I'm Moving On to the Leaving Board (Very Long Post)

[ATLandon]

I don't even know where to begin with all of this or how to make a long sequence of events over the past year into a concise story here, but I will do my best. In a nutshell, my uBPDwife has completely changed her modus operandi in our relationship. As long as I have known her for the last 10 years she has always been a very critical (of herself, other people, and especially me) person, extremely needy of my emotional space and my time, has extreme abandonment issues when I got out of town for short times or work overtime, and has monopolized my life in every way she possibly can. That's just the short list but the main parts that are relevant to what is happening in our lives now.

So much has changed in our lives in the past year alone: I was laid off from a great paying job that I loved and have gone through a long and hard series of crappy jobs to make ends meet, I started going back to school and chosen a new academic/career path to pursue full-time for 2-3 years this summer, I got sober, we got a roommate (a close friend of mine) at the beginning of the year, and my wife also started going back to school and is looking into a new career. Its a lot to deal with in just one short year. I'm really starting to now understand why they say in AA to keep big life changes/events to a minimum your first year of sobriety. Also, I understand because I relapsed a couple weeks ago. I haven't even gotten drunk nor have I even enjoyed drinking like I used to. I just needed something in my life to familiar again. Drinking felt familiar.

My wife has never had many friends and has always had a very difficult time in connecting with other people. Hence why she has always been very domineering of my time spent with her. Since our roommate (known as RM from here on) moved in though they have been getting closer, which I helped to encourage between the two of them. He's in his early 20's and my wife is in her early 30's, so I think she has liked having someone to bond with on a similar emotional maturity level, as well as to act as a mentor.

Our RM has been in a long-term, long-distance relationship (until last week) with a girl who is pretty unstable herself. I started noticing a lot of red flags with her (lying, cheating, manipulative behavior, etc.) and had talked about this in great length with both him and my wife in private. My wife then asserted that she thought his girlfriend was BPD! Honestly, I'm not sure if the RM's girlfriend is BPD or not, as she does have diagnosed autism and anxiety which very well could appear as BPD-like symptoms. Whatever, though, that isn't the point. My wife has since gone on a crusade about how manipulative, lying, and generally a bad person the girl is and has gone on and on about this girl's supposed BPD symptoms and how my wife would know because her mother is BPD. Honestly, it has all been very laughable on my end. Especially considering I told my wife point-blank that I thought she has BPD and should see a professional for help. Her response? "I can't believe you ever think such a thing about me? Go to hell you piece of ___!" That was sometime in the last year or so and not an other word has been said about it. I didn't see the point in pushing it. Anyways... .its all just very comical that my uBPDw has been so great at demonizing the RM's girlfriend as BPD with no sympathy to the disease and has been set on "helping him through" all of it.

I have counseled my RM on considering breaking up with the girl since they have always been long-distance with no intention of living near each other anytime soon, along with the fact that they have very difficult problems already in such a young relationship. Honestly, I see a lot of my younger self in him and that particular relationship and have been doing my darndest to save him from the heartache I wish someone could have saved me from with my wife. I know, I know... .that damn rescuer in me came out again.

So over the past few months my wife has started going out to dinner and other social activities with the RM. I thought it was a little odd at first  , since those were things she never would have done before without me en tow, but I encouraged it greatly since she was being social and doing different things. I saw great progress in this. She has become more independent and less needy of me, allowing me to pursue academics and alone time without guilt or fear of punishment. But then more weird things started happening. My RM is a major pot-head and my wife started smoking with him. When her and I first met I smoked occasionally and she forbade me from ever doing it again and told me she would dump me if she ever found out I smoked again. I thought it was a bit harsh but I agreed since I never had addictive issues with marijuana. So, now here she is smoking regularly in our own home! She has gotten so drunk/high with him that she ended up passing out and spending the night in his room. Once again, I didn't think much of it since 1) I also passed out in his room a few times smoking  and 2) I trust my RM as a close friend and he has never shown any sexual interest in my wife.

