Taking the step to leave. Recommendations?

[FigureIt]

I contacted my lawyer today about what I need to do to force my current live with uBPDbf to refinance our mortgage and give me my money of 1/2equity and the down payment I placed at purchase.

When we have argued about ending our relationship in the past my uBPDbf has threatened to ":)estroy Me!"  That he would ruin my reputation, that he will cause problems in my custody of my daughter (8) with my ex-husband, that I owe him financially like $20,000 (cuz he paid the mtg. I paid ALL other bills).  Therefore, when I make the "end" official I don't expect it to go smoothly AT ALL!

Any recommendations?

[Matt]

Are you still living with him?

He has made threats - has he ever done anything violent, or made threats of violence?

Do you think he might hurt you or your daughter?

[livednlearned]

Good questions from Matt.

Can you get your ex to put some of his threats in text messages or in emails? Or, record him saying these things with a voice recorder? You can record him without getting his permission if you live in a one-party state. Just in case he tries to make problems for you around custody, it would be good to have a record of him threatening you.

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? It's a really helpful resource when you're planning to end a contractual relationship with someone who is BPD. It's for married couples, but it will give you a sense of how the disorder and courts mix. Unfortunately, you'll probably have to hire a lawyer to force a refi the house. If you do that, let us know -- a lot of us have had experience with that as part of divorce. It's rather amazing how BPD sufferers can obstruct and drag things out, even if it boomerangs back at them. My refi took almost two years   You have to make sure that the legal language is watertight and that every possible act of non-compliance on his part includes some kind of consequence. That way the judge can just say, "Looks like Mr. BPD says he would pay legal fees if he did not comply with the refinance." Or whatever the consequence should be.

You can also consult with several lawyers for $50-$100 -- that's about what it costs for 30 minutes to ask questions where I live. You don't necessarily have to retain them, and you can find out how things might work. Very helpful for lowering stress! My ex threatened for years that I would never get custody of our son, and would end up in section 8 housing, blah blah blah. I never picked up the phone and talked to a lawyer, but I should have. I just figured he would make good on his threats (he's a lawyer), and it turns out he's the one who lost custody.

BPD sufferers make all kinds of threats, and some of them actually follow through on those threats. It's wise to take them seriously, but also check into the facts to see if there is really anything to be concerned about. A lot of times they'll say things just to rattle your cage.

Do you have a decent coparenting relationship with the father of your child, the one you share custody with?

[ForeverDad]

And there's the other option, force a sale if he won't or can't refinance.

Since you're on the mortgage with him, then you're also on the deed?  If so, then your co-ownership gives you leverage.  Don't gift it away by signing a quit claim deed to him, other than court your co-ownership is your only leverage over him for compliance.

Yes, be prepared for unbelievable obstruction and endless delays and continuances.  It may not turn out that difficult but it might.

What LnL wrote about writing as many consequences into settlements or orders is so true.  If you have an order for him to do something but no consequences are included, then it forces you to return to court to find out what, if any, consequences the court will issue.  Many courts are reluctant to give stiff consequences expecting the parties to eventually settle somewhat amicably.  Um, not in cases like ours.

[FigureIt]

Thank you for your responses. I don't believe he will hurt me physically and I am fully comfortable calling 911 and leaving if need to. H is usually verbally abusive or harassing when he is drunk. Which he will be tonight and tomorrow (golf tournament) and in my opinion he is an alcoholic.

I have contacted my previous divorce attorney.  I just know once I initiate the process "it's on!"

He texted me today while golfing in weak cell sevice area "Love me?" Are you f'in kidding me? He gave me sh** for going golfing with my dad, asked me nothing of my day, goes and does whatever he wants & needs to be reassured. And FYI left this am at 8, it is now 12:30am & has not yet returned home.

[Matt]

How much does he drink?

Has he gotten bad consequences from drinking, like a DUI or losing a job?

[FigureIt]

How much does he drink?

Has he gotten bad consequences from drinking, like a DUI or losing a job?

He drinks on the weekend (friday & saturday) to an excess.  He can never drink just a couple.  I'd say it is always at least 10+.  Since I have been with him he has never gotten a DUI or lost his job.  His job is during the week and he's been there 20yrs. He manages a plant and never drinks during the week or when working.  He's actually a high functioning BPD outside of our relationship. 

He drinks and drives all the time when I don't go out with him.  So, it's just a matter of time before something happens. 

[Matt]

One definition of "addiction" is when you get bad consequences but you keep doing it anyway.  I don't know if that applies, since he hasn't had a bad accident, DUI, etc.

He may be a high-functioning alcoholic, or he may be a "substance abuser" that wouldn't meet the definition of "alcoholic".  Hard to say, and it doesn't really matter;  you're right that if he continues to drink a lot, and drive, even once or twice a week, sooner or later that's likely to lead to bad consequences, and there's probably nothing you can do about it, except make sure you're not in the car at the time.

It seems like the key issue right now is that he is verbally abusive when he drinks, and that's at least once a week.  Maybe one way to focus would be to establish some boundaries around that.  Are you living together, and is there a way you can just not be around him when he is drinking (or maybe other times too)?

Does he have contact with your daughter, and would there be a practical way to end that contact?

It's always a good idea to document things, like threats and verbal abuse.  In many states it's legal to audio-record, if just one party (you) are aware of it.  Many phones can do that, and .mp3 players.  You can probably find out online whether your state allows that, or ask your attorney.

I'm not an attorney, and nobody here can give you legal advice, but I think a lot of things will become possible when you file something with the court.  Since you're not married, that won't be divorce papers, but I think you could file a request for a restraining order or "order of protection".  You don't have to make a bunch of accusations, just say the truth - sometimes he drinks heavily and is verbally abusive, and you don't want him around yourself or your daughter, so you want him to move out and you want the court to decide the financial arrangements.  Might be a single motion, or maybe one motion for the restraining order and another for the financial issues.

Your lawyer can tell you what the rules are where you live.  The reason I suggest a restraining order is because he is already abusive, and drink heavily at times, and because you are concerned that he won't take the breakup well;  a restraining order will get the law involved right from the start, so if he doesn't deal with it we you will have some options to get help quick - you can call 911 and have a copy of the court order with you and the police should come and enforce it.  The RO will put your bf on notice that he needs to act right or he will pay a price.