I feel tortured by my BPD wife

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This site is a GODSEND for me. IT is helping me through the toughest period of my life thus far.

I suffer the heart wrenching tongue lashings and general bad treatment of a BPD wife. We have been married 1 year and 4 months and I am frightened as hell. I am losing myself, my energy, my peace and sanity. I wake up every morning with this terrible feeling of dread. Depending on how much optimism I can generate, I go through periods where I think this marriage can survive; mostly and as time goes on, I feel less and less hopeful.

Our story is rare. We met online and had a long distance relationship for two years before we got married. We visited each other often and for long periods of time and yes there were arguments and yes there were red flags. Our love was passionate ( not just sex). We thought we found our soul mate in each other. So we ended up getting married and then started the immigration process which took about 8 months before we could be together. My wife moved here. Its been 4 months. 4 months of HELL. 4 months of nearly daily arguments. She hates it here. She told me that she "loves me less than before". I felt like she murdered my heart. More than once we have "discussed" ( her threatening, me suggesting) her going home. We are both miserable. And then there are times when I try to make it right ( yes I know, Co-D). Date nights. Gifts. I bought her a car. Sweet things I do and say. NOTHING MATTERS. NOTHING is enough. She could care less about our finances, spends most of her "disposable" cash on alcohol ( she won't admit to having a drinking problem... .she just says she's 'british'. She does not trust me. I do not trust her. Life pretty much sucks.

Any time I have any hurt feelings she calls me selfish or dramatic. If I were to cry she leaves the room. I noticed that she does not wear her ring anymore and stupid me went on her facebook page to see that she changed her name back to her maiden name.

So you might wonder why I have not pulled the plug? Part of it is that I love her and want it to work out somehow. The other part is that we have gone through so much to be together. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars keeping this relationship afloat, supported her while she lived in the UK, travelled to the point of exhaustion. My savings are almost depleted. She moved countries for me, left her life and job. That was hard for her. Now she feels stuck.

I am petrified that if I don't get out now, she will drain me completely dry of my self esteem and my money.

I am seeing a therapist. We tried couples but after two times she wouldn't go back.

How do I get the courage to end this and survive the heartbreak? And since she shows my nothing but detachment from our marriage why doesn't she just leave? I think she is perhaps sabotaging things so that I will tell her to go.

She is on a downward spiral. I am worried for her sanity as well as mine. I feel she has to go back to save both of us from ruin.

Please let me know your stories and thoughts. Thanks!

[michel71]

This site is a GODSEND for me. IT is helping me through the toughest period of my life thus far.

I suffer the heart wrenching tongue lashings and general bad treatment of a BPD wife. We have been married 1 year and 4 months and I am frightened as hell. I am losing myself, my energy, my peace and sanity. I wake up every morning with this terrible feeling of dread. Depending on how much optimism I can generate, I go through periods where I think this marriage can survive; mostly and as time goes on, I feel less and less hopeful.

Our story is rare. We met online and had a long distance relationship for two years before we got married. We visited each other often and for long periods of time and yes there were arguments and yes there were red flags. Our love was passionate ( not just sex). We thought we found our soul mate in each other. So we ended up getting married and then started the immigration process which took about 8 months before we could be together. My wife moved here. Its been 4 months. 4 months of HELL. 4 months of nearly daily arguments. She hates it here. She told me that she "loves me less than before". I felt like she murdered my heart. More than once we have "discussed" ( her threatening, me suggesting) her going home. We are both miserable. And then there are times when I try to make it right ( yes I know, Co-D). Date nights. Gifts. I bought her a car. Sweet things I do and say. NOTHING MATTERS. NOTHING is enough. She could care less about our finances, spends most of her "disposable" cash on alcohol ( she won't admit to having a drinking problem... .she just says she's 'british'. She does not trust me. I do not trust her. Life pretty much sucks.

Any time I have any hurt feelings she calls me selfish or dramatic. If I were to cry she leaves the room. I noticed that she does not wear her ring anymore and stupid me went on her facebook page to see that she changed her name back to her maiden name.

