Permenately split black

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Does anyone have some thoughts or insight on being split black permanately by your BPD S/O. does this happen alot ,what causes it. I know i am going to here this is a good thing, but i still would like some info Thanks

[bfd58po]

Does anyone have some thoughts or insight on being split black permanately by your BPD S/O. does this happen alot ,what causes it. I know i am going to here this is a good thing, but i still would like some info Thanks

[ForeverDad]

Sure, it happened to me.  It gradually increased from the on again, off again, blaming cycles.  In the early days it was occasional, toward the end it was most of the time. 

Why?  What triggered the total rejection?  I stood up to her and her blaming ultimatums.

[bfd58po]

no comments or opinions at all whats up?

[mtn]

Long weekend, dude.  Lots of people living their lives.

Doesnt mean they don't love you or aren't interested in this thread.

But... .

if you're still deciding on sticking around in the relationship... .and you think she's split you black permanently... .

What do you think?

[bfd58po]

Ok as you can tell from my other posts,like some other people,as hard as it is i am still fighting the is she or is she not BPD.If there is such a thing as reverse diognosis this points to yes. by a reverse diognosis i mean the way she makes me feel and the relationship also plus how everything on this board relates to her and us .Everything imaginable points to her being BPD but the smallest sign that she may not be makes me wonder and makes me think,was it me ,deep down i know it was not but you know how that goes. I really did expect a more ascerted re-engagement by now but i guess her new guy is keeping her happy, the last contact i had was a phone call about 3 weeks ago about a tax matter and that was the extent of it and nothing since. I know everyone is going to say lucky you but i dont feel that way.

[schwing]

I don't know if people with BPDs permanently split people black.  More often than not, nons get re-engaged at some point, especially when someone else gets split black.  Then the previous black person is not so black, or might be white, thus they get re-engaged, perhaps so the BPD can find out to see if the non is potential source of support.

I imagine once a non goes NC with a BPD, they might get split black.  Or they just might get completely forgotten.  I don't know.

The whole point of "splitting" is people with BPD don't have object constancy.  They can't sustain an (emotional?) memory of whether the specific person was a good person or bad person.  Generally speaking, if the non is present and supportive, they are split white.  But if they are absent (like when they take a trip without the BPD) they might get split black.  Nevermind that you might have explained to the BPD that the trip was going to happen, or that the BPD told you they think they'll be ok with you leaving.  Once you're gone, they just might flip and split you black.  But not absolutely until they find a replacement.

Splitting happens A LOT.  Maybe it's because the way BPDs interact with people, they substitute their emotions for which other might call mature adult judgment (again, lack of object constancy).  They either idealize someone or they devalue someone.  Depends on the mood they associate with you at the time, assuming you're just an acquaintance.  But if you are/have been intimate with someone with BPD, that's a whole 'nother level of splitting.

What I've noticed is that often BPDs will split someone black, after they had a surge of fear of abandonment (which in turn happens after there's been some good degree of intimate feelings).  I guess some people see this as a fear of engulfment.  Once that fear dissipates or perhaps their need for intimacy, or whatever it is they need to distract from their emotional abyss, once that becomes more pressing, then they might split you white again: then apologies and obsequiousness ensues.  Until the next surge of fear of abandonment.  Rinse and Repeat. 

Most BPDs might think, "just in case this relationship doesn't work" or "I just need to make sure I'm a commodity" and so they go and find potential replacements.  As those relationships develops, if they change partners, then you get split black.

Anyway, that's all I could think of... .hope that helps.

Schwing

[bfd58po]

Schwing Thanks She has not been in contact with me for 3 weeks not by my choice and as usual it feels like an eternity, I have not contacted her because what is the sense , she knows how i feel and what i want Plus she is with someone else, so what is the sense , At this point it just feels like i will be the bad guy forever and i wanted to get a feel for the chances of that and what could constitute that.

[discardedboyfriend]

Hi BFD,

    Join the club my brother. Not only have I been split black (whatever in the hell that means) but I have been sucked into a black hole of hate. I have been ripped to shreds into a state of nothingness in the fabric of space and time in her rather large mind. Some of her ex-boyfriends have not been split black. They are in reserves. I think you're as good as your last interaction. This black and white thinking is very dysfunctional. She's aware that she actually does this. That's why the restraining order helps because I can't whiten myself. Because to know me is to love me. How could any woman resist my charm? Even the nutty ones (especially them). This is infantile behavior apparently. Joe

[Major_Dad]

My uNBPDw has permanently split black my sister. But as long has she has some use for me, she will waffle back and forth. I know when I file for divorce and go NC, I will fade to black for sure.

[bewildered2]

Does anyone have some thoughts or insight on being split black permanately by your BPD S/O. does this happen alot ,what causes it. I know i am going to here this is a good thing, but i still would like some info Thanks

She has new supply so she doesn't need you... .yet.

And if she has some narcissistic traits then you might not hear from her ever again.

