Losing my cool and yelled at her

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

As I'm sure many people in BPD relationships can relate to, my wife loves to get a reaction out of me. It just comes naturally for her to antagonize me or just say something to try to get me to react negatively. Often times, it's almost like it's not even on purpose but she just can't control her impulse.

So last night, I get home from work and within a couple minutes she's asking me why I'm in a bad mood. I was actually in a perfectly good mood. I told her I was fine and she went on to tell me how angry I seemed. Understand that this is an almost daily conversation with her and I've let her know many times how much I hate it when she asks me dumb questions like that. The fact is, she's the unhappy person and she's just trying to project that onto me.

I ended up totally losing my cool and yelled at her and we proceeded to have an all-out pissing match in the kitchen. She ended up grabbing her keys and as she ran out, she said "The next time you see me will be at my funeral!" In my mind, this is a very serious line she crossed and shows some very serious emotional/mental instability on her part. She ended up being gone for a couple hours. When she came back she told me that she's already started divorce proceedings against me (which I doubt and am sure she's just bluffing) and she also went on to say that she will make sure I suffer and that she'll try to get full custody of our son.

This morning she told me that she almost did something "very bad" in her car last night but came to her senses... .basically she made it very clear that she was considering suicide. I really don't even know if it was just a cry for help or if she really was that intent on carrying it out. She also made sure that I know that it was ALL MY FAULT that she'd gotten to her breaking point the way she did.

So, here I am this morning feeling guilty for some of the mean things I said to her last night, but then also realizing that she continues to project her emotions onto me. It becomes so confusing being in a relationship with somebody who has BPD because you constantly find yourself second-guessing your actions. I know I said some mean things out of anger, but I also know that I'm not to blame for her issues. She's been making it very clear through her constant texting to me today that she fully believes that I am to blame for all of our marital issues.

We'll see what the next few days bring, but with her threatening to kill herself now (it's the first time she's ever gotten to this point throughout our relationship), I feel like she's taken things to this whole other level of instability in our relationship and I'm not sure I feel safe around her or feel safe leaving my son or dog with her either. I'd like to think she'd never physically hurt any of us, but now I'm just not so sure.

BPD relationships are relentlessly difficult handle on so many levels!

[mstnghu]

As I'm sure many people in BPD relationships can relate to, my wife loves to get a reaction out of me. It just comes naturally for her to antagonize me or just say something to try to get me to react negatively. Often times, it's almost like it's not even on purpose but she just can't control her impulse.

So last night, I get home from work and within a couple minutes she's asking me why I'm in a bad mood. I was actually in a perfectly good mood. I told her I was fine and she went on to tell me how angry I seemed. Understand that this is an almost daily conversation with her and I've let her know many times how much I hate it when she asks me dumb questions like that. The fact is, she's the unhappy person and she's just trying to project that onto me.

I ended up totally losing my cool and yelled at her and we proceeded to have an all-out pissing match in the kitchen. She ended up grabbing her keys and as she ran out, she said "The next time you see me will be at my funeral!" In my mind, this is a very serious line she crossed and shows some very serious emotional/mental instability on her part. She ended up being gone for a couple hours. When she came back she told me that she's already started divorce proceedings against me (which I doubt and am sure she's just bluffing) and she also went on to say that she will make sure I suffer and that she'll try to get full custody of our son.

This morning she told me that she almost did something "very bad" in her car last night but came to her senses... .basically she made it very clear that she was considering suicide. I really don't even know if it was just a cry for help or if she really was that intent on carrying it out. She also made sure that I know that it was ALL MY FAULT that she'd gotten to her breaking point the way she did.

So, here I am this morning feeling guilty for some of the mean things I said to her last night, but then also realizing that she continues to project her emotions onto me. It becomes so confusing being in a relationship with somebody who has BPD because you constantly find yourself second-guessing your actions. I know I said some mean things out of anger, but I also know that I'm not to blame for her issues. She's been making it very clear through her constant texting to me today that she fully believes that I am to blame for all of our marital issues.

