I am so done with her b.s. - I want her out of my life NOW

[parent of bpd daughter]

I will not sacrifice the little I have left in my life to my BPDD's sadistic psycho manipulations and drama.

I am human and I deserve a peaceful life.

I never physically, sexually, emotiionally abused her - so my conscience is clear

I never allowed anyone else to physically, sexually, emotionally abuse her - again conscience is clear

I paid for her private school education

I paid for her college education

I sacrificed my career and my own dreams to be the best mom I could be

I dragged her into therapy more times than I can count when she was still under my roof

I have been hit by her

I have taken her into rehab

I have picked her unconscious body off the floor when she's od'd

My youngest has nearly died at her hands - having had her stroller pushed into traffic when she was only 9 mos old "an accident?" Yeah right - more like psycho behavior!

My puppy was killed by her when she "didn't see him" in the driveway when she was 15 and she didn't shed a tear or even an "I'm sorry"

I have spent $10k in therapy trying to improve our relationship only to have her quit midstream

I have tolerated more abuse from her than I ever thought humanly possible

Because mental stability isn't a prerequisite to having a child - her and her equally insane partner have

birthed a child - God help that innocent soul

Today was just the last straw - but I know I've said that before - it's so hard with this maternal instinct crap - we wouldn't go anywhere near these people if we hadn't given birth to them for sure.

Doesn't matter what it was today - just more sadistic behavior on her part - I have $300 worth of baby clothes and toys in my car won't be delivered because she decided - again - that although she told me they were visiting my town this weekend - she's just too tired to go to dinner as planned. I expected it, knew it would happen - but my own generous nature can't stop me from wanting to "be nice" and "nice" her out of this psychotic behavior.

Wont work - I know - 10 years I've been doing this back and forth - I don't want to see her ever again.

I'll send the clothes and toys UPS - I'll answer her calls IF I feel like it and IF she is civil - I just know in my heart of hearts - I don't want to ever see her again. I no longer feel any love for this human being. I will unlearn my maternal, primal instincts if it takes the rest of my life.

She will no longer be allowed in my heart, in my life and especially not in my will :-) Call me a coldhearted b$%ch if you will - I don't care - I'm done.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Very sorry for the rest of us here going through this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[parent of bpd daughter]

I forgot to mention the $25k I gave her out of my own retirement savings so she could go to "grad school" which she ended up buying her partner (who comes from a very wealthy family and does not need this) a new car! With my retirement money!

How on earth did I raise such an evil, sadistic, manipulative person?

I have a younger daughter is is the exact opposite of this - same exact childhood environment! Unbelievable!

I will donate the clothes and toys - still beautifully hand wrapped with love to children in a shelter. That will at least give me comfort.

Thanks for letting me rant - sorry we are all here. It's not healthy for me to be part of her life anymore - I can't do it anymore.

Can I get those years of my life back along with all my money please? NO - lost forever!

[HealingSpirit]

Oh, you poor thing!     I don't blame you for feeling DONE!  You've been through too much and given too much.  I suspect we've all felt the same way from time to time.  I admit, I have felt DONE, and my DD is only 17.   I haven't been dealing with BPD as long as you have.  The exhaustion and chronic frustration and anxiety can become unbearable without a break.

I understand your anger, your hurt, and the pain you feel from devoting your whole life to your DD, only to be physically and emotionally harmed by her over and over again.  It is so hard to NOT resent their BPD behavior because their behavior can be so dreadful!  I know you are absolutely DONE, but can you think of giving yourself a break from your DD and just have N/C for a while?  Can you be open to the possibility that you might change your mind someday?  It's hard to imagine NOT being hurt and angry when you're in the middle of it.  But perhaps if you give yourself a much needed break from contact, you will be able to reduce the resentment and anger you're having now.  You've selflessly put up with a lot.  More than any mother is supposed to.  But forever is a long time, and time does heal wounds. Please don't do anything you might someday regret.  You'll only feel worse later.  Just take a break for as long as you need to.  

Time to focus on some fun and nurturing for YOU!  

 

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Parent of BPD daughter,

Forgive me, but I just had to come back and share this with you.

