She's about to blow

[tristesse]

Hi everybody,

I have  had no need to make a post of my own for several weeks now, and that's a good thing because it means that my dd has been pretty calm. Here's the deal though, I know she's getting ready to blow up, all of the signs of a pending explosion are there and in place.

It starts off by her being irritable and on edge, then she starts making biting comments, and then she just gets downright rude, trying to draw somebody in, and then BAM, she blows sky high.

She is currently in the rude phase of things, and pushing hot buttons left and right. So far I have been able to maintain, and keep her at bay, but I don't know how much longer I can. She has been telling me to just shut up and stop talking all together ( even when I am speaking to somebody else, and even from a different part of the house ) She has been telling me I am ultra annoying, I should just leave( the house is mine, not hers, she is living with me, not the other way  around ). Last night we had a discussion about the condition of my house, and I was told that I'm just a nag and a whiner. ( the house is a disaster, and she does not work or go to school and I work 50 plus hours a week ) and finally, I am having some serious health issues right now, and she has told me to stop being a drama queen, I'm not laying in the hospital dying after all. ( this from the hypochondriac, who gets every illness and disease she hears about or reads about, everything from lupus to spinal stinosys to a brain tumor ).

So my question is, what do I do, How can I keep her calm and from actually going into a rage?  I'm quite tired physically and emotionally, and my own health issues are not helping at the moment.

Any suggestions are welcome. Please and thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello Tristesse

If she's going to blow she's going to blow-you can't do a lot to prevent it-so get your armour on!

This is a time for self care big style. If we don't feel well it can be difficult to remain resilient. I have an auto-immune disease and if it flares up I know that I am more reactive and tearful. As you say this is more likely to elicit nasty comments than sympathy.

You have already said that boundry setting is hard work. All you could say is that if she doesn't help in the house she can't live with you and I don't think that while you are feeling unwell is a good time for this.

If you have the energy I would re-read the communication tools and see if you can defuse things with careful communication.

If you feel too unwell I would stay out of her way take lots of early nights etc and ignore, ignore, ignore the negative comments.l

It does sound as if she is feeling unhappy and looking for a row so that she can project.

Can you explain to your husband that you are keeping out of her way for a few days as you aren't feeling well. Would he support you?

Remember you can't necessarily keep her calm (although the communication tools will help) you can only keep yourself calm.

If she tries to start an argument remember not to JADE which will only keep it going.

All very easy to say from the outside-but basically keep out of her way for a while and look after yourself 

[Verbena]

What about this?  Text or e-mail your daughter something along these lines:

":)D, I love you very much and have been proud of the way you have managed your emotions in the past few week and up until recently have been pleasant/respectful (whatever)

It's very clear that we are moving away from the peace we all enjoyed for several weeks.  YOu are more than welcome to prove me wrong, but it is obvious a rage is on the horizon.  I will not live in my own home like someone waiting for another terrorist attack without a plan.  If your behavior escalates into verbal abuse and raging, I will walk away.  Your father, if here, will do the same.  911 will be called.    I will remove your son from the situation immediately.   

I know that you are struggling and hurting.  What can you do NOW to prevent the escalation that we can all see coming?  I am willing to talk with you about this in a calm manner if you would like.  You have choices right now that will determine the outcome. 

I love you." 

[chooselove]

I love what you wrote, Verbena.  It is done with love, clarity and a sincere desire for the benefit of everyone.   It's my preference to speak honestly like that.   The only thing that I wonder about is if the D could see it for what it is.  With my D these types of notes are handily rejected with anger.   I wonder if it could even be distilled further to something like, "Is there something you want to talk about?"   So hard to say and each person is different.  I feel so badly for Tristesse having to be told to shut up and that she's annoying, etc. etc. because I was told to shut up so much when my D lived with us. I didn't take it personally but it still puts a demeaning cloud over the home.  I still question whether we are right to ignore such things as it also teaches our children it's okay to talk to us that way.   My first marriage was to a very abusive man.  Typically, I would ignore his rages and be passive waiting for them to stop.  Years after our divorce he told me, "If you had just stood up to me then the rages would have quit. I became more angry that you seemed so indifferent to them."   I think that's hogwash in the sense that he had no justification for his abuse.  BUT it told me how his mind worked... .that he respected me less for letting him dish it out.  There's no way I would tolerate my current husband rage at me like that.  So, it gives me pause for thought.  I have a friend with lupus and celiac and she put up with her husband's rages for years.  When she reached the point where she said no more, packed her stuff and left him, her health symptoms greatly improved and she really began to glow with health inside and out.   

