No contact/different state

[Kimmom]

BPD has taken my dd away from me.  I've had no contact with her for over 1 1/2 years.  She moved across country to go to college and now lives there.  A couple of people on her Facebook page will let me know when something bad happens, but that's about it. To be honest we never had the correct tools to deal with her.  As I read about how I should have talked to her, I realize I was wrong.  It has been really hard on me and I went into a deep depression.  My dh is tired of it and doesn't want to talk about it.  He thinks she'll grow out of it.  My ds is so mad at her for causing me so much pain and for abandoning him. I lost my sister to suicide two months before the last time I saw my daughter.  My sister was last remaining person of my immediate family alive.  It has felt like I lost two very important people to my life in a matter of months.  My mental health doctor told me that BPD are the hardest to treat.  I also need to know I might never have contact with her again.  I send her emails all the time.  I don't know if she even gets them or not.  I just don't know what else to do.  I'm afraid if I would go where she lives she would slam the door on my face or cause some scene.  What do you do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

BPD has taken my dd away from me.  I've had no contact with her for over 1 1/2 years.  She moved across country to go to college and now lives there.  A couple of people on her Facebook page will let me know when something bad happens, but that's about it. To be honest we never had the correct tools to deal with her.  As I read about how I should have talked to her, I realize I was wrong.  It has been really hard on me and I went into a deep depression. ...

I send her emails all the time.  I don't know if she even gets them or not.  I just don't know what else to do.  I'm afraid if I would go where she lives she would slam the door on my face or cause some scene.  What do you do?

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through, Kimmom 

Since you have emailed her in the past, would you be willing to try again? I ask this, because several of us on this site--including me--have benefitted from using this "letter" from Valerie Porr's "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" book. It's found on page 331, and she calls it an "Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration":

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

I've actually sent this exact letter in an email, with my Daughter-In-Law's name here and there, with some specific S.E.T. mentions of a few of her grievances before the statement. I didn't go into all of them, but pinpointed the ones that I knew were at the crux of her angst. Then I acknowledged how she felt about each matter, told her that if I looked at it the way she did--or if I thought someone was doing that to me--I would feel the same way that she did. And then I mentioned the truth of the situation, not using the words "but" or "however" (which can be tricky; I had to be inventive   ).

The first time I sent this type of email with this statement above (in bold here), it was to both my son and my D-I-L because he was supporting her No Contact and threats of not letting us see their child once he was born. After that 1st email, my son came around and began communicating with us again, in a very good way. A few months later, I sent the above statement (exactly as written, with her name here and there to personalize it), with S.E.T. for her grievances. At that time, she softened and even became warm with us, and things have been very good ever since. 

I do recommend that book mentioned above, where I found that quote; it really can help you understand better what is going on with your daughter, and how to deal with it yourself. I'm sorry that she has blocked you out for so long, and that you also lost your beloved sister; please keep posting your questions on this site, and reading the other threads and the Articles and Workshops. And keep reading the links to the right-hand side of this page... .There are so many of us parents on this site that are dealing with exactly the same things that you are dealing with, and we want to support you, and help you through them 

[lever.]

Hello kinmom.

I also used Valerie Porr's letter as a template when trying to re-establish contact with my daughter- it was effective but I have to warn you that the first response was an angry tirade blaming me for everything.

I had a lot of help on here with how to respond to that. (Validating the valid etc).

I also found that I had to move very slowly and take tiny little steps.

We are now back in touch although the relationship is a little distant.

I am seeing my GC.

I have found Valerie Porr's book to be an invaluable guide.

There are some people on here who have experienced long periods of no contact but eventually things have changed, so do not lose hope.

Just speak honestly, let her know you are there for her and then stand back