I'm not ready for that again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello BPD family support group,

I am WhoMe51 and I am dating a dBPDgf.  I have been with her on and off going for 5 yrs now.  I have been through so many recycles now that I cannot even count.  With each recycle, I analyze it and try to improve my skills so that we can stay together.  I asked myself for what because she always finds a way to nitpick at something I am doing or not doing.  Today, she tells me that she no longer wants to be my girlfriend.  She said she wanted to get married.  But just last month, she said she didn't think she could live with me again.  I asked her if she remembered saying that and her reply was "we already talked about that" which we didn't.  She just said it and went on saying she didn't want to talk about it.    We lived together for 2 yrs before our separation.  I'm not ready for marriage.  I told her that I felt like we needed to be solid in our relationship.  And we needed to work through our issues.  There are so many though.  We don't have children together so there is no tie.  Today when she tried to start a fight about it, I just calmly told her that I wasn't fighting about it and she stopped.  Then she said that she should be a priority in my life.  I asked her how I could do that.  She thought about it and said I want to feel like I matter to you.  I said how do I do that? (because this whole dam relationship is about her).  I do love her but I am not ready to get married.  I have read on here that marriage makes it worse.  When we lived together, my memory is foggy about how it was.  I just find myself not wanting to do this anymore.  I am not upset or mad this time.  If you have any insight on my situation, I would love to hear it. 

[WhoMe51]

Hello BPD family support group,

I am WhoMe51 and I am dating a dBPDgf.  I have been with her on and off going for 5 yrs now.  I have been through so many recycles now that I cannot even count.  With each recycle, I analyze it and try to improve my skills so that we can stay together.  I asked myself for what because she always finds a way to nitpick at something I am doing or not doing.  Today, she tells me that she no longer wants to be my girlfriend.  She said she wanted to get married.  But just last month, she said she didn't think she could live with me again.  I asked her if she remembered saying that and her reply was "we already talked about that" which we didn't.  She just said it and went on saying she didn't want to talk about it.    We lived together for 2 yrs before our separation.  I'm not ready for marriage.  I told her that I felt like we needed to be solid in our relationship.  And we needed to work through our issues.  There are so many though.  We don't have children together so there is no tie.  Today when she tried to start a fight about it, I just calmly told her that I wasn't fighting about it and she stopped.  Then she said that she should be a priority in my life.  I asked her how I could do that.  She thought about it and said I want to feel like I matter to you.  I said how do I do that? (because this whole dam relationship is about her).  I do love her but I am not ready to get married.  I have read on here that marriage makes it worse.  When we lived together, my memory is foggy about how it was.  I just find myself not wanting to do this anymore.  I am not upset or mad this time.  If you have any insight on my situation, I would love to hear it. 

[WhoMe51]

I also wanted to add that my son is coming over this weekend for a visit.  She always tries to create drama when he comes over.  This is when she says that I show her she doesn't matter because I don't include her in.  Which I do.  We had plans to go out as a family and do something.  I am not going to have another messed up weekend with my son.  Every time it becomes about her and how she feels that I am treating her.  I guess she is jealous of my son and the time I get to spend with him.  So she starts some kind of drama or fight.  I don't get to spend as much time with my son as I like because he lives away now. 

[forget-me-not]

Who, I feel your frustration.

My uBPDbf said the exact same things to me, regarding wanting to be a priority and feeling like he matters.

The thing is, the tiniest ( to non BPD s )events made him feel like he didn't matter.

I couldn't be one minute late , EVER. Not even if I was stuck by a train or broke a glass on my way out the door and had to clean up the mess, or had to answer a work call.

These were my fault for not planning ahead and left him feeling unimportant.

When I consistently became 10 minutes early for a couple of months, his take was " if you can be 10 minutes early, you can be 30 minutes early.

I wasn't just the time issue . It was if the coffee wasn't perfect or if I took more than 5 seconds to answer a question or if I didn't give him my undivided attention.

He threw a dessert I was in the process of making because I was cracking eggs into a bowl and didn't make eye contact while he was talking which was " disrespectful"

I have hundreds of such examples.

When I asked him what I could do to show him he mattered, his response was

" that's for you to figure out and if you're too stupid to figure it out then there's no help for you. If you're not willing to try harder , I'm done with you. You're just lazy and don't want to try. "

Please understand that no matter how many hoops you jump through and how much effort you make , it will NEVER be enough.

Even if you do exactly as she says, she will change the rules and up the ante.

A borderline is a bottomless pit of needs that must constantly be met, but it's just not possible. The emptiness is deep -seated, and can't be filled EVER.


How many times have you felt you've bent over backwards to please, to be kind and loving , only to be told it's not enough?

The Lessons on this board have been invaluable , please read. ----------------------->

Regarding your weekend with your son-

Yes , she is jealous. The drama is to draw attention to herself so you will soothe her feelings of not mattering.

I faced the same every time I spent time with my granddaughter.

I spent time with her anyway. Rages, name calling and punishments ensued.

Prepare yourself for this , and remember it's NOT about you!

Again, Lessons regarding boundaries and extinction bursts on this board are there for you!

I feel your pain and hope you find the direction that will bring you peace.