school court case for DS10

[ProfDaddy]

My son, diagnosed with "pre-borderline tendencies" has completed his first year at a RTC.  He is making progress, but slow progress.  The frequency, intensity, and duration of his rages has decreased; but he still rages.  Change is still difficult for him, limits are difficult, fear of having and of losing close relationships is difficult for him. Looks like a full second year of treatment is happening.

After a year of preparation, we finally had a hearing in front of a judge about whether the public schools are responsible for paying for his treatment.  He has a history of needs that go way beyond what any public school could provide.  There were 4 separate psych admits by age 8, for violence and suicidal language.  Pdoc testified that RTC is indicated after 2 psych admits.  The school's lawyer was an unpleasant man with an unpleasant job.  He did his best to make me look bad.  We put on a good case, now it is up to the judge.  I'm draining what was put away for his college, and then some, but he won't be able to go to college if he is in jail or dead.  So, hopefully the school will be required to pay.  The lawyers and judge still have lots of writing and reading and lawyering to do, so no decision until mid December. 

Further complicating things is that my ex paid some towards his care initially, now won't pay anything unless I take HER to court as well.  She managed to buy a new car and a house, but she won't pay to take care of her son. 

Needless to say, the drama over caring for my son, plus some issues with my D13 who lives with me, have my new wife very frustrated.  I'll post about that elsewhere on the site, since it doesn't relate to caring for my son.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you for your update ProfDaddy,

What a heartache to have to fight in court to get the school to pay for your son's treatment... .

What's going to happen with your son til December? Who's going to pay for the RTC in the meantime?

Do you have any other options for any RTCs that might be better suited for your son? Or do you think that this one is a good fit, and the progress would be slow anywhere else also?

[ProfDaddy]

The RTC is a good fit.  My son is a complex little guy and it is just going to take time.  All the people who have treated him agree, he is a tough case.  His first psych admit was at age 4, he is completely out of control without medications, poor little guy.  We are quite fortunate and my father can pay until the school case is resolved. 

[Rapt Reader]

I'm so glad that you've been able to have him treated and in ongoing therapies and the RTC; at such a young age it should be very beneficial for him. I'm wondering if you've ever checked into Neurofeedback Therapy? Is that something the RTC would provide, do you think? I know several younger kids (in the 5-10 year-old range) who had several sessions and it really changed their lives for the better, at an age that made such a difference for them.

My own adult (37) son who was diagnosed with BPD almost 18 months ago has been undergoing NFT sessions for almost 17 months now, and we've seen immense improvements in him. If he were to be diagnosed right now, I doubt he'd be diagnosed with the ADD, Depression, Suicidal Ideations, Substance Abuse/Addictions (he's been clean and sober for almost 18 months now), or BPD. He's still suffering from Social Anxiety, but it isn't life-changing or harmful to him; he's just leery of venturing out into the cold, cruel world right now in a major way. It'll get better, I'm sure... .

What I'm fully believing right now is that had ADD been a diagnosis for him when he was 5-10 (and there was no such thing as that in the '80's), and had he been able to undergo NFT in those days (and I don't think it was around, at least in a major way in those days), the BPD would never have blossomed in him as a result of the torture he underwent in school, and on the school bus, because of his undiagnosed ADD. Had he been able to "fit in" better with the rest of the world in those days, his life would have been remarkably different.

I know it; my own niece started showing signs of ADD by the age of 4 or so, and I talked my sister into having her diagnosed and treated for it. She was: she saw a Psychiatrist and Neurofeedback Therapist (this was now in the '90's) for a couple of years at that young age, and she aced school and is now working on being an Environmentalist and is doing so well as a 23-year-old. I've seen it also with the son of some friends (same story; he seemed so much like my son when he was young that I talked them into having him diagnosed and treated), and the kids of people I didn't even know but they contacted me for advice and information.

