Handling sibling issues

[lever.]

I am not sure I can do anything at all about this but I am wondering how other parents deal with non contact between siblings.

My daughters have had a falling out and not been in contact for months.

I have to say that in my opinion the fall out was caused almost entirely by the actions of DD with BPD-although from her perspective she felt her sister had been disloyal to her.

I think this is not actually the case but have tried to validate the feelings.

Other daughter says she has completely had enough now and NC is the only way.

I have coped so far by seeing them separately and not discussing it-but several family "occasions" are coming up soon and I think they will both wish to be at my house but will not want to see each other.

I will find it extremely difficult to tell anyone they can't be here.

I do feel a sense of divided loyalty and really feel that I am not being very supportive of the daughter who I feel is the victim-but they are both my daughters and I love them both.

Any ideas?

I have sort of posted about this before but it keeps coming back.

I hate having this situation in my family.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

I do have a similar situation in my family, where most times BPD Son doesn't want to be around his non-BPD Brother and his uBPD Wife. Non-BPD Son and his Wife don't want to see BPD Son, either.

Instead of ever telling either one of them that they can't be here or there, I just let them each know of the event and let them decide if they will attend or not. Generally speaking, if one or the other will be somewhere, the other(s) won't come. It's all actually amiable, though; no one yells and screams that the other can't come, but it does separate the family during get-togethers 

I have decided not to be the one making the decision of who will attend what function; I let the siblings (but it's really up to uBPD D-I-L; if she didn't object to BPD Son, they would all get along actually) decide and I stay out of it.

One difference in our situations, though, is that these functions aren't happening at my home. BPD Son lives with us, and non-BPD Son & uBPD D-I-L will never come over here because D-I-L refuses to "expose" my young grandchild to our "toxic family" because of BPD Son being here. It is what it is, but we've just had to accept it... .Our grandchild (going on 2) has never seen his grandparents' home... .

[suchsadness]

Hi Lever, 

I too have this same situation happening... .both of my dd's have reached a point where they don't want to and/or can't be around each other.  Like Rapt Reader, I let them know what the plans are and tell them they are welcome to come and I understand if they don't.  I don't put myself in a position to choose to ask one over the other, they both get the exact same information and the decision is theirs.  When one asks if the other will be there I say "she is invited but I don't know if she will come or not, it's up to her".  I have been working really hard at staying out of the middle of their drama ever since a huge blowup last March where my BPD dd ended up going no contact with me.  It is really sad as a parent to see the family divided especially since my family/siblings are all very close and spend a lot of time together. 

I have come to terms with the fact that the issues they have with each other is their problem and I can't fix it.  I hope you can come to a place where it isn't causing you anxiety as well.  Hang in there and take care of yourself along the way.   

[lever.]

Thank-you both,

I have really realized that I can't do much about it but unfortunately it isn't very amicable.

If they hear the other one is at my house they react like I'm having an illicit affair! One gets to the edge of raging the other becomes tearful ( she actually misses the kids a lot).

I have tried SET with both and made it clear that I will be keeping a relationship with both of them.

Eldest daughter wants to stay here for two weeks while she is moving house.

I know other daughter will want to visit during that period as there is a "special" occasion.

Can only be honest with them and let them decide for themselves-but it is stressful.

When it is about other people's relationship I guess radical acceptance is the way forward.

[jessmomof8]

I am already worried about this.  My 17yo feels like she needs to move out THE minute she turns 18 just so she can get away from my BPD 14yo.  After that I'm afraid that she will separate herself from family events because she knows my 14yo will be here.  :-(  My 17yo is seeing her own therapist, I'm hoping at some point she will be able to at least be in the same room with her without being incredibly angry.