Warning your replacement

[Mr Hollande]

The thought has occurred to me but personally I have too much self preservation and pride to ever act on it. Has anyone here ever contemplated or even actually acted on the notion of warning their replacement of the dangers they are in?

[Tausk]

Most of us have thought about it.  Especially at first.  And many have wanted to contact past exes.

Not our issues and a violation of boundaries.  Would you have believed your ex's abusive ex boyfriend if he approached you during the idealization phase?  In fact, it might bond the next guy even deeper to your ex.

Wanting to warn just means that we belong on this board.   

And also, how does warning help us detach or depersonalize the Disorder? 

Thanks for sharing,

T

[Mr Hollande]

Absolutely agreed with your points Tausk. I ask more out of interest. The new guy was waiting in the wings and pulling strings long enough for me to not care less if she rips him apart. The sooner the funnier and he won't get any help or support from me. He can learn the hard way.

[eagle755]

I'm sure we're all waiting for the day the replacement contacts us and tries to be her hero for our "abuse"

Because at some point, we wanted to contact the ex and be like what the heck man

I won't contact my replacement, and if I were contacted, I'd probably laugh, and nod my head in shame for knowing how it'll all turn out. Its sad really

[Overbeck]

I emailed the new guy. But there was special circumstances.

I dated new guy's daughter. My Borderline ex had a "freakout" when she found out and told new guy I was dangerous to his daughter. The daughter and her sister told new guy they would not do anything with him if he was with my ex.

So I emailed him to explain everything. He never returned the email.

Afterward I found out he was a drunk (like my ex) who finds weak women and uses them for a while. My email might have fueled his mission to get her drunk and take advantage of her. I regret contacting him.

Every case is different. But the amount of harm that can be done by contacting new guy/gal outweighs any good that could come from it IMO.

[Mr Hollande]

Good point about the one prior to us. What a "monster" he was.  And how subtle she was when letting me know about his abominable actions. Masterful!

It's also amusing to recall how one of the last things she said to me was that "if the new guy, who also just happened to be the love of her life, knew all the bad things I'd allegedly done to her he'd kick my ass". At the time I was happy for him to give it a go. It still remains to happen. I'm guessing it won't. I mean just imagine if he should find me a decent feller and decide to hear me out.  

[Ventus2ct]

No way! Not worth the hassle, and besides I'm painted black already, described as a controlling monster/psycho nutter, it would merely reinforce and back up her accusations. He can find out for himself, if he's not already.

I have however sent some feelers out to find out what the reason was for her to leave her family, job and home 500 miles away four years ago as i suspect this will be very telling. She was very "vague" about any detail except to say that someone accused her of having an affair and spread it round the local town, said it was so bad she had to leave…….! I only wish she would bu**er off back there!

When her last ex met me for the first time in a night club, he ignored her completely, i simply introduced myself but he said nothing but guess he didn't need to. They are now best of friends again now however despite all the "horrible" things he did to her blah blah blah! You know the story

[goldylamont]

yeah, i never thought about contacting the guys after me. she uses sex to wrap them around her finger (then subsequently to try to destroy them). i knew nothing i said was more powerful than the big P.

i would probably talk to an ex of hers though. if he reached out to me and as long as he was in the right head-space. in fact most of what i've heard about two exes speaking to each other in this way didn't turn out to be a negative interaction.

i wouldn't want to turn it into a "bashing of the ex" kind of thing because devaluing her even more than she devalued herself would just kind of make me feel bad--lol. i kind of like having at least 'some' good memories  

Afterward I found out he was a drunk (like my ex) who finds weak women and uses them for a while. My email might have fueled his mission to get her drunk and take advantage of her. I regret contacting him.

trust, she's taking advantage of him just as much. she's getting into exactly what she wants regardless of his past. i wouldn't so much view her as the victim in this exchange. it's possible she has had plenty of experience with these types of men in her past, as well as 'nicer' men.

[Sgt Biggs]

I considered it but figured that even if he did take my advice there would soon be the next replacement then the next. Where do you stop? It certainly can't help you move on.

