What a long strange trip its been (update)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

I haven't been particularly active on the boards for the last few months but was very active on Staying and briefly on Undecided before I asked (read: forced) my uBPD husband out of the house in December.

For those of you who might have wondered what happened, here is brief reminder and an update:

My husband and I have been together for over a decade.  He is uBPD, likely mildly bipolar and mildly OCD and a bit of NPD (BPD is probably the strongest).  He went through some very stressful things in 2005-2008 before we relocated to Canada in 2010.  Once we got here, his behavior got progressively more twisted and both verbally and physically abusive.  I have some really scary stories which I only shared with a few people but made their skin crawl (I am sure that you guys can relate!)  I started to lose myself (just couldn't take living like that anymore) during the Spring of 2013 and found these boards, started to go to therapy, implemented boundaries, and essentially finally learned to stand up to my husband (in the process I also made peace with the fact that I might lose him).  I spent some time in a DV shelter because he had threatened to kill me.  In the late summer we had a violent incident where I told him that he had crossed the last line and if he laid his hands on me again he would go to jail (I also told him that it was time to stop messing around and get help - he did briefly).  In November and December he was breaking doors and generally behaving inappropriately (verbally abusive, not taking responsibility for himself)... . just before Christmas he slammed a car door on me and I told him he had two options 1. move out or 2. spend Christmas in jail.

So that was almost 6 months ago (WOW).  He got sober and has been diligently attending AA meetings.  I still see the mental illness creep in when he is tired but its less severe without him smoking pot all the time.  I see his mentally ill reaction to things and then a few hours to days later he will come back as a sane man (obviously talked to his AA sponsor).  His AA sponsor (only spoken to him once) asked me if I thought my husband suffered from mental health issues and I laughed and sarcastically said "gee, you think?"  The sponsor is now pushing for him to seek regular treatment.

My husband finally got a proper job in February (he had been working in minimum wage jobs that he was overqualified for, for almost 4 years).  I cut him off financially but not emotionally.  I won't let him abuse me but still try to be available.  He lives about 30 minutes down the road and we have settled into a parenting schedule (only defined by us, but I am mellow so it works).  He is actually doing well with our son.  We are legally separated (waiting the 1 year for a divorce) but speak daily for our son.  We did the separation with 1 lawyer and legal fees were minimal.  I explained to the lawyer that we were going to go to great extremes not to trigger him (simple things like booking an appt for him to go in to sign paperwork rather than serving him).  I am sure that she thinks I am crazy but she is an intelligent woman and very level headed and follows my lead with respect to approach.  I know my husband really well and am pretty good at walking AROUND the landmines :D The few people that know 'what was going on in our house' say that they absolutely cannot believe that we have done this without restraining orders and general drama.  Frankly I am proud of my husband.  He realized that I was dead serious about sending him to prison if he messed with me and stopped pushing the envelope.

Life without him is so peaceful, I cannot possibly imagine going back to living with him and battling mental illness everyday.

People who know me say that my face is brighter and I seem to have a spring in my step these days.  I got a promotion at work (one that I could not have managed living with my husband).  Our son is doing better and so are the dogs (I got custody of the dogs )... .

Anyway just wanted to check in

Allibaba

[allibaba]

Hi all,

I haven't been particularly active on the boards for the last few months but was very active on Staying and briefly on Undecided before I asked (read: forced) my uBPD husband out of the house in December.

For those of you who might have wondered what happened, here is brief reminder and an update:

My husband and I have been together for over a decade.  He is uBPD, likely mildly bipolar and mildly OCD and a bit of NPD (BPD is probably the strongest).  He went through some very stressful things in 2005-2008 before we relocated to Canada in 2010.  Once we got here, his behavior got progressively more twisted and both verbally and physically abusive.  I have some really scary stories which I only shared with a few people but made their skin crawl (I am sure that you guys can relate!)  I started to lose myself (just couldn't take living like that anymore) during the Spring of 2013 and found these boards, started to go to therapy, implemented boundaries, and essentially finally learned to stand up to my husband (in the process I also made peace with the fact that I might lose him).  I spent some time in a DV shelter because he had threatened to kill me.  In the late summer we had a violent incident where I told him that he had crossed the last line and if he laid his hands on me again he would go to jail (I also told him that it was time to stop messing around and get help - he did briefly).  In November and December he was breaking doors and generally behaving inappropriately (verbally abusive, not taking responsibility for himself)... . just before Christmas he slammed a car door on me and I told him he had two options 1. move out or 2. spend Christmas in jail.

