Hi Im new here

[infiniteeyes]

Hi there everyone. Well Ive been using this site for reading material for probably over a year now at this stage, but only tonight taken the step to register to post my story. Firstly, I would like to say how much Ive welcomed reading about other peoples lives and how much insight it has given me and I would like to give a heartfelt thank you for that. My story is so long and intricate that I will just keep it short and stick to the facts as they are at the moment for now.

Well, my beautiful DD is 15 now. Im a single mum and have another much younger child in the house also. Well when I first took her to seek help was when she was 12. At that time I had caught her in the act of vomiting out the window of her bedroom in the company of one of her friends at the time. When I questioned her on it she told me she had been getting sick alot, and after every meal. Took her to GP who told me she was bulimic and referred her to mental health services in my town. She was treated for a little while before I was told she was not bulimic but there were other things going on and she was referred to a psychiatrist.

Over the course of the next few years, things have just snowballed to the point Im at now where I just feel like Ive lost all control. Soon after her starting to see her psych, her behaviour which was never perfect, went from bad to worse. She was totally defiant at home, but still doing ok in school. She is also an extremely bright and smart girl. We continued to see her psych once sometimes twice a week.  She then started with the suicidal gestures and ideation. She was put on some medication which just seemed to make her sleep in the short term and her behaviour worsened in the long term. Then came last year where she was hospitalized on the childrens ward only, for suicidal ideation and gestures. It was only a way to contain her really and keep her safe during a crisis. Then after one almost critical overdose (on her own meds) where she ended up in ICU for a night, she was referred to an adolescent secure psych ward, where she spend 10 days. It was here we finally got a diagnosis of Emergent BPD. Like I said, Im trying to keep this as short as possible, but its not easy!

To where we are today. She was discharged from her psych and started to see a psychologist instead, enrolled in a DBT course which definately helped for a while. Social services became involved and I jumped through all the hoops, completing every class and course which we were signed up for. This has all being going on for over 3 years now. Now that she is 15, she is doing drugs, tells me all the time she wants to die, nearly got kicked out of school several times. At times I am all to blame. Other times it is not me but her. She rages, calls me every name under the sun, runs away. You name it. Ive had the police out to my home several times when she has took off and I cant be sure where she is or if she is safe. She self harms, by cutting her arms.

At one point last year we were looking at sending her to a secure unit for adolescents in a different part of the country, hours away. I hated the idea and still do. With a lot of hard work and dedication we were able to prevent that from happening, but right now we're back where we were and Im just at my wits end and dont know what to do. She is back taking drugs at every oppurtunity, she is currently barred from leaving the house. She is self harming again, doing aerosols again at home. I have now cleared the house of all blades and spray cans. After which, Im at a loss. She is depressed and talks of suicide. I have tried lecturing her, punishing her, killing her with kindness. I have spent hours upon hours just talking to her, listening to her, trying to reason with her. Loving her.  Tonight I have just ran out of steam. What do you do when the time for talking is over?

Great example of how theres no talking to my DD. We havent spoken much today because last night I just found out she did aerosols again, but this time with my friends son, who is asthmatic and had just had an operation on his adenoids.He also has mild aspergers... I didnt get mad at my DD, just stated the facts as they were told me. Of course she immediately said he had done it before, and he was telling lies and she hates liars.And that he is a " please read               |" I said but you are also a liar, she asked me how. I listed out a few recent lies re. her drug use etc. She said yes, but I hate myself too. To which I replied I know you do, that makes perfect sense, Im sorry you feel that way.  So we hadnt spoken all day apart from me checking in to ask if she was ok and to tell her food was ready. Then I went out for a cigarette and she followed me out and said "we havent spoken much today, have we?" I said "No, I dont want to argue". She said "I dont want to start a fight". I told her how disgusted I am with her behaviour re my friends boy, and how irresponsible it was... I told her how dangerous it was for my friends son and how he could die. I asked her how would she feel then. She said "I would die too" .

