Selective memory

[ForeverDad]

When we first separated, ex wanted nothing to do with telephone calls, Our son was a preschooler then but also because either I didn't have a parenting schedule and so she could unilaterally block my father-child contact or we had protective orders against each other, I had alternate weekends and she ignored any attempts at phone calls.  However nearly 2.5 years we exited our divorce with a 50/50 decree.  Only then with reduced time did she start wanting phone calls.

One summer I and my son went one Friday on a summer daycare rafting field trip and a few drops of water got into my cell phone.  I hoped it would dry out and work but it was dead.  Son was with me 5 days from Wednesday pm to Monday pm and by that Friday she hadn't tried to call us.  I put a greeting on my cell phone that I was having cell phone problems and to call the house phones.  She never called.  Sunday night after son was asleep I listened to VMs and sure enough she had left a few VMs demanding to talk to son.  So Monday morning I called her and had him talk to her.  So at most she was out of contact for 2.5 days (and from her testimony later it was less than one day, from sometime Sunday to early Monday morning) and it was solely her fault for not calling the house phone instead.  I replaced my phone Wednesday night.

Then on Thursday we had a previously scheduled family court hearing.  Hearing started late and so of course ex added to the magistrate's frustration by claiming I refused to answer the phone.  Ex: "Now, I had attempt to call Mr. FD with my son was under his care and he refused to answer the phones in the past and I have not seen my son since Wednesday night all the way until Monday and I cannot get through... .I have, the man that I hired on Sunday to do a plumbing job, this past Sunday, and I made two phone calls while he was in the property... ."  Me responding to magistrate: "It’s a cell phone.  I have a brand new phone as of yesterday."  Court:  "So to solve the immediate problem... ."  Not one question to me about my side of her complaint and the pace was so fast I could barely squeeze in that I had just bought a new phone.  That alone ought to have alerted the court to pause and ask why I just got a new phone when ex complained I wasn't answering when she called.  Magistrate was peeved at both of us (stormed out as soon as the next date was scheduled) and took away the "reasonable" in the standard "reasonable telephone contact" clause.  That wasn't restored until earlier this year, some 4.5 years later.

Somehow the squeaky wheel, the messed up spouse, gets all the attention and coddling.  And logic and reasoning mean little by comparison.  However, over time it becomes evident - well, usually - which person is credible and which person is not credible and so it gets a little less of an uphill struggle.

So in 2011 I sought and became Legal Guardian.  When that didn't reduce the entitlement and not-so-subtle obstruction, I returned to court and at the end of 2013 I got what the GAL hadn't wanted to recommend before, majority time.  After a bit of an extinction burst, a claim to CPS by someone they wouldn't identify, it has since been manageable virtually for the first time since he was a baby.

With maybe one exception when the reception on my cell phone was poor, she never called the house phone, yet I've been listed for many years, the number easily available to her.  So of course when she calls, we sometimes don't hear for a variety of reasons and she doesn't get an answer, she leaves a VM (or texts starting this year).  So yesterday I texted back, "I didn't notice the call... .Neither of us heard it. You can call the house phone.  If it's not used much I may drop it to conserve money."  Her response?  "Then give me the house number" and "I don't have it".  I responded, "It's in the phone book. ###-###-####"  I managed to hold back from typing, "I've given it to you before."

No attempt over the years to call a number where son would often be, that would never be out of range, forgotten in the car, ringer turned down because I had been at work, with a dead battery or charging.  Yes, selective memory, picking methods that are more likely to let her make claims of "I can't talk to my son" or whatever.

[whirlpoollife]

When  I had asked my L about my situation with phone calls, he said just to not deny access of his calling  the children.   Which I obviously had not.

She has access to call , and she could have called again  and again till someone answered or texted. My x2b does that easily.

Since you have the house phone, I would suggest printing out the call list. This  would show her lack of calls , that she wasn't denied access to call.

"selective memory" is what I had referred to as "playing stupid ".  We know well what pwPD are doing but to point that out to them makes it even more frustrating.

[Nope]

I wonder that myself about selective memory. I think because it wasn't important right at the moment you said it doesn't get treated like important information that is saved for later or remembered. It has more to do with a short self-interested attention span.

DH's ex won't use the house phone either and she is enabled not to in the order because the order specifies that each kid is to be given a cell phone for calls with both parents.

[ForeverDad]

<sarcasm>

I shared with my lawyer that I'm so glad I didn't divorce decades ago before we had cell phones, I wouldn't have had enough pocket change and rolls of quarters to handle the ordered daily long distance phone calls from phone booths while I was away from home with the kids such as on trips and vacations.  And he replied, Daily calls during vacations and times away from home were never ordered in the past, it would have been a burden to find a pay phone, expensive too and no one ever expected such frequent contact when away from the other parent.  And so I asked, Why now?  Why does court order it now?  He mumbled something like, Because they can and because the world has become so entitled.

