do u think the interaction with your SO got worse when u started living together

[stuckgirl]

what i want to ask is that did any of you know that your partner suffered from BPD before moving in with them plus had read or been told about the problems that usually occurred in a household with a partner suffering from BPD (... .eg cheating,physical abuse,fights over picking things by your choice... .) but not expected that they would happen to you because despite you partner being a pwBPD they would find them too trivial or you just knew them better... yet many trivial, unexpected or usually mentioned problems did occur after moving in eventually?

what im so inarticulately trying to ask is simply this,that what additional problems occurred when you moved in with your partner after living apart,that you did not expect?im asking this because,as some of you might know,my fiance has BPD,and im contemplating what might happen. some common experiences would be appreciated guys.

thanks.

[woofhound]

mind if I ask how long you guys have been together?

[stuckgirl]

mind if I ask how long you guys have been together?

its been 11 months now i think.

[woofhound]

when I moved in with my exuBPD there was a honeymoon phase for about a month. then there would be stints of "hormonal episodes" caused by birthcontrol... .which by the way, in hind sight, was probably the BPD, and these episodes got worse as time went on. I was not even aware that BPD was a thing at that time, so its hard for me to offer advice, but I feel like I might have had a chance if I had know and prepared emotionally for what was in store. my suggestion would be to study up as much as you can on this disorder, and be prepared. Its gonna be really amazing, then terrible, then really amazing again... .then terrible. If its anything like mine was that is.

[pavilion]

I didn't know about BPD before he moved in but I would say it will feel much more intense if you live together and it is harder to escape. If you do it you would benefit from having a plan of action for when things get heated. I lived with my bf for a year until I could take no more :-(

[stuckgirl]

I didn't know about BPD before he moved in but I would say it will feel much more intense if you live together and it is harder to escape. If you do it you would benefit from having a plan of action for when things get heated. I lived with my bf for a year until I could take no more :-(

i can understand,im also not 100 per cent moving in with him,im going about this board,reading up on what the future could be like,and i must say these boards have helped me get my sanity back... but i dont know how much longer i could take it.

thanks a lot.

[Green_eyes]

After we moved in together my ex would occasionally throw my belongings out if the house and tell me to get the f$& out and shout "there's the door." He would be excited  about interior design ideas I had for our home only to later become angry and resentful and accuse me of caring about how things looked and what people thought.

He started pushing me away much more intensely because I assume living together triggered his fear if I engulfment and being controlled. He would ask for me to make supper for 5 only to come home close to two hours late and act angry and irritated by my presence.

He would work for hours on end to avoid coming home and go out on all offered occasions and not even text or call to check on how I was doing while caring for our newborn son.

I would end up having to leave my home and stay with family or friends until he came back to his senses. He would be up and down like a roller coaster and the ride became less thrilling and more scary. His love seemed to be about having his own needs met and was extremely one sided.

He continues to try and convince me and possibly even himself that he wants to be with me and be a part of his sons life yet his actions almost never match anything that comes out if his mouth.

Those are my personal experiences. Please think long and hard about what you are getting into. I was engaged and have a 7 month old that I am now raising alone, along with a dog I brought into the relationship and another we bought together at his request.

He became physically abusive during my pregnancy and continued to be abusive after my son was born.

Do you want children and a family one day? Please consider what you are potentially getting into if this is the case. Whenever I talk about my experiences with friends I say that I am an adult and what I choose to put up with is my choice. Since my son arrived I have been consumed with the guilt of staying to try and keep my family together and realize that my child will suffer tremendously if I decide to try and stay and continue to hope that things will get better.

Good luck. I am sorry to sound so discouraging but I put my heart and soul into my relationship with my SO only to have my life trampled upon and left in the gutter.

I was with my ex for 2 years and feel completely drained as a result of dealing with the disorder and intensity of the ups and downs.

My ex was in therapy and taking meds and told me about his illness. I thought he was in recovery and then it was too late and I felt trapped and helpless.