She said how sorry she was and I said I know your sorry but at some point apologies dont cut it anymore when you keep repeating the same behaviour over and over. She said how can I make it up, I said she cant. (keep in mind we have this EXACT conversation after EVERY mistake she makes, but nothing actually changes) I said for goodness sake, start taking ownership of her bad decisions and start thinking about what your about to do. She said "Leave it to me, okay?"

So we're walking back in the house and Im thinking, that wasnt too bad, at least it didnt end in a roaring match, and just to reassure her I say, "i do love you, you know that" . Then she turns around and says "so you say". Puts her dinner in the bin, says Ive lost my appetite and retreats back up to the room. Is it any wonder I don't see the point in bothering to speak to her anymore?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[loveandcare]

 

The worst thing about parenting a BPD teen is that you are dealing with two things at once - the emergent BPD and the teen. Teens who are completely mentally stable (is that an oxymoron?  ) (such as my older DD) can be hostile and disrespectful at the best of times... .mix that into a BPD personality and you have a recipe for chaos and disaster.

One thing that is helping me is to really try to recognize the emotional limitations of the BPD teen. As adults we expect our children to begin to develop a sense of self awareness that starts to embrace responsibilities and acceptance of the rights and boundaries of others. With the BPD teen, this appears (from my experience) to be extremely limited in development. Also, again from my experience, the insight of the BPD teen is next to nothing. Hence, trying to use the same rationalization as you would with a "normal" teen seems to swim right over her head.

I have been reading about the S.E.T. method that you may want to look into. As a single parent I can only imagine the frustration. I pull my hair out sometimes and I have a DH I can turn to.

Out of interest, where do you live - you have used a lot of British phrases mixed in with some American phrases 

Keep posting! If nothing else, it is a great place to vent. Feel free to contact me privately if you want to... .our DDs sound quite similar! 

[js friend]

Hi Infiniteeyes 


Iam so glad that youve have taken the plunge to join us.

You shouldnt worry about keeping your post short. The more we understand about your current circumstances the more we can try to help... .and besides that where else would you find a group of people who are perhaps going through the same  things?  Unbelievable is the word!. If i told anyone at the time i was going through  no-one believed me... .even her P and T didnt believe much of what I was saying and said my dd was just trying to assert her independence and I still have a few  family members who still say my dd is only still a bit immature and will grow out of it.

As loveandcare has stated using  SET helps when communicating with pwBPD.  Using validation has also saved the r/s between me and my dd. Its also  important to take care of ourselves when we are under so much stress.No one understands better than us here how  a child with BPD can just drain us emotionally.

I also undertook a teen behaviour course that didnt work at all with my dd, and it wasnt till i started using the tools on this site that i began to see a dramatic improvement as regards to our communication.

It must be so hard having a little one experiencing all this too.I have always been grateful in that respect that dd is my youngest, but even so my older children have still been  affected growing in the shadow of my dd BPD. Do you have any family or friends for support?

Is your dd still under the mental health services? If so so they know what is currently going on and what is the plan? You need much more support than you are getting by the sounds of it especially before she reaches her 16th birthday... .and the cut off point for childrens services.

If i were you i would go to my GP  and tell him what is going on at home and ask if you can have some counselling.or medication ... I find talking about these things really helps,(when iam believed) or you can  look up some online mental health charities who may have this service for family,. Iam not on meds  personally, but i have heard other members here say that they have helped them. Another thing to do is make time some time  for just you and  your younger child or spend a day now and again treating yourself. I used to do this when my dds behaviour was at its  worse. I made the concious decision to one day  every weekend doing something me. Often it would involve being out for the whole day to begin with  it was hard to even concentrate on what i was supposed to doing as i was thinking about what dd would/might be getting up to while i was away but then i began to look forward to my days out and enjoy them because my reasoning was dd was going to do those things whether i was there or not.


All the best infiniteeyes and keep posting.!