<end sarcasm>

[scraps66]

I continue to deal with this even with my now 5 yrs post custody order sentence to coparent counseling and in parallel and despite the counselors premise that, the old behavior is in the past, and we're moving forward with the "new" behavior.  As was the case with marriage counseling, the past behavior has become the present and future behavior.  This driven by ex's need to compare herself to someone who she is painting so black to every around her, including the Custody Master.  And she loses sight of the forest through the trees fighting against things that would get our S10 help with his behavior and Asperger's.  It becomes more a case of making me look bad, than a case of doing what is right for S10.  It proves that she really can't be a decision maker, and my suspicions that she really doesn't want S10 to get better on anyone elses terms but her own. In her mind if he doesn't improve he will keep running back to her in lieu of him becoming someone who can deal with his own problems. 

[scraps66]

I must be BPDPMSing, one other thing I've noticed about my exNPDBPDw, and me.  Even when operating under integrity and honesty, my delivery and explanations are less believable than ex's.  It does seem that the squeaky wheel, lying, distorting gets more press in the court room and that my calm, quiet, logical explanations are taken as less believable.  it may be fleas and the lingering FOG and my impression only, but.   

[Nope]

What I don't get is why, with so many BPDs being outted in court in the last ten to 15 years, more professionals don't take into account that one party may have a disturbance that's causing the underlying isues that make a case high conflict. I get that courts won't diagnose, but I just mean calling a spade a spade. This person, for whatever reason, is bring highly difficult and unreasonable and not at all focused on their child's actual well being and the parties are more than two years post divorce ; maybe this person is simply not capable of calming down and far more structure must be put in place. I mean that should be simple enough.

After the hundredth time there is an ongoing court case where the parent in question won't send the kids to the other parents house with decent clothes, won't bring their kid for syandard medical care without raising a ton of issues, won't allow contact with the other parent for no provable reason whenever they can get away with it, can't communicate with the other parent without completely going off the rails, etc... .You would think the courts might put two and two together that these are likely symptoms of a larger problem with the offending parent.

[Boss302]

When we first separated, ex wanted nothing to do with telephone calls, Our son was a preschooler then but also because either I didn't have a parenting schedule and so she could unilaterally block my father-child contact or we had protective orders against each other, I had alternate weekends and she ignored any attempts at phone calls.  However nearly 2.5 years we exited our divorce with a 50/50 decree.  Only then with reduced time did she start wanting phone calls.

One summer I and my son went one Friday on a summer daycare rafting field trip and a few drops of water got into my cell phone.  I hoped it would dry out and work but it was dead.  Son was with me 5 days from Wednesday pm to Monday pm and by that Friday she hadn't tried to call us.  I put a greeting on my cell phone that I was having cell phone problems and to call the house phones.  She never called.  Sunday night after son was asleep I listened to VMs and sure enough she had left a few VMs demanding to talk to son.  So Monday morning I called her and had him talk to her.  So at most she was out of contact for 2.5 days (and from her testimony later it was less than one day, from sometime Sunday to early Monday morning) and it was solely her fault for not calling the house phone instead.  I replaced my phone Wednesday night.

Then on Thursday we had a previously scheduled family court hearing.  Hearing started late and so of course ex added to the magistrate's frustration by claiming I refused to answer the phone.  Ex: "Now, I had attempt to call Mr. FD with my son was under his care and he refused to answer the phones in the past and I have not seen my son since Wednesday night all the way until Monday and I cannot get through... .I have, the man that I hired on Sunday to do a plumbing job, this past Sunday, and I made two phone calls while he was in the property... ."  Me responding to magistrate: "It’s a cell phone.  I have a brand new phone as of yesterday."  Court:  "So to solve the immediate problem... ."  Not one question to me about my side of her complaint and the pace was so fast I could barely squeeze in that I had just bought a new phone.  That alone ought to have alerted the court to pause and ask why I just got a new phone when ex complained I wasn't answering when she called.  Magistrate was peeved at both of us (stormed out as soon as the next date was scheduled) and took away the "reasonable" in the standard "reasonable telephone contact" clause.  That wasn't restored until earlier this year, some 4.5 years later.

Somehow the squeaky wheel, the messed up spouse, gets all the attention and coddling.  And logic and reasoning mean little by comparison.  However, over time it becomes evident - well, usually - which person is credible and which person is not credible and so it gets a little less of an uphill struggle.

So in 2011 I sought and became Legal Guardian.  When that didn't reduce the entitlement and not-so-subtle obstruction, I returned to court and at the end of 2013 I got what the GAL hadn't wanted to recommend before, majority time.  After a bit of an extinction burst, a claim to CPS by someone they wouldn't identify, it has since been manageable virtually for the first time since he was a baby.