[pavilion]

I think there is also a different dynamic if you move in with them as apposed to them moving in with you. My bf moved into my house which I found very difficult because he had ammunition to call me controlling (it was my house for god's sake). And when I asked him to leave (after a long time of dropping hints and dreading it) he accused me of "throwing him out"  and "discarding him". If you move in with him at least you can leave if it gets too difficult without having to ask him to leave.

[Forestaken]

Worse.

From controlling to isolation to physical and finanical abuse.

[Cipher13]

A few signs were there for me but I just thought that was just part of working on a relationship. Like you may have read there is a honeymoon phase. How long this lasts and what it may look like varies and depends on the pwBPD I think.  For me the first time I noticed somethign was amist was 3 weeks before our wedding.  I wanted to spend a weeked with my Dad and grandfather at there cabin in the woods. That is the first time I ever saw a full disregualtion rage. She didn't want me to leave her or abandon her liek that. She ripped up pictures and yelled and cried. In the end I went but then due to the guilt she was able to project I came back early.

Since then I can't even hardly leave the room without her asking if I am coming back. I'm not even making that up. Its evey time. I put everythign into doign things for her to make her happy and to help ease her anxiety and feeling of being left alone. It hind sight. I have enabled her and made the situation worse. I was married for 11 years before I found out it was BPD/NPD. Now I feel paralized and helpless.

My opinion would be to not move in. At least not until you know how to handle the situations or if at all possible your SO is gettign some sort of help. If you havea strong support network then that may also help.

[stuckgirl]

A few signs were there for me but I just thought that was just part of working on a relationship. Like you may have read there is a honeymoon phase. How long this lasts and what it may look like varies and depends on the pwBPD I think.  For me the first time I noticed somethign was amist was 3 weeks before our wedding.  I wanted to spend a weeked with my Dad and grandfather at there cabin in the woods. That is the first time I ever saw a full disregualtion rage. She didn't want me to leave her or abandon her liek that. She ripped up pictures and yelled and cried. In the end I went but then due to the guilt she was able to project I came back early.

Since then I can't even hardly leave the room without her asking if I am coming back. I'm not even making that up. Its evey time. I put everythign into doign things for her to make her happy and to help ease her anxiety and feeling of being left alone. It hind sight. I have enabled her and made the situation worse. I was married for 11 years before I found out it was BPD/NPD. Now I feel paralized and helpless.

My opinion would be to not move in. At least not until you know how to handle the situations or if at all possible your SO is gettign some sort of help. If you havea strong support network then that may also help.

well my partner says he's 'rather die' then take medication or accept treatment,he said if someone diagnosed him with a psychological issue,he'd give them a million points and diagnose him,i have no idea what that meant.im sorry you feel helpless,after this time,is your wife still not assured that you will come back?

are you happy pr contented? im sorry if these feel like personal questions,but i thought i'd ask.

im actually having more and more thoughts against moving in with him.

After we moved in together my ex would occasionally throw my belongings out if the house and tell me to get the f$& out and shout "there's the door." He would be excited  about interior design ideas I had for our home only to later become angry and resentful and accuse me of caring about how things looked and what people thought.

He started pushing me away much more intensely because I assume living together triggered his fear if I engulfment and being controlled. He would ask for me to make supper for 5 only to come home close to two hours late and act angry and irritated by my presence.

He would work for hours on end to avoid coming home and go out on all offered occasions and not even text or call to check on how I was doing while caring for our newborn son.

I would end up having to leave my home and stay with family or friends until he came back to his senses. He would be up and down like a roller coaster and the ride became less thrilling and more scary. His love seemed to be about having his own needs met and was extremely one sided.

He continues to try and convince me and possibly even himself that he wants to be with me and be a part of his sons life yet his actions almost never match anything that comes out if his mouth.

Those are my personal experiences. Please think long and hard about what you are getting into. I was engaged and have a 7 month old that I am now raising alone, along with a dog I brought into the relationship and another we bought together at his request.

He became physically abusive during my pregnancy and continued to be abusive after my son was born.

Do you want children and a family one day? Please consider what you are potentially getting into if this is the case. Whenever I talk about my experiences with friends I say that I am an adult and what I choose to put up with is my choice. Since my son arrived I have been consumed with the guilt of staying to try and keep my family together and realize that my child will suffer tremendously if I decide to try and stay and continue to hope that things will get better.