Best to grab some popcorn and watch from a safe distance I think.

[Housman]

Her new replacement is an old friend of mine, and I've been so tempted to since we were close and I genuinely care for him, but two things occurred to me

1) it's early on, and I'm sure he's in heaven

2) he's my sacrifice, as long as she's with him she's off my back.


I will continue to be nice to him and pleasant, and when it eventually falls apart I'll be there for him. I know she's slandering me completely, so I also think he wouldn't take very kindly to me at this point anyways, not to mention he'd probably just think I'm desperate. But it's his price to pay, and most of us know, nothing could have torn us away from them during the idolization period. They'll learn soon enough.

I did contact her last ex, as it was the same story, an it was refreshing to be reminded that everything I went through he went through, and that she totally lied about him. Helps to see that they are the screwed up ones, not us.

[MommaBear]

God yes, every freakin' day!

But I won't. I can't. She's in the an early phase where she's convinced she's found "the one", and of course, I'm the devil incarnate.

The thing that bothers me the most is the way he describes her. Kind, caring, compassionate, sensitive, a real "giver". I can't help but shake my head and know exactly what this poor girl is in for.

But my hands are tied. I know it's a futile effort, so I just sit back and watch the same horror show unfold, only this time, I'm in the audience and not up on the stage.

I did contact one of his "replacements" at one time, and simply asked if they could be intimate at HER place, since I was still paying for the house, and I had spent a fortune on the bed. Also, I would watch our child so they could go out on dates. I never interfered, never made problems for them, I just wanted them to respect this one thing. I didn't get mad, I was really calm and discrete and just wanted to talk to her, woman-to-woman. She was remarkably understanding and even apologized, saying that if she had known, she would most definitely have gone to her place instead.

I never told her about his BPD. Never told her about the abuse, the lies, the freakshow that was my marriage. I wanted to, but she was pretty sharp and confided in me that she had planned to dump him anyway because he had "boundary issues".

She did think he was a massive jerk for not respecting this one simple request of mine, and found him pretty heartless to take her back to the house and in my bed, after I specifically asked him not to.

I only wish I had been half as observant as she was so early on in the relationship.

I did, however, tell her, that under different circumstances, that I thought she and I could probably be friends. She agreed, but we were far from enemies. She was actually very sympathetic, even got me some kleenex as I cried quietly (it was tough to face such cruelty on his part), and for the first time in my relationship, I realized how incredibly messed up he was, that a STRANGER, a woman he was involved with, no less, had more compassion and sympathy for me than he ever did.

She was too good for him, and she knew it. That was the day I realized I was too good for him as well.

Just goes to show you, not every replacement is as easily fooled as we are.

But as for this new one? She young and naive. He chose this one CAREFULLY. According to him, she thinks I'm a horrible human being. She's hooked into his web of crazy, and he knows it. There's no saving her now. I won't even try.

[OutOfEgypt]

I've thought about it.  But I decided not to.  I'm too happy thinking about targeting someone else rather than me for a change -better for me and better for our kids.  I know that if I approached any of her current victims they, first of all, probably wouldn't buy it, and second of all, would be too enmeshed with her to NOT report it back to her (FOG at work!).  So, that would unnecessarily target me.  However, I do wonder if I'll ever get a knock on my door and it will be one of her exes or someone she's currently seeing.  And we can have a nice long chat.

[beachlover]

I had gone about two months without talking to my ex and she emailed me saying she had something really important to tell me. I unfortunately spoke to her where she tried to tell me that before we stopped talking she was pregnant with my kid and got an abortion. She told me the only person she told was her mom. Out of figuring she was lying again and that she had made me extremely upset, I spoke to her mom. She had no clue what I was talking about. I think this falls into this category as at least her mom realizes what she has spawned, but she won't and I have yet to receive an apology. As for her new guy, he sat by during our relationship and was a complete scumbag. He will get his misery that he deserves.

