DD returns from visit to BF in Midwest - the drama is worse

[Parents! Get help here!]

Well, so much for our plan to give DD a visit to see her BF to take the pressure off! Our idea backfired.

DD and BF have been fighting constantly since he had to move "back home" to the Midwest. She said it was because she missed him so much. (We suspect it has more to do with his jealous, controlling nature.) So, to help their r/s run its course, we suggested she go for a visit, to see where she'll be living if she moves there. She will be giving up so much more than she realizes, so we thought she might reconsider after seeing the contrast between sunny, So Cal's mild climate, and South Dakota's intense weather. And she'll be leaving our nice home where she has her own private bed/bath suite, a pool & jacuzzi, and 3 lovely dogs... .to live in an apartment that does not allow pets. And she'll be leaving her supportive family and friends to live with just him.

She got home this morning about 10:50am and DH was supposed to pick her up. (I work every Saturday, so I could not.) Well, DH was almost an hour late picking her up from LAX airport.   Needless to say, She was already in a terrible, sad mood to begin with because she didn't want to come home, but DH being so late made the situation MUCH worse.  I HATE his "Ass-pergers" and ADD that make him so clueless about his effect on people! He just didn't pay attention to time passing, so it seemed he was late deliberately.

When they got home, DD was angry and yelling because the new droid phone she got wasn't charging. They went to 2 Sprint stores to get it replaced , but to no avail. She'll have to contact Samsung directly. So she was raging before I came downstairs to greet her after her week away. I stood in her doorway to greet her, but she barely noticed I was there. I listened with SET for a few minutes, but it wasn't going anywhere, so I went back upstairs. BIG MISTAKE! 

I didn't sleep well last night, so I was very tired after work. I was trying to take a nap when they got back, but I got up to say hello. It just didn't work out that way. BOY, did she give it to me about that later! She told me she was hurt because I didn't hug her hello and ask about her trip. I validated her feelings, but she wasn't in a receptive state when I went in to greet her. So, I offered to give her a hug and attention now.  NOPE! She only thinks hugs and greetings are meaningful if she doesn't have to ask. So the window on that opportunity closed.

I offered hugs & attention several more times, and she rejected each offer. She did become receptive to me listening to her tell me about her trip... .until BF called. This guy is bad news! He encourages her bad feelings against us, and he sent me a mean, inappropriate, accusatory text ... .to ME!  I replied with a very clear boundary... .from now on, I would be willing to answer questions to help him gain perspective, as long as I deem the issue to be business I am willing to discuss. But, I will no longer respond to mean, accusatory, inappropriate texts from him.

That also went over real well. NOT!  So our quiet week without DD was resumed with even more drama the second she got home.

It is hard to stay hopeful sometimes. -sigh- I get so tired of DH's lack of human skills!

[HealingSpirit]

Well, so much for our plan to give DD a visit to see her BF to take the pressure off! Our idea backfired.

DD and BF have been fighting constantly since he had to move "back home" to the Midwest. She said it was because she missed him so much. (We suspect it has more to do with his jealous, controlling nature.) So, to help their r/s run its course, we suggested she go for a visit, to see where she'll be living if she moves there. She will be giving up so much more than she realizes, so we thought she might reconsider after seeing the contrast between sunny, So Cal's mild climate, and South Dakota's intense weather. And she'll be leaving our nice home where she has her own private bed/bath suite, a pool & jacuzzi, and 3 lovely dogs... .to live in an apartment that does not allow pets. And she'll be leaving her supportive family and friends to live with just him.

She got home this morning about 10:50am and DH was supposed to pick her up. (I work every Saturday, so I could not.) Well, DH was almost an hour late picking her up from LAX airport.   Needless to say, She was already in a terrible, sad mood to begin with because she didn't want to come home, but DH being so late made the situation MUCH worse.  I HATE his "Ass-pergers" and ADD that make him so clueless about his effect on people! He just didn't pay attention to time passing, so it seemed he was late deliberately.

When they got home, DD was angry and yelling because the new droid phone she got wasn't charging. They went to 2 Sprint stores to get it replaced , but to no avail. She'll have to contact Samsung directly. So she was raging before I came downstairs to greet her after her week away. I stood in her doorway to greet her, but she barely noticed I was there. I listened with SET for a few minutes, but it wasn't going anywhere, so I went back upstairs. BIG MISTAKE! 

I didn't sleep well last night, so I was very tired after work. I was trying to take a nap when they got back, but I got up to say hello. It just didn't work out that way. BOY, did she give it to me about that later! She told me she was hurt because I didn't hug her hello and ask about her trip. I validated her feelings, but she wasn't in a receptive state when I went in to greet her. So, I offered to give her a hug and attention now.  NOPE! She only thinks hugs and greetings are meaningful if she doesn't have to ask. So the window on that opportunity closed.

I offered hugs & attention several more times, and she rejected each offer. She did become receptive to me listening to her tell me about her trip... .until BF called. This guy is bad news! He encourages her bad feelings against us, and he sent me a mean, inappropriate, accusatory text ... .to ME!  I replied with a very clear boundary... .from now on, I would be willing to answer questions to help him gain perspective, as long as I deem the issue to be business I am willing to discuss. But, I will no longer respond to mean, accusatory, inappropriate texts from him.

That also went over real well. NOT!  So our quiet week without DD was resumed with even more drama the second she got home.

It is hard to stay hopeful sometimes. -sigh- I get so tired of DH's lack of human skills!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Oh dear... .

seems your  dd was stressed out  before she got home so im sure nothing you did would have been right at that moment Healingspirit. The world would have literally fallen 'off its axis if my dd couldnt get her phone to  work.she says she is lonely without it, so i can imagine what a meltdown your dd was having at the time... .not being able to potentially speak to her beloved... .coupled with having to wait for your DH... .dear, oh dear... .

