a lot of money, we were in extreme debt.  Some of it has to do with a bad business investment I made, but a lot has to do with her spending addiction.  She spends over $2000 on clothes and makeup every month.  Most of it she never wears or wears only once.

I had started my own business and I was very successful the first few years.  She insisted we move into a more expensive house.  Then the business started having trouble at the same time that she decided she didn't want to work anymore.  She told me that she let me live my dream by having my own business and since I "failed" it was her turn to quit (it didn't fail, you can't expect to make a consistent amount year after year).  Also, she didn't want to start her own business, she just wanted to quit.  She said that since I was "the man" I need to "support my wife".  "Step up and be a man", she said.  I searched for jobs, but the economy in our area was troubled.  The only jobs that I could get would pay less than what I was still making at my own business.  The ones that paid more were few and far between and I wasn't able to land any.

Desperate, I applied out of state.  I got a job that paid very well and I told her that I will temporarily move there and pay off the debt and then she wouldn't have to work anymore.  She was mad that I was "abandoning" her and that I need to get a job in the same state and that she wouldn't move.  So she stayed in her job and was "miserable" and it was "all my fault". I moved out of state for the job but we made no progress on the debt.  She called and texted constantly telling me that I was having an affair and that if I didn't fix everything, she would kill herself.

To try to rescue our situation, I cashed out my 401K, so now I have no retirement (while she still has hers).  Meanwhile, she kept a bank account and credit card hidden from me and was spending like crazy on clothes, makeup and going to "pub crawls".  She started doing things that were out of character for her.  She started getting her nails done and getting massages when she never had before.  I found "sexy underwear" from Victoria's Secret in her drawer that she had never worn in front of me.  She insisted that she only bought bras at VS and that she didn't want the underwear and that they just put it in her bag because it was a free giveaway.  I found an email that her friend mistakenly sent to our joint account that gave the impression that she had an affair on a business trip.  Her explanation for the email made some sense but it would be a stretch to believe.

A few years earlier, I had caught her making long phone calls at 2 and 3 in the morning to a guy who lived out of state that she had known several years before.  When I found the evidence, I confronted her and she denied everything.  I knew she was lying because I had the evidence.  She finally admitted to making the phone calls.  What bothered me was that she had gone on trip a month prior to that same state to visit her girlfriend who had just gone through a bad divorce.  When she came back, the last website visited on her phone was advice about dealing with a boyfriend who ignores you after you finally sleep with him.  She told me that she was looking it up for her friend, because she was having difficulty with the new guy she was dating after her divorce.  I believed her at the time, but after I saw her cell phone bill I became suspicious that she slept with that guy on her trip.  I ended up calling the number and confronting the guy.  He claimed that nothing ever happened and that he has a live in friend and a child with her.

Because I had called and "harassed" him, my wife said I was "crazy" and "dangerous" and started keeping all her phone, bill, and email passwords from me.  She still does to this day.  Even though when I fly back, she threatens me and screams until I let her go through my phone and she questions and accuses me on every call text and email (I don't have the stamina to hold out and it's the only way to get he4r to be quiet).

The last time I was back, about a week ago,  she had  locked away all the computers and iPads except one, but she erased everything on it.  Unfortunately, when I called up Amazon to watch a movie for us, her account was still logged in and I saw through the "recommendations" that she had purchased several ebooks on dating and "attracting the right guy" and "how to be noticed by men".  I also found that she had some new VS sexy underwear in the dryer when I went to dry the load she had started.  She had explanations for everything, but the evidence seems too much to be a coincidence.  Also, every time I question her about these types of things, she gets violent.  She hits, kicks, throws things and threatens to kill me.  The rage in her eyes is truly scary.

When we fight on the phone or through texting when am back at the out-of-town job, it will usually escalate to her telling me she's going to take a bunch of sleeping pills and muscle relaxers.  I threaten to call the police and she gets in the car and tells me they will never find her.  Even without the suicide threats, she takes a dangerous level of sleeping pills every night and tells me it's the only way she can sleep.  She has also started drinking a lot at home and it's always "my fault" because I "ruined her life".