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you for your kind words of support and yeah, js friend it is very comforting to know there are other people going throught the same things. It is very hard to distinguish between the teen and the BPD but Im getting better at it. The way I would see it I would expect an average rebellious teen to make some poor choices, but the BPD teen seems to make the same poor choices over and over again and learn nothing from it. Its like banging my head against a brick wall. Its as though there is no cognitive thinking going on at all. However my approach is changing and I dont tend to get as upset or angry as I used to. Its almost as though I have been contitioned. I have simply said that she is not to leave the house without me for at least a week. And the social worker backed me up on this. The last time she left the house she got high on "herbal" as they call it and drank vodka. She was sending my text messages that she had enough and saying goodbye. I had to go and get her. Call the guards and bring her to the local after hours medical centre.

I was on medication last year for about 4 months after her serious attempt. I started to get panic attacks and developed anxiety... .Lovely! I was on lexapro for about 4 months but weened myself off it. I still have some valium stashed away (prescribed) but only take them occasionally, last time about 3 months ago.

She is still under the CAHMS service here (Child Adolescent Mental health service) and they truly are angels, they have helped my family so much. Her treatment had been intense at first, but we had major improvements, so they lessened out. They are very aware of recent events however, so we will now be back to seeing them once sometimes twice a week. She gets extra support at school and was assigned an SNA at the end of last year. Her behaviour had deteriorated at school, where she would tell teachers to F off and walk out of the school. In once instance her and another girl, hid in the toilets and cut their wrists, then took themselves off to the hospital. I got a phonecall from school to say they were at the hospital. They then absconded from the ER and guards were called to find them. When they did my daughter told them to F off too!

She was suspended from school last week on her first week back for fighting. She attacked a girl in her class, but says she deserved it! I was gutted as she had been so enthusiastic about going back to school.

All I can hope for is to pick up the pieces (again) and try again for the hundreth time. What else can we do?

I sometimes just feel so hopeless around a setback. It takes alot out of me emotionally and physically. Im sure its not easy on my DD either and my heart breaks for her. She just cant grasp things like other kids her age can. Its so conflicting for me. So I can only imagine how it is for her. Still, at times I feel like she knows what shes doing and doing these things just to rag me!

[mama72]

intiniteeyes-I want to welcome you to the board   , and also say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this. I have a BPDd17, and know how mentally, emotionally, physically exhausting it is raising these children.

Has your daughter ever been in a drug treatment program? Forgive me if I missed this. It sounds imperative that she gets into one. The aerosols abuse is very concerning, horrible things can happen doing this, whether you have asthma or not.

I understand how scary it is knowing that your child is using drugs. It feels as though we will never find peace again, and that can be very defeating. The "one day at a time" motto has been my motto lately, embrace the good day, and deal with the bad day when it comes.

Many members here have had their children in a dual diagnosis program, and if I understand that properly, that means treating the mental illness & drug abuse together. Hopefully, you will get some more input from others about this type of treatment.

Keep your chin up, do something kind for yourself today, and know that the members here are pulling for you and always here to lend a listening ear.

[infiniteeyes]

Hello Mama72

No my daughter has never been placed in a drug programme, even though when we spoke about her drug use it was her who suggested it, but not in an asking for help kind of way , more in a dismissive kind of shirking responsibility way. As in "why dont you put me in drug rehab then" as her way of ending the conversation, thereby saving herself the lecture.

Anyway, today things are back to "normal" again. She has found another boy to hang about with, thankfully he lives nearby and seems a nice kid, ie not into drugs or stealing or drinking!

Things have been good, she is in good form. It is nice to hear her laughing and see her smiling.

Back to school tomorrow after her suspension for fighting, so I am hoping we can get through the day without a phonecall.

Its at that familiar point with me, whenever there is a lull after a storm, which leaves me questioning my own sanity. Did the last few days actually happen?. She has such an uncanny ability to bounce back, I have to admire her for that. For such a young girl, its incredible!  I could learn a lot from that.

[infiniteeyes]

Meant to say we see her psychologist in the morning before school. Im glad we have no crisis to report