[HostNoMore]

Honestly, I don't think warning your replacement would do any good at all.  In fact, it would only be used to your exBPD's advantage.

In retrospect, I ignored so many red flags from her and pretty much knew what I was getting into before I got suckered in by her lies no warning from her exH would have stopped me as I was the White Knight.  I had to learn my lesson the hard way as did my replacement.  I learned that they got divorced about a year ago which probably explains why she tried to contact me late last year.  No warning would have saved me as BPDs can spin things very, very well. 

I've been out of the that dysfunction for almost 3 years now.  Even when I was severely hurting, I celebrated my replacement as I'm sure he celebrates his replacement now.

[londonD]

The thought has occurred to me but personally I have too much self preservation and pride to ever act on it. Has anyone here ever contemplated or even actually acted on the notion of warning their replacement of the dangers they are in?

I split with my ex BPD fiance only two months ago, we had sex a month ago, I was an idiot to let it happen.

She already had a guy lined up. Little did she know he is a friend of a friend, I have also found out they slept together a day before she recycled me back in February.

I found out that she had told this man that I beat her and that I had STD's.

She went to see him Monday last week and left our son with her 15 year old sister over night while she traveled 30 miles to get her leg over.

The next day she sent me constant abuse, making threats. I warned her twice that if she didn't leave me alone I would forward the messages on to him demonstrating how unstable she is. She persisted so I sent them!

He's a psychiatrist, it wouldn't have taken him long to work it out alone. I just thought I'd outline exactly what he was dealing with.

[Vatz]

When she cheated with that one in march '13. Once the ego-crushing stuff ended, a thought occurred.

I should have just told her to go be with him. I should have let *him* be my replacement. He had all sorts of anxieties and depression. He was very socially awkward and had the "I'm Nice=I'm Entitled To Women" attitude. I wouldn't have warned him then anyway.

I should have let her at him, why? Revenge for banging my girlfriend. If he was with her, there was a good chance he'd have killed himself over her somewhere down the line after her abuse. I really really regret being short-sighted because A) Wouldn't have the issues I'm having now, B) A potentially dead moron, that's a win for me.

No I don't want to tell the replacements, because they'll suffer at her hands. The men who replace me did so knowing they were stepping in my neck of the woods. If they get burned, GOOD. F*** 'em.

[OutOfEgypt]

The last guy my ex screwed is still hanging around.  When she last recycled with me and cut him off, he checked himself into a mental hospital.  He wrote cryptic messages on the windows of his car (he lives in his car... .moved across the country to be with her, while we were still married).  And sometimes I see his car around town, still.  Sometimes he goes away for a bit, now that my ex is dating someone else and he is all pissed off about it.  Poor dumb ass.  He's going to be hanging around on her until kingdom come, but he'll never have her.  She'll probably screw him again, for sure... .when she needs some supply.  But he won't ever have her.

[goldylamont]

When she cheated with that one in march '13. Once the ego-crushing stuff ended, a thought occurred.

I should have just told her to go be with him. I should have let *him* be my replacement. He had all sorts of anxieties and depression. He was very socially awkward and had the "I'm Nice=I'm Entitled To Women" attitude. I wouldn't have warned him then anyway.

I should have let her at him, why? Revenge for banging my girlfriend. If he was with her, there was a good chance he'd have killed himself over her somewhere down the line after her abuse. I really really regret being short-sighted because A) Wouldn't have the issues I'm having now, B) A potentially dead moron, that's a win for me.

No I don't want to tell the replacements, because they'll suffer at her hands. The men who replace me did so knowing they were stepping in my neck of the woods. If they get burned, GOOD. F*** 'em.