So you might wonder why I have not pulled the plug? Part of it is that I love her and want it to work out somehow. The other part is that we have gone through so much to be together. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars keeping this relationship afloat, supported her while she lived in the UK, travelled to the point of exhaustion. My savings are almost depleted. She moved countries for me, left her life and job. That was hard for her. Now she feels stuck.

I am petrified that if I don't get out now, she will drain me completely dry of my self esteem and my money.

I am seeing a therapist. We tried couples but after two times she wouldn't go back.

How do I get the courage to end this and survive the heartbreak? And since she shows my nothing but detachment from our marriage why doesn't she just leave? I think she is perhaps sabotaging things so that I will tell her to go.

She is on a downward spiral. I am worried for her sanity as well as mine. I feel she has to go back to save both of us from ruin.

Please let me know your stories and thoughts. Thanks!

[michel71]

Thanks for your reply T. I said "rare" because of the long distance thing and her being from a different country. You can imagine the mechanics of ending this relationship. I want her to go back to the UK. She misses it. Hates it here. IT is better for her there because of her job. Here it has been an uphill battle to find work. Her son still lives there. Lot's of reasons to go back. It is going to take more $$$$$ to get her back and set up; something I am willing to do but my resources are far more limited now.

I am at the point where I have to tell her to go or I fear that I will become suicidal. I am depressed. Can't function. Can't keep my wits about me. Too many rides on that crazy train of hers.

So how do I tell her? She is going to paint me black anyway so I know it won't go well.

The worst part is that sometimes I look at her and see that person that promised me so much and adored me. It kills me. I can't even imagine the process of seeing her pack up and then leaving.

Should I just leave and come back when she is gone? Should I just leave a note and some money and not even face her? IT's MY HOUSE, by the way. LOL. So do I exit my house, stay elsewhere?

I think the torture is greater if I stay.

Can anybody advise as to a good exit strategy?

Thanks.

[heartandwhole]

Hi michel71,

I'm so sorry that things have spiraled to this point in your relationship.  After all the effort that you have put in to make it work, it's very painful to go through so much conflict and financial stress. Your feelings are really understandable – I know I'd be at my wits end, too. 

I think that looking at leaving as a plan is a wise move.  The first thing I'd recommend is try to tamp down the conflict and arguing if possible.  How are your communication skills?  We have some great tools that can help calm things down, giving you some head space to reflect on your next move.

Here is a link that will be helpful:

Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (3 minute instructional video)

I'm concerned about you, michel71. Do you have a good support system of friends and family?  It's so important to take care of yourself in these kinds of relationships – I really can't stress that enough. It's understandable that your wife is having a difficult time adjusting to her new life in another country, but you can't sacrifice yourself and your life for her.  It won't make her any happier  or better adjusted, and will leave you as a shell of your former self.  That won't help anybody.

Keep going to therapy and don't hesitate to call a local hotline if you are feeling really down.  They are trained to deal with situations exactly like yours and will have resources that can help.  Does your therapist have experience with BPD? 

I know it's hard, and you can get through this. Keep writing, we're here for you.

heartandwhole   

[Recooperating]

Hi Michel71,

Wow, this struck a cord! This is reading how my life would have been if I had gone through with it!

I too was in a long distance relationship, an ocean between us! We were to get married 3 weeks from now for the immigration process. I (not WE ofcourse) spent soo much money on this process and on trip to go see each other. But the life I had long distance was already unbarable, so I pulled the plug last week. Feeling extreme guilt about letting him down.

He was possesive, i had to talk to him on skype at least 10 hrs a day, he was putting me down every other day in extreme rages, cheating, manipulating, lied about everything. He often threathed to kill himself. He black painted my friends and family and tried to isolate me from everyone. (He thought I was having a lesbian affair with my best friend and emailed her in the worst way... .Thank god my friends knew better) He would always throw in my face how HE did everything to move here... .(Like I wasnt). On the last trip there we got into a physical fight, he was holding a knife to "kill himself" (he wouldnt, he's narcissistic too). We fought for the knife, the. He took his belt to hang himself, he took tiewraps to suffocate himself and when I got that away crom him he put a plastic bag over his head. We fought and I ended up flying through the room... .