With maybe one exception when the reception on my cell phone was poor, she never called the house phone, yet I've been listed for many years, the number easily available to her.  So of course when she calls, we sometimes don't hear for a variety of reasons and she doesn't get an answer, she leaves a VM (or texts starting this year).  So yesterday I texted back, "I didn't notice the call... .Neither of us heard it. You can call the house phone.  If it's not used much I may drop it to conserve money."  Her response?  "Then give me the house number" and "I don't have it".  I responded, "It's in the phone book. ###-###-####"  I managed to hold back from typing, "I've given it to you before."

No attempt over the years to call a number where son would often be, that would never be out of range, forgotten in the car, ringer turned down because I had been at work, with a dead battery or charging.  Yes, selective memory, picking methods that are more likely to let her make claims of "I can't talk to my son" or whatever.

Yep, my BPDx did this one too. She eventually bought both my daughters cell phones so she could talk them on demand, 24/7. God forbid they be out of pocket for a nanosecond, right?

It sounds like you're afraid she might make this a legal issue. If so, consider this: she has to prove the allegation. As long as you're making a good faith effort to enable your child to talk to mom, then that's what's important.

[Boss302]

I must be BPDPMSing, one other thing I've noticed about my exNPDBPDw, and me.  Even when operating under integrity and honesty, my delivery and explanations are less believable than ex's.  It does seem that the squeaky wheel, lying, distorting gets more press in the court room and that my calm, quiet, logical explanations are taken as less believable.  it may be fleas and the lingering FOG and my impression only, but.   

I see where you're coming from... .but with time, courts do see what's really going on.

[Eco]

My ex is a master of selective memory, that's why I initially started documenting everything because she tries to gas light me constantly. she still refuses to see the facts even when shown in physical evidence, she literally turns into a 5 yr old denying her hand in the cookie jar . it really shows how juvenile her thinking is

[Nope]

I wonder how much is selective memory and how much is just denial of reality. A couple of months ago, DH did something his BPDex didn't like and she raged at him over the phone about it. He told her his L advised him to do that and she started screaming "No!". Not like she was calling him a liar, but more like if she screamed loud enough that would make it so that the conversation between him and his L had never happened. It was really weird. Very much like a toddler.

[david]

All my communication with ex is through email. This eliminates "forgetting" , "selective memory" , or whatever else it may be called. My ex still "forgets" a lot of things. I simply give her the date of the email and nothing more.

We had back to school night three weeks ago. Ex actually showed up. She never went to those when we were married. She sat in the front and I sat in the back of the class. She got up towards the end and handed me a note. It said that she had S11's PSSA results and that she would copy it and give me a copy. I sent her an email a week ago reminding her. I sent another email today. 

[ForeverDad]

And oftentimes they feel they can simply Ignore it all.  In the early days of my separation and divorce she was non-responsive to just about everything and that lack of cooperation never rose to the level of court action except for the most flagrant issues that I was willing to pay to get addressed.  This is possible since there is not much risk of consequences from the legal system for almost anything but major issues and then only if we speak up.

For example, after we separated she started our son in counseling at a quasi-county agency.  In principle I was all for counseling.  But she managed to block my access including to son's records contrary to state law and that had me very concerned.  First time in court magistrate told me I had statutory rights since my access to records wasn't restricted in the temp order.  Agency still refused.  Back in court a few months later the magistrate asked ex to sign permission for me to gain normal access, she agreed.  No change, clearly she never signed anything.  Third time my lawyer presented a motion for access to son's records.  It was granted and I received over 200 pages that week.  Yes, I had been listed on the intake form as a "suspected" child abuser.  Yet I had 'standard' alternate weekends that many fathers are assigned.  I still didn't get to bring son to his sessions for a few more months, I suspect our custody evaluator had some choice words with the agency about that, otherwise I think the agency would have waited until ex was no longer the temporary custodial parent.

[livednlearned]

I remember reading a medical journal about impulsivity and BPD. When I watch N/BPD deal with conflict, I see someone who just pivots and pivots and pivots -- he's so impulsive about everything, and that includes arguing against the exact same thing he just finished arguing for. In court, once he senses that he is losing, he pivots, even if it's obvious to him and everyone else that doing so means losing his credibility. Maybe it has to do with having such an unstable sense of self?

@Nope, I wonder the same thing too. About why the courts don't catch on. All I can think of is that even the good judges rule the way they do to avoid the appeals process. They rule in the safest most conservative status quo way possible, which is to the minimal amount. And it's not a big deal to them if their ruling is inconsequential or causes problems.

My L thinks my judge is good because he spent a lot of years in juvenile court, and knows how important it is that kids have a stable adult in their lives. He saw firsthand the wreckage of bad parenting.