They say that you can learn much about a person's character by observing their actions under pressure or when they think no one is watching. I continue to be stunned at the actions and inactions of my exbfBPD in both scenarios.
After no "meaningful" responses from expbfBPD since he left my home August 1, 2014 when his last words to me were, "I'll pay your f'ing money back," he all but disappeared. I assumed I was getting ST; 10 weeks later I wrote him that I assumed he had moved on; that I was sorry if I had triggered his abandoning me; and that I was disappointed. NO RESPONSE. 11 weeks later, I found his online profile on the same online dating site where we met. It appeared to have been posted before or soon after he abandoned me with no explanation or breakup.
His online dating profile says, "I'm ready to begin the next chapter of my life... .I ask only for honesty, and that is what I will give." At the time I read this, I had no idea he had moved 40+ miles away to another county. All of his profile photos were in clothes I had given him--memorabilia of past beach vacations and amusement parks we shared with our children (we have no children together.) WOW--those pictures caught my attention! I was reeling. Couldn't sleep but shaken into reality.
Now in my 12th week post "the rapture", I have been following up on the advice of trustees and legal counsel to dispute unauthorized charges exbfBPD made to my credit cards as well as the collection of my personal property from him. I continue to be primarily angry with myself because I trusted and supported a man who I met online after he had been released after a 3-year federal prison sentence (something I did not know when our relationship began.) I'm reasonably certain I am one woman in a very long line of his "supporters" who later were abandoned and dumped on their heads.
Though I determined early on that he had BPD and probably ASPD and NPD; he told me only that he had been diagnosed with BP but he refused to take his prescribed medicine. Because he asked me if I knew what Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is , I'm reasonably certain he knows he has BPD. He meets 100% of the generally accepted criteria.
After a year of use and abuse (that we all are familiar with), I continued to assist him every way possible; I never seriously considered he was using me for financial assistance--especially in light of the fact that he earns 500% more than I in income, benefits from various sources, and is a very high functioning software developer. And I NEVER thought he would do anything to violate his federal probation or engage in activities that sent him to federal prison in the first place.
Trustees, attorneys, and financial advisors do not share my naivete nor my penchant for my wanting to collect my property and move on with my life. This should come as NO SURPRISE to exbfBPD; I told him (and demonstrated) many times that I was supported by financial advisors--heck! I even work for one. They have no sympathy for a BPD defense (which will not hold up in court), and they see him only as an unrepentant felon who has financially abused their client.
But 12 weeks later, exbfBPD is SHOCKED! He began hearing from creditors. I had not received a phone call from him since August 1, but last week, after he learned that my advisors are reversing charges he made to my credit cards, he texted, "SERIOUSLY--YOU REVERSED THE CHARGES?" I did not comment. He followed up with "... .and to think I was starting to miss you; go figure." He copy/pasted my query about whether or not he had moved on--so while he did not respond to my apologetic text; he had certainly saved it for later use.
Days later, he started back with the texting (keeping in mind, I had scarcely heard from this man for nearly three months--and I thought something terrible must have happened to him.) Now the texts began accusing me of harassing him and defaming him. I followed up with him only to say that all communication to me must be sent to my attorney.
Yesterday, he began copying my attorney claiming that I was lying, defaming him, and begging me to STOP. He added that I only was "retaliating" but that he had really cared for me but that I had hurt him. Somewhere in there he added that his father's cancer was worsening (completely irrelevant to a legal/financial discussion and ironic since he hasn't spoken to his father in six years--since he used his dad's social security number in a fraud scheme that sent him to prison).
But suddenly he's concerned for his father, hurt by me, retaliated against, and defamed. Victim victim victim. Never was there any hint of an apology, acknowledgement of reality, or willingness to negotiate. And yes, I know this is his disorder. This entire three months of what I thought was ST on the heels of an entire year of his abuse has taken its toll on me financially, physically, and DEFINITELY psychologically. But I haven't stopped loving him.
Weighing on my mind heavily now is what will happen to him next. There are significant threats from my trustees that they are prepared to petition the court to take control of this entire situation--and that will likely include violating his probation and sending him back to prison. The attorney agrees with the trustees, and even my older brother became involved yesterday.
Any and all advice and counsel from my BPD Family will be greatly appreciated. Today is a big tax preparation day here in the US, so at least my mind will be kept occupied with other matters. And perhaps what I need most now are prayers.
LOHL,
First may I say I am sorry. Not that you are taking appropriate and necessary measure to regain your finances, etc. But bc this is causing reengagement with your expBPD.
Churchill is correct. You learn EVERYTHING about a persons character by their actions. Not their words.
Look at your own unselfish caring actions in this r/s. And your self proclaimed ability to be a caregiver. A rescuer. You learn everything by watching a persons actions. Take a retrospective look back into your r/s with your expBPD. Balance the words you heard and line them up next to the actions of your expBPD. Then do the same with yourself.
Do you see the real person now in each of you? Do you see what was behind the mask? You are understanding yourself in therapy and much here. You now are understanding clearly BPD as well. Depersonalizing the actions is a good tool to recovery. Self protection is the next important step.
The professional advisement of your colleagues whose well attuned neutrality shows no hint of naivety when it comes to your finances is radical acceptance.
Now you are seeing the layers of the disorder in response to your actions.
I found it intersting your ex left your unresponded text thread for use later in echoing. They always seem to be able to pull something out of the rabbits hat when its to their advantage to manipulate. Nothing goes unnoticed. Remember that.
And its your fault as he he was just missing you too. Deflection. Misdirecting. Untruths. Blaming.
His fathers illness is of no concern to you. Your r/s is over. And I would suspect this is an exaggerated mistruth. More about me.
I hear a lot about ME, ME, ME. And as you stated. Nothing to inquire about YOU.
If this were my own situation, I would have NC what so ever and allow your trusted representation to handle whats necessary.
Take a pBPD's words to the wise when they mention retaliation and proposed action against you. They are only weak when they need to be. Stay clear of stepping in those waters of projections and vindication by avoiding communication.
This is not love. This is not a healthy r/s. It never was. And we are thankfully out of it.
This is a serious disorder and you are seeing further into it now.
Step away.
Look what this r /s cost you.
Take care of yourself now.