[SeaSprite]

So my question is, what do I do, How can I keep her calm and from actually going into a rage?  I'm quite tired physically and emotionally, and my own health issues are not helping at the moment.

Any suggestions are welcome. Please and thank you.

Echoing the other members, you might not be able to stop it, so it might be time to put whatever things in place you will need if she blows, whether that is an overnight bag if you might end up in hospital with her or keeping your phone close if you'll need 911, or extra sleep and a stockpile of easy to grab food for when you don't have time to do anything.

That being said, some things that seem to help with my d:

1. Short, to the point, polite replies to rudeness: "ouch" "excuse me?" "did you mean that?" "you sound angry with me" etc.

2. If the rudeness continues, "Let's try this later" and walking away. Or sometimes I don't say anything, I give her the mom look and walk away.

3. If I do need to walk away, come back later, put an arm around her and say "I love you. Is there anything you need from me?"

4. When things get heated, telling her that she can hate me all she wants, I still love her. That she doesn't have to like me or what I do, that she can choose to be different than me. That she can think I'm a terrible mom, that it's ok. That I'm doing the best I can with what I have, and if what she needs is me to be a different person it won't happen, but if there is something concrete I can do to help her I will.

5. Asking for small contributions to the household when it looks like it will land ok, so that we can practice success, "Mom, can I take the car?" "Yes, please unload the dishes first." (I only do this when I'm totally fine with a tantrum and withholding the car, otherwise I back myself into a corner) And ignoring the pig-pen-ness when it looks like it will cause a problem, just doing it myself without comment or complaint, to role-model what I'd like to see happen.

6. When nothing helps, when everything just makes it worse, being honest about that. "Right now it seems like everything I say to you makes things worse between us, I think it's better if I leave you alone." And then try to keep my distance.

The more I show that I care about her, and the less concern I show for how she feels about me, the better she is.

Hang in there, I hate that feeling of waiting for the grenade to go off. 

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Tristesse,

Maybe with time, and when you feel well, you will be able to little by little work on what helps in these situations by both - using the communication tools to make a better connection that makes sense to your dd, AND at the same time protecting yourself better from her undesirable behaviors.

Right now, when you see it coming and you are feeling unwell, it's probably best to just get ready for it and protect yourself as best as you can. The good news is that you know your dd's patterns, so it won't take you by surprise.

Do you have any safety concerns that are still a problem that you might need to get ready for?

These are three workshops that I like to go over to remind myself of some of the issues connected to rages:

Ragephobia, the fear of being raged upon

Don't pick it up

How to take a time out

I still question whether we are right to ignore such things as it also teaches our children it's okay to talk to us that way.

Verbal abuse and rages usually have an escalating pattern. Ideally - no. It's not ok for anyone to talk to us this way, and it's not a good idea to simply ignore it. If it's just starting, it's best to nip it in the bud.

However, if this has been a long-term pattern now, it won't be easy to get that behavior to stop, plus there might be more important issues at hand that take priority at the moment. It is still a valid goal to work toward that (living our values, expressed by our boundaries) and to help our loved ones to express their distress in more acceptable ways.

[theplotthickens]

Honestly, if I have the energy I do the skills.  However, if I am too tired, I just disengage and do not give any energy to the nasty behavior.  I haven't found that one helps more than the other, honestly.  My dd has antisocial tendencies, and dominating me and toying with me by making me suffer is important to her, so any response is a payoff to her.

Does your dd feed off any and all response to her behavior?  Mine is like a vampire looking for blood.

If you think of not giving her your energy on unworthy behaviors, would that help you?  I am exhausted right now, and about ready to blow myself.  I am tired of being jr. therapist all the time to a person who is unwilling to change.  I am not sure how long we are willing to have her live here. 

How do you feel about having her find other living arrangements if she continues to be committed to making you miserable?

[tristesse]

Thank you all for the support. I am bracing for the storm.  I spoke to her with much trepidation this afternoon. she was not very receptive, so I backed off. I am just trying  to stay cleave her for now.

[theplotthickens]

Do you have a written safety plan? 

[tristesse]

I am reviewing some of the tools and workshops, but I can say with all honesty that she seemed to be in a better place yesterday evening than she had been for the last few days. I'm not sure, but I think she is working on trying to keep her rages under control and find better ways to communicate and deal with her own emotions.

