Waiting For "IT" To Happen...

[radioguitarguy]

Our ds29 is 29, smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day, eats a box of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch a day and maybe a gallon of milk and smokes a good amount of pot. He goes with the processed food because it's, "just easier." He's been passing out and/or falling asleep when he's standing up and sometimes falls down. He's hurt himself a couple of times when he crashes into some object. He got himself to the hospital ER where they told him he wasn't getting enough oxygen into his lungs. He also weighs in at about 330. They wrote him scripts for an inhaler, prednisone, and an inner ear infection and told him he had the lungs of a 65 year old.

He was pretty freaked out about the oxygen thing and proclaimed he needs to cut way down on his smoking... .YOU THINK! Well, that lasted a couple of days. He's been falling down again and whenever he tells us, his mom, who's an RN, attempts to advise him on what he might want to do. At that point he gets defensive and angry that "we think we know everything and don't tell me what to do!" This is going to sound insensitive and morbid but his mom and I are expecting to come home one evening or wake up in the morning and find him unconscious on the garage floor. If he doesn't do "something" he's going to die. I don't know how else to put it. We've tried and tried to help him with validation, suggestions, advice, etc. He wants none of it. Because he's on Medicaid, he gets free health care. So what do you think... .maybe he wants to die. He has soo many issues tied to his BPD... .heroin(currently on methadone), pot, ciggs, food... .We are so saddened and emotionally spent watching this happen.  How in God's name can a parent get emotionally prepared for what might happen sooner rather than later.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

radioguitarguy

It is hard to see our loves ones destroy themsevles with poor eating habits, smoking etc... .I want to point something out here... .I feel this way about my father... .he is not mentally ill but he is over weight and does eat properly... he has heart problems etc... .I think it is very hard to try to change people and I think it is extra hard to change those with a mental illness.

Let it go... .accept it... .try to provide opportunities for him to eat better or quit smoking etc but realize that his life is his own and he is free to do what he wants with it. I am sad to hear your story but know that you have done everything you can for your son and it is time he does for himself now. I don't know what it takes for people to change and take care of themselves but that can't come from you... .that comes from him... .

[vivekananda]

Hi RGG,

You sound so sad in your post. I am hoping that with the passing of a few days that your sense of hopelessness has passed a little. While it seems like nothing to those of us who want to 'do something', just being there for our adult children who are unable to help themselves adequately, is probably all we can do. You are doing all you can it seems to me.

How do we prepare for what seems inevitable? We live with our grief. We face what it is and continue to live the best life we can for those we love. Ultimately all we parents have to let our children go, it's just the lucky ones get to have a relationship with their children and watch them have productive lives. Those two last bits are about our emotional needs. We want to have a sound and happy relationship with our children and that is an expression of our needs. We want to see them live healthy productive, good lives - again this is an expression of our needs.

Ultimately I think and would like to suggest to you, we need to learn how to meet our own needs. This I don't think is callous, I don't think this is abandoning our children. It is about being the best person we can be for them. That it seems to me is how we prepare for whatever comes.

RGG, I am so sorry things are so hard for you and your dw, it is such a hard place where you are at. You are not alone though. I hope you can see that.

Vivek

[radioguitarguy]

Thanks Vivek, your words were oh so true. Even though our ds still lives with us, he doesn't demand much of our time. He knows we're there if he happens to need some emotional support or advice. As most of us know, sometimes the sadness of their situation brings us down into a nasty funk. We may throw a pity party for ourselves every once in awhile but with the support of our family here at bpdfamily and our friends and family at home, we move on and try to be strong for our BP kids.

A couple of days after I wrote my most recent post, he fell asleep standing up, yet again, and took a header down 5 stairs and broke his shoulder. Thank God for Medicaid! He has appointments with a neurologist and pulmonologist over the next couple of weeks. We don't know if this has anything to do with BPD or meds but until he gets some answers, wouldn't you think that if you're falling asleep standing up, you might want to avoid standing around at the top of stairs or in a garage with a cement floor? Just sayin'... .

RGG