I am in the middle of reading Valerie Porr's book, "Overcoming BPD."  Chapter 7, to be exact. This chapter is called Grieving and Radical Acceptance. As I was reading how we're all literally grieving daily losses from the BPD crises we deal with in our lives, I couldn't stop thinking about you and this post you just made.

It is so clear to me now that you are in the throws of grief!  Have you ever thought of it this way?  It's like you were given a plant with 2 flower buds on it. You have nurtured them both, and devoted your love and care to them, but one bud just never quite bloomed the way you expected. The other is blossoming nicely.  So it is natural to be disappointed and sad that one of your blooms isn't blossoming well, no matter how much you've done to save it.

Every time something happens that is different from how we wanted it to be, we experience loss and grief, even though the pwBPD is still alive.  This made a lot of sense to me, and I wanted to share it with you.  So while you take a break from your BPDD, I know it will help YOU heal if you grieve over the loss of the relationship you didn't get with your BPDD.   

Porr described what "unacknowledged grief" looks like, and it was like reading your post all over again.  Our society doesn't do grief very well, but we parents of BPD offspring truly are facing new forms of grief every day. So for now, take a break and allow yourself to really grieve and let go of the daughter you wanted.  It will free you up to accept the daughter you have someday, if you so choose. 

I thought it was an interesting coincidence that after I responded to your post, I logged off and got into bed to read. And what I read just happened to apply to the very theme of your post.    Seems like Divine intervention to me.  Please come back and share how you're doing, ok?

[theplotthickens]

I understand your hurt and depletion!  I agree that this is a great place to vent that!  We so "get it!"  I have been helped so much be reading books on BPD.  I agree that forever is a long time, and that if you need a break, you can simply go no contact or low contact without saying a lot.  Time does heal wounds, and you never know when your dd might be more mature, or have a breakthrough.  It is healing to set boundaries, but leave future doors open, because we cannot predict the future.  For now, it sounds like you need a break and need to focus on rebuilding your life.  We all go through times of burnout living with this awful illness.  HUGS!

[lever.]

Just wanted to send you a 

I think most of us will relate to how you are feeling at the moment and will have felt the same at times.

Certainly at one point I felt ready to let my relationship with my daughter go.

The only thing that motivated me to work on the relationship at that point was concern for my grandchildren.

I agree that the anger and distress sound like a part of the grieving process. Do take a break and look after yourself for a while. You may or may not feel differently given a bit of time-and things may change in the future.

The seeming lack of gratitude for our attempts to help can be very difficult to take-here is a good place to express those feelings because so many of us understand that.

[parent of bpd daughter]

I am so glad we have this board. This Christmas instead of sending gifts that frequently get given back  - I am going to donate money here - the one place besides my therapists office I can just be honest.

Thanks so much for caring responses - yet for the past 10 years - I already have been no contact off and on - for 2 years after her father died and she laughed about wanting to push  the "red button" for cremations when her and one of the thug friends she "invited" to our private family discussion with the funeral director - just 24 hours after my husband's unexpected death at 42. I went outside and threw up - this was the man I had just slept next too the previous night - and she was "giddy" about pushing the button to burn his body. This is PSYCHO behavior.

I grieved her loss when I saw this illness developing - I've seen it before - in my own mother and 1/2 sister - it is a terminal illness - no recovery that I've seen work without the diseased seeking treatment. Grieving the loss of a living child is very complicated as we all know. and it takes a Very Long Time- 10 years now - and 10 years is as much as I'm willing to sacrifice - I'm done.

I am in therapy for years now and told my therapist the only thing time does is make crazy people  crazier. I've seen this with my own family of origin - some of who are mentally ill. I went no contact with them for 30 years! When I went back for a 1 day visit - They were STILL CRAZY! Only now there were jail sentences, homicides, suicides and all the other consequences of CRAZY PEOPLE. It was as if I never left.

This time I am resolve - I don't want this sick person in my life anymore - I've done all I can.

I have tried to build a bond with this poor child that was born to her partner via sperm donor. Yet she and her equally sadistic partner use the child as a pawn in their sick game of control and manipulation.