So that was almost 6 months ago (WOW).  He got sober and has been diligently attending AA meetings.  I still see the mental illness creep in when he is tired but its less severe without him smoking pot all the time.  I see his mentally ill reaction to things and then a few hours to days later he will come back as a sane man (obviously talked to his AA sponsor).  His AA sponsor (only spoken to him once) asked me if I thought my husband suffered from mental health issues and I laughed and sarcastically said "gee, you think?"  The sponsor is now pushing for him to seek regular treatment.

My husband finally got a proper job in February (he had been working in minimum wage jobs that he was overqualified for, for almost 4 years).  I cut him off financially but not emotionally.  I won't let him abuse me but still try to be available.  He lives about 30 minutes down the road and we have settled into a parenting schedule (only defined by us, but I am mellow so it works).  He is actually doing well with our son.  We are legally separated (waiting the 1 year for a divorce) but speak daily for our son.  We did the separation with 1 lawyer and legal fees were minimal.  I explained to the lawyer that we were going to go to great extremes not to trigger him (simple things like booking an appt for him to go in to sign paperwork rather than serving him).  I am sure that she thinks I am crazy but she is an intelligent woman and very level headed and follows my lead with respect to approach.  I know my husband really well and am pretty good at walking AROUND the landmines :D The few people that know 'what was going on in our house' say that they absolutely cannot believe that we have done this without restraining orders and general drama.  Frankly I am proud of my husband.  He realized that I was dead serious about sending him to prison if he messed with me and stopped pushing the envelope.

Life without him is so peaceful, I cannot possibly imagine going back to living with him and battling mental illness everyday.

People who know me say that my face is brighter and I seem to have a spring in my step these days.  I got a promotion at work (one that I could not have managed living with my husband).  Our son is doing better and so are the dogs (I got custody of the dogs )... .

Anyway just wanted to check in

Allibaba

[zaqsert]

Hi Allibaba,

Glad to hear, and thanks for the update!

Zaqsert

[catnap]

I think yours is perhaps one of the best separations that I have ever heard of with a disordered person.  Unfortunately, many folks with BPD never get to this point.  Kudos to your stbxH for taking control of his life. 

[allibaba]

I think that my husband is on the mild side of BPD... . but it took a lot of biting my tongue and swallowing of my ego.  The moments where he baited me and tried to start something... . I took a deep breath and carefully considered whether what I was going to fight over *really* mattered.  I went above and beyond to treat him with respect (even when every bone in my body screamed - you don't deserve this!  You have been horrible to me!)  I also found that by really encouraging him to spend time with our 2 yr old, he stopped using using our son as a weapon against me. 

But most importantly I unemotionally held to my boundaries like I was in the ocean and they were my life jacket.  Things were pretty dicey in December, January and February and a couple of time I thought that the police might end up getting involved.  Unfortunately my husband has a history of violence towards me and I made it clear that I wasn't going to chance me getting hurt again. 

My lawyer spoke to the domestic violence that I had gone to (with my permission) and a lady from the DV shelter came out to my house with the police to do a safety inspection.  The lady from the DV shelter shared with me that they had worked with my lawyer for almost a decade and in those 10 yrs, she has only referred 3 woman back to them for additional safety procedures so they told me not to take her concerns for my safety lightly. 

Frankly I am also surprised that things unraveled as well as they did... . but I sure am grateful.  Bigs propers to my soon to be ex-husband.   I always believed that if I held a hard line on boundaries that we would end up together and happy with a peaceful life.  That wasn't in the cards but I think we are both walking out better people and the person who will benefit the most is our little boy. 