And idk what the attraction is to these jealous possessive bfs. My guess is that  it makes them feel wanted to have someone controlling them... .yet dd used to accuse me of the same and couldnt wait to leave home... .It really makes no sense and  it must be such an added worry knowing she is willing to give up so much to be with someone like that 









.

[loveandcare]

How old is you DD?

[HealingSpirit]

Thank you JS friend and Loveandcare!   

DD is 17. BF is 22. We don't support their relationship, but we dare not try to stop it either. She turns 18 in October, and has been reminding us daily that "You can't stop me from moving. When I'm 18, I'm out of here!" So all our decisions have been made with the idea that keeping communication with DD open is the top priority.

I'm feeling so discouraged and exhausted today and she's only been home 24 hours. The week she was gone was quiet, pleasant, and drama free for the first time in I don't know how long. I'm about ready to let her go back tomorrow because I don't think I can survive until her birthday next month.

This morning, I woke up to angry voices downstairs. I wanted my morning coffee, but I didn't know if DD had someone over, and I didn't want to walk into the kitchen in my scanty nightie in the presence of company. So, I peered around the corner and discovered it was just DD talking on the phone with the TV on. She immediately yelled at me, "STOP EAVESDROPPING ON MY CONVERSATION,". I honestly wasn't. I just needed coffee. Ouch! I told her this, and I said, "Good morning to you too." I got my coffee and went back upstairs.

I texted her that I wasn't eavesdropping, I just wanted to make sure it was safe for me to enter the kitchen in my little nightie.  Her response was, "I NEED TO GO BACK!  I CAN'T STAND IT HERE!"  So I texted, "That's your way of apologizing?"

We just spent over $1100 so DD could go visit her controlling, jealous, abusive, immature, $11/hour BF halfway across the country for a week. (At least he has a job.)  It feels like gambling because DH and I were not sure what she would take away from the visit, but she is determined to move there to get away from us, so naturally, she LOVES it there!  (We can hardly wait to see what she thinks of a South Dakota winter. She's born & raised in SoCal.)

We are sure that time will play out and end their unhealthy relationship. She'll have to get a job when she moves there. That alone will stress her out. She has only had one job for just under 2 weeks before they let her go. I wonder how BF will take it when she can't keep a job there?

I'm frustrated also because DH and I do not seem to be on the same page about what "support" means. I told DD if she moves there, we won't stop her, but we won't support her because we disagree with the wisdom of the move. DH somehow gave her the idea that she could take his car when she goes. I'm having trouble communicating with either of them lately.

I called our T for an emergency family session, but he's not available. So, I guess I'll just have to call this just me having a bad day. I feel so done! If she hates our home that much, she can leave. I've done my best, and it hurts too much to be accused of abuse and harm daily when there really was none. DH and I will BOTH be paying for his lateness to the airport yesterday for years. She doesn't remember the love and support we just gave her to go visit... .Only the abandonment that DH wasn't there on time. Can't win!

[loveandcare]

OUCH!   I feel your pain. It's so frustrating when they assume the worst and yet your motives are entirely innocent and rational! We hear the same abusive rants from our 14 year old... .I hate you, I can't wait to be 18 so I can leave, I want to be adopted, I don't love you, I've never loved you, I've just pretended to love you all my life, and so on... .

Where did she meet this guy? Our DD met her recent BF at school, until he was expelled... .nothing we said or did could persuade her he wasn't "The ONE" (yes, at 14... .it was going to be a "forever" thing     )... .until he dumped her after forcing her to have sex and leaving her possibly pregnant and suicidal. AGH!

I was wondering - are there conventions or in-person gatherings for parents of BPD kiddos? WHen I read these stories I just think a hug from a fellow parent would make all the world of difference!

Hang in there

[HealingSpirit]

Where did she meet this guy? Our DD met her recent BF at school, until he was expelled... .nothing we said or did could persuade her he wasn't "The ONE" (yes, at 14... .it was going to be a "forever" thing     )... .until he dumped her after forcing her to have sex and leaving her possibly pregnant and suicidal. AGH!

I was wondering - are there conventions or in-person gatherings for parents of BPD kiddos? WHen I read these stories I just think a hug from a fellow parent would make all the world of difference!  

Ironically, DD met him at our house. He was a 22-yo friend of a couple of her 18-yo friends. She had a group of people over for a swim party, and BF22 was among them. DD even had a different BF at the time. My initial impression of BF22 was that he is still very much a teenager. I didn't give him much thought or notice until DD broke up with her other BF and started seeing this guy.  He just happened to be the first car date my DD ever went on because none of her past BFs could drive.  I think she enjoyed the freedom that gave them.

I agree that real-live hugs from you and the other parents would feel so soothing and helpful!    I don't know about any BPD conventions, but if you look up where your local NAMI group meets, maybe you could find some understanding warm bodies to hug there. I tried our local NAMI group for some face-to-face support, but I didn't feel the kind of warmth I was hoping for. Maybe that's just my local branch though. it's worth a shot.

Thanks for listening!

[tristesse]

HealingSpririt,

you always know exactly what to say to me to help in all of my intense situations, that I feel like I am lacking when it comes to offering any advice or comfort to you.

So I will not try and compare my skills to those of a pro, I will simply and sincerely say that I am sorry you had a rough homecoming with your dd. I know how hurtful it can be when your affection is shunned.

I am offering you the comfort of knowing that I understand how you feel. Hugs to you

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Tristesse,

You made me cry! It helps me feel better just knowing my listening and empathy skills really do work sometimes. (Just not with my DD17.). Thank you for understanding me too. You said exactly what I needed to hear today.

[tristesse]

wish I could have done more.