Good luck. I am sorry to sound so discouraging but I put my heart and soul into my relationship with my SO only to have my life trampled upon and left in the gutter.

I was with my ex for 2 years and feel completely drained as a result of dealing with the disorder and intensity of the ups and downs.

My ex was in therapy and taking meds and told me about his illness. I thought he was in recovery and then it was too late and I felt trapped and helpless.

have you been able to leave your husband? i'll say good for you.

im sorry you went through physical abuse, that doesnt sound good. i told my partner if he ever abused me physically i would leave him because i saw that in my family,but im thinking where would i go.

our wedding is yet to happen a9nd he acts as if he doesnt really care whether its going to happen or not... .i dont know why he does that,i thought people with this disorder could not bear the idea of having someone leave them

he says he doesnt want to burden me with himself and i can back out of the relationship,so it doesnt seem he loves me.

i can actually relate a bit to your husbands behaviour. my fiance is often restless about visiting me,yet when he does it always seems as if he cant wait to leave and go back to his normal routine.he invalidates about everything i day,doesnt reply or talk about to me about anything,i feel as if he's forcing himself to make a phone call... .i told him that youve stopped even talking to me,he said that he doesnt know how to have interesting conversations,i reminded him that he was certainly a big talker at the start of our relationship,he says well i was trying to impress you then... .if i ignore him he throws his regular tantrum,definitely wants his needs met and doesnt love me.when asked he says dramatically that he loves me,in a way that i cant help but believe it the way he says,the next day little (and often) big things in his behaviour let me know that he doesnt care whether i exist or not.i feel so invisible with him... .and overwhelmingly sad that my own fiance doesnt give a whit about me.

did you ever think your husband loved/or loves you?

[Green_eyes]

Hi stuck girl,

It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of behaviours that I went through.

My fiancé and I are now separated and it has been very tough nit contacting him at times despite the EPO and the abuse.

The distancing behaviours and push pull stuff is about feeling controlled or engulfed by you. It can also be a type of ___ test to see what you will put up with before you abandon them.

My ex's behaviours dramatically escalated after he asked me to marry him and after I became pregnant and after I moved in with him. I believe all this push away, conflict causing behaviour was done to protect/sabotage the relationship before I left him.

I've spent many days obsessing over whether my BPD ex actually ever lived me or my son.

Sometimes I want to believe his apologies and look at the good time and remember those things. Unfortunately I don't believe my ex ever was capable of truly loving me for me. Think he loved me for loving him... .if that makes sense.

It is devastating and heartbreaking to finally admit that the live I felt was much different from he live he felt for me and our child.

I can't help but remind myself that for me, love is based in friendship and respect. Respect is something that should remain constant and his behaviour was very much counter to respect.

If you ever want to talk privately please feel free to msg me.

I feel like I understand exactly what you are going through.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so much pain and confusion.

I've been there and still continue to have days where I wish we could be together.

Stop thinking about him and reflect inward. What kind if life do YOU want? What kind of LOVE do you want to have? You deserve to get what you want and you don't have to settle.

Relationships are always work but you can't be solely responsible for everything and giving everything. That is unfair and one sided and not love.

[Forestaken]

My ex's behaviours dramatically escalated after he asked me to marry him and after I became pregnant and after I moved in with him.

I've spent many days obsessing over whether my BPD ex actually ever l(o)ived me or my son.

Sometimes I want to believe his apologies and look at the good time and remember those things. Unfortunately I don't believe my ex ever was capable of truly loving me for me. Think he loved me for loving him... .if that makes sense.

Green_eyes,

Question(s): Did you find yourself in a slow isolation prior to him becoming physically abusive?

My uBPD+dOCD+Xw  slowly separated me from my friends then family so that I had no support system.  Then the controlling took hold, followed by the physical abuse (hitting, kicking, hair pulling) then finanical abuse (she controlled the money despite I was the sole wage earner)

[stuckgirl]

Hi stuck girl,

It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of behaviours that I went through.

My fiancé and I are now separated and it has been very tough nit contacting him at times despite the EPO and the abuse.