[allibaba]

Of course I still installed an alarm system, changed the locks, and have 9-1-1 on speed dial in the event that he unravels again 

[Grey Kitty]

I gotta say that I'm impressed by both how much well you handled it and how well he is doing (since the split!)

I think what I'm  most impressed with was your ability to simultaneously stick to HARD boundaries and keep yourself safe meanwhile working very hard to be kind and gentle and not trigger you stbexH. I don't know that I've heard of anybody else managing to do that while splitting here!

[momtara]

Just saw this.  Wondered what happened to you!  Does he still want you back? 

Glad the dogs are safe.

[ForeverDad]

Generally the closer you are the worse it gets.  So the opposite ought to be true too, with distance over time you can more easily avoid triggering and experiencing the behaviors.

[allibaba]

Just saw this.  Wondered what happened to you!  Does he still want you back? 

Glad the dogs are safe.

Ha ha!  I am effectively living a normal life (who would have thought?) 

Yes.  He wants me back.  I am hoping that he eventually starts to date and replaces me!  Our anniversary is this week and I suspect that he will be a bit triggered... .we will get through it though.  ForeverDad is right.  The distance is helping a lot.

Dogs are still doing great.  Our son is doing great.

And I got my legal bill for everything $2,900 total Totally awesome.

[Rapt Reader]

I'm really glad to hear your good news, allibaba  

I was thinking about you today (hadn't seen this thread) and was wondering how you were doing.

I'm impressed with your integrity and bravery. I'm glad you are all doing well, and pray that things continue to go in the right direction.

Thanks for the update!

[allibaba]

I'm impressed with your integrity and bravery. I'm glad you are all doing well, and pray that things continue to go in the right direction.

Thanks for the update!

Aw.  Thanks.     This week is an especially hard week (for me even... .a normal (ish) person)... .can't imagine how hard it must be on my husband. 

I find myself carrying a lot of feelings of guilt. 

Leaving him was the right decision (no question)... .if only for our son (LOL and our dogs!).  I also know that I DID EVERYTHING THAT I COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DONE FOR MY HUSBAND.  The boundaries, the radical acceptance, growing up myself... .evolving from a codependent scared girl to a strong, well grounded mother who puts the well being of her family (me and my son and dogs) before my mentally ill husband who has one hell of a self destructive streak!

The guilt comes in that... .I knew something was wrong with my husband when I married him.  Why did I walk into the marriage in the first place.  Was that the wrong decision?  I took my vows seriously.  For better OR WORSE.  Until DEATH do us part.  Problem was that I wasn't willing to expose myself to death to stay in it    My lawyer referred me to the Domestic Violence shelter and local police for a safety assessment of my house after hearing a few of my stories.  The DV counselor stopped me at one point during the review and said... ."listen... .we have known your lawyer for 10 years and in those 10 years... .she has only referred 2 women to us including you.  Think about it and take your safety seriously."

OR MAYBE everyone better off as a result of the journey (including my husband). One of my friends told me to stop beating myself up.  My husband had every opportunity to make the changes that he needed to do and didn't.  He had choices.  Still hard (our 5th wedding anniversary is tomorrow).  Sniffle.

[Grey Kitty]

OR MAYBE everyone better off as a result of the journey (including my husband). One of my friends told me to stop beating myself up.  My husband had every opportunity to make the changes that he needed to do and didn't.  He had choices.  Still hard (our 5th wedding anniversary is tomorrow).  Sniffle.

 Ending things for any reason in any circumstances is hard. This sounds like one of the harder versions.

I have no doubt that you did the best you could do. You know that you, your son, and your dogs are better off now. How much "better" or "worse" your husband is doing is still on him, not on you. I hope he chooses better.

[ForeverDad]

Like you, he is an adult.  Children don't make decisions, they're made for them.  Adults make their own decisions.  You are responsible for yourself and by extension for your minor children, but you're not responsible for him.  Avoid that guilt trip.  After all, you did try, you were in Staying for as long as possible.  Unfortunately he didn't improve and reasonable communication skills, coping skills and boundary skills were not enough to offset that.  "Staying" turned out to be "Staying for Now."

