Have you changed your behaviour because you felt in danger?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, I've posted on here a few times and read the topics.  In short, married 19 years, idealised for 9 years, clinger phase lasted 7 years and now we're in the hate phase.  It started with threats one particular day when I would "get what I deserved" and on average, I get the threats once or twice a year when I've said something (however inocculus). 

The latest episode of rage was in response to me saying "a bad mood ... .again" and he charged at me.  I've never felt fear like it, he chased me down the stairs and I fell (I don't think he pushed me) and he was in such a rage that I literally curled up in a ball waiting.  More threats about "one day getting it" and then a while after when I was bailing out for the night, he demanded several thousands of pounds and there was no way I could not tell him how to get the money, the threat was too high.

So, we've not spoken in over two weeks.  I'm pushed into the spare room as he uses everything he can to push my buttons.  I want out but I have to plan it.  Everything I have worked for in 30 years is here, I have no job as I've been trying to build up a business and have very little income (I used to be a high earner, but not now).  The silence, I can cope with.  But he has control, there's no doubt.  If I say something, I risk violence, that's how it feels.  Has anyone else experience this?  It's like living in a pressure cooker, and the only way to make sure it doesn't explode is to keep quiet.  Are there dangers with leaving?  I feel there are, it's like the boundaries are moving for him all the more, and he's got away with it.  If you left, did you do it on the spur of the moment, or plan your escape?  Has anyone experienced this movement from bad temper to threats to action?  Of course, he will see me as the trigger and I'm now of the opinion that when it gets too much here, I should leave and speak to someone outside the home to let off the steam to lessen the risk to myself as I don't feel I can say what I feel anymore. 

[Tyrwhitt]

Hi, I've posted on here a few times and read the topics.  In short, married 19 years, idealised for 9 years, clinger phase lasted 7 years and now we're in the hate phase.  It started with threats one particular day when I would "get what I deserved" and on average, I get the threats once or twice a year when I've said something (however inocculus). 

The latest episode of rage was in response to me saying "a bad mood ... .again" and he charged at me.  I've never felt fear like it, he chased me down the stairs and I fell (I don't think he pushed me) and he was in such a rage that I literally curled up in a ball waiting.  More threats about "one day getting it" and then a while after when I was bailing out for the night, he demanded several thousands of pounds and there was no way I could not tell him how to get the money, the threat was too high.

So, we've not spoken in over two weeks.  I'm pushed into the spare room as he uses everything he can to push my buttons.  I want out but I have to plan it.  Everything I have worked for in 30 years is here, I have no job as I've been trying to build up a business and have very little income (I used to be a high earner, but not now).  The silence, I can cope with.  But he has control, there's no doubt.  If I say something, I risk violence, that's how it feels.  Has anyone else experience this?  It's like living in a pressure cooker, and the only way to make sure it doesn't explode is to keep quiet.  Are there dangers with leaving?  I feel there are, it's like the boundaries are moving for him all the more, and he's got away with it.  If you left, did you do it on the spur of the moment, or plan your escape?  Has anyone experienced this movement from bad temper to threats to action?  Of course, he will see me as the trigger and I'm now of the opinion that when it gets too much here, I should leave and speak to someone outside the home to let off the steam to lessen the risk to myself as I don't feel I can say what I feel anymore. 

[Mutt]

You feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells and you fear a move that you make will trigger rage. I would like to tell you Tyrwhitt I share a similar experience, this is a difficult phase and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. You are probably feeling isolated from the silent treatment over the last couple of weeks as well. He may of blamed you for it.

I want out but I have to plan it.

The goal here is to not trigger their fear of abandonment.

If you left, did you do it on the spur of the moment, or plan your escape?  Has anyone experienced this movement from bad temper to threats to action?

I can't say that I have with my ex. Everyone's experience is different. FOG is major component here, emotional blackmail. You know your ex better than anyone. Does he have a history of taking action? Sometimes you have to look at the actions of the past to anticipate what someone is going to do in the future. There are patterns with pwBPD.

