Ex BPD fiancé sleeping around

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm two months out of this four year relationship.

We have a two year old son together who is living with her parents as she is a med student. The relationship went bad and I'm sure you all know how it goes.

She is sleeping with multiple men at one time. Leaving my son with her 15 year old sister while she travels 30 miles to London, sleeps with them and then gets the train back at 6 am in the morning. That was on Monday night with a man called Mark.

Saturday night she went to London and had sex with a man called Daniel and I know there are more men on her hook.

She always made out she was an angel throughout the relationship and even now and she is acting like a hussy and abandoning her son. I know she always had men on the side that would massage her ego. She'd tell me men always asked her out and wanted to wine and dine her. Tell me I couldn't do better than her, no one would put up with me etc. I honestly started to believe it.

She lives 200 miles away from these men, she only wants to date in London. They are successful men. They will use and abuse her for sex.

I'm finding it very difficult to think of this girl whom I shared a life with, sleeping with multiple men and cheapening herself!

I cant get it off my mind!

[londonD]

I'm two months out of this four year relationship.

We have a two year old son together who is living with her parents as she is a med student. The relationship went bad and I'm sure you all know how it goes.

She is sleeping with multiple men at one time. Leaving my son with her 15 year old sister while she travels 30 miles to London, sleeps with them and then gets the train back at 6 am in the morning. That was on Monday night with a man called Mark.

Saturday night she went to London and had sex with a man called Daniel and I know there are more men on her hook.

She always made out she was an angel throughout the relationship and even now and she is acting like a hussy and abandoning her son. I know she always had men on the side that would massage her ego. She'd tell me men always asked her out and wanted to wine and dine her. Tell me I couldn't do better than her, no one would put up with me etc. I honestly started to believe it.

She lives 200 miles away from these men, she only wants to date in London. They are successful men. They will use and abuse her for sex.

I'm finding it very difficult to think of this girl whom I shared a life with, sleeping with multiple men and cheapening herself!

I cant get it off my mind!

[ForeverDad]

Let Go and Move On.  She has no problem with that - look up 'object constancy' AKA "out of sight, out of mind" - but you do because you're relatively normal.  Letting go and moving on will be a process for you, not an event.

Meanwhile, what are you doing regarding your parenting?  From that brief post I wonder if your ex is one of those relatively few described here who are more interested in adult relationships than parenting?  If so, then as bad as she is behaving it may also allow you to be a more involved parent.  Despite how bad you feel about what she has done and is doing, have you pondered the positives of that?

So I have to ask, how does she react when you are parenting?  Does she try to obstruct your parenting time?  If not, then understand that many fathers here would be envious of your ability to parent without extreme conflict and opposition.

By the way, my ex told me that many men wanted to date her but she thought they were too macho.  She wanted me to know she was being chased but heaven forbid if I ever said I had liked anyone at all in the years before.  Now I look back and realize she liked me at least partly because I was so thoughtful and not macho or controlling.  Years later she was the controller.

[londonD]

Let Go and Move On.  She has no problem with that - look up 'object constancy' AKA "out of sight, out of mind" - but you do because you're relatively normal.  Letting go and moving on will be a process for you, not an event.

Meanwhile, what are you doing regarding your parenting?  From that brief post I wonder if your ex is one of those relatively few described here who are more interested in adult relationships than parenting?  If so, then as bad as she is behaving it may also allow you to be a more involved parent.  Despite how bad you feel about what she has done and is doing, have you pondered the positives of that?

I have my son every weekend, I'm a very hands on daddy. I share wonderful times with him and he loves me.

I'm terrified of being replaced by another man, I don't want my son to look up to another man.

You are completely right she prefers attention from random men than quality time with her son. That's hurts as she got pregnant 4months into the relationship specifically to trap me. Now look where I am!

I hate her, don't like her, don't want her BUT I don't want another man to have her, how pathetic is that?

[londonD]

Let Go and Move On.  She has no problem with that - look up 'object constancy' AKA "out of sight, out of mind" - but you do because you're relatively normal.  Letting go and moving on will be a process for you, not an event.

Meanwhile, what are you doing regarding your parenting?  From that brief post I wonder if your ex is one of those relatively few described here who are more interested in adult relationships than parenting?  If so, then as bad as she is behaving it may also allow you to be a more involved parent.  Despite how bad you feel about what she has done and is doing, have you pondered the positives of that?

I have my son every weekend, I'm a very hands on daddy. I share wonderful times with him and he loves me.

I'm terrified of being replaced by another man, I don't want my son to look up to another man.

You are completely right she prefers attention from random men than quality time with her son. That's hurts as she got pregnant 4months into the relationship specifically to trap me. Now look where I am!

I hate her, don't like her, don't want her BUT I don't want another man to have her, how pathetic is that?

Ps she constantly threatens to deny me access and turn my son against me. That's the only real way she can hurt me. To date she has never followed through as her parents won't allow it

[ForeverDad]

Threats and demands are typical.  Some are toothless, for others you need strategies to address.  Are you on the birth certificate?  Do you need to prove paternity with a DNA test?  What may help is that you get a reasonable order from the court, that might make her obstruction threats weaker.  Or maybe you're getting more time with the current arrangement (every weekend) than you might get from the court (often fathers get alternate weekends).  Or if she is so disconnected from parenting you might get more.  It could go either way.  But look at the current parenting as a History of Involved Parenting, hard to undo later.

It sounds like her parents are a resource for you.   That alone doesn't mean they're on your side, but it's sure better than if they were enabling their daughter.

[londonD]

Threats and demands are typical.  Some are toothless, for others you need strategies to address.  Are you on the birth certificate?  Do you need to prove paternity with a DNA test?  What may help is that you get a reasonable order from the court, that might make her obstruction threats weaker.  Or maybe you're getting more time with the current arrangement (every weekend) than you might get from the court (often fathers get alternate weekends).  Or if she is so disconnected from parenting you might get more.  It could go either way.  But look at the current parenting as a History of Involved Parenting, hard to undo later.

It sounds like her parents are a resource for you.   That alone doesn't mean they're on your side, but it's sure better than if they were enabling their daughter.

Yes I'm on his birth certificate, I have parental responsibility. She just called me and was working herself.

She got heated, I told her to leave me alone and I said all I want is a relationship with my son. She replied "well that's not going to happen now is it" and hung up the phone.

She throws tantrums like a kid. I sometimes don't know if she will withhold access.