She wants "Romance" while telling me she hates me.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We had a T session last night that went well. She din't like it as it didn't focus on her at all. (It wasn't supposed to this time.)  Lately she has been telling me she hates me more and more. Yet in the same breath practically she then says she wants me to romance her and be sensual and have that kind of romnatic sex.  I have tried to explain that I can't just do that when she is berating me.

How else can I try to explain this?

[Cipher13]

We had a T session last night that went well. She din't like it as it didn't focus on her at all. (It wasn't supposed to this time.)  Lately she has been telling me she hates me more and more. Yet in the same breath practically she then says she wants me to romance her and be sensual and have that kind of romnatic sex.  I have tried to explain that I can't just do that when she is berating me.

How else can I try to explain this?

[Cipher13]

I think she is trying find a way to make the neative feeling she has in her head go away by using sex. Utlimately she wants me to make her feeling change. I get that but how can I talk to her about this in away she might understand?

[Waddams]

I've had a recent major epiphany about expectations and how they impact relationships.  I don't know that I know what's right, but I know in my relationship that has completely crumbled now our expectations definitely weren't right.

Sometimes people have expectations that are legit in a relationship.  Sometimes they don't.  Where they don't, you'll never be able to meet them.

Maybe you could try to talk to her about things from an expecations standpoint?  and see if what she's asking for is reasonable?  or otherwise reasonable but not under certain conditions?

[Surnia]

Yes, for me it was difficult too with sex while everything was wrong and my fault... .

What about communicate your needs in a more positive way and without bringing in her hate?

Like: I would like having more sex with you too. Yes, romantic sex, where I am your hero. You would find me such a great guy and husband. You would whisper nice things in my ear... .

[Moselle]

Perhaps one of Covey's 7 habits might help here.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Understand:

Give her focussed attention, and ask her all sorts of things about her romantic ideas. What she might like, how it would look for her. Help her feel valued and safe with her romantic dreams.

Then help her understand:

That you need to be nurtured and respected, to participate in a romantic way. Help her understand that romance goes two ways (good luck with that one LOL), and that your needs are just as important as hers.

Good luck

[Cipher13]

Perhaps one of Covey's 7 habits might help here.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Understand:

Give her focussed attention, and ask her all sorts of things about her romantic ideas. What she might like, how it would look for her. Help her feel valued and safe with her romantic dreams.

Then help her understand:

That you need to be nurtured and respected, to participate in a romantic way. Help her understand that romance goes two ways (good luck with that one LOL), and that your needs are just as important as hers.

I actually did somethign very similar to this as a "tired everythign else" kind of thing. Her responce to my questions were: "Figure it out. You never follow through anyway".  I have also brought up and still do that its a 2 way street of give affection and reieve affection. Her responce to that: "I'm not doing that because you treat me like crap."

She emailed that she wanted ti to be over. (again).  This time instead of trying to win her back my responce was if thats what you need to be happy then I will give you what you need. This hasn't been getting better between us. She then turned it back to me doing things to make her fall in love again with me.

[Moselle]

I actually did somethign very similar to this as a "tired everythign else" kind of thing. Her responce to my questions were: "Figure it out. You never follow through anyway".  I have also brought up and still do that its a 2 way street of give affection and reieve affection. Her responce to that: "I'm not doing that because you treat me like crap."

She emailed that she wanted ti to be over. (again).  This time instead of trying to win her back my responce was if thats what you need to be happy then I will give you what you need. This hasn't been getting better between us. She then turned it back to me doing things to make her fall in love again with me.

Eish. That is so familiar! Did she tell you that "Cole or Ian or one of your friends get's it, so why can't you" I normally get that added. Cipher I've been through this for a long time (14 years), but I'm actually a BPD knowledge novice of 7 months.

I guess you're venting with this, which has some value anyways.

I've started laughing when she does this stuff, or suggest one of my friends as a potential suitor LOL. What I also do now is tell her straight - "You're being a victim, stop it" and walk away. She rages for a bit then calms down and behaves. I guess without realising it, I'm treating her like a toddler throwing tantrum. If the shoe fits, and all that.

I experimented the other day with "Stop being a victim, it bores me" and it got the best response by far!

She still catches me with FOG, especially the G. She caught me tonight with "I have not nurtured you for a plethora of reasons, all yours" OK live and learn.

In any case I'm blowing it off more often than not now. Formflier suggested learning how to validate her though her down times. I think that's the ultimate. Enjoy and live the ups to the full, and validate your way through the downs.