My problem is that I can't stop loving her and believing she is skilled and smart enough to get better if she'll only follow through with DBT.  The only way I can let the suicide threats not get to me is if I had more concrete proof that she is/was cheating.  I know it's crazy on my part, but no matter how difficult she's been, an affair is the only thing that will motivate me enough to finally give up and not care anymore.  I've always had very low self esteem and I think that might explain why I've let her treat me this way and how an affair would be the only thing that's unforgivable.

[tbddbt]

Sorry this is so long, but we have a loong history!

I have been together with my wife for almost 20 years and married for almost 10.  It took me awhile to marry her because I was waiting for her temporary anger issues to go away.  Soon after we started dating, the only family member she was still close to had been killed.  She had told me horrible stories about the rest of her family and while it seemed too much to be completely true, I believed her.

I wanted to be there for her, and she told me that all of the outbursts, insults, hitting and switching between hot and cold were a result of this tragedy. I thought that with time and unconditional love, she would heal.  But I was wrong.

There was a time, right before we got married, that I decided I would try to be the best fiancee I could be.  I was careful with everything I said and took great pains not to upset her or make her aware of any bad news.  I went on antidepressants to curb my emotions so that I could remain calm during her outbursts.  I basically became a doormat and things improved.  After we got married, things were good for about six months.  But then the cycle started again.  It no longer mattered how much I bent to her will and apologized for things I was didn't do.  Any problem she had was somehow my fault.

It wasn't until about 5 years ago, when the cycle never stopped, that I realized that there was something permanently wrong with her and not a result of her relative being killed.  I searched for answers and found "Walking on Eggshells".  Lightbulbs started going off in my head!  I finally had an explanation for what was wrong in our marriage.

I was afraid of bringing it up to her, but I was determined to either leave her or force her to get therapy.  She read the book and picked apart any symptoms that didn't apply to her.  She then told me that it was a "fake" and "made up" psychological condition.  Even when I tried to prove to her through official sources that it was real, she said she doubted it really was and even so, she said she didn't fit.  I finally convinced her to go to couples counseling with a therapists that we had seen on and off throughout the years.  I brought up the book and the therapist said, "Oh yeah, I had previously diagnosed her as BPD".  It would have helped if I had been told that before.  Afterward, my wife denied that the therapist said that, even though we were both there and it was clearly stated.

My wife still agreed to go to individual therapy but quit soon after because the therapist was "no good".  I got fed up and moved away.  I had to wait until she was at work because whenever she got mad at me, I was held hostage.  She would grab me, drag me, throw herself on top of the car, anything to prevent me from getting out of the house.  If I wanted to leave, I would have to seriously injure her or wait until she wasn't home.

After I left, she called everyday.  She cried, she promised me everything I wanted and then some.  I was stupid and I came back.  While there was a voice in the back of head telling me that the promises were empty, I thought that if she at least got the right kind of counseling things would eventually work out.  I was still in love and I didn't want to waste all the years we had been together if it was fixable.  I didn't want to "give up" on her.

To know my wife, you would never know she would be capable of being so cruel to someone she loved.  Around others she is quiet, respectful and even overly nice.  She is also extremely good at her job.  She worked her way up to a great high-paying position and she is very respected in her industry.  To me, however, she tells me how she hates a lot of the people she works with and how everyone treats her unfairly.  I don't doubt that other people can have their issues, but it seems that she fixates on it way more than someone should.

She also says that I need to make enough money to let her quit, which is completely unrealistic unless we down-size everything and cut spending.  Although we are make a lot of money, we were in extreme debt.  Some of it has to do with a bad business investment I made, but a lot has to do with her spending addiction.  She spends over $2000 on clothes and makeup every month.  Most of it she never wears or wears only once.

I had started my own business and I was very successful the first few years.  She insisted we move into a more expensive house.  Then the business started having trouble at the same time that she decided she didn't want to work anymore.  She told me that she let me live my dream by having my own business and since I "failed" it was her turn to quit (it didn't fail, you can't expect to make a consistent amount year after year).  Also, she didn't want to start her own business, she just wanted to quit.  She said that since I was "the man" I need to "support my wife".  "Step up and be a man", she said.  I searched for jobs, but the economy in our area was troubled.  The only jobs that I could get would pay less than what I was still making at my own business.  The ones that paid more were few and far between and I wasn't able to land any.

