Where do I go from here?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have been NC with my sisters for a few months now.  My mother is not happy about this, but I have felt a sense of freedom.  To her credit, my mother does not pester me about it, but does share news with me about them after she has talked with them.  I do wish that I could have a better relationship with them and wish I had found this board before I went NC with them.  As a person of faith, I do wonder sometimes if I did the wrong thing by going NC.  Mostly, I believe that I needed some time to just get healthy myself and gain a better perspective on dealing with them.  So, I don't know if anyone knows an appropriate way to get back in contact with BP family members after establishing NC.  I am not in a rush.  I do wonder how the holidays will go.  I will not see them as they live out of state and will not travel here, but there is usually a fair amount of communication and present exchange over the holidays and at this point I don't know if I'll participate or not.  I imagine any relationship I have with them in the future will be superficial and I would almost rather have nothing. 

[Barbara Smith]

I have been NC with my sisters for a few months now.  My mother is not happy about this, but I have felt a sense of freedom.  To her credit, my mother does not pester me about it, but does share news with me about them after she has talked with them.  I do wish that I could have a better relationship with them and wish I had found this board before I went NC with them.  As a person of faith, I do wonder sometimes if I did the wrong thing by going NC.  Mostly, I believe that I needed some time to just get healthy myself and gain a better perspective on dealing with them.  So, I don't know if anyone knows an appropriate way to get back in contact with BP family members after establishing NC.  I am not in a rush.  I do wonder how the holidays will go.  I will not see them as they live out of state and will not travel here, but there is usually a fair amount of communication and present exchange over the holidays and at this point I don't know if I'll participate or not.  I imagine any relationship I have with them in the future will be superficial and I would almost rather have nothing. 

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Barbara

It is quite a step to take to go NC with someone and I am sure you did not choose it lightly. I also am a person of faith and I try to be guided by good morals and conscience. I find BPD can be very tricky as it falls into so many grey areas. I just try and trust that my motives are for peace and I try to remember I am just trying to do my best and forgive myself for the times I make mistakes (so often!)

If you believe you may have done the wrong thing by going NC then it is good that you have decided to review the situation - quite mature actually. You also mention a sense of freedom that you have had since. This is also worth bearing in mind.

As far as appropriate methods for changing your communication status that really is up to you. I guess I would try and look carefully at what I wanted to gain from it. Am I thinking of old happy memories and missing the contact? Am I expecting that they will have improved? More importantly, am I willing to respect myself and work communication in a way that makes me happy?

You mention at the end of your post

  I imagine any relationship I have with them in the future will be superficial and I would almost rather have nothing. 

It seems you are already leaning towards continuing in NC. Is there anything in particular that has happened to make you think your r/ships with these family members will or has changed? Are you feeling some kind of pressure at all?

I would be curious as to your thoughts and what has been bringing you to review your situation

Ziggiddy

[HappyChappy]

Would be interested in know why you went NC and why you want to get back in touch.  Also your point about having faith interests. Are you worried about religions emphasis on the family, or that they are an integral part of the religious festivals ? I was also was brought up with the faith, but my BPD used it against me to instil F.O.G.  So my take is I’ll honour the person that acts like a mother , honour the actions not the words.

I went NC to heal my PTSD as my BPDm knows how to trigger it. I got back in touch (9 month on) because I'd had reports she's not looking after my Dad. It took 3 attempts because my BPDm has always controlled the communication, forbids my dad from communicating directly. She demanded I phoned her weekly, I offered to e-mail. So eventually me and my Dad have been allowed to e-mail, as and when. To be honest, I don't want anymore than just e-mails, but my BPDm won't stand for that.

I would recommend being clear on what you want out of your relationship with you sisters. Set some boundaries out. A BPD will be looking to win the argument (i.e. NC is your fault), so expect hostility. Expect a BPD to go back to they way they were fairly quickly after re-connecting. But if you attempt to re-connect, they’ll be expecting you back so don’t go there until you’re ready. Stick to those boundaries without exception. Hence the need to get this all straight before you go back into battle.

[P.F.Change]

Mostly, I believe that I needed some time to just get healthy myself and gain a better perspective on dealing with them.  So, I don't know if anyone knows an appropriate way to get back in contact with BP family members after establishing NC. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for space in a relationship. From what you wrote, it sounds like you have been using this time to work on healing and skill-building, and that seems like a positive thing to me. I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like your decision for no contact was meant to be vindictive or punitive in any way.

I can understand the conflict you are feeling. My faith is extremely important to me, too, and I have not had any direct contact with my mother in about three years now. There are a lot of ideas about love and forgiveness in Christianity that can be difficult to reconcile with estrangement. Do you mind my asking which faith you adhere to? It may help you to talk with someone whose advice you trust such as a pastor or friend. My pastor has been understanding and given me good advice on how to pray. At this point, I feel I have forgiven my parents and accepted that they are who they are. I have done the work so that I feel pretty neutral about my mother rather than terrified or angry, and if I ran into her at a family event or something I would be ok with it. Still, I do not want to be close with her and am not interested in pursuing deeper contact with her, and I don't feel badly about that. It is likely I will need to be in more regular contact at some point as my parents are getting older and are not in very good physical health, either.

In my case, I decided to try limited communications with my father about a year ago. I did have some anxiety about how to resume contact with him, but ultimately decided to pick a morning when I felt centered and try giving him a call. He was very happy to hear from me, expecting everything to go back to the way it was before NC. Right now there is some tension because seeing me (well, I have the feeling it's more about seeing my children) in person is a high priority for him, while I am not enthusiastic about that. I am happy just talking on the phone and exchanging very neutral cards with my parents for holidays, etc. I have stated my boundaries and will continue to do so because I feel good about having some limited connection to him, still I recognize the reality that he is not able to understand them and wants things to be different.

The others have some good questions for you. I would also ask, what kind of communication with your sisters would feel good to you? How often would you like to be in touch, and in what way (e.g., e-mail, phone, cards, etc.)? Also, my therapist was very helpful in helping me decide how to resume contact and when. Do you have a therapist of your own you can talk to?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Barbara Smith]

Thank you all so much.  All of your comments and questions are very helpful.  I do believe that I need to be strong and clear on boundaries before I would renew contact.  I know that part of the reason I would consider it is for my mom's sake.  I know it would mean a lot to her if I were connected with them.  I am going to focus on my motives being for peace, they are, and on healing.  I am a Christian and I do think about how going NC fits in with my faith.  I am just hoping that eventually God will show me what to do if there's a better way to handle this.  When I go over it calmly and rationally, I believe that they would react in a hostile way if I did contact them, so I don't see how that would be a good idea. We have had good times in the past and with the holidays approaching, I do miss the old happy memories.  I also think the advice to talk to someone about all of this is good.  That will be my next step.  I do appreciate all of the comments and suggestions so much.  They are so helpful and encouraging to me.