Vatz the problem here I feel is that you are giving this 'replacement' too much power. If he's the desperate nice guy type then really it was these qualities your ex chose to exploit in him. I feel as if you are wanting to establish some sort of control over this past incident because of the pain of feeling so powerless at the time. Even if you acted as you stated and "gave" your ex to this guy--if we really look at this statement we are just saying that you would have ended your r/s sooner and perhaps saved yourself some pain. What's most important here is that I feel like the hate you are feeling is rooted in a need to forgive yourself (not the replacement or you ex) for hanging on too long when you could have let go. Truthfully most of us were powerless in these situations to try and make our ex's faithful so you have to forgive yourself for trying. Can you see that even back then that you didn't actually 'have' your ex at all, that there was nothing you had of her to 'give' away? This is an illusion that many carry. If you had walked away then you could have spared yourself some pain but this wouldn't have any bearing on what your ex did to the other guy at all--she was out of everyone's control, even her own.

[Vatz]

I get what your saying goldylamont. Yeah, I do regret staying as long as I did because it only complicated things down the road.

Maybe I'm still angry at myself because I saw it coming a mile away and still did nothing. What your saying is I haven't forgiven myself for inaction? If so, then you're right. I haven't and I don't know how. It left me so hurt and only complicated my situation with her. How does one forgive themselves?

As for her, not really having been *with* me at all that whole time? Yeah, I can see that too. It makes a whole lot of sense, but hindsight is 20/20. All I could do now is not let ego get in the way of acting on red-flags when I see them. Thanks, goldylamont.

[OutOfEgypt]

How does one forgive themselves?  You realize that you are human, you give yourself a break, and you place the anger where it belongs by realizing that you aren't responsible for someone else's terrible actions.  And the big one is... .you realize that punishing yourself for not being this or that is really just a self-destructive ego-trip.  Would it have made you more "manly" to do that, so now you are going to beat yourself up for it?  Pfft.  Baloney.  Give yourself a break, ya know? 

[Dutched]

No I won’t warn him, as others it crossed my mind.

I don’t wish it for my worst enemy, but when he is clever, we welcome him on this Board. Sadly enough.

I have had a long R/S.

As she mailed me months ago:  “I have met some one with whom I want to built a R/S”

   # why telling me?

   # she did not fall in “love”, reading the message, just she met a guy good enough for a R/S

Anyway.

Knowing exBPDw I can strongly imagine that she will desperately hold onto that soother (as I call him) and desperately want to proof that she is normal  (in her new R/S).

The more she will prove, so capture and strangle him, the sooner all fall apart.

Further, seems soother never had kids, so ex can forget a “father figure” for her happy new family.

My S19, doesn’t like him and describes him as an “arrogant, self-righteous person”. S19 “kills” every conversation soother tries to start with him and avoids being at mom place by going out as much as possible.

Maybe a bit off topic, but so where does it leaves mom?

Soother not accepted by kids, S19 avoiding, seems D23 most of time with family of boyfriend. 

A soother about 50-55, previous R/S, old pain, feeling not accepted by kids… excluded…

Tension will built up for mom, soother unaware of “that” mood…  so is soother looking for that “happy new start”… ?  Doubt it, but I can’t predict.

[goldylamont]

How does one forgive themselves?  You realize that you are human, you give yourself a break, and you place the anger where it belongs by realizing that you aren't responsible for someone else's terrible actions.  And the big one is... .you realize that punishing yourself for not being this or that is really just a self-destructive ego-trip.  Would it have made you more "manly" to do that, so now you are going to beat yourself up for it?  Pfft.  Baloney.  Give yourself a break, ya know? 

Vatz, everything OutOfEgypt is correct. A few things to think about:

** for a cisgender (straight) male, one of our biggest life dreams is to not only meet but to provide for a beautiful woman who is true to us. so after being convinced this is what we had, it's incredibly hard to let go of this and realize it was a fantasy (due to her issues/infidelities and also our own past when this plays a part). I'm sure you're familiar with the term "slut-shaming", which is unwarranted ignorance perpetuated by society against women for owning their own sexuality. Well, in a way, I feel as men that going through a BPD betrayal with other men involved--this is ultimately "man-shaming" if you will. It's the nightmare come true, that our ex's aren't who we thought they were and never will be. And many pwBPD turn the man-shaming up to volume 11 if they can. We are left embarrassed, enraged, and wishing we knew sooner, behaved better.