And, if you've called her on her behavior and told her she's nutty and needs help, and that you're not gonna take her crap any more then she'll probably go lloking for easier meat.

b2   

[Englishman]

True story... .I left my BPDgf of 10 years behind in LA while I had to spent a few months in England on business. She cried at the airport and said to me to come back quickly. We said we loved each other! Well... .as soon as I left she joined some dating websites (so she told me) and date number 3 becomes her noes guy. (drug dealer/addict)  She's now living with him... .and since the second week after I left... .I'm pure split black. Everything I ever did for 10 years was wrong and broke her heart soo many times! That's not how I remember it. Heading back to LA next week and god knows what's gonna happen. Will I become white again I wonder!

[elessar]

Englishman buddy, you never know. You could be split white tomorrow. You could be split black rest of your life. Mine has come back 4 years later. Mine split me some deep black last January... .worst rage I ever experienced... .to come back like nothing was wrong 6 weeks later. Now she's gone and we are in the end of 6th week/beginning 7th week. Who knows man. It really depends on what is going on in THEIR life. nothing to do about us.

[hurting300]

Not sure why, but a lot of people say if your BPDex has n.p.d she won't come back. This is NOT TRUE. The narcissist woman and man will come back. I have read hundreds of articles and they do return after they go no contact.

[Caredverymuch]

I don't know if people with BPDs permanently split people black.  More often than not, nons get re-engaged at some point, especially when someone else gets split black.  Then the previous black person is not so black, or might be white, thus they get re-engaged, perhaps so the BPD can find out to see if the non is potential source of support.

I imagine once a non goes NC with a BPD, they might get split black.  Or they just might get completely forgotten.  I don't know.

The whole point of "splitting" is people with BPD don't have object constancy.  They can't sustain an (emotional?) memory of whether the specific person was a good person or bad person.  Generally speaking, if the non is present and supportive, they are split white.  But if they are absent (like when they take a trip without the BPD) they might get split black.  Nevermind that you might have explained to the BPD that the trip was going to happen, or that the BPD told you they think they'll be ok with you leaving.  Once you're gone, they just might flip and split you black.  But not absolutely until they find a replacement.

Splitting happens A LOT.  Maybe it's because the way BPDs interact with people, they substitute their emotions for which other might call mature adult judgment (again, lack of object constancy).  They either idealize someone or they devalue someone.  Depends on the mood they associate with you at the time, assuming you're just an acquaintance.  But if you are/have been intimate with someone with BPD, that's a whole 'nother level of splitting.

What I've noticed is that often BPDs will split someone black, after they had a surge of fear of abandonment (which in turn happens after there's been some good degree of intimate feelings).  I guess some people see this as a fear of engulfment.  Once that fear dissipates or perhaps their need for intimacy, or whatever it is they need to distract from their emotional abyss, once that becomes more pressing, then they might split you white again: then apologies and obsequiousness ensues.  Until the next surge of fear of abandonment.  Rinse and Repeat. 

Most BPDs might think, "just in case this relationship doesn't work" or "I just need to make sure I'm a commodity" and so they go and find potential replacements.  As those relationships develops, if they change partners, then you get split black.

Anyway, that's all I could think of... .hope that helps.

Schwing

Good point. When I was still in the BPD r/s I had a planned vacation with my family.  He was so clingy prior to my departure and told me how undone he was that I was going to be away. But it was more in a very loving way, very sweet and affectionate and attentive. 

He invaded my entire vacation with texting beginning while I waited at the airport gate for hours through the entire time I was away. He wanted to be sure I knew how empty and missing he was of me.  My mind was on him constantly. So much so I really did not enjoy my vacation at all, as many of you would understand.  And I really and truly did miss him very much. I couldn't wait to get home to see him.  The night my flight landed we texted saying how much we both missed one another and could not wait to see each other. We made plans to do so the next day.

The next day came. I was beyond excited to see him and just couldn't wait to merely hold one another again.

He never came through. I waited and waited and finally went to his office to see what might be holding up. When I walked in, he was alone, and looked at me with disgust.  A subsequent text came in ( must  have had a delay ) from him telling me that he wanted to move on from me and with his life. He felt it was best we take Seperate paths with our lives.  That he didnt trust me and just really wanted to move on in his life? 

I stood there in front of this cold stranger, reading his text, while being " received" back from the my vacation. While he acted with zero emotion. As if I was a mere annoyance really. I actually appreciate that I received his text while ironically in his presence bc this was not fake. He hated me. Could have cared less I was back. In person it showed without doubt. To the extent I could have just disappeared forever.  I recall even asking him that in my confusion.  I said something like it seems you really want me to out of your life for a reason of which I am struggling. Bc I missed you dearly. Are you really asking me to leave this r/s? He said with zero emotion that would be fine. And he let me leave.  Zero affect or emotion. As if I never existed to begin with.

I later learned he had a great day at work. Full of vigor. While I sat full of dismay and immense hurt.

This was pre BPD knowledge on my part. Here I was fresh from vacation ready to fall back into the arms of the man I loved. And there he was wanting me gone. He wouldn't hear a word I tried to say. My head was spinning. He just walked away. Happy as a lark it seemed too. While I left in a state of deep confusion, hurt, and immense devalue.

Does this perhaps resonate with how incredibly disordered this complexity is?