Then last week our RM was dumped by his girlfriend (for the third time in a year) and he took it very hard. My wife and I had planned a month in advance to go out of town right after his breakup but since he seemed a little unstable my wife decided to stay with him while I went on the trip to scout colleges for myself. Let me tell you, in all the 10 years we have been together I have never, ever been able to even go on a day trip just to visit family without her blowing up my phone to see where I am, how long I'm going to there, what I'm doing, and who I'm doing what with. Seriously, it is beyond stressful planning a trip with, but especially without her being present. This time though... .a completely different story. I said my goodbyes to my wife and RM, by stopping by her work before heading out. I told her I was making a pit stop halfway to my destination to visit an old friend (which would usually trigger her into a manic interrogation) to which she said, "Okay, have fun with your friends!"   So, I did and it was great. I had dinner with an old friend until about 9 pm and then got back on the road. Still not a word from my wife all day since I had left. I finally got to my destination about 11 pm and checked into my hotel. Still, no word from my wife. It was starting to worry me since I was used to having a barrage of messages at this point in the past. I thought maybe the cell tower changes had effected my phone reception so I turned my phone on and off a couple times over the course of an hour. Nope... .nothing. So, I tried calling her and no one answered. I tried calling my RM; no answer.    Weird, but there wasn't much to be done about it so I turned in for the night and tried to enjoy the unusual peace.

I woke up the next day, alone in my hotel room, to find no new messages on my phone or by e-mail. At this point I was very worried about my wife and tried calling her a few times before heading out to my meeting with a representative at the school I'm interested in. When I returned from the meeting I called again repeatedly and she finally answered at 1:30 in the afternoon, groggy and just waking up at the sound of my call. I think that was the first time in a very, very long time I recognized a hint of guilt/shame in her voice when she spoke to me  . She said very nonchalantly (though with a hint of guilt) that she had stayed up with the RM all night keeping him company to keep his mind off his breakup and that he was doing well, and oh, by the way, she had slept in his bed again while I was gone. I knew something had happened but I honestly didn't care enough to make a deal out of it. I told her my plans for the rest of my trip and asked about hers.  I told her I was seeing an other friend, a female friend at that, and she told me to have fun     . My wife didn't talk to me again the rest of that day until I called her that evening. I told her I was getting up early to leave the following morning and make some out of-the-way pit stops to visit family. In the past, that would have set her off catastrophically to cause a major meltdown. Once again, she acted happy for me and just said for me to drive safe.

When I got home around noon the next day the house was quiet and my poor dogs were locked in our bedroom alone. I took care of them and then went to the RM's room where I found them in bed together, except they were dead asleep and my wife was only wearing a tank top and just her panties (a scantily clad departure from when I had to wake her in his room before). I made her get up and go to our bedroom and talk to me. She said she stayed up until 7 am with our RM because his ex-gf had been harassing him after the breakup and he had said he thought about cutting myself. I told her I was glad everyone was safe and that it was nice of her to take care of him but it wasn't really appropriate for her to be in bed with him under the covers with hardly any clothes. She turned it around on me and said I was making a bigger deal of it than what it was. If I had cared, I would have gone off on her. As it is, I've been done with this relationship emotionally for a long time and let it go.

This morning she came into our bedroom from the RM's and told me to take care of our dogs  . So, here I am writing all of this while she is asleep in our room at 2 in the afternoon. They stayed up again all night "talking about his breakup." Yeah, okay  . I'm just done with all of this. I think the worst part is that I'm on eggshells now more than ever because my wife is acting like a completely different person. I keep thinking that eventually the insanity that I know will come back and its going to be like World War 3 when she does get back to normalcy.

I think in some weird way she is trying to work through all of our past relationship problems through our RM. He is exactly the same age I was when her and I met, he is more or less struggling with similar life issues I struggled with at his age, and he trusts her without pause the way I did (even though I told him before he moved in about her BPD and emotional issues, to be aware). If anything, I feel bad for the guy. I see him hopping out of one bad situation with his ex and unknowingly hopping right into an even worse one with my wife. Can I prove that they are having a physical relationship? No. But I know that there is something there... .even if it is only on my wife's end and even if it is purely only emotional. It is real and I see it. The way she looks at him when he talks, all doe eyed and tender... .vulnerable. The way she wants to spend all her free time with him and abandons all responsibility (except for work). I think she is moving on from me, whether she even realizes it or not. And I'm okay with it.