The distancing behaviours and push pull stuff is about feeling controlled or engulfed by you. It can also be a type of  test to see what you will put up with before you abandon them.

My ex's behaviours dramatically escalated after he asked me to marry him and after I became pregnant and after I moved in with him. I believe all this push away, conflict causing behaviour was done to protect/sabotage the relationship before I left him.

I've spent many days obsessing over whether my BPD ex actually ever lived me or my son.

Sometimes I want to believe his apologies and look at the good time and remember those things. Unfortunately I don't believe my ex ever was capable of truly loving me for me. Think he loved me for loving him... .if that makes sense.

It is devastating and heartbreaking to finally admit that the live I felt was much different from he live he felt for me and our child.

I can't help but remind myself that for me, love is based in friendship and respect. Respect is something that should remain constant and his behaviour was very much counter to respect.

If you ever want to talk privately please feel free to msg me.

I feel like I understand exactly what you are going through.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so much pain and confusion.

I've been there and still continue to have days where I wish we could be together.

Stop thinking about him and reflect inward. What kind if life do YOU want? What kind of LOVE do you want to have? You deserve to get what you want and you don't have to settle.

Relationships are always work but you can't be solely responsible for everything and giving everything. That is unfair and one sided and not love.

Thanks for replying green eyes,im glad that youre free of a toxic relationship,i dont have to tell you how addictive it is.

Trust me i know the 'loves me for loving him' he's just ignoring me... .like he doesnt care if i live or die.

People often say ignoring a person is worse than hating them,to those people i'd say i agree! He doesnt text,he talks as if being forced,giving the kind of answers that i cant be replied to.

I talked to him about it,he really seemed to understand what i was saying

Yet the behaviour sticks. For example,if i say hey have you seen that thing on news,it looks pretty serious,his reply would be 'oh how sweet,you watch news' i could continue from there and say yes i do or dont you find 'some burning issues' in our country interesting? He doesnt say off course i do,that issue should be bla bla,his reply to that is 'you're so cute' ALWAYS,to everything!

I discussed that i was feeling so invalidated by his responses and attitude,and i know he understood. Today he said something in a babyish way that was cute,i said so,and he said youre saying im cute too so why does what i say bother you... i said because thats not my reply to everything.

He's continuing with the behaviour,texted me an hour ago (its 1

9 pm here) that he 'might' sleep early today,with the next message saying,well good night... .what sort of behaviour is this? Why wont he talk to me,or straight up dump me if he doesnt love me.just what is his problem?

[Green_eyes]

My ex worked to push my family away (by saying he felt judged/uncomfortable around them) but because u knew about his BPD j would try and reason  with him and ultimately wouldn't stop seeing them, although he visited less and less frequently. It was more like he would work for hours on end and spend all his free time with others while I was at home where he knew to find me, pregnant and alone. It was a very hard time in my life and something I don't like to remember.

When I'd try and talk with him about feeling hurt he would erupt in anger and ALWAYS turn it around on me somehow. I am thinking the abuse started because I would eventually end up getting upset and telling some truths about the type of bs he was dishing out. I knew he was trying to push me away because he felt trapped in the relationship despite him saying he "tried to get me pregnant." He would often accuse me of attacking him verbally if I tried to speak to him very gently about me feeling hurt by his actions and so on. It was and still continues to be a very confusing and incredibly difficult situation.

The reason your ex does what he does is because you've shown him that it bothers you.

When I let me ex know him working all hours and going out very late without so much as sending me a text to check in was upsetting and hurtful he only amplified those behaviours until I would eventually give him the fight/drama he was craving.

You have to learn how to play the game if you want to stay and you have to learn a new set of rules as the game often changes quickly.

My advice is to cut him off or leave when he acts in ways that you do not appreciate.

Act like you could care less and go on with your day. Ignore his messages and I have a feeling he will come crawling back. Unfortunately this type of garbage is difficult to do for long and I refused to play any sort of game with my ex because I am no longer in high school.

Time to grow up and move in with my life. I am seeing he is determined to be miserable and I will let him do whatever he wants to do so long as he doesn't continue to try and make me miserable too.

