Unique BPD Perspective Appreciated

[Hope0807]

As the reeling and healing "Non", I've read a ton that constantly reminds me of the "disease/disorder", THEIR "…overwhelming desire to just be loved, never abandoned…" and the Non requirement to have utmost patience and consideration for "their" needs etc., etc. 

Of course it's too late for me to try any of the coping recommendations, I found out about his BPD & substance abuse literally as I was out on the door on my to divorce - so reading stuff like this taps into my sense of enormous guilt.  I have to continuously, on a moment-by-moment basis remind myself of his gross neglect of MY needs and his extreme measures of horrid cruelty he inflicted on me while he was painting me black.  I stumbled upon the quote below from a professional who fervently disregards most of the information written about BPD being something the rest of us should accept as a sad, misunderstood disorder that we should all just develop more of patience toward.  I found this guy's quote below rather soothing.  I actually chuckled inside and cracked a small smile while reading it.  What are your thoughts?

"Another significant area of conflict I experienced in the mental health field was in respect to the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), or, the more accurately labeled, “dangerous ass that should be avoided like the plague.”

[JohnLove]

Hello Hope0807, yeah you are OK in feeling like you do.

... .and yeah I had a smile (and a chuckle inside) after reading the professionals comment.

One thing I have found interesting is that some people seem to have an inborn inherent rejection of pwBPD. Once they are around them even for a few minutes these people are rejected or "junked" from their lives?... .They do not even engage with them. It's like an extra sensory perception. I do not know if they are even conscious to it. It's more like an extremely negative vibe they receive.

They are painted black by a non?... .WOW!.

What's wrong with US?... . 

[drummerboy]

A friend of mine who is a therapist said: "50 years ago we called these people asss, now we give them a name, BPD." Along the lines of your quote!

[fromheeltoheal]

What a borderline is, is someone who is terrified of abandonment full time, convinced it will happen, and probably has more than a few references to back that up.  Anyone wired like that will do whatever they can to avoid that abandonment, whether they are consciously aware of it or not, and one of the paradoxes of the disorder is the behaviors that come out of that terror drive people away, creating a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Anyway.  We go into relationships wanting the best for our partners, focusing on their needs, and it's natural for even the most kind-hearted among us to eventually wonder where's mine?  Borderlines are extremely needy, so there's not much chance of us getting our needs met in these relationships, as most here can attest.  But being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness is new for most of us, and when we become unknowingly enmeshed with that pathology it can really do a number on us, make us doubt ourselves, create trauma that lasts a while.  And if we're honest we made our mistakes in the relationship too.  Anger is a healthy response to abuse, and it feels good to beat up the evil borderline once we leave, it's a normal part of healing, just be assured there are other stages and that anger will wane, maybe to be replaced with compassion and/or forgiveness one day.  In the meantime, dangerous ass will do, but we can also do ourselves a favor by looking at our part in the proceedings.

[drummerboy]

What a brilliant post! Yes, after the anger comes the time to have a good look at ourselves and also to have pity and compassion for our exBPD. As hard as it sounds sometimes, forgiveness is the key to finding our peace and moving on. I now wish my ex well, sure I still seethe at the way she ended it, but I feel sad knowing that because of our relationship I have started a journey of getting to know the real me yet she will probably never take that journey and be stuck in her hell until she dies, that's when I feel compassion for her.

What a borderline is, is someone who is terrified of abandonment full time, convinced it will happen, and probably has more than a few references to back that up.  Anyone wired like that will do whatever they can to avoid that abandonment, whether they are consciously aware of it or not, and one of the paradoxes of the disorder is the behaviors that come out of that terror drive people away, creating a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Anyway.  We go into relationships wanting the best for our partners, focusing on their needs, and it's natural for even the most kind-hearted among us to eventually wonder where's mine?  Borderlines are extremely needy, so there's not much chance of us getting our needs met in these relationships, as most here can attest.  But being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness is new for most of us, and when we become unknowingly enmeshed with that pathology it can really do a number on us, make us doubt ourselves, create trauma that lasts a while.  And if we're honest we made our mistakes in the relationship too.  Anger is a healthy response to abuse, and it feels good to beat up the evil borderline once we leave, it's a normal part of healing, just be assured there are other stages and that anger will wane, maybe to be replaced with compassion and/or forgiveness one day.  In the meantime, dangerous ass will do, but we can also do ourselves a favor by looking at our part in the proceedings.

