Reassurance

[jaynebrain]

Hello friends - I have not been on here for a while as we have had some successes and relative calm, even nice conversations and loving exchanges.  OK - here is where I need your input.  Our DD lives 30 minutes away from home in a college apartment with a room mate of her choice.  We pay dearly for this and (partly for our home life to be more peaceful) and now it is not going well.  This is the second year with this "friend" - they chose each other and were happy for the first year.  However, now there is petty conflict and DD states that she feels "bullied" and unsafe and it is all she talks about.  She has no solution, no thoughts of how she might change (of course she has done nothing wrong - ).  I spoke to the mom of this other girl to see if I could gain some insight and apparently my DD has been posting mean messages on social media - she has many different accounts that I do not have access to (she is 21 I should add).  She has done this before with a couple of different girls (it is usually girls).  She paints them so black, she is vicious and the things that come out of her mouth are unbelievable.  I like this girl and her parents and will not be a part of destroying her.  Her therapist states that we should sit on her hands and I am trying to do that.  Yesterday morning my H called me several times while I was in an important meeting to tell me that he was going to pick her up and take her to lunch and bring her home because she was beside herself.  (she also has an awful rash in a private area and is very down.  she seems to get conditions that reflect her compromised immune system and because she doesn't take care of herself as well as she should).  My husband is loving and kind and wants to be the rescuer - the consequence of that was she was raging in our home for hours. Hateful, angry, full of venom and after a long days work and being mindful of the things I needed to do next day I had reached my limit.  I invited her to leave.  She was head spinning evil and continued to rage for longer until her bf picked her up.  I asked if he would come in and eat or say hello (we really like him) and she said would you want to go into a house when someone you love has had a fight with their parents?  Really?  I don't know who I am most angry with - DD or H.  We have provided her with two rounds of DBT, college life, a car, continual therapy and the best that she can do is say that we "debase" her and  our home is a place for continual trauma.  Please validate me and tell me how things could have been different.  We have been dealing with this since 2009.

:'( :'( :'( :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, jaynebrain... .It's good to see you back and I'm happy to hear that things had been going well with your daughter, and sorry that they've gotten difficult again. This does happen as our BPD loved ones do tend to cycle in their ups and downs, and boy is that so frustrating and sad! It really gets confusing and hurtful when we do all we can to help them out, and then feel like all of that was taken for granted or discounted, and there we are in a dysregulation again... .I've been there, too, and it's very painful.

My husband is loving and kind and wants to be the rescuer - the consequence of that was she was raging in our home for hours. Hateful, angry, full of venom and after a long days work and being mindful of the things I needed to do next day I had reached my limit.  I invited her to leave.  She was head spinning evil and continued to rage for longer until her bf picked her up.  I asked if he would come in and eat or say hello (we really like him) and she said would you want to go into a house when someone you love has had a fight with their parents?  Really?  I don't know who I am most angry with - DD or H.  We have provided her with two rounds of DBT, college life, a car, continual therapy and the best that she can do is say that we "debase" her and  our home is a place for continual trauma.  Please validate me and tell me how things could have been different.  We have been dealing with this since 2009.

I'm curious... .what actually happened after your Husband brought her home that precipitated her horrible dysregulation? I can see why her anger and rage would lead you to ask her to leave, and also see how her BPD mind could cause her to not want her boyfriend to come in the house since she was feeling like a victim (whether she was or not). As you know, for our BPD loved ones, Feelings=Facts, and if she felt victimized and unloved or unwanted, then her truth (in her mind) was that you and your Husband did or said something horrible to make her feel that way (true or not).

I'd love to validate you   , and suggest how things could have gone differently... .If you can recall what started her dysregulation, maybe we can figure that out, jaynebrain 

[HealingSpirit]

Hello Jaynebrain,

It sounds to me like you and your DH did the best you could and that your DD just needed to have a meltdown.  Home is the safest place to have a meltdown because you and DH love her no matter what.  Could it be her hormones that triggered it?  Are you concerned that she is in the beginning of a downward spiral due to the drama with her roommate?  It sounds like she is ruminating about feeling bullied.  My DD17 does this too, and it is so frustrating to listen to.  I always want to help her fix her problem.  Is this what you're doing too?  I've noticed that being a fixer does NOT work with my DD.  Just listening and validating does.  My DD doesn't want a solution, she just wants to vent and be heard. I'm telling you this as a reminder to myself as well. 