I know your son has way more problems than just ADD (and mine did, too; we just didn't have names for them), but I really think that Neurofeedback Therapy might be something to look into for him. Is there a chance that he could be evaluated for that? I can't encourage you enough to at least find out... .Good luck, ProfDaddy. I so hope and pray that your son (and your family) finds some peace and happiness at last   

[HealingSpirit]

ProfDaddy,

Your son is so very lucky to have your steadfast love and support, no matter what!   

It must be so difficult to deal with such a troubled little guy, and to not even be able to have him live at home!  I hope they find the right kind of treatment for him so he can eventually come home.  You sound like such a patient, supportive, dedicated dad!

Rapt Reader,

Thank you for sharing the info about NFT.  I wonder if my DD would be open to trying it.  She is too focused on moving away to think about anything else, which is frustrating by itself, especially since now she's claiming she doesn't need any meds or therapy.  Even so, I remain hopeful for a open "window" where she may be receptive to receiving treatment again.

They just opened an NFT office next to our regular family doctor, and SHE recommended it.  I may go try it for myself.   

[jellibeans]

dear profdaddy

Thanks for the update. I am sorry you are still struggling. It has been an endless battle so I do think it has taken it's toll on your whole family. What is going on with you daughter? I would think things would be better for her since her brother is out of the house.

I think it I were in your situation I would try to think back to a year and half ago... .things were pretty bad then for your family when your son was home. The stress seemed unbearable. Maybe this can help you see that although you are still facing struggles thing have improved. I think it is important to put things into prespective. Do't be hard on yourself. You are a good dad and you are doing all you can for you son.

What are some thing you can do to help your relationship with your W? Can you two get away for the weekend? Take a break... .a small vacation? Take care of yourself... .

[ProfDaddy]

My D13 is finally getting the support she needs, but has some growing up to do.  Emotionally, she functions as a much younger child.  My new wife and I have been helping her work through this, with a qualified therapist... .but didn't get to the top of the waiting list until a bit over a month ago.  The stress of that dynamic is breaking up my new family.  New wife is constantly stressed, explosive, and has lost hope.  Life, as usual, is a royal mess. 

[jellibeans]

profdaddy

I know your W has been at this point may times before... .what has helped in the past to get through these hard times? There has to be something to relieve the stress for you both.

[ProfDaddy]

We have indeed been in this spot many times before.  It is happening more frequently lately.  So, there isn't much that has helped us through this before, since we're still in it.

Things have gotten worse, wife wants daughter and I to move out immediately, to a hotel.  She also wants me to blame D13 in front of her.  She is threatening to change the locks next time we leave the house.  All this started this morning when I was helping D13 process some rude behavior and consequences from last night. 

[jellibeans]

I am so sorry profdaddy... .you are in a tough spot for sure. I hope you can get through it okay. Sending a hug your way and I really hope things improve for you all.

[HealingSpirit]

Oh boy, your situation sounds so hard!  I'm so sorry!  It sounds like the stress of the situation is taking its toll on everybody, but your wife isn't able to handle it very well.  I think if I were in your shoes, I'd feel like I was being pulled apart in 3 different directions!

Jellibeans asked you a great question.  What helped to re-connect you before when you've all been under this kind of stress and breakdown?  Flowers?  A mushy card?  Perfume?  A weekend away, for just the two of you?  How does your wife respond to your listening with empathy and validation? 

I can give you my female perspective on this. Maybe it will help?  When my DH and I have been in breakdown, it really helps ME when he comes forward with a card or some kind of gesture that reminds me he loves me.  He has Aspergers, so sometimes, I actually have to ASK him directly to do this for me (which is hard when I'm mad) because he doesn't think of it on his own.  But, it does help me to re-connect with the love that drew us together in the first place.  Perhaps your wife would respond if you somehow reminded her of the love you share that brought you together.  And for me, I like to hear specifically exactly what it is DH loves about ME.  I like to know WHY he loves me, over everybody else.  Does this make sense?

Hang in there.  Maybe things will quiet down with a little break.  Let us know how it goes, okay?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders