a mother is only as happy quote

[twojaybirds]

A mother is only as happy as her saddest child

This quote seems to appear here on and off.  I believe it was first attributed to Jackie Kennedy.

While at first I believed this I no longer will accept it nor take it in as part of my belief system. 

I gave my dd 18 years of 'everything' I had to give, sacrificing much of me.  I did this because I believe it is a parent's responsibility stemming from love. I regret none of it.

It is no one's 'fault' she has BPD.  Yes I wish she were happier, made better decisions, had stronger friendships, went to see a T however my mother wished that I was not a single parent because of the added stress  knowing there were times I was unhappy being alone.  However, I never wanted my mom's happiness to be dependent upon my happiness or decisions.  (And she had 4 kids so there was always someone going through something). 

I will not spend my life unhappy when my dd is in turmoil.  I will set the example for her and show empathy with boundaries, show that I can have control of  my emotions (while caring) without taking on everyone's problems, without enabling.

It is not always easy but does become easier every day.

I am 54 and my dd is 19.  I want to find all the pleasures I can from life, to enjoy it, reclaim some of what I gave-up or set aside to raise her and let her see someone in her life who loves her who knows how to live a full satisfying life. She has enough 'friends' who are unhealthy, In her moments of clarity I want her to think of me as happy so she might one day be able to emulate it in her life.

It doesn't mean I don't care or even cry when I think of her but I will not base my happiness scale with hers.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

I will not spend my life unhappy when my dd is in turmoil.  I will set the example for her and show empathy with boundaries, show that I can have control of  my emotions (while caring) without taking on everyone's problems, without enabling.

Being strong, healthy and happy not only models good life-skills, it also makes us better able to help our children and support them.

[Fay]

Thank you twojaybirds.

This post was wonderful.  I am relearning to be happy again.  What good does it do anyone? 

Happiness to you,

Fay

[vivekananda]

2Jbirds   

I am told that happiness can be achieve even in the face of great sorrow... . it is an intrinsic happiness the formula for which is mindfulness (acceptance + detachment/letting go of ego + being open to the universal positive energy) + compassion (incl self compassion) and a value defined purpose in life. Those concepts may be defined differently by different people but the concepts remain basically the same.

So, to find intrinsic happiness (as compared with superficial happiness which is short term and dependent upon others) comes from within ourselves. It gives us the strength to live our lives to the fullest regardless of hardships we encounter.

I aim for happiness.

Vivek    

[lbjnltx]

To have concern and empathy for our children is natural... . to be consumed by their troubles is unhealthy.  "Co dependent" is a term that comes to mind.

You are correct 2jb... . we are to be a living example of what we hope for our children.

I will submit for consideration the difference between "happiness" and "joy".  Happiness is fleeting and often situational.  Joy is intrinsic and a core state of being based on truths and belief systems that do not change.

[jellibeans]

great post 2jb... . yes I do think it is important to be a living example to our children... . show them how to be happy and how to face problems etc... . great post