Ok, seriously, is it me? Seeing BPD everywhere...

[SeaSprite]

I'm wondering if I'm the carpenter who sees everything as a nail because all I have is a hammer?

My husbands ex-w has always presented as (u)BPD. Then we started seeing traits in their oldest daughter, sd24. (Identity issues, hypersensitivity, not owning her stuff)

Over the past couple of years I've been dealing with my d16's self-harm, suicide threats, self destructive behavior, that looks like BPD even if her P and T didn't call it that.

And now... .we have my sd17 on a semi suicide watch... .she is furious with her mother and just a little less furious with dh. He and sd spent a day in the ER last week for a suicide eval. She is also super-sensitive, we are walking on eggshells with her, if her dad says the wrong thing she has a panic attack and becomes suicidal.

What the heck? Is it me? Am I just seeing it everywhere? No one actually has a dx. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[chooselove]

I have noticed traits in many people although not all of them extreme.  For instance a woman in her 50's that I befriended a few months ago recently came undone on me (yelling, slammed the phone down, defriended me on facebook) and started badmouthing me around town.  My offense? I told her that five phone calls a day to me was more than I could handle and could we cut back a little bit. I definitely saw her reaction as painting me black.

Speaking of facebook I see a lot of what might be BPD type drama. Hard to tell since only one side of the public drama is visible... .but basically young adults going on and on about how victimized they are by other friends or boyfriends.  Seems to be mostly women.

My mother used to say many years ago before she passed away that one day our society would pay for all the narcissism of the 1960's.   I don't know if her link was correct but her words have stuck in my head and while BPD may have always existed only not been known... .it sure does seem to be a wide spread phenomena in recent times.

[qcarolr]

My observation is losing control outside of the nuclear family carried a great stigma -- it just wasn't talked about or acknowledged. I have heard this from my mom (in her 80's), my father-in-law (he was in his 80's when he died). There was a delay in the gossip network as well, and it stayed in a smaller circle of people outside the family. Lots of family secrets, and lots of hidden dysfunction, neglect and abuse (emotional, physical, sexual). These have broken down with the strong influence of advances/research etc. in psychology and neurology. In fact a lot of recent science based research has led to more open discussion of a lot of stuff.

There has also been a stereotype  of masculine (strong, concrete, not emotional... .) and feminine (soft, helpless, emotional, controlling... .). These were broken down in the 60's and 70's a lot, even without the wildfire of social media.

So much of this feels, to me, focused on the self to the exclusion of the needs of other people. Like my BPDDD28 often says, 'It is my life, I can do whatever I want, why does it matter so much to you!"  Well, she doesn't get how her life impacts everyone around her, esp. those that care. My observations lead me to believe that there is a much higher tolerance for dysfunctional behavior, taking less responsibility for our own actions, and a weaker family/community code of ethics to hold it all together.

My DD28 has gained the ability to self-reflect while in jail the past 8 months and seems to be accepting that she is responsible for where she is right now. I am hopeful she can find the support in family and community to help her continue to make good choices. For the past 3 weeks her calls have included the statement "How am I today? Well, hopeful". It is awesome. Even if she backslides, I think some of this learning will stick so the trek back will take less effort.

qcr

PS - DD is in jail for DWAI/pot in 2012, continuously failing probation - it got overwhelming, she returned to drugs every 6-8 weeks. Plus a really bad breakup in 2013 with ex-bf filing harassment charges - lots of violations of this probation and the no-contact order. It has been a good thing for her to be held accountable for her actions in all this - whether she agreed with the charges or not.

[borderdude]

the tool defines the problem ... .splitting is done only by BPD , as far as i know