[Elpis]

Hi Tyrwhitt--

Yes I have changed my behaviors both large and small to avoid setting off my uBPDh of 37 years. He was never very physically confrontational in most of the years to me, but he was to our son, but I do know that every behavior I modified gave him the green light to push harder. He would have swings through those stages you mention though, so we've cycled through the times of me being wonderful to me being awful.

He did finally get physically threatening though, and before that I had wondered what it would take for me to leave. Apparently that was it! I've been out of the house for 4 months now, staying with one of our daughters.

Do you have any sort of separate bank account where you could have some money stashed? And do you have friends, family, anyone you know you could go to if you needed to leave suddenly? And the decision to go will vary from person to person whether it's more planned out or spur of the moment.

What sort of response is there to domestic violence by the police in your area?

It would best for you to have a safety plan--have a look at this: Safety First It gives ideas and helps you look at your options.

Also this: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Nobody should have to feel unsafe in their home. I realized that I had felt off balance and unsafe for years, even without the threat of physical abuse. It's bad for our physical and emotional health!

I had my large son-in-law come get me, and the idea of someone physically stronger than my H made him back off, so his physicality with me was clearly with the purpose to scare and intimidate me.

[Turkish]

It would best for you to have a safety plan--have a look at this: Safety First It gives ideas and helps you look at your options.

Also this: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Tyrwhitt, I read the corresponding article for men, and it gave me some outside perspective to realize that I was enduring more abuse than I had thought, even though my situation wasn't as dire as yours.

Nobody should have to feel unsafe in their home. I realized that I had felt off balance and unsafe for years, even without the threat of physical abuse. It's bad for our physical and emotional health!

Indeed. This is like walking on eggshells mixed in with razor blades. The stress must be enormous.

As Mutt said, leaving without a solid plan man trigger extreme action on his part due to his core abandonment fear in combination with unregulated and out of control emotions. A lot of those who flee their homes can be at more risk when they come back. I'm sorry that your financial situation limits you. Please reach out for support to whomever you can, even if it is something like a doctor or clergy. These people can also point you to resources which may be able to help. Do you have anybody you can call?

Keep us updated, please, and we'll support you in any way which we can.

Turkish

[Tyrwhitt]

Thanks for all your replies and links, which I've clicked into and read.  I've spent a couple of days at the bottom of the pit and in a bit of a daze.  Is it me, or do others look back and think "did that really happen", "did I really feel threatened", it feels like a dream that happened to someone else.  But then, I've found that if a friend was listening and offered some support, my mind whizzed back to the fear I felt that day and I dissolve into tears, shock almost. 

I've decided to regain control - employment is hard, but if I can find a part-time job to give me some stability whilst I build my new business, I'll have some money coming in.  I've always been a high earner, full-time, so being so vulnerable financially isn't good. 

I'm going to stash some cash round a friends that's safe and away from what can be accounted for.  And I have some offers of accommodation if I need a place to sort myself out.  In the meantime, the silent treatment continues, and it'll go on until he either spends some money, runs away for a week - these are the common patterns.  Something to say "I'm in control".

[Elpis]

Good to hear back from you Tyrwhitt--

That daze you're feeling is familiar to me, that sort of "temporary amnesia" thing of "was that real?" too. It's a trauma reaction. You experienced a big trauma! We aren't supposed to feel unsafe in our own house, if you think about it, you felt much like you would if some stranger were to mug you out on the street somewhere.

You sound like a smart woman with a plan being formulated--money somewhere, place to go to if needed, getting some of your own power back via earning. This is great!

I'm glad too that you recognize his moves are for control. I know that the silent treatment isn't healthy, but honestly I got to where I was a little thankful for them since they gave me a break. You're wise knowing that his asserting himself is all about him rather than you and it sounds like you know not to take it personally. That really helped me when I caught onto the fact that most things were about him.

Thanks for checking back in, and please continue to keep us updated, okay? And please remain mindful. Think about things like "if I feel things are revving up, how can I be safe?" My therapist had talked to me about being sure I had my phone charged and with me and going to a room where I could lock the door if I needed to call for help. Think of how your house is laid out, practical stuff like that. You may never need it but in case you do you're prepared.

Take care  

Elpis