I was brused all over... .We also had very very good times btw, but most of it was hell.

This was the life I was signing up for... .Back home I spoke to my sis, she had worked with battered women and said "if you want to do this, you need a safety plan!"

She suggested to have a bag of clothes in my car always. To tell a friend about the situation and ask if things go bad, I could go there. To put the most important papers (bankstatement, passport, marriagelicense, etc in a safe place so it would be reachable.

She also adviced me to document everything, from arguments to fights... .Record it, safe the mails and text messages and to not incriminate myself by texting nasty things back.

She said, its your house, but your safety and sanity should always come first... .F*ck the house!

I too am in great financial problems cause I paid for his life there too. So be it, its just money. My health is more important! I would always think, what if he's here... .How will I get him out if things dont change? I would feel soo bad to kick him out, while he moved here for me!

But you know what... .No matter what they did to be with us... .There is NO EXCUSE to treat us like this. NO EXCUSE! Dont feel sorry for her, she has a choice to treat you like this. Even if she is BPD, she can get help. She made a choice to move to you... .It was a risk, but she knew about the consequences if it didnt work out! Its not only your responsibility!

Now as far as I know, if you file for divorce, her permit will end and she'll have to get back? Those are the rules here anyway. Inform yourself on how to go about this. Talk to authorities, lawyers, gather all your information and then make a plan and a choice! Maybe you shouldnt leave right away, get your ducks in a row first (without her knowing) so you can do this in a safe way! If things get too bad, get out of the house, stay with a friend for a couple of days!

As far as the opinion of others... .Who cares! I am painted blacker too for leaving him 3 weeks before the wedding and after all the plans we made! I dont care anymore! They can all think what they want. They havent walked in my shoes. My friend and family support me, thats all I need.

Good luck, stay strong! Remember it is never wrong to choose YOU! You both took a risk moving, it didnt work out... .Sh*t happens. You both knew that was a possibility. Dont feel guilty! It takes two to make it work... .She didnt do her part!

Stay strong!

[michel71]

Hi michel71,

I'm so sorry that things have spiraled to this point in your relationship.  After all the effort that you have put in to make it work, it's very painful to go through so much conflict and financial stress. Your feelings are really understandable – I know I'd be at my wits end, too. 

I think that looking at leaving as a plan is a wise move.  The first thing I'd recommend is try to tamp down the conflict and arguing if possible.  How are your communication skills?  We have some great tools that can help calm things down, giving you some head space to reflect on your next move.

Here is a link that will be helpful:

Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (3 minute instructional video)

I'm concerned about you, michel71. Do you have a good support system of friends and family?  It's so important to take care of yourself in these kinds of relationships – I really can't stress that enough. It's understandable that your wife is having a difficult time adjusting to her new life in another country, but you can't sacrifice yourself and your life for her.  It won't make her any happier  or better adjusted, and will leave you as a shell of your former self.  That won't help anybody.

Keep going to therapy and don't hesitate to call a local hotline if you are feeling really down.  They are trained to deal with situations exactly like yours and will have resources that can help.  Does your therapist have experience with BPD? 

I know it's hard, and you can get through this. Keep writing, we're here for you.

heartandwhole   

THank you Heart. I luckily have a good support system. I think I torture myself more than she does at times as I ruminate over everything constantly. I can't seem to change my focus. It always goes back to how miserable my relationship is and how I am dreading the talk of ending it. In my mind I know its necessary. My heart is screaming for it not to and longs for the old her, the one that made me all those promises and loved me so deeply. I had a little melt down yesterday. I sat in my closet (its a walk in at least) and just sobbed and repeated over and over again " I miss you". I was talking to the old her.

[michel71]

Hi Michel71,

Wow, this struck a cord! This is reading how my life would have been if I had gone through with it!