[stuckgirl]

My ex worked to push my family away (by saying he felt judged/uncomfortable around them) but because u knew about his BPD j would try and reason  with him and ultimately wouldn't stop seeing them, although he visited less and less frequently. It was more like he would work for hours on end and spend all his free time with others while I was at home where he knew to find me, pregnant and alone. It was a very hard time in my life and something I don't like to remember.

When I'd try and talk with him about feeling hurt he would erupt in anger and ALWAYS turn it around on me somehow. I am thinking the abuse started because I would eventually end up getting upset and telling some truths about the type of bs he was dishing out. I knew he was trying to push me away because he felt trapped in the relationship despite him saying he "tried to get me pregnant." He would often accuse me of attacking him verbally if I tried to speak to him very gently about me feeling hurt by his actions and so on. It was and still continues to be a very confusing and incredibly difficult situation.

The reason your ex does what he does is because you've shown him that it bothers you.

When I let me ex know him working all hours and going out very late without so much as sending me a text to check in was upsetting and hurtful he only amplified those behaviours until I would eventually give him the fight/drama he was craving.

You have to learn how to play the game if you want to stay and you have to learn a new set of rules as the game often changes quickly.

My advice is to cut him off or leave when he acts in ways that you do not appreciate.

Act like you could care less and go on with your day. Ignore his messages and I have a feeling he will come crawling back. Unfortunately this type of garbage is difficult to do for long and I refused to play any sort of game with my ex because I am no longer in high school.

Time to grow up and move in with my life. I am seeing he is determined to be miserable and I will let him do whatever he wants to do so long as he doesn't continue to try and make me miserable too.

thank you for your advice,its certainly helping me untangle many of his 'current' behaviours and moods

im getting more and more reluctant to marry this person after understanding what he feels and what he wants,im not a person who can provide that... yet i wish it was somehow easier 

my SO seems to have a problem with my family too,not that he ever says he dislikes them,

but he often hints that he's rather have me all to himself'

gets insecure if im spending time with someone in my family or gets kind of quiet whenever i mention something that happened at home,pretty sure he doesnt want them in my life,

although he says 'im free to do as i please,like who i want to,be free,he doesnt want to hold me back' he's a 'waif' i think. am i kidding myself or is it possible for a pwBPD to keep her/him 'word' even if a long time has passed since he's made it?

i think your right about him knowing that it bothers me,a light bulb flashed in my head when you mentioned that he does this because he knows it annoys me

i dont believe pwBPD try to delibrately annoy people,with this going in their mind that im going to bother her/him,i think there is some innate need in them to elicit a reaction, or prove their perfection in every way,as in if they think they are annoying us,even if we tell them that they are,they will keep on doing it again and again until it looks to them that the behaviour is accepted,thereby validating their behaviour as perfect. and you are so right,the more i try to let him know something about him is bothering me,the more he just does it,first subtly,then persistently,he doesnt even put up an act of changing his behaviour,as in just once validating something ive said for validation's sake,never and he does all this in a friendly tone,like i dont know what is going on and like he doesnt know what he's doing.

today however,i changed my 'tactic',his ignoring me had reached unimaginable levels,he wouldnt get his phone credited (which takes two minutes) for these last fouror some days because he didnt have any particular desire to talk to me (i dont suspect a BPD behaviour there,i suspect he doesnt love me anymore that ive let him push me around so much by his disrespecting that he doesnt even respect 'me' anymore) so i thought time to get some of that back,love to sod.

he had said he would help me with something that needed some effort,

i texted him to say something like oh i forgot i had to remind you to do that favour,do it at this date,this time,and if its not convinient for you then think of it as a husband doing his wife a favour and there's your silver lining (he's my fiance and i really needed the thing done and he HAD promised) im sure he was caught off gaurd because he had been dining with his friend had texted me 8 times in four days to say he was gyming,playing tennis,going out,going shopping with his friend,dining,would gladly message when he got back, and expecting me to sulk around or act hurt or tell him he was 'ignoring me againg' 'ugh' (im pretty sure it was about something to do with being out of love with me,i dont think he was playing a game when ignoring me)

however he got his account credited that day and called me,i'd been watching a movie and didnt feel like talking and hinted until he went away.

