Anyone else get this overwhelming feeling of dread,

[PleaseValidate]

- when a new or repressed memory surfaces? I (unfortunately) remember almost every day of my life between 5 and 20. I'm not sure if me moving and being able to relax made me less hypervigilent,  or if my memory just never recovered from the year I was on Zoloft and felt like a zombie. Anyways... .

Whenever I have  such a memory return,  I get filled with panic and dread. It's like my body is telling the little sleeping bits in my brain,  "how dare you forget that!  How can we stay safe and sane if we can't depend on you?"

The panic/dread has lessened over the years as it happens more, but still there. This latest was me remembering that i was afraid of the dark until about 14 and would have fights w my entire family, especially my uncle,  about whether I was allowed to have the hall light on. I would be petrified and not sleep if i was denied and yet I was not often allowed.

I guess I'm curious: 1. If anyone else developed such a strong long-term memory while living with their BPD person (possibly as a defensive mechanism or survival skill)? And 2. How do you react and cope when an unpleasant or abusive memory surfaces that you've forgotten or repressed?

I THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing! ! 

[sophiegirl]

Hi Pleasevalidate,

I blocked most things out from my early years, it was only when I went to high school I started biting back at the spiteful comments from my mother and up until I was about 30 I carried around a sackful of spite and anger at the world. I mentioned on another post that this is probably why I have never been to see a therapist as I am so used to keeping the hurt bottled up and hidden away I am too frightened to let it out and goodness me I am 48 now!

So I think we all deal with the effect of a BPD parent differently, but some sort of reaction has to be expected under the circumstances.

[HappyChappy]

Yes I also got the recurring memories and associated panic. So that’s normal for an ACORn. Heck we went thought traumatic times.

Having studied Psychology and recently been in Therapy, what you’re describing is quiet important. Basically the human brain has the capacity to remember most things in our lives, but clearly we can’t have all those memories to hand. Cognitive Psychologist believe an effective way of dealing with your panic, is to make a diary of each memory as it comes. Then look at the diary over time to see if there's a trend. To pinpoint the root cause. Then address it, then let go of it. You mentioned it has lessened over the years. A good Therapist(T) should be able to speed that process up.

It worked for me and I’m sure a T could help you with the panic. It's normal to be afraid of bigging up old bad memories, but an approriatly trained Cognitive T will help you do this in a contolled way. Or if funds are low a good book can also help.

[PleaseValidate]

Thanks SophieGirl, i find it so fascinating to see how we each survived in a different way- repressing, dissociating, denying, etc.

HappyChappy, thank you for your advice re cognitive therapy. I have participated in this prior. After the crashing waves of flashbacks 2 years ago- almost to the date- this is only about the third or fourth one i've had since July 13, 2012. That was when my first trigger was found dead in the house i was abused in and then i was forced to stay in the house for the summer. Then, after giving my main trigger a second chance (BPDmo) i again stopped contact w the trigger because i know i would have perished if i did not.

I am very interested in trying EMDR and i think i'm almost ready. I've read a lot of good things about it here and otherwise. and almost all non-fiction books are my best friends! 

[Ziggiddy]

Hi PleaseValidate,

Your post was incredibly intriguing for me. I first came to this site with a paralysis of fear in even just thinking 'negative' thoughts (the truth) about my uBPDm. As time has gone on and my nderstanding has improved, I see it clearer as a process that was beginning.

On the positive side, the fact that the memories are surfacing means that your mind is no longer repressed into protection mode and some part of you is coming ready to start reviewing your experiences. Unfortunately your memories are all in 'child' mode - how you experienced the fearful thing. Probably how terrifying and out of control the causes were for you.

PTSD is one thing - sudden shocking out of control events create a different kind of sensation than CPTSD (complex post trauma)

When fear is prolonged or intermittent, the brain sets up different coping mechanisms that can often end up feeling like dread, fear or paralysis as they resurface.

A competent therapist will walk you through the situations first as the 'child' where you remember things from that perspective (the dread is combined with a feeling of helplessness which is a big part of the problem) Then you remember and go over the experience with a new perspective - as an adult review. this helps you to understand the self protective actions your young mind took in order for you to survive.

I feel so bad for you to be denied the light on as a way to help you cope. So sad.