We'll see what the next few days bring, but with her threatening to kill herself now (it's the first time she's ever gotten to this point throughout our relationship), I feel like she's taken things to this whole other level of instability in our relationship and I'm not sure I feel safe around her or feel safe leaving my son or dog with her either. I'd like to think she'd never physically hurt any of us, but now I'm just not so sure.

BPD relationships are relentlessly difficult handle on so many levels!

[gentquality]

Reading all these threads make me realize how similar some situations are to mine.  I can't count how many times I was told I'm in a bad mood for no reason and how I'm acting cold when I felt perfectly fine.  From what I read from others, at times like this, you have to keep your cool and handle the situation when she's not having one of her episodes.

[goateeki]

Something similar -- let's say you do come home and have had a very tough day and you'd feel better with a little TLC.  Don't dare ask for it, because she has nothing to give and if she did, she wouldn't be able to detect that you'd benefit from it and then provide it.  I've walked in the door with some bad news a few times. Once my dad had died, and another time my job had been eliminated.  When I came home with news that my dad had died, her demeanor was such that I was almost a bit surprised that she didn't ask why I hadn't picked up milk on the way home.  When I lost my job, she did not say a word, but turned her back to me and walked away. 

Truthfully, I do not think I'll ever be able to recover from that treatment.  That's as cold as it gets.

[fred6]

Reading all these threads make me realize how similar some situations are to mine.  I can't count how many times I was told I'm in a bad mood for no reason and how I'm acting cold when I felt perfectly fine.  From what I read from others, at times like this, you have to keep your cool and handle the situation when she's not having one of her episodes.

Yes, I have run into this also. She called me an unhappy and miserable person. If she was going somewhere and I asked if she wanted me to go with her, she would say one of three things. "That's up to you", "I don't care", or "If you want to". If I went with her, she would say to me at a later date, "you looked miserable the whole time". When in actuality, I was just fine. After a while, unless she specifically "wanted" me to go with her. I would stay home and just watch TV, internet, workout, or play guitar. Then she tells me that all I do is sit around the house being miserable. Seems like she always wanted to tell me how I felt. Hell, even a few weeks ago after splitting from me. She said, "you'll be better off on your own". Gee, thanks for deciding and letting me know what's best for me. Could it also have something to do with you screwing the guy down the road?

[ThanksForPlaying]

If she was going somewhere and I asked if she wanted me to go with her, she would say one of three things. "That's up to you", "I don't care", or "If you want to"

This is common - there's no ability to take responsibility for anything. Not even a simple choice like "I'd like you to come with me."  I've had this happen with huge decisions like houses - "I want a house we can raise a family in but I don't want to pick it out because I always make the decisions around here".  Happens with activities a lot - "we're so boring just lying around the house today, why don't you pick something fun for us to do because I always pick things to do".  Even things like "I want a puppy, can we get a puppy?"  and then if the puppy doesn't work out - it was your idea to get a puppy.

No accountability for decisions.

[hurting300]

I use to feel bad too. But not now.

[Tired_Dad]

I use to feel bad too. But not now.

This rings true for me the most. I admit that she is still able to push my buttons when I'm not prepared for her, however I no longer expect her to have "accurate" empathy for my son or me.

I also have experienced the storming out and suicidal threats and all the drama that comes of it and to be honest I've become numb to her threats that instead of over-reacting to them I reviewd her life insurance so I'm not screwed when/if she follows through. Not that I wish for it, but I'm too burnt out now to deal with her when she's in a suicidal place and get her family to intervene.

As for the "are you upset" questions I wish that was all of it. I've noticed it's just question after question after question often not leaving room to actually answer any of them as she gets swept away in an increasing rush of anxiety. They seem to ask questions to calm themselves, but they don't get the answers they want and build off of it. I have started to just stop my BPDw and look at her and say ":)on't ask questions that you don't want the answers to." and sometimes that grounds her just for the moment.

[hurting300]

My ex was different than most BPD's on here, Mine has sociopathic traits... so she does not rage or scream . She plots and covertly abuses, you don't know it hits you until it's to late. I always had gut feelings she was doing those little things on purpose to wear me down. I was right. So, I started laying down the law. She bolted while I was at work taking our baby.