the way your ex treated you is very similar to how this guy treats me,the ignoring,the trying to stay away,trying to avoid every interaction,

he used to jump up at the prospect of coming over and used to ask me to come over all the time,now a balloon seems to pop in him if there is a 'necessity' to meet.

a funny thing he did was he unthinkingly asked me when i was coming over,immediately realized it sounded like he was inviting me to visit his house,and tried to cover it by saying very smoothly and immediately "when will 'my darling' marry me and come" which he meant to say originally.

which is sad (but a little funny too... )

it must have been so hurtful when your ex was doing something similar to you perhaps and im happy for you that you got out of a one sided,hurtful relationship,it takes a lot of resolve.honestly how did you manage navigating between all the manupulating and screaming? do you still think about him or miss?

[Green_eyes]

Hi stuck girl,

It sounds like things haven't been much better and I'm sorry about that. The ignoring and being busy etc, in my relationship was always some part of a deliberate game. It would be to push me away, control me, or test me to see if I would leave... .that was a constant thing and at times it was maddening.

I have days where I am consumed by thoughts of him. We have a 7 month old son together and he left the territory we live in after I filed an emergency protection order against him.

Now he is home at his mothers house getting treatment and working in his mental and physical well being... .

I'm very angry and bitter that I'm left on my own with a child who deserves better from the man who claims to be his father. We are in the process of working things out legally and I am very fearful that he will continue to be difficult.

I can't imagine him getting any kind if custody but he will be allowed access and visitations with his son if and when he returns.

It makes me sick to think that his son will not even remember his dad by the time thus may actually happen.

Honestly, if I had my time back I would have ran FARRRR away when I had the chance of getting out free and clear. Now Im tethered to him for life and that is something that it hard to swallow.

I can't imagine being in his company now. I love him but I don't think he ever actually loved me and he clearly can't love his son very much if he took off without so much as even asking about seeing him or about his well being.

It beaks my heart and makes me hate him with all of my soul.

He deserves to be miserable.

[Blimblam]

When I lived with her at her dads it was heaven on earth. When she moved in with me and began to depend on me it very quickly became hell on earth. 

[stuckgirl]

Hi stuck girl,

It sounds like things haven't been much better and I'm sorry about that. The ignoring and being busy etc, in my relationship was always some part of a deliberate game. It would be to push me away, control me, or test me to see if I would leave... .that was a constant thing and at times it was maddening.

I have days where I am consumed by thoughts of him. We have a 7 month old son together and he left the territory we live in after I filed an emergency protection order against him.

Now he is home at his mothers house getting treatment and working in his mental and physical well being... .

I'm very angry and bitter that I'm left on my own with a child who deserves better from the man who claims to be his father. We are in the process of working things out legally and I am very fearful that he will continue to be difficult.

I can't imagine him getting any kind if custody but he will be allowed access and visitations with his son if and when he returns.

It makes me sick to think that his son will not even remember his dad by the time thus may actually happen.

Honestly, if I had my time back I would have ran FARRRR away when I had the chance of getting out free and clear. Now Im tethered to him for life and that is something that it hard to swallow.

I can't imagine being in his company now. I love him but I don't think he ever actually loved me and he clearly can't love his son very much if he took off without so much as even asking about seeing him or about his well being.

It beaks my heart and makes me hate him with all of my soul.

He deserves to be miserable.

im so sorry youre going through such a bitter time in your life,atleast you love your child,and the security of a parent loving a child cannot be substituted for by anything,even one parent is more than enough if the family is at peace,look at it this way,you've saved your child from the insecurity and fear of a dysfunctional relationship between the parents,he will never have to witness his father making you unhappy,because,believe me,i dont think theirs anything worse in seeing your father make youre mother unhappy.

i have not really known that pwBPD also had problems with their feelings for their children,at least when they were in infancy,but perhaps he has another pd along with this too,along with trying to bother you by not admitting that he might love his child.im sure towards your child and emotion is buried very deep down,but what with all the mess and insecurity in his head he cannot let it surface,he might not be able to let it surface because of some childhood issues of his own.