I too was in a long distance relationship, an ocean between us! We were to get married 3 weeks from now for the immigration process. I (not WE ofcourse) spent soo much money on this process and on trip to go see each other. But the life I had long distance was already unbarable, so I pulled the plug last week. Feeling extreme guilt about letting him down.

He was possesive, i had to talk to him on skype at least 10 hrs a day, he was putting me down every other day in extreme rages, cheating, manipulating, lied about everything. He often threathed to kill himself. He black painted my friends and family and tried to isolate me from everyone. (He thought I was having a lesbian affair with my best friend and emailed her in the worst way... .Thank god my friends knew better) He would always throw in my face how HE did everything to move here... .(Like I wasnt). On the last trip there we got into a physical fight, he was holding a knife to "kill himself" (he wouldnt, he's narcissistic too). We fought for the knife, the. He took his belt to hang himself, he took tiewraps to suffocate himself and when I got that away crom him he put a plastic bag over his head. We fought and I ended up flying through the room... .

I was brused all over... .We also had very very good times btw, but most of it was hell.

This was the life I was signing up for... .Back home I spoke to my sis, she had worked with battered women and said "if you want to do this, you need a safety plan!"

She suggested to have a bag of clothes in my car always. To tell a friend about the situation and ask if things go bad, I could go there. To put the most important papers (bankstatement, passport, marriagelicense, etc in a safe place so it would be reachable.

She also adviced me to document everything, from arguments to fights... .Record it, safe the mails and text messages and to not incriminate myself by texting nasty things back.

She said, its your house, but your safety and sanity should always come first... .F*ck the house!

I too am in great financial problems cause I paid for his life there too. So be it, its just money. My health is more important! I would always think, what if he's here... .How will I get him out if things dont change? I would feel soo bad to kick him out, while he moved here for me!

But you know what... .No matter what they did to be with us... .There is NO EXCUSE to treat us like this. NO EXCUSE! Dont feel sorry for her, she has a choice to treat you like this. Even if she is BPD, she can get help. She made a choice to move to you... .It was a risk, but she knew about the consequences if it didnt work out! Its not only your responsibility!

Now as far as I know, if you file for divorce, her permit will end and she'll have to get back? Those are the rules here anyway. Inform yourself on how to go about this. Talk to authorities, lawyers, gather all your information and then make a plan and a choice! Maybe you shouldnt leave right away, get your ducks in a row first (without her knowing) so you can do this in a safe way! If things get too bad, get out of the house, stay with a friend for a couple of days!

As far as the opinion of others... .Who cares! I am painted blacker too for leaving him 3 weeks before the wedding and after all the plans we made! I dont care anymore! They can all think what they want. They havent walked in my shoes. My friend and family support me, thats all I need.

Good luck, stay strong! Remember it is never wrong to choose YOU! You both took a risk moving, it didnt work out... .Sh*t happens. You both knew that was a possibility. Dont feel guilty! It takes two to make it work... .She didnt do her part!

Stay strong!

Wow. Your situation sounded very very bad. No offense but your ex BPD sounds like a complete psycho and a dangerous person.Thank God you had the guts to get out of it and who cares that it was three weeks before the wedding. YOU DID IT! YOU SAVED YOURSELF! I wonder, what was the breaking point for you? Was it the physical thing? Luckily mine has not been physical, although a few times she got in my face and then once she put her hands hard on my shoulders and told me that I am" going to regret saying that". I did feel very uneasy about that.

Mine is not possessive nor a cheater, just a crazy making, rageful BPD who is selfish and cares little about my feelings, needs and finances. She has an extreme sense of entitlement which makes me think that she has NPD as well. I could be crying and imploring her to listen or need her comfort for something and she will walk away. The nicest thing she has done for me in 4 months of her living here is bring me a piece of cake after her and her daughter had a meal out; this meal being exclusive of myself and my daughter, on purpose and out of spite since I had been emotional. On another occasion she went to the post office for me. While my daughter has been visiting ( I share custody with my ex) she has taken good care of her, entertained her and for that I am grateful so yes, that generosity benefited me as well.