[freedom33]

She plots and covertly abuses, you don't know it hits you until it's to late. I always had gut feelings she was doing those little things on purpose to wear me down.

That's exactly how mine was. She would rarely rage, or cry overtly at the start. She was good at baiting me. Also if there was somethign that she thought I did wrong she would take revenge e.g. flirt with someone behind my back and then come and tell me (Why would you do that... ?), if I said something 'wrong' on the phone she 'd play it all cool then and after an hour she 'd send me a text canceling our evening plans and if I showed annoyance she 'd cancel them the next day too. She was the most vindictive person I have met in my life. Two eyes and an ear for cutting her overgrown nail.

That was at the start. After month 5 when I realised what was going on things changed. She 'd do thinks to get me angry, I wouldn't get angry, she 'd bottle up and then she would wake me up at 2 in the morning crying. Basically the feelings that the pwBPD can't hold tries to make you hold them for them. This is not projection. This is projective identification. If I am angry and it's too much then you got to hold some or all of that for me... .When I developed some strength and tolerance in resisting projective identification and stopped reacting she 'd started break into tears and become completely disregulated - almost in state of shock as she could not hold on to all those feelings herself.

If I consolated her it would go on for hours until I couldn't take anymore and break. I learned again that the best thing in those cases was a sober reaction. Cool validation and reason i.e. it's late let's discuss about this tomorrow. Let's lay down and do some breathing exercises to calm down and go to sleep (notice the we? yes if I said you then it would mean it was her problem and that wouldnt go down well... ). I think the whole BPD experience is a lesson of fatherhood for me. I don't have chidren but would like to one day if I am able and can find the right person. I would have done a really lousy job if I hadn't met the pwBPD to teach me some basic skills like that.

[hurting300]

Yeah mine broke down once in a book store, wow it was embarrassing! I was thinking to myself ok just have sex with her then next her. Because this chick is Cray Cray.

[gomez_addams]

If she was going somewhere and I asked if she wanted me to go with her, she would say one of three things. "That's up to you", "I don't care", or "If you want to"

This is common - there's no ability to take responsibility for anything. Not even a simple choice like "I'd like you to come with me." 

Oh, sweet merciful God.  The past few weeks she's been whining for a new couch.  I didn't want to spend the money without her being there, because I have a vague idea of what she wants, but would rather have her point out the one she wants (or at least narrow it down to two or three).

She ridiculed me the other day because *I* am indecisive, and I also don't pay attention (she apparently told me exactly what she wanted last year when we first went couch shopping).  She refused to give any details (fabric, color, etc... .)

Like an idiot, I bought a couch today.  At least it kept me out of the house for a few hours.

Reading this just opened my eyes to how much she does this.  I'm grateful for this thread.  Hopefully I'll see it coming next time.

[freedom33]

So last night, I get home from work and within a couple minutes she's asking me why I'm in a bad mood. I was actually in a perfectly good mood. I told her I was fine and she went on to tell me how angry I seemed.

She can't handle her own feelings but it's not just that she is projecting them. We all do that. E.g. I may think that you are angry because I am angry then I ask you you tell me you are not angry and the whole thing goes away.

What they do is called projective identification. From wiki

While based on Freud's concept of psychological projection, projective identification represents a step beyond. In R.D. Laing's words, “The one person does not use the other merely as a hook to hang projections on. He strives to find in the other, or to induce the other to become, the very embodiment of projection”. Feelings which can not be consciously accessed are defensively projected into another person in order to evoke the thoughts or feelings projected.

So basically, the way it works is that the pwBPD is forcing you to hold their anger for them because they can't hold it for themselves. Same goes with all the other extreme feelings that come up for them. Immense pain they will make you hold it for them (my ex told me that borderlines sometimes want you to feel the pain that they feel... .), immense jealousy they will make you jealous etc. I suppose the same applies for the positive feelings as well e.g. joy, excitement, enthusiasm that is why it was so great at the start being with them. It goes on

'Conscious resistance to projective identification may produce on the one side guilt for refusing to enact the projection, on the other bitter rage at the thwarting of the projection.'

That is basically what happens when we put strong boundaries in place. We feel guilty and they rage.