Been away for a while

[plshlp5]

I can't tell you the last time I made a post on this website. It was definitely when my dd was still in her RTC in Utah. I became so overwhelmed by the fact that I left her there (although it was the best decision I ever made for her), and all her ups and downs while she was there brought me down or up with her, and I missed her terribly. It was so hard to let go and let them do their job - I think I finally did for the most part.

I admitted her in April 2012 while she was still 14. And I took her out on her 16th bday because we had to move out of the state / and school district that was paying for it. My husband took a better paying job and it has allowed me to stay home for the past year with my dd - now 17 - and my two other younger children.

I eventually came out of my deep dark hole and began to build a stronger, better life for all of us. My dd - 17 has been doing pretty well. She had SSI until my husband received a raise and they cut it off just recently. This has been hard since August 1st because she has gone a month and a half without her therapy because her medicaid was cut, which we finally found an awesome DBT/CBT therapist who worked wonders. She came out of the RTC and I think partial reason she did so well was because she was scared to death of going back. She's had a few minor set backs, a couple of scary times, but overall she's done about 50-60% better with how she handles situations.

She still has all the issues she had prior to my admitting her - except for the self mutilation - but they are all on a less severe level. I cant trust her alone for too long, nor can i trust her with my younger two kids. She did take her first volunteer job over the summer and she absolutely loved it, however towards the end of the summer break, she began to lie to her employers and make up stories. I pulled her from the volunteer job and told her she needed to relax before going in to school.

When she first came out, she transitioned into a small school for kids with disabilities, mostly emotional disabilities - and it was through our school district. She did pretty well there but they transitioned her to the public school, and this year she has the public high school full time. I've tried to push her out of my grasp a bit to help her get more independence, as she's almost an adult and overall it is working. She's been in school for two weeks now and has already had one unexcused absence and one tardy (which is a huge problem for her since forever ago). She has managed to stay out of hospitalizations of any kind and the three times she has told me she felt suicidal, we both managed it together and she used her coping mechanisms to help herself. I was so proud of her for this.

This past friday, out of the clear blue, i received a call from the teacher who watches over her at the school. She was feeling suicidal. So i went to pick her up and took her straight to her psychiatrist. My dd has always had a "demonic voice" telling her to do bad stuff since she was 9 years old.  But it hasnt been around for a year and a half - two years. Friday out of nowhere, according to her, it began to tell her to kill herself - by overdosing. Usually she doesnt have a plan, just wants to die. This was her first plan, and the psychiatrist told us she highly recommended to admit her to the new local hospital up the street. She said this was considered a "Command Hallucination" and is the most severe types of hallucinations someone can have. I realized I couldnt take her back home with me, so after finally getting her to agree, we admitted her. She was so upset because she was so scared of going back to an RTC. She was afraid she wouldnt get better.

Last night she called me and was crying uncontrollably telling me how scared she was because this voice now knew where she was, that she didnt have access to any meds, so now he wanted her to scratch herself till she bled. She was so scared and didnt know why he was with her again or if he would leave.  I felt absolutely helpless and bawled like crazy when we hung up.

To keep a horrid long story short, she hates my husband, who is her adopted father since she was 3. She has it out for him and hates him with a passion. She asked me not to bring him, but he came because he loves her and wanted to see her. Well, she was quiet at first during today's visit, and when we started asking her questions to understand why this voice came back, hoping we could find an answer to help prevent it from happening again, she became very angry with him and yelled at him, got up said in a yelling voice that she was done and slammed the door. We waited a couple minutes and I said, you know what, let's go. I'm done too.  :'(  I'm not going to let her do this to us again. She is nearly an adult and needs to learn what her actions do to people. So i asked the nurse in the hall to let us out and he said, "dont you want to say goodbye". I didnt see her anywhere, so I said no, we want to leave. She came out of a corner she was hiding in, and screamed really loud at me, "Are you F***ing kidding me?" I told her that she walked out on us and so we were leaving. She yelled at me telling me that I knew she didnt want him there. I explained to her briefly that he wanted to see her and he is her father and has that right. She got really angry, so the nurse let us leave.

She called tonight wanting to talk, but she just kept silent. I was trying to talk to her and she wouldnt respond. So I told her I was going to hang up and she could call later when she had more to say. She denied parts of conversations we had earlier during the visit, which isnt abnormal with her. She wants to see and hear things that she wants, not what is really transpiring.

She began crying telling me that i didnt want to talk to her anymore and that she was useless and we were throwing her out and didnt need her anymore. I explained to her that I loved her very much and that I had never told her nor showed her any actions to say she was useless. I ended the conversation with her and we hung up with her crying. I felt she was trying to manipulate me and make me feel guilty. She knows that after I took her to the RTC in Utah that I was devastated. It changed my entire life. But I won't let her get to me like that again.