[allibaba]

Children don't make decisions, they're made for them.  Adults make their own decisions.  You are responsible for yourself and by extension for your minor children, but you're not responsible for him.  Avoid that guilt trip. 

I count myself to be blessed to have 2 VERY good, VERY eloquent but VERY honest friends who "held my feet to the fire" with respect to the effect of my husband's behavior on our son.  Those two were so patient while I went through a process of trying everything but eventually very lovingly sat me down and said 'it ends here.  Time to put your son first.' 

They didn't know each other (from different times and aspects of my life) and yet basically decided at the same time (back in December) that enough was enough.  Each of their messages was a little different but effectively the same.  If that isn't a sign... .I don't know what is    (I had dinner with them together in April -- the first time that they met each other and boy did we all have a good laugh/ sigh about what we all went through together)

I know not to beat myself up, but especially passing through this first anniversary 'no longer legally together with my husband' is hard.  I will get through it. 

And... .thank you Grey Kitty 

[momtara]

"The guilt comes in that... .I knew something was wrong with my husband when I married him."

I say this all the time.  Had kids with him, too.  Now he has to be on medication and is a mess.  So I have a lot of guilt.  But I was naive and I did and do love him.  It wasn't like I was trying to hurt him.  Still, I know those feelings.  I was 35 when I met him and felt like I should stop being 'picky' and learn to compromise.

[allibaba]

"The guilt comes in that... .I knew something was wrong with my husband when I married him."

I say this all the time.  Had kids with him, too.  Now he has to be on medication and is a mess.  So I have a lot of guilt.  But I was naive and I did and do love him.  It wasn't like I was trying to hurt him.  Still, I know those feelings.  I was 35 when I met him and felt like I should stop being 'picky' and learn to compromise.

Thanks Momtara.  Nice to know that I am not alone feeling like this

[momtara]

Well, guilt is part of FOG so it's common, but I do feel like I have more guilt because I made things so good for him that it was jarring when he had to leave.  I do still feel bad for him.  He misses his home. 

Are you in your upper 30s/early 40s like me?

[allibaba]

Momtara,

I'm not sure I would take the trip into the 'I made life good for him and then yanked it all away" guilt trap.  The same friends who held my feet to the fire with respect to the effect of my husband's behavior on my son have also taken a firm stance on this type of thinking.  She said "don't you dare feel guilty for giving that man a shot at a better life!"  I know this is true because I walked down the path of NOT enabling him in our marriage for at least 6 months before everything fell apart.  He just chose not to behave in a manner that would allow our marriage to continue!  To his credit he knows this.  

I met my husband when I was 22... .we married when I was 29 and I will turn 35 this year

This last week, I am starting to think that our split was the best thing to ever happen to him.  Its early days though... .so who knows.

[momtara]

If that's your instinct, it's probably right.

35 is pretty young - it's actually a good age to be starting anew, becuase you have relationship experience and you know what you want and don't want.  you could even have another kid someday!

i gave my exH chances, too.  there was even a brief split the year before the final split.  but i took him back without setting boundaries, even when he was imagining things.  i should have been firmer too, but so be it.

[allibaba]

35 is pretty young - it's actually a good age to be starting anew, becuase you have relationship experience and you know what you want and don't want.  you could even have another kid someday!

This is so true.  I know from the bottom of my heart that I won't find my way into a sick relationship again - and if I never find love again (in that context) I am ok with that. 

Funny... .you aren't the first person to say this to me (about kids etc)... .  Have to be honest though... .its pretty much the last thing on my mind.  I feel like a person who made it through a war and now I can't stop smelling the flowers and feeling the sunshine on my face.     Do you feel the same?

[ForeverDad]

Recovery is a process, you'll feel different and have different priorities at different stages, situations and relationships.  You never know... .

[momtara]

I think that's a great way to feel.  I'd be happy to have another kid if I were younger and I didn't have to worry about finances or a nutty ex.  But really, I have 2 and I'm fine with that.  I am not really smelling the flowers because I have to deal with so much with my ex.  Looking forward to that time!  I'm not thinking much about dating, but I do miss adult companionship.  I don't know anyone else in my situation to talk to.