I know how much it hurts to be told your home is a place of continual trauma!  My DD17 says the same type of thing when she's dysregulated.  It hurts to be told, "You've never been there for me" when my life has been all about her since she was born.  Like you, we have spent thousands on therapy, a car, a college fund.  And our DD doesn't appreciate any of it. 

Hateful, angry, full of venom and after a long days work and being mindful of the things I needed to do next day I had reached my limit.

Please don't beat yourself up about this!  I'm guessing that maybe you were already a bit frustrated when you got home because you'd been interrupted at work several times that day, which must have been embarrassing. And everybody is tired when we get home from work.  It's okay to not be on your best behavior sometimes. We can analyze our own contribution to our DDs' sudden outbursts and rages until we're blue in the face.  But we parents are allowed to be human and to not respond perfectly every time too.  Can you let it go and move on so you'll be in a better place the next time?  Or, if you want to post more of the actual conversation, as Rapt Reader suggested, it might help us all learn better ways to respond.

It sounds to me like a good time for a 5:00 cocktail tonight.     Hang in there!

[jaynebrain]

Hello there - thanks for the loving responses.  I have been able to restore a little and so has my DD and H.  Raptreader - the meltdown started after hours of going over and over all of the things that her room mate has done and said - this has been going on for weeks.  we have been trying to sit on our hands and let her deal with it, listening in small doses when she is not in our home.  It's easier to say "I am sorry that is rough" and then say goodbye when you are on the phone it seems.  However, the escalation started when we asked her what she needed from us in this situation... .I get that offering a solution is not always helpful but she was throwing it at us, like, "what are you going to do?  I am uncomfortable like this" - it feel like blame is being laid at our feet.  does that make sense?  we offered to meet with her and her room mate and also offered to include the parents... .do you want to move out?  Can you find a room mate?  There is no solution that is ever met with thanks or even an effort to meet half way. She talk to us and tells us all of the things we do wrong = invalidating, debasing (I don't even know what that is) mean mean mean.  How can I encourage my husband to set his limits?  We are continually at odds with each other about this.  He just has such a hard time with saying no, unless he has reached his limit in which case it escalates REALLY fast.  Thanks so much for the feedback and for seeing what I can't see in the moment.

[inkling16]

Do you have a family therapist? Even for just you and your husband, if your daughter won't participate? Ours was really useful in getting us to see our patterns, adjust our expectations, and get on the same page. She sees a lot of BPD because she works with troubled adolescents and their families--almost exclusively, I think. If you can find one that knows the BPD drill, it might help.

[PyneappleDays]

Cocktail? yep I'm there

Sounds rough.  I would do the same in your shoes (invite her to leave).  I know the feeling of the serenity when my dd is not here.  I feel guilty but oohh the silence and calmness.  I’d be racked with gilt that’s for sure.  My H has a saying “you’re an adult you wanted this freedom you need to fix this.  You can’t keep messing up and crawling back home” It’s a hard pill to swallow.

A couple of things you should know college life is not easy rooming with bff will test any friendship but with BPD is almost impossible.  So congratulation you've done a great job.  You do deserve a pat on the back.  If you’re like me you know it does will never get the gratitude it deserves.

What is it with BPD girls’ that makes them not get along with other girls?  Is it because they know they want to be ok and fit in but because of their anxiety they hold themselves back?  My dd too has more then one account on social media and I cringe at looking at it because I can’t believe the stuff she puts on it.

The other thing I’ve noticed is same and similar.  Girls with mental disorders seem to attacked other people with disorders.  Could they have been mean and it went back and forth.

You just need to work with her to get her back on track.