Thank you for your suggestions on documenting things. You and so many others that have responded have suggested this. And recording some outbursts. I can remember every single incident like it was yesterday but I am going to document it anyway with dates.

I am on the fence about leaving my own house. Another poster said it might be abandonment. I don't want it to look like that for sure. I just may have to steel myself, hunker down and go through the drama of it all. And I am exhausted about the drama that has happened and the drama that is always lurking around the corner.

She has a temporary green card which lasts two years. If I do not petition for her permanent green card she may be deported ; HOWEVER, she could, on her own, make a case for her to stay. I don't think she would stay. I think she would go back, the question is how much is it going to cost ( probably more than I want it to) and is it going to be protracted. She once told me that she wasn't going to move back UNTIL she found a job and a place. She is a nurse so that shouldn't be a problem but you never know.

You are right. I shouldn't feel guilty. SHE DID NOTHING to make it work. Wouldn't clean the house. Recently she won't even do the dishes, clean up after her daughter or pick up the occasional poo that my dog does in the house. She will step over it. One time she just threw tissue paper over it. Then she has stopped wearing her ring and changed her facebook page back to her former name. All this plus her declaration two weeks ago that she loves me "less" and is certainly showing it and I AM THE ONE WHO FEELS GUILTY like I am abandoning her.

Your insight and that of the other posters is what keeps me level. And I take it hour by hour at this point.

[stuckgirl]

This site is a GODSEND for me. IT is helping me through the toughest period of my life thus far.

I suffer the heart wrenching tongue lashings and general bad treatment of a BPD wife. We have been married 1 year and 4 months and I am frightened as hell. I am losing myself, my energy, my peace and sanity. I wake up every morning with this terrible feeling of dread. Depending on how much optimism I can generate, I go through periods where I think this marriage can survive; mostly and as time goes on, I feel less and less hopeful.

Our story is rare. We met online and had a long distance relationship for two years before we got married. We visited each other often and for long periods of time and yes there were arguments and yes there were red flags. Our love was passionate ( not just sex). We thought we found our soul mate in each other. So we ended up getting married and then started the immigration process which took about 8 months before we could be together. My wife moved here. Its been 4 months. 4 months of HELL. 4 months of nearly daily arguments. She hates it here. She told me that she "loves me less than before". I felt like she murdered my heart. More than once we have "discussed" ( her threatening, me suggesting) her going home. We are both miserable. And then there are times when I try to make it right ( yes I know, Co-D). Date nights. Gifts. I bought her a car. Sweet things I do and say. NOTHING MATTERS. NOTHING is enough. She could care less about our finances, spends most of her "disposable" cash on alcohol ( she won't admit to having a drinking problem... .she just says she's 'british'. She does not trust me. I do not trust her. Life pretty much sucks.

Any time I have any hurt feelings she calls me selfish or dramatic. If I were to cry she leaves the room. I noticed that she does not wear her ring anymore and stupid me went on her facebook page to see that she changed her name back to her maiden name.

So you might wonder why I have not pulled the plug? Part of it is that I love her and want it to work out somehow. The other part is that we have gone through so much to be together. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars keeping this relationship afloat, supported her while she lived in the UK, travelled to the point of exhaustion. My savings are almost depleted. She moved countries for me, left her life and job. That was hard for her. Now she feels stuck.

I am petrified that if I don't get out now, she will drain me completely dry of my self esteem and my money.

I am seeing a therapist. We tried couples but after two times she wouldn't go back.

How do I get the courage to end this and survive the heartbreak? And since she shows my nothing but detachment from our marriage why doesn't she just leave? I think she is perhaps sabotaging things so that I will tell her to go.

She is on a downward spiral. I am worried for her sanity as well as mine. I feel she has to go back to save both of us from ruin.

Please let me know your stories and thoughts. Thanks!

Hi michel71,

I'm so sorry that things have spiraled to this point in your relationship.  After all the effort that you have put in to make it work, it's very painful to go through so much conflict and financial stress. Your feelings are really understandable – I know I'd be at my wits end, too. 

