Business Communication with STBXW

[power thru]

Like many people here on the boards, I do not feel safe speaking with my udstbxw in person. She can never focus on what needs to be resolved. Her conversation immediately shifts to pointing the finger and blaming me for ruining her life and punishing her and her daughters (my step daughters). She makes faces, curses and acts out like a child. Then when she doesn't get a reaction or the correct response from me she resorts to threats telling me how her and her lawyer will screw me over, etc.

Due to the above I cannot speak to her in person or on the phone. I have sent 2 emails to her in regards to bills. She is living in the marital home at the moment but the bills are in my name. I have the paid them for the last month and half and she has not given me a penny. I sent her an itemized list of the bills and what her portion would be. I gave her my mailing address so she could mail me her portion. She answered my first email with a barrage of hate infused texts once again blaming me for being a monster and kicking her and her girls out on the street. The second email she has not answered at all. So I have no clue whether or not she intends to send me money. I gave her a deadline to get specific bills moved over to her name and told her that I would be turning those services off by that date if she has not moved them to her name. These items were cell phone plan, cable, internet and car insurance. I will still split the mortgage, electric and water with her until the divorce is final. She still has not responded. She has told me in the past that she cannot work out a plan for bills with me until we meet face to face. I told her that I did not feel comfortable meeting face to face and that this could all be handled through email. The emails I sent her were very brief informative and professional, no emotion involved.

My question is, should I just continue sending emails and not get replies? I dont want her to come back and say "I never got the emails" or "i have no idea what your talking about, i never heard from you".

I am thinking of copying the emails and sending them to her via certified mail. At least then i can say I tried two forms of communication. What do you think?

[Matt]

I think e-mail is best, because it's free and immediate and it leaves a clear paper trail.  Some e-mail programs also let you see when the other person has opened the message, so you can document that and she can't say she never got it.

That's the easy part.  The harder part is the content.

What works for me is to say what I will do, and then do it.

As an example, if it's about the kids' schedules, I might write:

I need to travel today so I can't pick up the kids tomorrow morning.  I will pick them up at noon tomorrow - Saturday the 12th - and return them to your home the next Saturday, the 19th, at noon.

This is fair because it gives her the maximum possible notice of what I will do, and I try to take her issues into account, so what I will do is respectful of her needs if I know them.

But I don't phrase it as a question - "Is that OK?" - because I don't want to invite a passive-aggressive "No." which would leave us without a plan.

She usually doesn't respond, which is great - we have a plan.

If you try this approach, it might look like this:

As I indicated in my June 20 e-mail to you, I have paid the electricity, water and cable bills for your residence through July 2014.  If you want to keep these services you will need to have them billed to you after that.

Don't argue, don't advocate, don't explain more than needed, and don't invite discussion.  Just state what you will do and then do it.

I had to do exactly this with our cell phones.  I kept my wife on our plan for a little while, when we hoped to fix the marriage, but when I decided to go ahead with the divorce I sent her a note like this.  She did nothing, so at the end of the month her phone went dead, and she complained to her lawyer, who complained to my lawyer.  I showed them both the e-mails I had sent saying exactly what I would do, and that was that - I had made my decision as to how long to keep paying for her cell phone, I had communicated that to her, and she had not taken action to keep the service, so that was that.

Your ex may then call you and try to argue with you, and you'll need to decide about taking her calls - maybe best not to take them at all - or maybe you will take her calls but be prepared to hang up if she speaks to you inappropriately - I had to learn that too.

[enlighten me]

I agree with Matt

Keep communication to Email. Set boundaries with them. Don't pose it as a question because as Matt says it gives them room to argue.

You also have to keep it fair.

Remember you are dealing with someone with child like emotions so think of how you would get your kids to do something. If you say to your kids "do you want to tidy your room" then you've given them an option to say no.

If you give the BPD that option then they will take it.

With my ex wife I learnt the hard way. I would say can I have the boys and would nearly always get a its not convenient answer. When I change to I will have the boys. Then I didn't get an argument or very rarely did. Once I stood my ground she would nearly always back down.

[livednlearned]

I found that my ex took some kind of perverse pleasure in feeling victimized. So he would watch the train approaching and then step out in front of it. Your stbx might be the same. In which case, set aside how she might react and focus on what works for you, just like you're doing. Send her periodic emails to remind her that on x and y dates, services will be cut off unless she calls to switch the accounts to her name.

Maybe just send the same email once a week. Go ahead and call the utilities to let them what date you will be off the accounts.

You are a nice guy, you've been nice for a long time, and now the marriage is over. It's the end of the contract, and what you're doing is decent and fair. No need to do more.

She is receiving the emails and understands the consequences. She also knows she can throw a blamefest on you no matter whether she steps up and takes care of herself. "Look at what you did to me." You could pay her bills for the next 10 years and she would find something to be mad at you about, if she's anything like my ex.

[ForeverDad]

It would be best to tell the utilities, Do not "cut off" services.  Rather, tell them to just stop billing you or close your account.  I'm wondering if the utilities can reach out to her, even sending applications to her or her address to start her own accounts.  You're not the only person to have faced this issue.  While you don't want claims that you're harassing her, you even more don't want claims you've had the services turned off as though you were doing it in spite.

[Matt]

It would be best to tell the utilities, Do not "cut off" services.  Rather, tell them to just stop billing you or close your account.  I'm wondering if the utilities can reach out to her, even sending applications to her or her address to start her own accounts.  You're not the only person to have faced this issue.  While you don't want claims that you're harassing her, you even more don't want claims you've had the services turned off as though you were doing it in spite.

I went through this.  The only service that was turned off was my ex's cell phone.

What I did was, I sent her a couple of e-mails saying when I would quit paying.  "I will continue to pay the electricity, gas, water, and cable bills for [address], and the cost of your cell phone [phone number] through August 2014.  To keep them all active beyond August 31, you need to contact each of those companies and make payment arrangements.  The contact information is below.

cell phone - Verizon - 1.800.xxx.xxxx

water - city department - 1.800.xxx.xxxx

etc.

She shot back with an e-mail accusing me of stuff so I ignored it, and re-sent the same e-mail a couple weeks later.

She apparently called all the utilities but not Verizon, so her phone was shut off.  Her lawyer then accused me of "having her phone shut off" and threatening to shut off her other utilities.  I produced all three e-mails - my two and her response which showed she had read my first one - and I emphasized that I even gave her the phone numbers to call so she couldn't claim she was too stupid to figure out how to deal with the issue.  (She is very smart so that would have been dishonest.)

Bottom line, no problem - my lawyer shut her down very easily.

As FD says, keep it focused on telling what you are going to do - "I will pay such-and-such through August but if you want that service to continue you need to arrange to pay it after that." - no threats or demands.