Yet, we can't change the past. Ok. And you are wondering how to forgive yourself? To start, don't allow this to happen again. This doesn't mean you won't start r/s that you find out you have to end or that may not be healthy. But it means that from now on you are wiser and won't fall for the same tricks again. I feel you already have this level of awareness, that is the main lesson to learn from the experience. Vatz, if you work towards being healthy and make sure this doesn't happen to you again, then there's no need to not forgive yourself immediately for the past. Can you see it from this perspective? You've tortured yourself enough about the mistakes made, own it (which you already have) then don't beat yourself up about it because you know you won't let it happen again.

** it takes big cojones to admit to yourself that you made this mistake. many people get stuck on outwardly directing the hate towards others (or themselves). you are already recognizing that you have to forgive yourself. this shows your own character and strength, even if it still does feel $h*+y. you will cycle through with more emotions of hate towards replacement/ex, but now you know where it's coming from and that you only need to forgive yourself first, and forgiveness for them will follow (i promise).

** you made a mistake. and you've punished yourself already for making the mistake. you only need to be punished once to learn the lesson. haven't you already learned the lesson? so, there is no need to punish yourself any more. you absolutely can forgive yourself, because now you are safe from making this mistake again.

I found this book extremely helpful for forgiving myself and my ex. Perhaps it can help you too:

www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Forgiveness-Magical-Encounter/dp/1844091902

Some quotes below that you may enjoy. I have gained a lot from reading Toltec wisdom, some insights:

    “In the old dream, there is a ‘forgiveness’ that is actually based on personal importance. It says: ‘You have hurt me, I judge and condemn you, but I am a better person than you, so I will forgive you.’ There are many variations on this theme, but they all reflect the old dream of wrongdoing, judgment, and victimization. It is not actually forgiveness at all.

    “When a Toltec Warrior clears an incident with recapitulation, there is no longer any hurt, no perpetrator, and no victim. The entire incident is released. There is no need to forgive, because from the eagle’s perspective, there is no offense to be punished or forgiven. There is no blame. In the Toltec wisdom, this is the true forgiveness, knowing there is nothing to forgive.

    “This forgiveness results from a change of the assemblage point away from victim and perpetrator to the eagle’s view of the perfection of the universe. The cleansing power of this truth releases poison from old emotional wounds. When the warrior applies the poultice of self-love to those cleansed wounds, they heal with only the trace of a scar. When someone touches that place, there is no longer a need to protect it, so the warrior can step forward with his arms wide open to embrace the world.”

[willtimeheal]

I have thought about it but it was up to him to find out the type of person  really is. And boy did he find out. I have thought about contacting him and talked to my therapist about it. The only reason I would is to find out when they started talking cuz I know she reached out to him when we were together. It would be just to verify the facts and hear the truth for my own closure. Because  know she lied about the whole relationship with him to me.

[Vatz]

If I'm hearing you correctly goldylamont and OutOfEgypt,

That it is done and over with. It's now nothing more than a lesson learned, and there's no need to still be angry at myself for my mistake because, I'm still alive. She and her replacements have no relevance anymore, they are too far away to matter. Knowing what to look for, and coming out stronger is far more important than self-blame. Not letting someone step on boundaries ever again, but not dwelling on how they were walked over before. Think of it as an update on some software, or an immunity to a particular strain of virus. Her replacements don't matter either because they may as well be worlds away, they don't have any REAL influence on me. As for her, she's gone and not important anymore.

Basically all I could really do now is be okay with myself and who I am and who I want to be. Not focus so much on who I *was* or I'll be stuck there forever. Yeah? Something like this?

[letmeout]

I didn't warn my exBPD's new gf, but her sister messaged me on Face Book asking questions about the lies they caught him telling. I only told her that he has BPD and that is one of the traits. I told her to look BPD up online and it would tell her what other goodies her sister has to look forward to.

side note: she must have read about it because she stopped dating him

As for me, I would want a heads-up since BPD people do not come with a warning label stamped on their foreheads.