I too was terrified of the dark. It took a long time to relate that to bad experiences that happened to me associated with going to sleep/ being in bed.

You may find it useful to have a read of the Survivor to thriver guide ----> on the right hand margin

There have already been some terrific points made by other posters in the thread. I might add this little bit of information I found very interesting: when we talk about events that happen to us, there is actually a weird side process where we hear ourselves say the thing and this has some type of effect on certain parts of the brain that deal with emotion and memory. It alters our memory of the events in some subtle way and helps somehow. A bit like getting a child to describe a nightmare they had.

If you have a trusted friend who you think can listen to you without judging and just be there for you to go through it it may well be very useful for you to say the experiences you had.

Whenever I have  such a memory return,  I get filled with panic and dread. It's like my body is telling the little sleeping bits in my brain,  "how dare you forget that!  How can we stay safe and sane if we can't depend on you?"

How do you react and cope when an unpleasant or abusive memory surfaces that you've forgotten or repressed?

Sme times i feel like I have failed myself because I was not able to protect myself from the bad things my parents did to me then I have to remind myself it wasn't my fault. You could really try to picture yourself as that little kid and remember that that is what you were - a little kid who was doing the best she could just to survive. You are not to blame for the ways you were treated that made you scared.

Thanks for the honest post. it has helped me a lot. Best wishes with your recovery and I would be curious as to what solutions you find that work for you

Ziggiddy

[PleaseValidate]

Thanks Ziggiddy! I appreciate your input. This rings especially true for me:


I might add this little bit of information I found very interesting: when we talk about events that happen to us, there is actually a weird side process where we hear ourselves say the thing and this has some type of effect on certain parts of the brain that deal with emotion and memory. It alters our memory of the events in some subtle way and helps somehow. A bit like getting a child to describe a nightmare

I repeated the story of my mother's exbf sexually abuse so often to friends and past lovers that i can happily say I'm 100% over that. It's as though I was "cured" w empathy alone (very Rogerian. ) But all of that processing was done in hs and college when there were many more listeners around. I know I should be saying all of this stuff to a therapist but I've kinda been using this board like a therapist in a way.

My inertia pulls me back from therapy at the moment. Also, while I might be able to overcome this "second wave" faster w a therapist, i never saw one re my BPDmo exbf or "first wave" of BPDmo abuse. (I've seen one in the past mainly for my depression and sleep probs.)

i am DEFINITELY  in child mode when this stuff comes out. Frankly,  a lot of the past 2 years has been stuck in child mode. Not only from being my BPDmo s kid, but I was always thought of as merely "the child attached to Ruth" in that awful house I grew up in and by my mom's sibs who lived there. They- including my BPDmo- still today treat me like an abused child w no needs of her own and it's okay to lie to.

[Ziggiddy]

I repeated the story of my mother's exbf sexually abuse so often to friends and past lovers that i can happily say I'm 100% over that. It's as though I was "cured" w empathy alone

I know what you mean. It makes a HUGE difference when we are geard and 'felt for.' I remember telling a story to a very expressive friend and all she did was gasp. It's weird but in that one intake of breath I felt heard, understood and felt for. Like someone GOT it. It did more for me than all the sympathetic headnodding and "I understand you: statements in the world.

I have at times heard myself suddenl say things out loud that I didn't expect or even really feel to that degree - like "I HATE you for doing (insert experience here) to me. How DARE you?"

Also found listening to myself sob for the first time in decades quite unnerving. I sounded just like my mother during her many MANY sobbing sessions. It was as though it robbed me of myself - like I wasn't entitled to my pain because hers was more important, more dominant more present. hell just plain LOUDER!

Thanks Ziggiddy! I appreciate your input. This rings especially true for me:


I might add this little bit of information I found very interesting: when we talk about events that happen to us, there is actually a weird side process where we hear ourselves say the thing and this has some type of effect on certain parts of the brain that deal with emotion and memory. It alters our memory of the events in some subtle way and helps somehow. A bit like getting a child to describe a nightmare

I know I should be saying all of this stuff to a therapist but I've kinda been using this board like a therapist in a way.