but nevertheless,im sure the bitterness will go away with time and you'll realize you're enough to give your child all the love and protection he/she needs.

you didnt know he had a pd,you didnt know he would be abusive,you did the best you really could,you're not responsible for someone else's actions,especially not a person with a BPD,moster pd'.

take all the support you can get from your friends,your family.i hope you know you're not alone in this.

i just dont care anymore what my SO does,he came with his brother today so his brother could see us before leaving for london,(family dynamics are a bit different here where i live) he didnt bring his parents deliberately so he wouldnt have to stay longer.he made lots and lots of excuses about being late,he told me the flight was at 6 pm,when my father asked he immediately said '7 30'

he said all sorts of things about 'not feeling good,kind of sick' (?) because his brother was leaving

the last time i checked nobody gets the flu if their brother goes abroad

his behaviour pretty much makes it clear he's going to treat me in a similar way to yours...

i want out of this bs,so much,but the process of going through would be excruciatingly painful,with involving family fights,his screams and rage,lies and defending myself, trying to stand ground between him clutching back at relationship and myself trying to stay the heck away.

im sure you'll get custody,definitely,and a time will come when you will wonder why you liked this man and i honestly hope it comes soon.i know you'll have to interact with him in the future,but you wont love him anymore,believe me. you'll be free of that and can persue a happier future for yourself,i think you started it when you filed for divorce to continue without his craziness,do hang in there and keep moving forward.youre already doing a good job for one person

[jamandbread]

Hello Stuck Girl,

I haven't been back on this site for quite some time.  It is refreshing to see that the vibrant supportive community is continuing to do great work.

I lived with an uBPDxgf for over three years.  Prior to that we were actually non-romantic room mates for about a year.  Prior to us getting together, I knew she could be a little dramatic and emotional but unfortunately that appeals to the co-dependent rescuer in me.

However, once our relationship changed to bf & gf and we moved apartments and really "lived" together things slowly got worse.  There are similar stories as shared here and on these message boards.  Raging, manipulation, checking emails, isolating behaviors... .the works.

You might notice that some of the folks here have been gently asking you if you are really sure you want to 1) move in with him and 2) marry him. 

Like others here I would advise you to seriously take a step back and think very carefully about moving in with him.  He has already said that he would refuse professional help this is one very telling sign.  If he was in a place to consider therapy then perhaps there might be a chance. However it doesn't seem like that is where his head is at right now.

You are undecided, and for probably good reasons.  11 months in the FOG and Crazy web that a BPD person weaves can be very confusing.  I would urge you to ask yourself some serious questions about what kind of relationship with him you want for yourself  in the future.  If you are you like some of us here, prone to being in relationships where you are "saving" your SO , this may be signs of low self esteem issues that you need to address for yourself.  I had to face the fact that one of the reason I seemed drawn to "needy" women or women who needed saving was my own fear of rejection. So I would be attracted to women who (I thought) were less likely to abandon me.  Unfortunately deciding to be with someone because of this mindset can get us into trouble. 

I am not saying this is your case but I urge you to do some introspection and ask yourself why you would want deal with that kind of behavior for the rest of your natural life (assuming the "until death do us part" marriage thing).

Please continue to read these boards, read the other stories in the undecided, staying and leaving categories.  See what married people are going through.

I can tell you that leaving my ex was the best thing I ever did.  We had no kids, no mortgage, or anything else to tie us together.  Once I found the strength to see past the FOG, I had to leave before it killed my soul.  I also took the time to deal with my own issues before heading back out into the relationship world.

Good luck with your decision. Whatever you decide you have a community that will stand by you.

JAMANDBREAD

[nowwhatz]

My BPD gf just moved out yesterday after being here with me since March.

In this case her meds have worked pretty good but she did not get into any kind of serious therapy and mostly just stayed in the bedroom... .did not work... .did not particularly help very much in the home.

My impression was that any "normal" person would go stir crazy under these conditions. In this case with the BPDgf the it was stir crazy times 100.  Then she became paranoid and ran out of meds a couple of times... .most recently 2 days ago.

I got annoyed but tried to be as patient as I could but had my bad moments.