I am a very giving maternal type person, that's just how I am wired. My therapist suggests using those traits to volunteer with youth, teen mothers and others. I will do this. My therapist says there's also a thing called "fool's compassion" the compassion that is given to those that exploit it and use it to hurt us  that is fool's compassion.

My youngest daughter has also been in therapy since her sister "got sick" - my contention is that she was born sick - she didn't just develop sadistic behavior overnight. She was born diseased and there is no cure for this disease except therapy and meds that must be sought by the diseased mind.

My youngest daughter's therapist tells her now frequently - continuing a relationship with her older sister is committing to suffering for the rest of your life. She will not/can not change - it is a brain disease that can only be helped by therapy and medication that the diseased will not choose. My youngest' daughter's therapist says contact with her sister is like self-flagellation. It is masochistic and it fuels her sister's sadistic nature.


Why would anyone choose suffering like this? It is fool's compassion. I cannot allow myself to feel anything for the child that has been born to her partner - she won't let me and frankly I won't allow myself. I am not legally or morally responsible for her as an adult or any of her offspring.

There are so many people in this world that truly need and can accept compassion and love. I will turn my giving nature toward those that can benefit from it. There are millions - literally millions of babies that need and want love and support. Why would anyone focus on those that don't? It is self defeating behavior we have learned from society we are required to give. Mom's don't desert their children - even when they're adults. I say that's Poppycock! You desert those that harm you - or else you are sick yourself. It's like domestic abuse - why do they stay? because they are not mentally healthy until they leave - that's why.

The battle is from within - fighting my own instinct - but this is really not my child - I gave birth to her - I cared for her while she grew - but like previous poster said - she failed to bloom. Now I must tend to the rest of my garden - which is not just those flowers that I gave birth to - but all those that

need someone right now. All the innocent little kids out there that need love and support to bloom themselves. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the 1 single sick person.

Same as the instinct I have to eat sugar when I'm stressed, and fight it, I will fight and overcome this instinct to somehow be this hollow shell of a person's natural parent. She is missing the DNA that makes her human somewhere in her brain she is very broken and I can't fix it.

I truly never want to see or hear from her again - I'm truly done. I must focus on helping my youngest heal all the scars she has from her sister's abuse. She is in God's hands now - I will keep her in my prayers - but not anywhere in my life - ever. It would be extremely foolish of me to do so. It is a no sum game.

Thanks again - this has been a tough weekend. I hope others can in some way benefit from my words. I understand we all will react differently to our mentally ill children - my case is specific to me. Many of us think we don't have this choice because society says we can't walk away from being a parent - I say I can and I have. She is 35 years old - I've more than done my job and just about went broke doing it. I'm done!

[TiredOfDrama]

I'm in awe that you put up with such behavior for as long as you did. And I'm so sorry for what you have endured at the hands of your daughter. It's heartbreaking.   :'(

You MUST step away... .but you know that already. You can step away knowing you went above and beyond and you should never feel 1 second of guilt that you didn't do everything possible. You did more than most would.

It's at times like this I joke (only 1/2 joke really) that it's time to move away, to a paradise location, and don't leave a forwarding address!  Oh, and it should be a 1 bedroom paradise location, so you can't take anyone in.   

Wishing you the best... .take a vacation if you can. You need one.

[Pinkeraser]

Your story is very similar to mine. My daughter is 24 and like you I dealt with some serious behavior similar to yours. You are not alone. Everyone's advice is true you have to step back and take care of yourself. The anger will fade eventually (at least mine has)  and hopefully you will find at that point whether or not you can have a relationship with her (clear headed, emotionally distant). My thoughts are that distance, time and educating yourself (like I am doing) but mostly putting yourself first and trying to the best you can enjoy your life.

You can't help her seek help and want change. I (with much difficulty) have realized adult children have to want to change for it to happen. My heart is with you.

[qcarolr]

parent of BPD daughter   

I grieved her loss when I saw this illness developing - I've seen it before - in my own mother and 1/2 sister - it is a terminal illness - no recovery that I've seen work without the diseased seeking treatment. Grieving the loss of a living child is very complicated as we all know. and it takes a Very Long Time- 10 years now - and 10 years is as much as I'm willing to sacrifice - I'm done.

