I still give in out of fear

[momtara]

So I signed this consent order with my exH a few weeks ago, and didn't ask for all the things I should have.  I got intimidated by him, intimidated by the prospect of court, and even felt guilty about him.  I may have blown my one chance to get a psych eval, for instance.  Not that it would have changed much but it sure would have provided some independent insight.  I did manage to get him to agree to see a parent coordinator, but I have to pay for it.  I was afraid it would trigger him too much if he had to pay.  So I kind of punted down the line and now have a situation where I'm actually paying to engage with him.

I am still walking on eggshells, even when I am in a strong position.  I still give in out of fear.

I am finally keeping a distance from him and setting more boundaries, but I wonder how long I can do that before he starts to realize it and starts to try to push away the boundaries.  Today he came over to pick up our older child for "dads take your kid to school day."  He wanted to come in the house like he often does, but I said we were already on the way down (which was true).  Next time I will make the pickup quick.  He will really go through withdrawal if I'm not engaging him much.  

I guess I'm just a little nervous about what happens next.  And then if we see this parent coordinator, I am engaging him again.  I have the power to defer it.  :)on't have to start with her for two months, according to our order.

I don't want to get to the end of the kids' childhood and look back and feel bad that I was scared all the way through it.  We have 15-16 years to go.  I wish I had done more this summer to make a change.  Instead of giving in on stupid things, I should have made him get a psych eval and other stuff.  I was worried it might make things worse, not better.  Oh well, you really never know.

I do think that he may have another meltdown someday and I'll have the opportunity again to ask for temporary supervised visitation and maybe a psych eval, but what's more likely is just that he does all kinds of annoying things but doesn't actually do anything extreme enough for me to be able to go to court, so I am always in wait.

I want to get to a point when I'm not thinking with him or dealing with him.  But we have young children and I have to - at least by email.  Oh well.  I have to stop thinking about what I *should* have done and just try to be happy with what I have.  

The thing is, it's not even like dealing with someone with a normal mental illness.  My mother is schizophrenic and thinks people are out to get her.  She's consistent about that.  I know what to expect from her.  My exH only acts nuts if something triggers him, but it's odd kinds of triggers.  So I am always trying to figure out his moods and what might be affecting them and other stuff, especially around visitation time.  My kids are so young and sweet, so that partly drives my fears.  Oh well, thanks for letting me vent.

[Matt]

What are the main points in the court order?

[momtara]

We start using a parent coordinator in 2 months, but she can't ever talk to his therapists.

He has to give an annual notifcation that he's still seeing his therapists.

He must follow all of their recommendations.

That's about it.

[Matt]

Who has custody of the kids?

What does the court order say about contact with the other parent?

How old are the kids?