My inertia pulls me back from therapy at the moment.

i am DEFINITELY  in child mode when this stuff comes out. Frankly,  a lot of the past 2 years has been stuck in child mode. Not only from being my BPDmo s kid, but I was always thought of as merely "the child attached to Ruth" in that awful house I grew up in and by my mom's sibs who lived there. They- including my BPDmo- still today treat me like an abused child w no needs of her own and it's okay to lie to.

You shouldn''t go to a therapist unless you want to. It's understandable to use the boards to vent - it's safe and you can be as honest as you like without having to bear the thought of repercussions or being ignored.

It's AWFUL to be lied to. Even worse IMHO to have your own needs discounted. Or even, as happens, used against you like "You're so sensitive/defensive" or "Why are you trying to hurt me?" As though your very needs are an insult to them (Maybe not you but I have had and continue to get that.)

There's a workshop somewhere around here that talks about this - can't remember which.

It's interesting in light of your username - perhaps that's the most important thing - you need to be validated. heard and cared for as a precious person who is entitled to feel valuable and cherished. It's such an awful thing to have missing from childhood.

Maybe if  you're in child mode then that may be a start of how to deal with yourself? Maybe talk to yourself as the child AND the adult. Listen to what the little kid has to say and then hug her for having the courage to say it in the face of all that fear? Maybe even turn the light on for her and understand that she needed to be cared for instead of feeling like a nuisance for asking for what she needed.


PS here is the link to step 4 which may be helpful for you

https://bpdfamily.com/surviving_abuse/04.htm

I really feel for you

[PleaseValidate]

Dear Ziggiddy, 

Your 2 posts have included some of the most helpful things I've read in years. Seriously.


You shouldn''t go to a therapist unless you want to. I



You know what? If I'm really honest with myself I really DONT want to, I'm just "shoulding" all over myself!  I feel like the process and content of therapy is "supposed to" help me,  but I've been there done that and it helped no more that I help myself. And frankly sometimes therapy just p&sses me off!    :'(    ! 

It often feels so canned and ingenious to me and I have serious issues with existential realism and everyone around me being disingenuous and/or going through the motions ESPECIALLY myself! It's like I know what they are going to say, what they are supposed to say, what they have said to scores of people before me and what they will continue to say to others in the exact same "therapeutically detached tone of voice" until they retire!

How do I need this?    It's nothing I haven't said to myself too many times before. I might as well look at a fashion magazine and picture the people within speaking to me because at least I'd have something pretty to look at while I listened to the rerun in my head.

Telling friends, acquaintances and inappropriate strangers and listening to gasps and "WOW!" IS 1000xs more validating and thus therapeutic for me personally. Now that i think of it, maybe calling a chat line and screaming my traumas would be nice because at least I'd get an authentic reaction from the uncomfortablness of it all. Surely out of a party line of 10, they can't all be inured to every type of child abuse.  And i really don't feel like "failing" at social sciences' definition of "therapy" again.

I know neurobiology warns against deepening the grooves in our brains that hold the trauma. But where are the studies showing how repetition of experiences *desensitize* the brain to said trauma? (Like when a therapist listens to trauma stories all day everyday ad nauseum. ) Its basic exposure therapy that if you keep throwing snakes at a woman w a fear if snakes (with her permission), sooner or later, she will not fear the snake.

  I might have to keep throwing each trauma in my own face, and it may take longer than I want but I WILL get over them. I will get over all of this. If i need to lean on dissociation vs rationalization then so be it. I'm trying to feel more and think less anyways. Even if the feeling is the feeling of nothingness.

*Exhale*

Reading over my rant, it seems like I am the one who has become desensitized to therapy. Much like having an SSRI stop working. Which I guess is maybe why I am recently interested in EMDR yet (at least for now) feel through with talk therapy.

Psychotherapy must be the last form of physical or mental treatment which starts out with the premise "your thoughts are wrong. " It makes me sad to know that i won't get to see what becomes of talk therapy in the next 100 yrs. What will we be talking about?  Will "reframing" be to "penis envy" as a lobotomy is now to trepanation?

This post was extremely cathartic for me. I could go on and on philosophizing but now seems like a fine time to quiet my mind.

I am immensely grateful to BPD family for allowing me a safe space to explore and express my feelings and thoughts. Thank you for being here!