Thanks again - this has been a tough weekend. I hope others can in some way benefit from my words. I understand we all will react differently to our mentally ill children - my case is specific to me. Many of us think we don't have this choice because society says we can't walk away from being a parent - I say I can and I have. She is 35 years old - I've more than done my job and just about went broke doing it. I'm done!

It is clear that you have done all that you can to be connected to your BPDD. Both the T's for you and your younger D support this choice. They will be there to continue supporting you in the processing of the letting go. You really have to separate to regain your health and be there for you younger D. I have been down this road, and step off, down, step off, down, step off. My DD is 28, in jail since Feb 2014 with release scheduled for Nov 2014. If she chooses to continue the therapy she started on furloughs while in jail, and goes to rehab this will make a difference.

I have to put the needs of my gd9 first. This has been a struggle. With the help of my gd's T things have changed inside me. I am hopeful that I can stick to my protective boundaries when she is released. Dh and I are in much better communication about what we are willing to do. Our DD does not have the extreme behaviors, though she has been violent when high. She is not allowed to live in our home. If she follows through with therapy then we may be willing for some short visits.

As you clearly say in the quotes above - it is all about our pwBPD becoming able to choose treatment; to desire to change. Some can never get to this place. The risk of change is greater to them than staying stuck in the known misery. Then again, perhaps your D is able to project all her emotions onto someone else and she has zero awareness of her own or anyone else's misery. I have great sadness for her.

Prayer is all that is left often. I give my DD up daily in my prayers and ask for guidance with staying present in my own life.

qcr

[MammaMia]

Parent of BPD daughter

Oh yes, we understand exactly what you have dealt with, and it is time to remove yourself from an abusive situation.  YOU have not failed... .DD has worn out her welcome with her behavior.  Everyone has limits on what they can and will tolerate... .you have reached yours, AND THAT IS OK. 

The only thing I would caution you about is making a public declaration to your BPDd that you are "done" and you want her out of your life. This will cause an emotional "explosion" followed by chaos, and no one needs that.

I would recommend just walking away emotionally and physically. It is not necessary for you to explain your actions or reasons, and you do not need dd's permission and/or cooperation to do what is best for you. Just do it.

Since it is next to impossible to have a serious discussion with a pwBPD ... .why try?  Focus on expending your energy on someone or something that makes you actually feel good and provides a positive emotional response. PwBPD are often described as emotional vampires.  Colorful language, and, sadly, pretty accurate. 

With time, the situation may change enough to allow a relationship, but dd needs to earn that right.

YOU deserve better. Go for it!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Dear parent, Just wishing you good health and some happiness 

[qcarolr]

Dear parent - you have been in my thoughts and prayers all day today. For peace and rest. What keeps coming up for me is a scripture from The Message (version of Bible). It has helped me with impossible choices in the past 2 years.

":)on't suppress the Spirit and don't stifle those who have a word from the Master. On the other hand, don't be gullible. Check out everything, and keep only what's good. Throw out anything tainted with evil."

For me this is expressed in  my inconsistency with my values a how I express them with my limits and boundaries. It is about Radical Acceptance that my DD28 will be who she is and do what she does regardless of anyone around her. Only she can choose how to respond to her life day to day - who she is with, what she does, what she says, how she thinks about what she feels... .The pain of this separation from her often feels intolerable -- well this is my suffering from non-acceptance of reality. It is not her suffering - she has her own.

My highest value is integrity/honesty. So much of my contact with DD felt dishonest -- either hearing what she was doing and acting like it was OK (validating the invalid), or pretending that I was OK when so much was falling apart in me and around me. As I have filtered EVERYTHING - EVERYWHERE - through this lens of integrity I have gained strength no matter the adversity I face.

I hope for you can find some peace and rest. That the bitterness, anger, disappointments in your life can be soothed. Please take care of yourself and younger D that is under your wing of protection. Let us know how this is going for you if you are able.

The only thing I would caution you about is making a public declaration to your BPDd that you are "done" and you want her out of your life. This will cause an emotional "explosion" followed by chaos, and no one needs that.

I would recommend just walking away emotionally and physically. It is not necessary for you to explain your actions or reasons, and you do not need dd's permission and/or cooperation to do what is best for you. Just do it.

