what to do?

[westonbirt]

i have a 17 year old daughter who when she was 15 [2 years ago] was an inpatient in a psych ward, had BPD traits, self harmed and all sorts of issues, but no sex, drugs, drink etc. The last two years have been relatively good, self harm free and mood wise. She is a busy girl with school [good grades], part time work and sport commitments at a high level. Over the last month or so, a tone has crept in, sarcasm is being used frequently and her comments can be quite abrupt and rude.

Yesterday I noticed some cuts on her arm and this is the first time in two years and there is no context that I know of that would have precipitated this level of distress. I didn't comment as she has never wanted to discuss this in the past. She did notice that I was distracted and asked me why I was acting wierd. I mentioned something about work and bought some time. When she was at work I looked in her room and found some words on a few pages obviously written in blood, presumably from the wounds on her lower arm [reasonably visual to any observant person].

My question is what should I do about this? In my checking of her room, there was nothing else of note other than 5 pages saying 'self harm', 'suicide' and 'f... .k'. Any advice please.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello westonbirt 

I am glad that you have found us.

I think what I would do in this situation is to find the opportunity very soon to have a chat with her. Initially I would not refer to the self-harm but say that you have noticed that she seems very stressed and upset and you would like to help.

She may open up or she may just get cross and defensive. If you read the tools on the right hand side ---> they may help you encourage her to open up.

It does sound as if something has set her back, it may be a specific incident or just the general stress of keeping up in school or relationships.

What help was your daughter given 2 years ago-is she still in touch with any outreach worker or was she completely discharged?

It sounds like she sets high standards for herself and wants to keep up the appearance of being competent-is she starting to find it too much?

Do keep posting and let us know what she says-people here have faced similar situations and want to help

[SeaSprite]

Wow, it does sound like she's winding up about something. My d17 will have crisis that seems to come from nowhere (although I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to her).

I agree that asking gently is a good idea.

Also, you might be able to say something when she snipes or is rude, like "oh! You sound stressed" or "ouch, is there something I can help with?".

Sometimes it helps my d if I can gently call attention to her sharp/rude tone, I'm not even sure she always knows she's doing it.

[HealingSpirit]

Hello westonbirt,

My DD is 17 too. And she also has a history of cutting and self harm, but doesn't like drinking or drugs. What you have described about her behavior sounds like something Valerie Porr describes as "apparent competence." I have pasted an excerpt from her book below.

“For families, this apparent competence is one of the most frustrating, perplexing, and confusing aspects of BPD.”

Excerpt From: Valerie Porr, M.A. “Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change.” Oxford University Press. iBooks.

This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBooks Store: https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewBook?id=774941262

Your DD17 sounds like she has been fairly high-functioning for a while, so this discovery of evidence that she is still suffering must be so heartbreaking! I agree with Lever and SeaSprite that you need to find a gentle, safe way to help her open up asap. My DD is not an overachiever, but I was as a teen. The "apparent competence" Porr talks about describes my own behavior back then, so I have a couple of hunches about your DD.

Your DD sounds like an overachiever to me and she probably cannot sustain the pace she has been living. Good grades, high level sports, AND a job sounds like a lot of stress for any kid, but for someone with BPD, it is probably too much. I was an overachiever in HS too, but I could not keep up the pace I set for myself. Thankfully, I don't have BPD, but I have dealt with depression since my adolescence. When my stress level became unmanageable, I became depressed, withdrew and shut down. Your DD uses different strategies, like sarcasm and cutting.  But I believe she has a very painful, private internal world and I have a hunch she feels a lot of shame whenever she fails in her mind.

I don't know what your DD is telling herself, but my self talk was very damaging back then. I hated myself for not being able to keep up the ridiculously high standards I had set for myself. I had my self-esteem all intertwined with my achievements. I remember thinking no one could possibly love me unless I got straight A's, became a doctor, a great artist, a concert pianist, AND I had to eat a perfect, healthy diet with NO sugar or refined products. My all-or-nothing thinking at the time made me think if I so much as ate a cookie, or got a B on a test, I was a complete and utter failure.  It was a recipe for a downward spiral of shame and depression. I wound up taking the proficiency exam and getting my GED because I could no longer cope with high school. My college years were pretty rocky too. I eventually graduated with a B.A. but not until I was 30.

Has your DD been in any kind of therapy since her hospitalization 2 years ago?  If you can find a DBT therapist, that could help, if your DD is open to going. The problem with 17-year-olds is they already know everything. (I remember thinking I had enough life experience and that I knew all the answers to help myself. )

If you haven't already read it, I strongly recommend Porr's book I gave you the info for above.

I don't have any answers, but if my hunch about your DD's high achievement and perfectionism is correct, then I suspect she is hiding a lot of personal shame. Hopefully that will help give you some insight into her behavior.

Having a 17-yo is a tough age for every parent I know, but it's even harder for us who have BPD17s. Hang in there!

[tristesse]

hello westonbirt,

Like lever, I m glad you found us.  I think if you haven't already that you should read the tools on the  right hand side of this page. They are quite useful, and have helped many of us.

I know how distressed you are about your daughters recent self harm, there is a sense of hopelessness and helplessness associated  with this behavior.

I agree that you should at least try and start a dialogue with her, but tread lightly, she is obviously in a state of mind where self harm is a relief or some sort of emotional release. Don't pressure, but reassure her that you are there for her no matter what.

Maybe her plate is a little full right now, and she just fells overwhelmed. Whatever it is, be there for her if you can.

Please keep posting and update us. big hug to you.

[westonbirt]

thank you all for your responses. There was so much material that was spot on for me to think about.

The Valerie Porr book sounds great and I will buy it on line. My daughter has taken on a lot and I do think the stress of all her committments has taken a toll and maybe there is a catalyst that I don't know about. It is good to know that there are so many helpful and supportive people out there.

I will broach the cutting very soon and offer support. Thank you to Seasprite for insight into her teenage world. My daughter is always doing more, now she is becoming a referee for futsal and that is another course at night. She needs to slow down. We have perfectionism in my family and that brings issues too.

Again thanks and all of you comments were much appreciated and all your ideas taken on board.