Forced to choose

[ImWrecked]

I posted this on the new member board too, but it was suggested that I tell my story here too... I've made a couple posts, but I did want to see what people thought of this particular issue too - mostly because I believe this is going to be the "make it or break it" issue... .

I go back and forth on if I am willing to stay, or if I have to finally leave.  SO I guess that means I'm undecided.  Honestly I don't think it is looking good.  We moved to another state 4 years ago, and my partner hates it.  It is a HUGE problem for us.  And I really don't know how it can ever resolve itself.  So I don't think it probably will if I am being completely truthful.  We seem to be stuck - each on opposite ends.  One of us will have to give in to stay together, and then resent the other one forever. 

She hasn't held a steady job for almost 10 years really without danger of, or actually being fired... .or quitting for various reasons.  I have worked my way up with the same company over the last 12 years.  I make a pretty good living, and have supported us for years while she works entry level jobs.  She expects that if I love her - I should want to make her happy and do anything for her - which includes quitting my job, and moving either back home or to some other place mid-way because she misses her family, and hates where we live.  Now, I have already done this for her once when we met.  I was in the career I went to school for, and had a good job.  When we met, and were in that beginning stage where everything was perfect, we lived hours away from eachother.  So, I quit my job, and moved to where she lived.  I never even considered anything else, as my now step-daughter was 4, and I never wanted her to have to move away from all she knew, and family etc.  So I did that, with no regrets... .even now, I don't really even have any regrets about that.  BUT, that being said, I'm not going to keep doing it!  I don't think it's fair to even ask me to do it, let alone EXPECT me to do it!  I'm made to feel horrible about it all the time, like I'm some terrible partner that is so selfish... .it's awful.

But the way things are right now, and the fact that I DO love where we live now, and I like my job, and don't want to give up what I've built, and also MY family lives nearer to us now (3 hrs away), so I don't want to move away from them anymore either... .I've been told so many times that I'm selfish, and the fact that I don't want to move away from my family DOES make me feel selfish... .and maybe it is, but I just can't see being forced to give everything that I KNOW is constant for me, for something so volitile. 

Ugh, I feel like I'm rambling, and of course those are not nearly all of our issues, but that is the biggest one right now... .has been for a couple years.  And I really don't know how much more I can take.  She threatens to leave, and I feel bad for sort of wishing she just would, but I think it's all just FOG... .

[LettingGo14]

... .I believe this is going to be the "make it or break it" issue... .

Hello ImWrecked -- thank you for posting here.  I'm sorry you are hurting, but you are in the right place for exploring what's next.

One note I'd like to make is that paying attention to your intuition is good and I have highlighted the fact that your intuition seems to consider this a "make it or break it" item [which, for me, has always meant "pay attention" to myself]   

I go back and forth on if I am willing to stay, or if I have to finally leave.  SO I guess that means I'm undecided. 

This, my friend, is completely natural.  We weight options in our hearts and minds.  And thoughts and emotions rise and fall furiously and paradoxically.

One of us will have to give in to stay together, and then resent the other one forever. 

Brene Brown has a great mantra that says, "Better to face discomfort now, rather than hold resentment later."  She uses it often when talking about establishing personal boundaries. 

BUT, that being said, I'm not going to keep doing it!  I don't think it's fair to even ask me to do it, let alone EXPECT me to do it!  I'm made to feel horrible about it all the time, like I'm some terrible partner that is so selfish... .it's awful.

This is a good insight.   You know you are not a terrible partner.  You know you are not selfish.   You don't need to convince someone else of it.

She threatens to leave, and I feel bad for sort of wishing she just would, but I think it's all just FOG... .

You are now taking steps to dissipate the FOG.   Just posting here, and reading about the disorder will give you confidence that the only person you can truly work on is yourself.   

Have you mapped out scenarios for staying?  For leaving?  You can establish minimum requirements (e.g., you stay in job) and evaluate "what if... ." scenarios.   It's sometimes helpful to visualize each state, after you decide what "non-negotiable" states you need for your own sanity.

Keep posting.

[bpbreakout]

I went through the same situation a few years ago. I spent about 2 years trying to find a job in another state so that BPDw could be near her family. I didn't really want to move but I found something that was "adequate" but a bit of a sideways and backwards move for me. However, it would have been enough and I was also happy to do it because the kids would have been closer to extended family (grandparents aunts and uncles) as would BPDw and their were some lifestyle benefits. The interesting thing was that when faced with the choice BPDw could only say that she was only willing to do it if it was a good career move for me, it made a lot of sense superficially but felt wrong. Obviously it wasn't a good career move as it was a backwards/sideways move with family and lifestyle benefits. BPDw couldn't "own" the fact that my decision was in part being made for her sake & it meant there were some responsibilities on her part. It was difficult but I decided to be true to myself and turn the job offer down as BPDw's reaction didn't feel right.

Without going into details it turned out that BPDw's FOO seemingly perfect family (2 parents + 3 brothers and families) totaly fell apart about a year later. Now BPDw is close to one brother and has very little contact with the rest of her family. Similarly the rest her FOO barely talk to each other now even though they live within 5k's of each other. Had I taken that job offer I dread to think how things would have turned out & I seriously doubt whether we would be married.

I'm not saying don't go. However if you do go you need something for yourself & if you don't you will resent it. If the only reason you are going is because it's selfish not to then I don't think that cuts it. The other thing from personal experience is that you are on this board because you are in a relationship with pwBPD then be careful about moving for family reasons.

Good luck, it's a difficult decision.

[momtara]

Someone who loves you does NOT make you choose between two things you love.  They use reasoning like that.  It's faulty. 

[tbddbt]

Nothing is worse than someone with BPD being resentful. Believe me, I've been there. You could bring your issues to a marriage counselor so that it could be worked out logically, but I'm not sure that would stop the resentment. It does make more sense for you to stay where you are, but you could look for a job you'd be happy with where she wants to live and agree to stay until that happens. This depends on how severe the other issues in your marriage are. You very likely may wind up divorced, and will regret moving.

[ImWrecked]

TBDDBT - I don't think I'm even willing to look for a job I'd like wherever she wants or decides she wants to live.  First, I don't think she will be happy wherever we move in any case, so what is the point of me giving up my happiness to continue her unhappiness?  Honestly when I say that it is a make it or break it situation, I believe it is on both our parts.  I'm coming to a point where I'm starting to protect myself, and that is not something I am willing to defer on.  Maybe there are some selfish motives, and I guess that's just the way it is.  I feel like I need to be somewhat selfish right now in order to get myself back... .and to survive. 

LettingGo14 - I don't have any specific scenarios mapped out yet - I'm just starting to wrap my head around that... .

I can't thank you all enough for your support... .I am sort of dreading this weekend... .I'm going to be away at my mothers house, and that will have two problems.  1.  I'm sort of consumed with this BPD Discovery I've made, so I know my mother will sense something is wrong, or at least on my mind, but I don't think I'm ready to talk to her about it yet... .she would be right there telling me to just get out.  Which, I don't think is quite what I need to hear yet... .and then 2. there will be the inevidible fights because I'm away and my partner can't come... .can't wait!  LOL