Desperate, I applied out of state.  I got a job that paid very well and I told her that I will temporarily move there and pay off the debt and then she wouldn't have to work anymore.  She was mad that I was "abandoning" her and that I need to get a job in the same state and that she wouldn't move.  So she stayed in her job and was "miserable" and it was "all my fault". I moved out of state for the job but we made no progress on the debt.  She called and texted constantly telling me that I was having an affair and that if I didn't fix everything, she would kill herself.

To try to rescue our situation, I cashed out my 401K, so now I have no retirement (while she still has hers).  Meanwhile, she kept a bank account and credit card hidden from me and was spending like crazy on clothes, makeup and going to "pub crawls".  She started doing things that were out of character for her.  She started getting her nails done and getting massages when she never had before.  I found "sexy underwear" from Victoria's Secret in her drawer that she had never worn in front of me.  She insisted that she only bought bras at VS and that she didn't want the underwear and that they just put it in her bag because it was a free giveaway.  I found an email that her friend mistakenly sent to our joint account that gave the impression that she had an affair on a business trip.  Her explanation for the email made some sense but it would be a stretch to believe.

A few years earlier, I had caught her making long phone calls at 2 and 3 in the morning to a guy who lived out of state that she had known several years before.  When I found the evidence, I confronted her and she denied everything.  I knew she was lying because I had the evidence.  She finally admitted to making the phone calls.  What bothered me was that she had gone on trip a month prior to that same state to visit her girlfriend who had just gone through a bad divorce.  When she came back, the last website visited on her phone was advice about dealing with a boyfriend who ignores you after you finally sleep with him.  She told me that she was looking it up for her friend, because she was having difficulty with the new guy she was dating after her divorce.  I believed her at the time, but after I saw her cell phone bill I became suspicious that she slept with that guy on her trip.  I ended up calling the number and confronting the guy.  He claimed that nothing ever happened and that he has a live in friend and a child with her.

Because I had called and "harassed" him, my wife said I was "crazy" and "dangerous" and started keeping all her phone, bill, and email passwords from me.  She still does to this day.  Even though when I fly back, she threatens me and screams until I let her go through my phone and she questions and accuses me on every call text and email (I don't have the stamina to hold out and it's the only way to get he4r to be quiet).

The last time I was back, about a week ago,  she had  locked away all the computers and iPads except one, but she erased everything on it.  Unfortunately, when I called up Amazon to watch a movie for us, her account was still logged in and I saw through the "recommendations" that she had purchased several ebooks on dating and "attracting the right guy" and "how to be noticed by men".  I also found that she had some new VS sexy underwear in the dryer when I went to dry the load she had started.  She had explanations for everything, but the evidence seems too much to be a coincidence.  Also, every time I question her about these types of things, she gets violent.  She hits, kicks, throws things and threatens to kill me.  The rage in her eyes is truly scary.

When we fight on the phone or through texting when am back at the out-of-town job, it will usually escalate to her telling me she's going to take a bunch of sleeping pills and muscle relaxers.  I threaten to call the police and she gets in the car and tells me they will never find her.  Even without the suicide threats, she takes a dangerous level of sleeping pills every night and tells me it's the only way she can sleep.  She has also started drinking a lot at home and it's always "my fault" because I "ruined her life".

My problem is that I can't stop loving her and believing she is skilled and smart enough to get better if she'll only follow through with DBT.  The only way I can let the suicide threats not get to me is if I had more concrete proof that she is/was cheating.  I know it's crazy on my part, but no matter how difficult she's been, an affair is the only thing that will motivate me enough to finally give up and not care anymore.  I've always had very low self esteem and I think that might explain why I've let her treat me this way and how an affair would be the only thing that's unforgivable.

[3 children]

I truly feel for your.   My situation has a lot of similarities.

We have been married 15 years and at times the cycle has been better than others.  The last year has been horrible.  I also have questioned my wife's fidelity.  No proof and maybe I'm being paranoid.  There have been a few things here and thee that make me wonder.   I think most of it stems from the constant insults.  My wife has told me a lot if the same things.  Threatened suicide.  Told me I "ruined her life". Tells me she "hates me"  regularly.  The list is to long to put here.   I have confronted her about being faithful only to hear that she has "always been loyal but that she shouldn't have been".  The things she says hurts to the core. 