So things got worse. If she had a way to be self sufficient and had her own place I think things would have been better.

Too bad that could not happen.

[stuckgirl]

Hello Stuck Girl,

I haven't been back on this site for quite some time.  It is refreshing to see that the vibrant supportive community is continuing to do great work.

I lived with an uBPDxgf for over three years.  Prior to that we were actually non-romantic room mates for about a year.  Prior to us getting together, I knew she could be a little dramatic and emotional but unfortunately that appeals to the co-dependent rescuer in me.

However, once our relationship changed to bf & gf and we moved apartments and really "lived" together things slowly got worse.  There are similar stories as shared here and on these message boards.  Raging, manipulation, checking emails, isolating behaviors... .the works.

You might notice that some of the folks here have been gently asking you if you are really sure you want to 1) move in with him and 2) marry him. 

Like others here I would advise you to seriously take a step back and think very carefully about moving in with him.  He has already said that he would refuse professional help this is one very telling sign.  If he was in a place to consider therapy then perhaps there might be a chance. However it doesn't seem like that is where his head is at right now.

You are undecided, and for probably good reasons.  11 months in the FOG and Crazy web that a BPD person weaves can be very confusing.  I would urge you to ask yourself some serious questions about what kind of relationship with him you want for yourself  in the future.  If you are you like some of us here, prone to being in relationships where you are "saving" your SO , this may be signs of low self esteem issues that you need to address for yourself.  I had to face the fact that one of the reason I seemed drawn to "needy" women or women who needed saving was my own fear of rejection. So I would be attracted to women who (I thought) were less likely to abandon me.  Unfortunately deciding to be with someone because of this mindset can get us into trouble. 

I am not saying this is your case but I urge you to do some introspection and ask yourself why you would want deal with that kind of behavior for the rest of your natural life (assuming the "until death do us part" marriage thing).

Please continue to read these boards, read the other stories in the undecided, staying and leaving categories.  See what married people are going through.

I can tell you that leaving my ex was the best thing I ever did.  We had no kids, no mortgage, or anything else to tie us together.  Once I found the strength to see past the FOG, I had to leave before it killed my soul.  I also took the time to deal with my own issues before heading back out into the relationship world.

Good luck with your decision. Whatever you decide you have a community that will stand by you.

JAMANDBREAD

thanks for replying,these forums have helped me a lot too, probably have saved my life (im quite emotional about it :/),i gained amazing insight of how my life would be with my fiance,the gruesome facts of which i had been denying until i read the first few posts of a bad BPD marriage

i live in a conservative culture and here whole families are involved in an engagement,it becomes something like two families form a bond,and however crazy that may sound,thats how it is and extremely hard to break off

it would be much more easier if it was just us two,and i could tel him that i cannot marry him. but what i have to do is to explain to my whole family why i cannot marry him,fight my way through a mud pond almost,arguments with why ever not',struggle with their support,and try to make them understand what i went through

in my case if would probably resemble a massacre or something,whereas in a 'normal' breakup,it would be a one on one fight... .i wont deny im trying to procrastinate as much as i possibly can,but ive taken the advises and insights,figured things out quite well and realized we would make each other utterly miserable.

the only thing i have to do is muster my guts up,try my best to do it in a way that doesnt break his heart (and my family's complete disappointment and lack of ability to understand why i want it to be over ,i hope i can make them understand)

My BPD gf just moved out yesterday after being here with me since March.

In this case her meds have worked pretty good but she did not get into any kind of serious therapy and mostly just stayed in the bedroom... .did not work... .did not particularly help very much in the home.

My impression was that any "normal" person would go stir crazy under these conditions. In this case with the BPDgf the it was stir crazy times 100.  Then she became paranoid and ran out of meds a couple of times... .most recently 2 days ago.

I got annoyed but tried to be as patient as I could but had my bad moments.

So things got worse. If she had a way to be self sufficient and had her own place I think things would have been better.

Too bad that could not happen.

if your gfs medicines worked,why did they not make her less 'crazy' as you say? im sorry she left and i hope you are nicely recovering from the pain and problems that are caused by a dysfuntional r/s,yet if the medicines helped,which part of your relationship did they seem to improve?