I don't know if I should stay or go

I posted my story in the Introduction area, but I will repeat it here. I have been married for 26 years and have been with my husband for 30 years. We have two teenagers at home. He is a very unemotional person except when it comes to showing anger. Love, affections and empathy are nearly non-existent... .especially empathy. He never showed much empathy in all the time I known him. He is not someone you go to for comfort. Eight years ago he started getting moody and strange and his drinking got crazy. He was drinking about 1.75 liters of vodka a day. He became verbally and emotionally abusive to me and the kids. We were always walking on eggshells around him. He had a porn addiction and later I discovered he had an affair. I think we survived that few years because he was gone almost all the time for the military.

I was a Stay-at-home mom with two young kids back then and didn't want to break up the family. We decided to try to work on the marriage. He ended up retiring and we moved far away from the other woman. Life started to get a little better, but his drinking continued. We went to Marriage Counseling and the counselor said only if we both stop drinking would our relationship possibly survive. I drank a few glasses of wine a day, but I quit to help my husband quit. He told me he quit. He lied. He wasn't taking retirement well. He started trying out for everything. He ran for political office, he applied for jobs he wasn't qualified for, he started hoarding and buying crap at auctions. He was sneaking off to Casinos and spending who knows how much money. He got elected to office at the American Legion but was ousted out of the group for irritating everybody. He can be very personable when he wants to and trick people into trusting him... .but he cannot keep up the facade and eventually pisses everybody off.

Eventually he got a DUI. He got a year probation with mandatory AA meetings. He would play the part of a good AA member, but I know he never worked the twelve steps. He just said he did. He went to individual counseling and conned the counselor into thinking his DUI was an aberration. He can smooth talk anybody for a short time.

He was sober while he was being drug tested, but as soon as that was over I think he was back at it. I start concentrating on my children and try to ignore him when he is drunk. Luckily he slept when he drank and as long as I ignored him there was no conflict. As soon as I ask for him to get counseling he will go ballistic on me and twist everything back onto me... .I'm crazy (I suffer from depression), I'm a drug addict (I take one antidepressant a day), I am a gold digger (I buy my clothing at Goodwill or Wal-Mart. I don't own jewelry and I have two pairs of shoes... .I don't know what he is talking about). Whenever I bring up the subject of marriage counseling he gets either quiet and won't talk to me or gets angry. He did go to marriage counseling but he would get mad at me in sessions and I would clam up. He then blamed me for not having a productive session. He told me if I wanted to go again I would have to pay for it out of the family food allowance. And that is what I did... .but things didn't get better.

Two months ago he gets another DUI and is facing severe penalties and jail time. I told him not to come home and stay with a family member because I was having a freaking nervous breakdown. He was furious at me, but he did not come home. Right before the DUI he told me, "I got an email from work. I have to get there asap!" Then I find out he was drunk an hour later and arrested. So I look for that email on his computer and I find him corresponding with a woman. The conversations was not sexual and mainly AA related, but he never told me about this woman. I look through the emails and she asked some people at work if they can help her fix something on her farm. My husband was like, "I will! Where do you live!" This was two weeks before his DUI. If he told me he was going to a coworkers house I think I would be cool with that, or at least send one of my sons with him... .but he hid his friendship with this woman.

When I asked him about her he said, "I have never been alone with her. I just saw her at work parties twice." He didn't know I read all his emails and emailed her. She told me he had been to her farm to do some work since he said he knew small engine repair and she needed help with her lawnmower. She said her teen children were always at the house and the only time alone they had was they went on a few walks to talk about his alcohol problem.

That is all fine and dandy but he denied he had been to her house and barely knew her... .until I told him I already talked to her. Then he said, "I told you I was at her house. I don't know why you keep getting things wrong and twist my words."

I said, "I am filing for divorce." And I went to the court house to get the paperwork. I was tired of his constant lies. He is a compulsive liar.

He goes into detox and then calls me and says, "I was told that I may be able to get into a two year sobriety program instead of going to jail... .but I was told I have a better chance of getting in if I am married and don't have divorce papers pending." I am fairly sure that is a lie, but I held off filing.

He gets into a rehab program and he is charming the pants off everybody in the group. They think he is wonderful. He will be in the family group with me and say he wants to work on the marriage and he wants to be sober and keep on his path to sobriety.

As soon as we are out of the meeting he starts telling me all types of excuses for not wanting to continue on step two of the rehab (not a requirement for his sobriety program). I was very disappointed.

I told him we still need to work out our issues for the marriage. I told him I sent up a counseling appointment for me, but the counselor is willing to meet with him to help us work on our communication. He gets really really quiet. I asked him if he would go. He said, "I have to think about it." When I asked him if he wants to work on the marriage he gets angry and yells, "Of course I do!" In a really sarcastic tone of voice.

I am at the point where I know I can't go on like this. I am sure he conned all of his rehab group into thinking he is really into sobriety and fixing his relationships, but when we are not around them he says the opposite.

I was heartbroken when he did not want to go to Marriage Counseling. He knows how much his secret little friendship hurt me. I don't care if they weren't having a romantic relationship... .he knew he was wrong and he hid his relationship with her from me. Then he lied about it.

I don't know what to do. I am going to the counselor as individual counseling. If he doesn't want a say as to whether I stay or leave... .well, I guess I can't force him.

When I write this he sounds like a horrible monster, but he can put on that fake charm on me and convince me of his sincerity, but his actions don't mirror his words. He is all talk. I can't believe he is willing to tear up his family because he doesn't want a counselor telling him his actions are wrong.

I don't have to make a decision right away. He did get into the sobriety program, but it is only available to people who live in the county that he got the DUI. Since he was living with his family member starting the day after the DUI he changed his address so he would be eligible. The bottom line is he cannot drive for a year (he may be able to get a restricted license) and he cannot overnight in any home but that specific relative. So he cannot come home to his family other than for short visits for two years.

So now I am looking at a two year separation with a man I do not trust. I want to work on our trust issues, but he doesn't want to.

I am going to go see the counselor for help... .but I don't have much hope for this marriage. I fear my family will soon be torn apart. I should have left eight years ago. I know! I'm an enabling co-dependent Stay-at-home-mom.

I guess my question is: Is there a way to convince him to work on our marriage without threatening him with divorce or guilting him into it? He is either BPD or NPD or a little of both. He is very book smart and just got a job with the college (I doubt they know about this last DUI. He was hired a few weeks prior to the second DUI. They do know about the first and I think that is why the permanent position promised to him was suddenly and unexpectedly given to somebody else).

I don't want to try to manipulate him like he does me, but I don't know how to proceed.



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