Was it really all about the coffee maker?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi folks. I am now posting on the undecided board. I was on the leaving board. Thought we were over and then, yes, recycle and then... .well, you know the drill. FOG. I love her.

We have been doing better and then its been a bit of a backslide the week.

Anyway... about the coffee maker... .

She is trying to be more "wifey" in our house ( which is actually my house and I am reminded of that all the time thank you very much) and decided to re-arrange and organize the kitchen. It looked great. Fantastic. I thanked her profusely. I did however tell her that I really wanted the coffee maker back to where it was. That began a 15 minute back and forth on why/why not. It ended in her refusing to talk to me. That was yesterday.

I am practicing the tools. Really I am. But its hard. And I am feeling sad and unloved.

And I am out of town and that makes it harder. She won't return my texts or take my phone calls.

Punishment.

[michel71]

Hi folks. I am now posting on the undecided board. I was on the leaving board. Thought we were over and then, yes, recycle and then... .well, you know the drill. FOG. I love her.

We have been doing better and then its been a bit of a backslide the week.

Anyway... about the coffee maker... .

She is trying to be more "wifey" in our house ( which is actually my house and I am reminded of that all the time thank you very much) and decided to re-arrange and organize the kitchen. It looked great. Fantastic. I thanked her profusely. I did however tell her that I really wanted the coffee maker back to where it was. That began a 15 minute back and forth on why/why not. It ended in her refusing to talk to me. That was yesterday.

I am practicing the tools. Really I am. But its hard. And I am feeling sad and unloved.

And I am out of town and that makes it harder. She won't return my texts or take my phone calls.

Punishment.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

A BPD mind is not something I think us nons can understand.  I don't think the pwBPD even understands their own mind.  If anything I would guess that she became upset because something was said about her "gift" of tidying up the kitchen.  They are very fragile and emotionally are still preschoolers. 

[michel71]

What is strange is that when she broke her silent treatment she made it a point to clarify that she wasn't reorganizing for me at all. It was for her. To make HER feel more at home. Not a gift for me or to please me. Another stab. The worse part is that she has knifed me and then gone back into silence once more, leaving me to fester if I chose ( and that is the challenge for us nons... .not to fester) while I am out of town and must attend to things that don't and can't involve her. Nice.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Sounds like she is just trying to twist the knife, attacking any possible crumb of sanity you have to hold on too.  So it isn't about the coffee maker.  It could have been about anything like bringing home the wrong brand of carrots for stew or leaving your dirty socks out.

Lord knows what triggers them.  My exBPDgf was more the quiet type.  I only saw silent treatment in the end and she left.  I didn't have a chance to practice the tools in the workshop here.  I wish you better luck.  You being out of town could be fortuitous.  Let her self soothe, read up here and enjoy your freedom abroad.

[michel71]

THanks Reluctant. You have a point. I am out of town. I should enjoy myself. She can deal with her own issues. And I will keep coming here and dealing with mine.

[Panda39]

You rejected her re-decorating = you rejected her