We had an argument a few weeks ago where I got upset with her for making me late, which snowballed into her yelling at me where she accused me of yelling at her (which I didn't) for expressing my anger with her for making me late. Then I did actually started yelling at her and exploded with how angry I've been at her for years for all the emotional abuse she has treated me with. She tried to turn it around on me and make it seem like it was my fault for making her act that way. I disagreed and to which she called me, and I quote, "A worthless ___ing piece of ___!" I'm not gonna lie and play innocent. That set me off and I'm sure I called her at least "a b*tch," and "a manipulative ___." I then went on to tell her in no uncertain terms that she was never going to talk to me or treat me the way she was now or had in the past or else. She asked, "Or else what? You're going to divorce me?" She asked in such a way that she sounded in disbelief, calling my bluff like the p%ssy I had always been in the past. I told her dead cold, "Yes, I mean divorce and yes I mean that. Don't you dare try me anymore from this day forward." Ever since that day she turned 180 degrees on me.

I cheated on her in the past. I've talked about that on here before. It was an emotionally immature response to the years of emotional abuse (sometimes physical) that I allowed to happen and put up with. I lied to her about cheating to avoid my own feelings as well as to protect myself from her wrath. In fact, I hid it so well she never had a clue. So, somehow all of this happening now just seems rational in some strange way. I don't know what more to say about it... .its just all insanity. I want out of this way of life.

I think I actually may have the opportunity to get out of this marriage without much trouble (quickly knocks on wood). Hell, maybe she will even be the one to initiate it eventually, though I doubt that. God, there is so much more I could say about all this but at this point I'm shaking and I just need to step away from the computer.

[Indyan]

Hi, I've read your (long ) story.

All I can say is that you cannot stay in this situation. What now? You're going to stay there, being the witness of their feelings and their "happiness"?

No way!

Have you tried to talk to your friend? To hear his version of the story and to tell him to leave, to find another room? Then if she wants to go and smoke/spend the night with him, it will happen ELSEWHERE.

Meanwhile, try and sort out your feelings, and whether or not you really want to divorce.

Take care 

[Silveron]

Do you own the house?  If so, kick her and the roommate out.  There is no trust, no loyalty.  The foundation of the marriage is gone.  It's been gone for a very long time.  It doesn't matter if she is BPD or not.  Her lies, deceit, cheating has destroyed any bond between you two.  Your best option is to find a good lawyer and protect yourself.  Any joint checking accounts get put into your name or move the funds over.  Cancel any joint credit cards as well.

[ATLandon]

Do you own the house?  If so, kick her and the roommate out.  There is no trust, no loyalty.  The foundation of the marriage is gone.  It's been gone for a very long time.  It doesn't matter if she is BPD or not.  Her lies, deceit, cheating has destroyed any bond between you two.  Your best option is to find a good lawyer and protect yourself.  Any joint checking accounts get put into your name or move the funds over.  Cancel any joint credit cards as well.

You're absolutely correct in that the marriage has been done for quite a long time. I did not confront my wife or roommate/friend about the situation. However, while my wife and I were driving today she asked me, "So what do you think about having a triad?" I had joked a few times in the past about making our roommate our triad (he is bisexual and has a major crush on me) in order to get him to break up with his now-ex-g/f. I was only joking though and thought that was clear. Evidently that's what opened the door to Pandora's box in this mess. I told my wife I was not interested in the least but she was more than welcome to bang him if she was interested. I was baiting her for a reaction and information at this point. She looked shocked and blew it off. I told her that I know she has feelings for him and I can see it every time she looks at him when we're all together. I also said that she hasn't been interested in me in the last couple weeks, which she denied. I explained that none of this was a judgement, just what I've noticed and she is the one who brought it up after all.

Then I mucked it all up when she asked me if I even wanted to be with her anymore since I said she was free to ___ him, just to keep me out of it. I told her I was honestly questioning things; that I have been for years.  I also told her I wasn't sure if I still wanted to have children (actually, I just don't want to have children with HER). She was upset but didn't cry or go into a rage. That was shocking in itself. I know she doesn't really love me anymore in that way. Our marriage is just comfortable and safe for her. She doesn't get that sense of security anywhere else in her life. Hence why she will never willingly let go of it. So, things are in a bit of a muck now thanks to me opening my big mouth.

Luckily for me, I own the house and my own car, as well as am the primary owner for my wife's car. I would divide our assets fairly and make sure she is taken care of. Hell, I'd still want to be friends in the future. She's a good person deep down and I do love her, like I have loved no one else romantically, but Lord only knows how bad she is for me when we're together. Right now I'm trying to brainstorm on keeping the peace around here when she gets home from work tonight while getting important documents copied and in a safe place. I know I'm going to have to figure a way out of this marriage in one piece, sooner rather than later.