I think that looking at leaving as a plan is a wise move.  The first thing I'd recommend is try to tamp down the conflict and arguing if possible.  How are your communication skills?  We have some great tools that can help calm things down, giving you some head space to reflect on your next move.

Here is a link that will be helpful:

Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (3 minute instructional video)

I'm concerned about you, michel71. Do you have a good support system of friends and family?  It's so important to take care of yourself in these kinds of relationships – I really can't stress that enough. It's understandable that your wife is having a difficult time adjusting to her new life in another country, but you can't sacrifice yourself and your life for her.  It won't make her any happier  or better adjusted, and will leave you as a shell of your former self.  That won't help anybody.

Keep going to therapy and don't hesitate to call a local hotline if you are feeling really down.  They are trained to deal with situations exactly like yours and will have resources that can help.  Does your therapist have experience with BPD? 

I know it's hard, and you can get through this. Keep writing, we're here for you.

heartandwhole   

i agree with whats said,michel71,please dont think you're alone,most of the people here really do go through something very similar,i mean the happiness or closeness of the r/s disintegrates after the 'honeymoon

phase' is over

what happened to you happened to me too,my SO loved me,now im the reason he's miserable and in a way is stuck with me,i often feel he'd be happier if i let him go.

do you think your SO would be happier if you let her?

i wish you'd take are of yourself first,i know how paralyzing it is to worry and expect a fight (that almost always comes) but there are very useful tips here about how to avoid constant confrontation.you can validate what she says,make her feel you understand what she means,and not argue,even if you're not agreeing completely.im saying 'to not to argue' because it leads nowhere in a r/s with a pwBPD. most people follow a general tip that really works .it is not JADEing- which means justify,argue,defend,explain (last i remember) because by doing any of these things a person with BPD will be convinced that you have hurt her/him, you are to blame and are trying to make excuses.following this rule keeps it neutral and lets the other person know that you will not react to abuse,which will stop the fights,arguments and abuse.believe me it improves the constant fighting gradually and surprisingly well (say a few weeks and a person starts noticing a difference)

its a good thing you're going to therapy,but if you do these things (which is the most you can do) and things dont inprove,you need to ask if you want to spend the rest of your life like this,believing youre making your SO' miserable (trust me youre not making her miserable,not your fault she's unhealthy) and being miserable yourself,dont lose your self esteem to a dysfunctional r/s.take some time for yourself,spend time with friends,look after yourself first,and hopefully you'll realize its not you and its not your fault,wish you the best. 

we're here for you.

[Recooperating]

Hi Michel71,

You asked me what my breaking point was... .It wasnt the physicall thing. It was the constant feeling of fear for another anger outburst. Constantly walking on eggshells, adapting my whole life to his demands and nonsense and it still not being good enough.

Never a quiet moment, never able to just chill and relax, always having to give, give, give... .Never being at the receiving end. I ended up burn out, unable to function at work, got depressed, all the stress had lead to anxiety and heart problems... .I am on sick leave now for over 6 weeks... .But since I left and have t had contact for 5 days... .I already feel so much better!

The final straw was a stupid argument. The skype connection dropped... .I called back but he didnt answer. He thought I had hung up and send me 75 messages in 1,5 hrs telling I wanted him dead, i didnt love him, i wouldnt morn for an hour if he would die etc etc.

Normal people would ask "hey, what happened?" He ofcourse went on a rage... .I couldnt do it anymore! I had adjusted everything in my life to fit his needs... .I cant control a skype connection... .I realized nothing I did would ever be enough for him... .

About leaving the house and abandonment issues... .If you feel the need to take a break... .Take one! A marriage is comprimising, but its also your job as a parent and to yourself to keep sane! Its the way you leave which makes the difference. Communicate that you are not leaving her, tell her when you will be back (and stick to that), tell her nice and calm but firm.

Isnt it weird that you cant care for yourself bc she would flip out? Start thinking about your own needs too!

Good luck Michel71, and keep venting here! It really helps and we've all been there! It has helped me a lot to tell me story and find people that know exactly how I feel!

Take care!