Any tricks you recommend for the holiday?

[bluebell7]

Are there any skills/strategies you use to reduce stress for the holidays?

Anything you've figured out to reduce stress for yourself... .or the family.

Thought it would be helpful if we could share.

My BPD becomes overwhelmed and disappointed at different points during the holidays.

Its difficult for her to cope when the extended family comes to town and that adds to her stress.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

I LOVE the holidays    and thus have developed some strategies to preserve these special times.

As regards my BPDSD22, I simply have learned to have as few expectations of her as possible. We have boundaries (she has to come to our home without an entourage) in place and whether she participates or not isn't a deal breaker. I try to make my invitation welcoming but the day isn't all about her.

Last year, instead of making a big meal on Christmas day, I ordered Tamales from my homeland (Texas) and heated them in the microwave. I've found out nobody really cares what we have to eat as long as its good and there is something special about it.

I love baking cookies- have a tradition of decorating plain cookie cutter shaped cookies with colorful icing- so I make sure to save an entire day for this activity. We order a pizza to be delivered to avoid having to use the kitchen for anything but the baking project.

I do a lot of shopping online. I buy gift cards for people so they can take advantage of the after Christmas sales. I also shop all year long so as to avoid the stress of holiday shopping. I am almost done with my shopping and I haven't gone into a single store. I will pay extra to have something gift wrapped and shipped- I'm sending someone from out of town something that cost about 30.00 that is perishable. It costs 15.00 to have it wrapped and shipped and that does sound like a lot but think of it- they have a special way to ship so that it doesn't arrive spoiled so not only do I not have to spend the time to wrap it and stand in line at the post office I also don't have to waste time purchasing special stuff for shipping and the expense of the shipping plus the packing materials. Suddenly, 15.00 doesn't seem so extravagant.

I try to chose activities that everyone loves so there is no tension about someone doing something they don't want to do just to be with the family. We go see the "best" holiday light displays in our area. I bring a thermos of hot cider and a tin of cookies and bust it out about mid-way through the trip. We play the Charlie Brown Christmas music on the CD player. Sweet!

Since we are a blended family, I've tried to start new traditions instead of trying to hold onto what we don't have anymore.

Happy Holidays!

Thursday

[Gidget]

Hi to Everyone and May your Holiday's be filled with Peace Love and Sanity.

This will be the 3rd year without my daughter and the kids at my home for Christmas because my daughter and I are barely speaking. The last two Christmas's were a pretty depressing time. This year I find myself a lot less depressed and probably a lot more resigned to the fact that this is how things will be until we heal from the hurts from us all. Although I will be having my grandchildren on the 23rd for the day and overnight I am concentrating on the time and fun with them instead of the problems with my daughter.

I to this year have decided to scale down all that I did in the past all the shopping and running around trying to make sure everyone had everything they wanted from Santa. My 2 grandchildren do not believe in him anymore and the 4 year old does.

Because of all the stress this situation has caused me I decided this year for once in my life I will take care of me. My 2 older grandchildren will be getting gift cards with of course a couple of things to open when there are here, wouldn't be Christmas without something to open. The 4year old also got a gift card with more to open because he still believes in Santa.

I am actually shocked that for the first time I feel no guilt. I think I am actually learning how to take care of me instead of everyone one else.

I always said to my husband that the only thing I wanted for Christmas was Peace in my home. This year I will have it. Not walking on eggshells worrying if I said the wrong thing to my daughter never realized how this totally took a toll on my life.

I will pray that next year we may all be together again that being on this board will help me gain the knowledge to help me have a better relationship with my daughter and more understanding of her.

I will also pray for my husband her Step Dad to also understand that what she did to him was not personal

Prays to All on here that your Holidays are filled with Peace, Love and Joy

[muffetbuffet]

Gidget,  We too have scaled down Christmas at our house this year and it has been ok.  Our oldest child moved out of state in August because of a job and his own apartment.  All is good on that situation, but sure do miss him.  DD is still at home and she continues to have her ups and downs on a daily basis.  Husband and I decided that all of the decorating was just not worth it this year.  DD could care less and son will not be able to be home for the holidays.  We did put up a small tree and for us that is ok.  Most shopping is done (a good bit done online!). We will be home on Christmas Day most likely just husband and I.  I am sure that DD will ask to head to boyfriend's house.  Husband's family lives out of state and we spent Thanksgiving with them.  My family gets together on the weekend between Christmas and New Years due to work and travel schedules (plus little ones that need to be home on Christmas morning  ).  It is hard to take the time for ourselves, but is so needed.  At first I was upset about dd asking to spend the holiday with the boyfriend, but making her stay home just ruins the day for us.  She does not want to be here and would just make it a horrible day.  She knows that the expectation is that she will attend the family get together on Saturday following Christmas and for me that is more important than her being home on Christmas Day.  Just have to find what works best for everyone involved and sometimes that means creating new traditions. 

[Gidget]

Hi Bluebell,

I try to meditate, I meditated for years then got away from it I am starting to get back to doing it more often. I found  it to be a great way to reduce my stress.

Wishing you a great Holiday.

[Gidget]

Hi MuffetBuffet,

It will just me and husband on Xmas by ourselves. I think your right making your daughter stay home will probably just make things pretty tense if she couldn't be with her boyfriend. I will be having my grandchildren on Sunday overnight and Monday for Christmas. I hate giving the kids their gifts before Xmas. I told them 2years in a row I would rather have them after Christmas then before. Again they did it this year again. I decided not worth the fuss of telling them again that this bothers me. 2 don't believe in Santa the 4year still does. I decided fine I will see them before. I guess it is just not worth getting upset over this. I realize it could be worse there are parents here that don't even get to see their grandchildren and that would truly destroy me.

I am just finishing up wrapping the presents and today I will be at my grandson's Christmas Chorus, it is always tough because when I see my Son-In-Law's family there I feel like a outcast now and a horrible person. I know they don't have a clue about what I have gone thru with my daughter and the things she has done to me. So this is pretty stressful. I think this time it is not bothering me as much what they think. I will let you know if I did keep my head up as I swore I would after the morning is over. I am trying to believe in myself more and not let what they think get to me. We were always around them since they were married.

They were the Perfect family in my daughter's eyes when she met her husband. The family she looked for Mom and Dad and just perfect. Not what she had no father.

I don't believe there is any perfect family I think every family has issues to a degree some just let it be known more than the other. I felt for a long time I didn't match up to them and what they had because It was just me and her since she was 2 until 14. I couldn't give her the perfect family.

Oh well will enjoy the concert and the kids on Sunday and hope for a better New Year and pray for healing between us.

Have a wonderful Holiday both you and your husband

[muffetbuffet]

Gidget... .Hope you and your family also have a peaceful and joyous holiday season. 

[mggt]

Hope we all have a peaceful christmas and cheers to us        mggt (nana and mom)