Centrality of Compassion... Dalai Lama

[theplotthickens]

I have been thinking a lot about the centrality of compassion in healing and coping with challenges that I experience with my BPDer.  Without REAL compassion for our kids and ourselves, no technique, method, or set of tools will be very effective.  We will go through the motions, but it will not be real.  If we do not have genuine compassion for ourselves, we will not hold boundaries.  If we do not have genuine compassion for BPDers, we will either lash out in anger or withdraw. 

Again and again, I find the central importance of compassion.  But how to cultivate it when we are feeling angry and taken advantage of?  Should we close off or should we have open hearts that take each new day as it comes? 

This video is a little long, but I think it is worth a watch if have the viewpoint that compassion is the key to healing the mind and heart, but wonder how to generate it.  I am a Christian, but find many areas of agreement with the Dalai Lama.  The video is from a Buddhist perspective, but honoring to people of all faiths or no faith.  I found it inspiring and recharging.  It also discusses the relationship between faith and science in examining the life of the mind.

If you need to be recharged and want to rediscover compassion, take a look at this and see what you think.  It was just what I needed today.  I am guessing that I am  not the only one who struggles to find compassion for my BPDer at times... .due to being emotionally burned out by the drama. 

Sending you love and hugs... .and wishing you COMPASSION for yourself and for your loved ones who suffer from illness today!   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSL_xvokoF8

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for this link, theplotthickens 

(I've got it playing in the background for me, and there's about 25 minutes to go... .)

What you say above is on the mark 

[qcarolr]

theplotthickens

Thanks for the link. I will watch it tomorrow. I have read a bit of his work and agree it applies to everyone in some way regardless of faith or belief system. He comes from a loving kindness perspective. There are others with compassion from different perspectives.

I have been practicing compassion more and more consciously the past 18 months. Initially I was trying to find a way to love my Dd28 unconditionally and hold to essential boundaries as she spun more and more out of control. As I am better at this, able to get into this wiser place more often, things are better with everyone. I have also read lots of books, work with a wonderful faith based therapist, and have really been in a seeking place for many years. The tools and books here gave me a great big boost in the right direction. Validation has been at the heart of this and works when coming from a place of sincerity and compassion.

For my DD now I have three basic beliefs that I share with her directly. The order is important:

1. I am a person of integrity and will live my life honestly to the best of my ability. I will no longer support any requests that expect me to violate this value. When I put this value in my mind first, I am better able to say no to her when needed and implement/hold my limits and boundaries.

2. I will ALWAYS love her, no matter what and have her best interest in my mind and heart. The key to this is great compassion. It has taken a lot of self-care to find the courage to be in this place. I now have a strong support network to fall back on when I am struggling. T, mentor/sponsor, pastor, and recently a physical therapist and massage therapist helping me with my pain. The body based pain treatments are releasing lots of emotional pain as well, and both of the professional women are able to listen well.

3. I will ALWAYS be her advocate with resources. Listening to her needs (the hardest part - to set my needs and expectations aside). Getting her permission to work with the professionals in her life while respecting her privacy/values, especially with her T and case manager at mental health center. Standing up for her rights, even when I do not agree with what she is wanting. This really has come into play with medical stuff and with jail procedures and policy. I am better able to step back from DOING for her to be able to FIND RESOURCES for her to do the work with.

I have to stay diligent daily to maintain this practice. Finding ways to take that 30-45 minutes of contemplative time each day makes a huge difference. Those in my support network are really good at holding me accountable for this piece!

This long reply organized all this more clearly for me as I wrote here. I am curious how others find their wise place.

qcr

ps. I was struggling the past few days with how to best help DD with her housing issues when she is released from jail next month. I have been inquiring with people looking for roommates, small apartments, and sober living places. We have limits on our financial ability with this. DD has a very poor track record in managing living on her own - well truthfully living anywhere the past 5 years. So I called my mentor today. I realize writing this reply that it summarizes what she offered to me today. Thanks so much for allowing me to share this with you all.

[nzmum]

 

all I can say is "wow"

Thanks for this, truly awesome.

theplotthickens

For my DD now I have three basic beliefs that I share with her directly. The order is important:

1. I am a person of integrity and will live my life honestly to the best of my ability. I will no longer support any requests that expect me to violate this value. When I put this value in my mind first, I am better able to say no to her when needed and implement/hold my limits and boundaries.

2. I will ALWAYS love her, no matter what and have her best interest in my mind and heart. The key to this is great compassion. It has taken a lot of self-care to find the courage to be in this place. I now have a strong support network to fall back on when I am struggling. T, mentor/sponsor, pastor, and recently a physical therapist and massage therapist helping me with my pain. The body based pain treatments are releasing lots of emotional pain as well, and both of the professional women are able to listen well.

3. I will ALWAYS be her advocate with resources. Listening to her needs (the hardest part - to set my needs and expectations aside). Getting her permission to work with the professionals in her life while respecting her privacy/values, especially with her T and case manager at mental health center. Standing up for her rights, even when I do not agree with what she is wanting. This really has come into play with medical stuff and with jail procedures and policy. I am better able to step back from DOING for her to be able to FIND RESOURCES for her to do the work with.

[ilusa26]

Want to thank 'the plot thickens'  and 'qclor'  Both of you have helped with compassion and boundaries.  Need to develop wise mind.  Thank you.

[qcarolr]

Here is a very small book that helped me understand The Dalai Lama. It was on a table near the checkout at a bookstore, caught my eye so I bought it. Reading this helped me have a more open mind and see the commonalities with my own faith beliefs.

"The Dalai Lama: His Essential Wisdom", edited by Carol Kelly-Gangi

qcr