20yrDD BPD not in treatment/Christian/no contact/HOPE?

[Kimmom]

Hi I am new... .I have lots of questions.  My daughter is 20 years old and we haven't had any contact with her in almost two years.  She was in treatment while she was going to HS and living at home.  She moved across country to go to a very strict Christian college.  The only bad thing is they don't recommend mental health.  I'm a Christian, but I still think there are needs for Mental Health. (Her BPD caused her to get kicked out of that college... .but she blames us.)  She stopped going but didn't stop her medication as far as I know.  SO her BPD is not under control.  She has had four car accidents in 18 months - two cars totaled.  She also over eats, now weighting over 300lbs.  (Some of her friends keep me up to date on little things about her.)  Is there hope for reconnection? What should I be doing to help this relationship?  I have been sending emails but never get a response.  Through her eyes, we are the enemy... .  she has told so many lies about us... .  I don't see how we could be a part of her life. 

Distraught and Heart Broken

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello Kinmom

I know how upsetting this kind of situation can be.

I had a brief period of NC with my daughter and found Valerie Porr's book "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" very helpful as it has a section on trying to mend a broken relationship.

I have lent out my copy so can't give you references but there is a statement in the book acknowledging our own failings(without apologising for things we did not do) which is often very healing and sometimes opens the door to communication.

E-mail or a letter is often the best first approach as it slows everything down.

Just to warn you the first reply I had was full of anger but we did make progress

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Kimmom & I'd like to join lever in welcoming you to this site. Several of us on this site--including me--have benefitted from using this "letter" (mentioned by lever) from Valerie Porr's "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" book. I've used it with my Daughter-In-Law (and the first time didn't "work", like lever experienced too). It's found on page 331, and she calls it an "Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration":

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

I've actually sent this exact letter in an email, with my Daughter-In-Law's name here and there, with some specific S.E.T. (TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth) mentions of a few of her grievances before the statement. I didn't go into all of them, but pinpointed the ones that I knew were at the crux of her angst. Then I acknowledged how she felt about each matter, told her that if I looked at it the way she did--or if I thought someone was doing that to me--I would feel the same way that she did. And then I mentioned the truth of the situation, not using the words "but" or "however" (which can be tricky; I had to be inventive   ).

The first time I sent this type of email with this statement above (in bold here), it was to both my son and my D-I-L because he was supporting her No Contact and threats of not letting us see their child once he was born. After that 1st email, my son came around and began communicating with us again, in a very good way. A few months later, I sent the above statement (exactly as written, with her name here and there to personalize it), using S.E.T. in the email for her grievances. At that time, she softened and even became warm with us, and things have been very good ever since.  Can you let us know more about how things are going, and what you were thinking of doing about it? We'd love to help you 

[Kimmom]

Rapt Reader~

Thank you!  I have been learning so much from this board!  This has been such a roller coaster ride the last five years.  One day when she was 16 we got a call out of the blue from the mental hospital saying she was being hospitalized for suicide thoughts.  During the next couple of months we learned how she had involved a band teacher, a counselor, a parent, and some of her friends into this chaos.  She had been cutting herself and telling everyone we were abusive.  Instead of involving Social Services and finding out if it was the truth, they took her word for it.  She had been doing this for 5 months before she was hospitalized.  We ended up getting a lawyer for the school's mishandling of the affair.  We ended up not pressing it because a Counselor, that the kids liked, was fired for her actions.  My DD friend's started turning on her too when they began to understand that she had been lying.  We, as her parents, didn't want to make matters worse for her at school.  We allowed her to take summer courses to graduate a year early.

The next year she went to college across country to a strict Christian college.  We thought that would be a great place for her to be.  Unfortunately her lies about us grew with intensity. She had been telling the college we didn't care about her or support her.  We didn't want her to go to a Christian college and we weren't financially helping her.  We had paid all her bills during her first year of college because she was only 17.  That summer we had bought her a new computer for her birthday.  When she went back to school we were going to clean the hard drive and sell her old computer.  We then began to see how bad the stories truly were.

When she was in 6th grade she was diagnosis with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Over the years several other doctors have told her it was a wrong diagnosis.  She clings to the diagnosis of JRA and insists on wearing braces on her wrists and ankles even though nothing has been found wrong with them.  That is where the Attention part of her BPD comes in. 

The second year of college she hit a car pulling into a parking space.  Just a month or so later she got in a car accident.  She told us the other car had hit her.  She has been in two other car accidents both totaling the car in less than a year period.  That's her Reckless driving part of her illness.

Basically I called the college during her second year.  They found out I wasn't this terrible mom.  They called my local Social Services (my DD said we had a huge file) and found out there was NOT a case nor a CALL against myself or my husband.  They started putting two and two together.  They told me my DD had hit and ran on the car accident at college.  When she got back they tried to get her in counseling to work on our relationship.  It didn't work because they were not trained in this field.  They told her she was not following God's way and she was asked to leave.  She was also not taking care of her personal hygiene. (When she was at home and I would try to get her to care about herself, she said I was attacking her.)

I'm also worried about her weight.  My husband's mom died when he was a teen from diabetes.  My daughter's weight has significantly increase to over 300lbs.

Once she was kicked out of college and we stopped financially supporting her she has refused any contact with us.  I know there is so much I am omitting.

My husband and I have a son who just came out gay last year. We don't have any extended family and she has rejected him.  I just really want my family back.