Sorry for the long post.  I guess the questions I have are:  Any ideas of what would trigger this? She's been doing so well. What would trigger such a relapse? and the voice?  Was I wrong for leaving the way I did? Or for including my husband when she said she didnt want him there? Opinions and ideas are definitely welcome!   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Dear plshlp5,

Welcome back, though I'm so sorry you're back under your recent circumstances. My heart goes out to you! My own BPDD is also 17 (18 in October). Mine was never in an RTC, but she was hospitalized for a severe cutting incident in May (at age 17). She has self-harmed for many years, and even attempted suicide a few times, but I never knew about most of it until recently. Had we known, she would have been hospitalized sooner.

You asked what would trigger a relapse? In my DD's case, I suspect it had a lot to do with seeing her peers graduate from their senior year of HS. (DD got her GED last year and started a junior college at 16.) So she was very aware that she missed out on all the senior year fun, like Prom, ditch day, Disneyland night, football games, etc. But ESPECIALLY graduation. Her friends all had parties and got presents and stuff. By contrast, DD barely had any acknowledgment of her "graduation" last year from people outside our family. 

The reason she got the GED early was because she couldn't handle the stresses from HS. But that little fact was forgotten during what should have been her senior year. She was mad at DH and me for not letting her go back to high school. Never mind the fact that she was failing all her classes and would have had to repeat her junior year. So I think those issues were a big part of my DD's triggers.

The other thing I think could be a trigger for your DD is just being 17. It is a transitional age all by itself. They're not quite adults, they no longer feel like children. They want independence, yet they still need the safety net of home.  I don't know of ANY parent of a 17-yo that doesn't say it is a very stressful time for the whole family. So add BPD to the mix, and I think just being 17 may be too much for them.

I am the only parent in my family and circle of friends that has to deal with a BPD teenager. But I do know that EVERYBODY with a 17-yo struggles.

As for leaving the hospital the way you did, NO, you were not wrong! There is another post on this board that discusses reinforcing behavior. I plan to post there too, but I saw you were online, and wanted to respond to you first.

I think by leaving the hospital when you did, you sent a loud and clear message to your DD that you will not stand for certain behavior. Setting limits is HEALTHY, but it does not come without a reaction.  I definitely feel your struggle with this! Standing up for your limits will cause an uproar from your DD, and who wants to do that knowingly?  My DD reminds me every day of whatever I've inadvertently done to hurt her feelings.  She doesn't care that the reason I excuse myself is because she is attacking me.

As for whether or not your DH should have joined you, this is a matter of personal preference between YOU and your DH.  It does not seem like the kind of thing your DD should get to decide. (Unless he abused her in some way. But it does not sound like that to me.) Your marriage is the center of the household, not the children, mentally ill or not. I am touched that he loves your DD and that he has been her daddy since she was 3.  I think that deserves a lot of credit and consideration.  You are both her parents, so the fact that he adopted her seems irrelevant to me.  He is her daddy, and he loves her and has the same concern for her that you do. So I think if he wants to visit her and show his love and support, why shouldn't he? 

I'm so sorry your DD17 has had a major relapse. This too shall pass. BPD is such a terrible illness!

[SeaSprite]

Plshelp5, so sorry about the relapse! 

Like Healingspirit said, that age is tough without extra issues.

Going back to school, a new school, a new school year, all seem like they could be triggers. It's possible there are social things you don't know about that are adding stress, or just the new routine, fatigue from getting up early, etc.

I wonder, what other dx does DD have? Auditory hallucinations are serious stuff, beyond a personality disorder.

I'm not so sure about insisting DD see dh in hospital. It seems reasonable that she have veto power over visitors. She already has so much outside of her control, including needing psychiatric care, that Dad's desire to support her would be more helpful in the form of "I'm here for you when you are ready" instead of insisting she spend time with him. Putting her wishes first in this case would be good modeling for respecting boundaries. In my opinion. 

[HealingSpirit]

I'm not so sure about insisting DD see dh in hospital. It seems reasonable that she have veto power over visitors. She already has so much outside of her control, including needing psychiatric care, that Dad's desire to support her would be more helpful in the form of "I'm here for you when you are ready" instead of insisting she spend time with him. Putting her wishes first in this case would be good modeling for respecting boundaries. In my opinion. 

SeaSprite made an excellent point!  This type of discussion is why I love this board so much. It really helps to consider various points of view.

I'm in the middle of reading Valerie Porr's book, "Overcoming BPD" and now I see why everyone here recommends it. Her approach to BPD shows tremendous compassion and understanding, and it learning to look at BPD differently, it makes it easier to treat our offspring with compassion. They truly are suffering, but when their crummy behavior upsets us, it is so much harder to remember they behave this way BECAUSE they are suffering.

So with that said, maybe SeaSprite is right to suggest you not insist DH visit. If something about him is triggering her-for whatever reason- then maybe it is better for him to take a break from seeing her.  I do still think your marriage is the center of the family, not the BPD, but as Valerie Porr says, if it were some other illness, besides mental illness, we would be inclined to treat them with compassion and empathy for their pain and suffering.

Hang in there! Please let us know how you're all doing.