Quietly walking away without looking back is taking care of you. If BPDD tries to contact you, is there a pre-written response stating you are taking care of yourself and will not be responding to her contacts for now. Then let the future work itself out.

qcr

[Pou]

I will not sacrifice the little I have left in my life to my BPDD's sadistic psycho manipulations and drama.

I am human and I deserve a peaceful life.

I never physically, sexually, emotiionally abused her - so my conscience is clear

I never allowed anyone else to physically, sexually, emotionally abuse her - again conscience is clear

I paid for her private school education

I paid for her college education

I sacrificed my career and my own dreams to be the best mom I could be

I dragged her into therapy more times than I can count when she was still under my roof

I have been hit by her

I have taken her into rehab

I have picked her unconscious body off the floor when she's od'd

My youngest has nearly died at her hands - having had her stroller pushed into traffic when she was only 9 mos old "an accident?" Yeah right - more like psycho behavior!

My puppy was killed by her when she "didn't see him" in the driveway when she was 15 and she didn't shed a tear or even an "I'm sorry"

I have spent $10k in therapy trying to improve our relationship only to have her quit midstream

I have tolerated more abuse from her than I ever thought humanly possible

Because mental stability isn't a prerequisite to having a child - her and her equally insane partner have

birthed a child - God help that innocent soul

Today was just the last straw - but I know I've said that before - it's so hard with this maternal instinct crap - we wouldn't go anywhere near these people if we hadn't given birth to them for sure.

Doesn't matter what it was today - just more sadistic behavior on her part - I have $300 worth of baby clothes and toys in my car won't be delivered because she decided - again - that although she told me they were visiting my town this weekend - she's just too tired to go to dinner as planned. I expected it, knew it would happen - but my own generous nature can't stop me from wanting to "be nice" and "nice" her out of this psychotic behavior.

Wont work - I know - 10 years I've been doing this back and forth - I don't want to see her ever again.

I'll send the clothes and toys UPS - I'll answer her calls IF I feel like it and IF she is civil - I just know in my heart of hearts - I don't want to ever see her again. I no longer feel any love for this human being. I will unlearn my maternal, primal instincts if it takes the rest of my life.

She will no longer be allowed in my heart, in my life and especially not in my will :-) Call me a coldhearted b$%ch if you will - I don't care - I'm done.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Very sorry for the rest of us here going through this.

She is your daughter and that is why you try so hard.  Because at the end of the day, you will always realize she is your baby.  But it doesn't mean you can not let her have her own life and experience her own journey.  Give space and time, try to develop that boundary.  Watch her from distance if you can and I would gently transition. I know it is frustrating, but all the things you have done should help you fortify your conviction to carry through your new approach.  I wish you the best and you have a very very difficult situation to deal with.   

[411neptune]

I have done/ been where you are a million times.

It all changes when you get a call that she is in ICU for attempting to take her life.

Thank God     she survived. I don't want

a dead child ---  I just need the tools to work with

to keep myself healthy,.

You sound like you live a good distance.  She could be living

around the corner and you'd be worse off.   LOL   we must

sometimes smile of crack up... ,

[Kate4queen]

I'm in awe that you put up with such behavior for as long as you did. And I'm so sorry for what you have endured at the hands of your daughter. It's heartbreaking.   :'(

You MUST step away... .but you know that already. You can step away knowing you went above and beyond and you should never feel 1 second of guilt that you didn't do everything possible. You did more than most would.

It's at times like this I joke (only 1/2 joke really) that it's time to move away, to a paradise location, and don't leave a forwarding address!  Oh, and it should be a 1 bedroom paradise location, so you can't take anyone in.   

Wishing you the best... .take a vacation if you can. You need one.

We did. We took our youngest daughter our of BPD son's orbit and moved to Hawaii. Best decision we ever made.

And I totally understand OP feelings. You are entitled to feel like that. I just wish you the best while you step away.

[TiredOfDrama]

We did. We took our youngest daughter our of BPD son's orbit and moved to Hawaii. Best decision we ever made.

Sweet! I'm so impressed, jealous and filing this away mentally. Good for you... .and your family.