[Hope0807]

"Beating up the borderline" and assumption of lingering in the anger phase is quite a stretch to make from the sharing of a professional's opinion that pwBPD are "dangerous asss".  Anger completely aside, quite factually the majority of published professional and personal evidence proves exactly that, all too often…they ARE! 

Not at all a newbie to what a borderline is.  My part in the proceedings are being firmly evaluated, no doubt about it.  Not a single waking moment passes in this healing process that I'm not awakening my entire world to how and why the hell I got sucked into and stayed with someone so terribly troubled.  I get it now.  Wow.  My lens from which I view the world is forever altered.  I've also cycled through all the stages of grief and back again.  A moment of appreciation for a small quote that briefly loosens the life- threatening chokehold the person with BPD has placed on my livelihood and beautiful soul does not indicate a lack of compassion or forgiveness - now, or later.  So yes, in the meantime and at many, many, many other moments, "dangerous ass" will MORE than do.  It will be will my and many others' long overdue tiny tidbit of celebration in survival. 

[Hope0807]

JohnLove,

Yes, you are SO right!  I want to meet some of those people who have an "inborn inherent rejection of pwBPD."  In hindsight, I DO remember those few who steered firmly clear of my pwBPD.  I'm working very hard on myself to acquire that "extra sensory perception" moving forward.

Hello Hope0807, yeah you are OK in feeling like you do.

... .and yeah I had a smile (and a chuckle inside) after reading the professionals comment.

One thing I have found interesting is that some people seem to have an inborn inherent rejection of pwBPD. Once they are around them even for a few minutes these people are rejected or "junked" from their lives?... .They do not even engage with them. It's like an extra sensory perception. I do not know if they are even conscious to it. It's more like an extremely negative vibe they receive.

They are painted black by a non?... .WOW!.

What's wrong with US?... . 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, it must be very challenging for mental health professionals who get to interact with many borderlines, and that somewhat unprofessional label is a testament to just how challenging treating them must be, and how low the success rate is.  Fortunately we only had to deal with one, one was more than enough for me, and my lens is altered too, for the better.  May we all find a peace that will probably forever elude our borderline exes.

[Hopeless777]

What a borderline is, is someone who is terrified of abandonment full time, convinced it will happen, and probably has more than a few references to back that up.  Anyone wired like that will do whatever they can to avoid that abandonment, whether they are consciously aware of it or not, and one of the paradoxes of the disorder is the behaviors that come out of that terror drive people away, creating a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Anyway.  We go into relationships wanting the best for our partners, focusing on their needs, and it's natural for even the most kind-hearted among us to eventually wonder where's mine?  Borderlines are extremely needy, so there's not much chance of us getting our needs met in these relationships, as most here can attest.  But being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness is new for most of us, and when we become unknowingly enmeshed with that pathology it can really do a number on us, make us doubt ourselves, create trauma that lasts a while.  And if we're honest we made our mistakes in the relationship too.  Anger is a healthy response to abuse, and it feels good to beat up the evil borderline once we leave, it's a normal part of healing, just be assured there are other stages and that anger will wane, maybe to be replaced with compassion and/or forgiveness one day.  In the meantime, dangerous ass will do, but we can also do ourselves a favor by looking at our part in the proceedings.

Well... .it's all the same isn't it? My pwBPD turned 50 and said, " I've only got a few more good years left and you're going to leave me anyway, so why not go now?" I've been completely faithful for 28 years and she says this? So after a DV incident (police arrested her), one year of T individually and couples, three recycles, countless nights sleeping in another room in terror, I gave her what she said she wanted, but of course she begged and pleaded over weeks for me to come home. No freakin way... .I'm not going to jail on some trumped up charge. But God I miss the good times... .but I still remember all the really really awful times. Paradox on paradox. What a terrible existence.