Newly Diagnosed Granddaughter

[Nana49]

We have been legal guardians for our granddaughter since she was 17 months old. She was in therapy when she was little to try to make sure that she would have help with any issues not being raised by her parents might surface.  It was determined that she was doing well so after 2 years the therapy was discontinued.  She was in therapy again when she was 14 because she was exhibiting some signs of an eating disorder and had engaged in some risky behavior. We were also concerned because she seemed so volatile and moody at times. After a few months of therapy we were told that she was doing well, was not anorexic, and that the moods and anger were normal, just part of normal teenage acting out. Life continued, she continued to do great at school and was involved in extra curricular activities. The only new concern was that she found it very difficulty to make friends. She had never had a boyfriend - said they were too much trouble. Then in April she met a 24 year old man at a concert and they became friends.  We have met him and he seems to be a nice guy  She said they both knew it would be a summer fling since she was leaving.

She graduated from high school, continued with her plans to attend college on the East Coast (we live on the West Coast). Right before she left she started having regrets about leaving California and everything/everyone she knows and that she would not make any friends so would be all alone. When I asked her if we needed to come up with another option, she got angry and tole me I wasn't suppose to give her an out. I was suppose to encourage her to follow her plans and go to New York. She corresponded with the girls that would become her roommates and seemed to adjust to the idea of leaving. The night we left to take her to New York she stayed in her room until time to leave crying.  When it was time to leave, she came out and we left. I was with her for three days to get her ready for moving into the dorm. While in New York I notices two cuts on her arm.  When I asked her what happened she said that there was something sharp in a box she was packing and she got cut. I was concerned that she was not telling me the truth, but since she had never cut herself before (that we have seen) I walked on eggshells the entire time to try not to add to her anxiety. I hoped that the joy she had felt when she got accepted to the college would return once the "move" was over.  

When we talked she said she tried to make friends but they don't like her, even though there has been no conflicts.  She said she has gone to some club meeting, but they are only "okay" and she didn't make any friends there either.  She then said she was considering applying to transfer to a UC in California next year and that she had talked to them and with all of her AP credits and current courses she could apply to transfer as a Junior. She said she hadn't made up her mind, but wanted to keep her options open in case she still didn't like being at her college. She also said her classes were boring and that she got a C on her first assignment in one of her classes.  She talked about just leaving school. We encouraged her to give it more time and to work to be able to transfer if that was possible.

At the end of that conversation she informed us that she had been going to therapy since she got to college, had seen a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with BPD. She was upset that the school only provided eight sessions and that she would have to get a referral for long term sessions  - she did not have the $250 dollars for the deductible and money for the copys so she would not be able to continue with therapy.  We of course told her that we would take care of the payment, for her to just get the referral and make the appointment.  I want to be sure she get to someone who specializes in BPD, but she just wants to go to the therapist the college referred her to. She has always had a problem asking questions of people in authority (except for her grandfather and I) and does not like me to suggest actions she could take to be sure her needs are met.

I should also state that since she was going to move to New York we had decided to sell our home and travel for a couple of years before settling down again. She has been part of all of these discussions and seemed excited that she would be able to joins us on some of her breaks. She had not planned on coming home for summers as she wanted to get internships and/or research jobs.  It was not until just before she was leaving that she said it wasn't fair that she had to pack up all of her things for storage or put them in the RV - all of her friends had homes to come home to and she didn't. I told her that wasn't true, it just wouldn't be this house.

Now that she has been given the diagnosis, and I have researched the disorder, so many things have fallen into place. I am afraid that all of the changes coming at once may have pushed her over the edge. I don't know what we should do to support her. We have talked about not putting the house up for sale and offering her the choice of coming home now and enrolling in a Community College if she wanted to.  We are concerned that maybe she should just stay there and hope that therapy helps her to adjust.  From everything I have read, that does not seem realistic. We are also concerned that she may try to harm herself if she doesn't get the proper help.  

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to put all of my feelings into words and apologize for the length.  Just needed to get it all out.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

 

Hi Nana49,


I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties your family and GD are having. It's frustrating, stressful and I like the way that you described that feeling "walking on eggshells". You are a thoughful, caring and compassionate person. It sounds like you have a good idea of what is going on and you are looking support and guidance. We have many parents here that share similar experiences and I'm glad that you have found us. There is hope.

No need to apologies. We feel isolated when we are confused with the behaviors and when you find out it is a personality disorder there's a  and everything 'clicks' into place.

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

BPD Overview and Documentary - Back From the Edge Video

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

Validation--Tips and Traps for Parents

Hang in there 


- Mutt

[HealingSpirit]

Hello Nana49,

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to our family.

I am so sorry your granddaughter has BPD. I know how devastated you feel. My daughter is 17, and has also been diagnosed. My daughter (DD) cuts as well... .always in private.  I know how heartbreaking it is to discover those wounds. And that "walking on eggshells" feeling is familiar to everyone here. We all tiptoe around our loved one with BPD from time to time.

I'm glad you found us. There are tools, lessons, and lots of information and other parents and grandparents on the "Parenting board" that Mutt already gave you a link for.  The information gives you things to do that help YOU cope.

I'm out of time at the moment. I just wanted to say hi and I will look for you in the parenting board.  I have a hunch you're right that there have been too many changes at once. People with BPD can't handle stress, even good stress.

I'll come back later.

[Nana49]

Thank you both for responding.  I have been watching the videos and reviewing the other materials.  The are very helpful.  I see us in many of the situations and know that I have not been responding in a way that is validating.  This is something that I can and will change.   

[HealingSpirit]

I see us in many of the situations and know that I have not been responding in a way that is validating.  This is something that I can and will change.   

I had a similar epiphany when I first arrived at this site. It's nice to know there ARE things we can do to stop making things worse.  There is a long road ahead, but we're all here to learn and support each other through it.