I'm by no means perfect and am paying for it.

[verytired]

I run a business out of the home and I try to help around the house as much as time and energy allow. Sometimes, being in a rush, I do things less than perfectly. Today I am paying for it. She just launched into me and stormed off and locked herself in the bedroom.

If the slightest mistake is made my BPDw launches into the "you cannot do anything right", "I can't trust you to do things correctly so I have to do EVERYTHING myself" or "your work is more important than our marriage"

I have been trying to validate her whenever possible and have used the SET technique but it seems as though her anger is appearing more frequently over even the slightest "error" on my part. Even though I have perfectly good intentions she tells me I'm sabotaging the marriage on purpose if I do not do things the way she knows is the "right" way to do them. It makes me more and more afraid to do anything which as most of you know is that "Catch 22" or "Between a Rock & a Hard Place" situation.

I keep trying to be mindful of what makes her act this way but also find myself in the FOG even if it is a simple little honest harmless mistake that I have made because she makes me out the be the Devil Incarnate. I feel like crawling into a hole whenever this happens and it happens a lot.

I'm not sure if I still belong here as a new member but thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

[LoveNotWar]

verytired, Welcome to bpdfamily. I am sorry you are hurting right now and am glad you found us.

There are many good resources here, sounds like you are aware of some strategies already, definitely explore further readings here and you will expand your knowledge and skill which will help you understand that this is not your fault or something you are doing wrong.

Living with a pwBPD is hard but knowledge really  is power!

[verytired]

It just went from bad to worse. My BPDw wants me to call a realtor tomorrow to put our house (that we just purchased in Jan. 2014) on the market because I did not know she was finished using a measuring spoon that she left on the kitchen counter and I did not put it away! She actually called me down to the kitchen (I was upstairs) to point at the spoon and say "See, this is what I'm talking about!"

Sorry to say I did not handle this one well. All I could say was "It's just a measuring spoon for Gods sake! How was I supposed to know you were done with it!" I WANTED to ask her why the heck SHE didn't put it away but knew she would reply with "Because I have to do EVERYTHING around here.

It's at times like this that I can't stand myself for getting into such a bizarre and INSANE mess! Can you imagine someone getting raging mad for not putting away a stupid little measuring spoon that THEY left out?   

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

It just went from bad to worse. My BPDw wants me to call a realtor tomorrow to put our house (that we just purchased in Jan. 2014) on the market because I did not know she was finished using a measuring spoon that she left on the kitchen counter and I did not put it away! She actually called me down to the kitchen (I was upstairs) to point at the spoon and say "See, this is what I'm talking about!"

Sometimes I have to pull out the poker skills and call her bluff... .Of course this assumes she doesn't really want to sell the house, but it's a way to validate and put the responsibility on her.

So you can SET, validate she's frustrated and then tell her if she really wants to sell the house have her contact a real estate agent and get an appraisal.

Mine would try and turn my not calling a realtor into invalidation... .Chances are she'll drop it, if not then when she's calmer you can try and explain you'll have measuring spoons in the next house too.

[tbddbt]

Wow, I can totally relate to all of this. My Bpdw acts exactly the same way!  If she's like my wife, asking her to call the realtor will result in a "why do I have to do everything and be the responsible one?"  She always makes me responsible for things she should be doing so that if the results aren't her version of ideal (usually impossible standards) she can have an excuse to put me down and launch into an attack. Logic doesn't work when you point out that she should do things for herself. It always ends in a circular argument where she breaks out the mental list of everything you've ever done wrong.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Since it's both our second marriages you can add "Would you have called the realtor for your first wife?".  Doesn't matter the answer is "no"... .she's off on a rant.

I'll have to lookup and see if self-trigger is something common.

[wishfulthinking]

I'm sorry, I really have nothing to add except mine does nothing around the house unless I'm to the point where I blow up about the lack of help.  I left a shirt on the bathroom floor (it almost killed me, but I refused to pick it up) for a week and a half and I finally had to SAY something about it.  If it wasn't mine, I wasn't touching it.  For about 2 weeks I was embarrassed if someone came over.  But none of the mess was mine or my D10's.