I am on the fence about leaving and sometimes wish she would cheat,  because I feel the same way you do.   I didn't have a big self esteem to begin with and she has taken the rest.  I love my wife dearly and she is beautiful.   But when she is mad she says some of the most hurtful things you can imagine (I'm sure you can relate from experience).

Now it's to the point that even when we are not fighting she will rarely speak to me other than kids logistics.  She won't touch me. Hold my hand give me a hug.  Nothing.  It literally feels like torture.   I am a very affectionate man and want the same.  Living in this home is painful daily.  It is truly like they say we wait around for that bread crumb that we are thrown once in a while. 

I also struggle with my self image and have tried to work on that with a counselor who thought that was the best thing for me.  My wife hasn't been diagnosed but it is painfully obvious that it's Bpd.  My oldest daughter is starting to recognize it now as well. 

We were very religious for the majority of our marriage.  And about a year ago my wife pulled away.  That is when things really went down hill.   It was almost as if her faith was literally the glue that kept her in a better place.  Not that it was great before just better.  It almost like she is going through a midlife crisis and then throw in a little Bpd and it's a recipe for disaster.  It seems she doesn't even realize that her behavior is tearing our family apart.   

I wish I had the answer for both of us.  I'm truly sorry for your pain.  And know that your not the only one who is going through this.

[tbddbt]

I'm so sorry.  It's worse that you have children involved.  We don't have kids, but only because my wife says she "refuses to bring innocent children into this evil world."  The worries of infidelity are difficult to deal with but may ultimately be my saving grace to get me out of this abusive marriage without guilt.

My wife does the same things with me as far as being cold.  She detests any display of affection out in public.  The first night I met her, we ended up connecting right away and made-out longer and deeper than I ever had before.  Now, she refuses to kiss me at all saying that she has sinus problems and it's uncomfortable for her.  Anytime we have sex, I have to initiate it and sometimes beg.  She used to use sex to "win me back" after she's had a violent outburst and could tell I was thinking of leaving.  Now, she doesn't even do that anymore.  She tells me she couldn't be cheating because she "doesn't even like sex".

When she reached her mid thirties, she suddenly became obsessed with aging.  She constantly watches videos on how to look younger and makeup artist secrets.  She's spent tens of thousands on makeup and anti-aging formulas.  Against my protests, she started regularly getting botox and even had two surgeries around her eyes.  She also tells me that she needs a nose job and breast enlargement.  She tells me that I don't know what it feels like to "lose your looks" because I've "never been extremely attractive like her".

[3 children]

I'm soap sorry.   It so interesting to me the similarities. 

Months after we were married I got my first glimpse of this. Young and uniformed I fought back like hell.  She wanted to have kids and I said not until this is figured out.   Eventually we did. (Looking back I feel very manipulated).

Now she speaks of the same evil world and how people are so naturally bad.  She also is fighting the aging and a year and a half ago decided to go to hair school.  Since then has graduated and found work.  But so much has changed.  She has always put importance on looking nice.  But now it's reached a whole new level.  Clothes, Botox, everyone she works with and went to school with is younger.   And the drama,  I can't stand it.  Almost all her friends are 15ish years younger.   When she talks to me about situations it feels like high school all over again.   She invests more and more time in it.  Meanwhile my kids are being raised by others.   I have always been the main income and she has rarely had to work.  We agreed in the beginning that one of us should always be home with the kids.  My children are changing they need their mother back. 

I'am so lost.  I love her dearly and want nothing more than to be good with her.   The pain is almost unbearable anymore.  I spend most nights crying myself to sleep.  And have sudden breakdowns throughout the day.  I'am in pain constantly.

I am so sorry for you.  I know how you feel.

[tbddbt]

That's horrible.  I have to take antidepressants to deal with her-- which stops the crying.  But once you go on them, you can't get off because withdrawals are the worst emotional hell you'll ever feel.  Sometimes I think I have the strength to leave and stay gone, but it seems impossible because they are geniuses at playing on your empathy and guilt.  If you haven't already, you should seek individual therapy.  Dealing with BPD on a day-to-day basis isn't something people are equipped to handle.