All the best!

[bruceli]

Have you noticed her being consistent in her inconsistencies?  Does she say how she wants it to be loving romantic and intimate one minute but than the next tell you that all of that has now became mundane and boring? My pwPD flips and flops with this sometimes multiple times a day.  It is one of her hot button issues that she always comes back around to keep me constantly off guard.

[Cipher13]

Insert Quote

Have you noticed her being consistent in her inconsistencies?  Does she say how she wants it to be loving romantic and intimate one minute but than the next tell you that all of that has now became mundane and boring

Yes oh yes can I see them. Do I point them out... .sometimes but it gets me less then nowhere. As soon as she says she wants me to do something special... .I am now too late because I had to be told. So I do it spontaniously sometimes I get a good reaction but if it doesn't go perfect its epic fail. Example I lit a bunch of candles in our spare bedroom room and turned on some soft music. asked her to comedown stairs. Began to dance a little and on eof the candles was too close to the blinds and started to melt them. Well lets say for some that woudl be a "remember the time when the blinds were on fire" moment. Nope! "You suck are romance, can't you do naythign right?" is the response.

[Moselle]

Well lets say for some that woudl be a "remember the time when the blinds were on fire" moment. Nope! "You suck at romance, can't you do anything right?" is the response.

Does she clam up or can you still charm her a bit and get her to come around? My experience is that if you laugh harder that her moan, it's likely she'll come around. If not, she's gonna get worse, then beat an exit to a cold shower, go and do some work and leave her to her own nonsense.

I dated someone like this once, and gave her two or three chances to develop a sense of humour. My home family always take the piss out of eachother naturally, so that's something i'm used to. I realised that my ability to laugh was worth more to me, than her appearing rather easy on the eye. The breakup justified that and a significant amount of resentment still remains. She also happens to be my wife best friend, Eissh!

[bpbreakout]

I'm having exactly the same issue, it's resulted with a complete loss of intimacy for several months now. I don't see how you can have a proper relationship with someone who tells you that you are "useless" and you need to "step up to the mark" otherwise she will find someone else - sure hasn't done anything for my self esteem  though I'm sure there is some  for me here. The approach I'm taking is to start opening up about my insecurities and to try and listen to her sense of rejection which is huge. She has gone to a photography exhibition opening without me today as I have to get someone round to the house to do a bathroom quote which is well overdue & something I can't leave any longer. I'm very happy for her to go on her own & would want that to be a normal part of a relationship. However wanting to be open about how I feel I told her that I felt a bit insecure about it as she is a very attractive woman and there would be other men there. Her response (a little irritated) was that I should woo her and make her feel desirable & anyway the other men would be "gay" so it wouldn't be a problem - mmmmm not sure what to make of that.

[Cipher13]

So now its not about romance but getting her needs met. I asked how a person who supposedly hates me want to have sex? To meet her needs. Plus I'm a guy so I don't have feelings when it comes to sex we will just do it when ever we want and don't need to care about if the other ins angry or upset.    I called BS on that and went to bed.

[KMS]

I'm kind of on the other side of this.  My bf is the one with BPD, and the last time were together (as in our first relationship; currently on the second try) I was so severely depressed that I had no interest in sex at all.  Which is completely out of character for me; I'm usually quite horny despite being depressed.  Anyway, I got him to understand I couldn't have sex with him for the time-being, but he kept insisting that I was required to satisfy "his needs" through other ways.  I'm not sure how explicit people on this board are comfortable with being, so I won't say more, but it's easy to figure out.  His refusal to see things from my side though, that I was so sick that I couldn't do that either (especially the one thing which I have trouble doing even when I'm feeling better) just made everything worse.  It got to the point I didn't even want to see his penis.  And I'm the complete opposite of a prude here, so I mean that is really strange for me.  He says he understands now that he was being very insensitive at the time (back then he claimed he WAS being sensitive), but occasionally he'll flip as say, no, I should have still done sexual stuff with him.  That's a common pattern though.  Any time he gets upset, everything is my fault, including things he's formerly admitted that he had a part in too.  I don't have that much experience with BPD (although I have a lot of experience with mental illness in general as I've had it my whole life) or relationships in general.  He's my first bf, as anyone who I wanted to be with in the past never wanted the same.  Our first go-around lasted three months, and he keeps bringing up those problems again and again even though I've changed my behavior that bothered him so much and he ADMITS that I've changed.