My main comment though, was for IsItHerOrIsItMe... .that line about there being measuring spoons in the new house, too... .made me laugh.  Thank you.

[OutOfEgypt]

It just went from bad to worse. My BPDw wants me to call a realtor tomorrow to put our house (that we just purchased in Jan. 2014) on the market because I did not know she was finished using a measuring spoon that she left on the kitchen counter and I did not put it away! She actually called me down to the kitchen (I was upstairs) to point at the spoon and say "See, this is what I'm talking about!"

Almost funny to read this because its sounds SO familiar.  My ex would have these rages because the kitchen and kitchen counters were never as perfect as she wanted.  If there was a crumb on the counter, she would accuse us (kids included) of "not caring" about her.  She would lie in bed, depressed, and blame it on how we obviously don't care.  And then about once a month she would rage at all of us and bully us into cleaning everything.  We would all stay up until about midnight or later cleaning.  She would call us names, throw and break the kids toys, etc.

It didn't matter how many times I tried to explain to her that we LIVE in this house, and these are CHILDREN... .we are going to use the kitchen, and it isn't going to be cleaned up completely EVERY time.  A spoon will accidentally get left out.  Crumbs on the counter.  A milk ring on the table.  That is NORMAL.  But to her (who did NOTHING in the house but lay around and complain), there was no excuse.  It was HER kitchen (although she never cooked in it... .I was the cook).  And it didn't matter that I worked 40+ hours a week, got the kids up for school every day, got them dressed, fed them, took them to school, picked them up from school, did homework with them, cooked the meals, did most of the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, ran the errands and did almost all of the shopping... .because I couldn't do it all and keep the kitchen and rest of the house clean, by myself, I was told I wasn't worth helping.  She seemed to think she could do it all, so if I couldn't she didn't want to help me.

[mstnghu]

My wife is exactly the same way about completely blowing up about how I do the house work. What makes it more ridiculous is that I'm a total neat-freak... .and the way I keep up the house is STILL never enough for her. I'm also the one who does about 95% of the house cleaning, yet she's constantly complaining about how she always has to clean up after me!

Anybody who knows me knows that I like to keep my home and my car immaculate. My wife is the first person I've ever met who makes me feel like a total lazy slob!

[OutOfEgypt]

Oh yes, I've been poked fun at and put down for years for being a "slob" and her having to pick up after me.  Yet, in her room on the floor next to her bed was always piles of dirty clothes, trash, papers, fingernail clippings, and piles of dirty dishes.  I'd point that out, even how I would pick up after her (as she left trash, wrappers, and dirty dishes around), and her response was always, "Oh, that's because I just don't care anymore."

Always an excuse.  It's never them.  Never.  And to this day, my daughter tells me how she constantly complains about her sister (she lives with her sister temporarily).

[an0ught]

Hi verytired,

here is a secret for you: You are human and humans are not perfect.

Another secret: Don't try to be something you can't be namely perfect.

Because if you do in the end you will be very tired. I guess you know that already.

While this is all obvious it is incredibly hard to heed. We are exposed to very strong emotions that try to push us to say "sorry, I try better next time". But if we don't truly believe this all what happens is our self esteem sinks. Even worse our partner will now believe whatever we promise and excuse we make. As it is so hard to change we use the acronym JADE to remind us not to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

We can validate when appropriate but then there are also places where boundaries are better used. We can validate that she thinks we will never get it. But when the tone and manner becomes too disrespectful boundaries are necessary. Not having boundaries eventually leads to escalating behavior on her side. It is ok for her to be unhappy with you - that is her problem. It is ok for you to validate that you are less than perfect, make real mistakes and plenty minor ones. It is ok to validate that she thinks she is perfect and knows better (remember validation helps to regulate this delusion  ). But if she can't keep the anger display in proportion to the "crime" it is time to draw a line, walk and let her cool down.