Typically she would display behaviors that would let us all know she was itching for a fight, and it would inevitably happen. This turn she took last night, was new and different. I'm not sure of I should accept this as good or if I should be leery? So I think I'll just observe for now. Anyway you look at it, she kept the rage at bay, and I'm not mad at that.

[Rapt Reader]

That sounds great, tristesse! You gave her some space and it seems that she self-regulated... .Sometimes taking a break and waiting to see what happens is actually the right course; not reacting and detaching gives our loved one time to center herself on her own. And that's a very good thing  

We have a new Article: Supporting a Child in Therapy for BPD (whether they are in Therapy or not, actually) that I think would be beneficial for you in this case. And beneficial for all of our members (we have a thread about it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198345.0); I really encourage you to read it. The whole Article, but at the end of it you will find information relevant to your specific situation right now, with subjects such as:

What Should We Do When Things Go Wrong?

How Do We Solve Problems?

How Do We Set And Enforce Rules?

I read the whole Article last night, and I have found so many valuable insights, and so much good advice to keep in mind and think about. Something under "How Do We Solve Problems?" really got me thinking:

Collaborate.

When solving a family member’s problems:

a) involve the family member in identifying what needs to be done

b) ask whether the person can “do” what’s needed in the solution

c) ask whether they want you to help them “do” what’s needed. Problems are best tackled through open discussion in the family. Everyone needs to be part of the discussion.

People are most likely to do their part when they are asked for their participation and their views about the solution are respected. It is important to ask each family member whether he or she feels able to do the steps called for in the planned solution. By asking, you show recognition of how difficult the task may be for the other person. This goes hand in hand with acknowledging the difficulty of changing. You may feel a powerful urge to step in and help another family member. Your help may be appreciated or may be an unwanted intrusion. By asking if your help is wanted before you step in, your assistance is much less likely to be resented.





I really recommend this new (updated) Article to anyone on this site, especially parents. I guess it just "spoke" to me  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Here's another relevant (to this thread) part of that Article I mentioned above:

Listen.



People need to have their negative feelings heard. Don’t say, "It isn’t so." Don’t try to make the feelings go away. Using words to express fear, loneliness, inadequacy, anger, or needs is good. It’s better to use words than to act out on feelings.

When feelings are expressed openly, they can be painful to hear. A daughter may tell her parents that she feels abandoned or unloved by them. A parent may tell his child that he’s at the end of his rope with frustration.

Listening is the best way to help an emotional person to cool off. People appreciate being heard and having their feelings acknowledged. This does not mean that you have to agree.

Let’s look at the methods for listening.

One method is to remain silent while looking interested and concerned. You may ask some questions to convey your interest. For example, one may ask, "How long have you felt this way?" or "What happened that triggered your feelings?" Notice that these gestures and questions imply interest but not agreement.

Another method of listening is to make statements expressing what you believe you’ve heard. With these statements, you prove that you are actually hearing what the other person is saying. For example, if your daughter tells you she feels like you don’t love her, you can say, even as you are contemplating how ridiculous that belief is, "You feel like I don’t love you?" When a child is telling her parents that she feels as if she has been treated unfairly by them, parents may respond, "You feel cheated, huh?" Notice once again, these empathic statements do not imply agreement.

Do not rush to argue with your family member about her feelings or talk her out of her feelings. As we said above, such arguing can be fruitless and frustrating to the person who wants to be heard. Remember, even when it may feel difficult to acknowledge feelings that you believe have no basis in reality, it pays to reward such expression. It is good for people, especially individuals with BPD, to put their feelings into words, no matter how much those feelings are based on distortions. If people find the verbal expression of their feelings to be rewarding, they are less likely to act out on feelings in destructive ways. Feelings of being lonely, different, and inadequate need to be heard. By hearing them and demonstrating that you have heard them using the methods described above, you help the individual to feel a little less lonely and isolated. Such feelings are a common, everyday experience for people with BPD. Parents usually do not know and often do not want to believe that their daughter feels these ways. The feelings become a bit less painful once they are shared. Family members may be quick to try to talk someone out of such feelings by arguing and denying the feelings. Such arguments are quite frustrating and disappointing to the person expressing the feelings. If the feelings are denied when they are expressed verbally, the individual may need to act on them in order to get her message across.


I just keep finding things I find very insightful, and need to share 

[tristesse]

Rapt Reader your are a true blessing. I love how informative you are, and the links that you provide are always spot on. I just read through your responses to me , I haven't even followed the link yet, but from you have shared here, I know it just what I need.

Thank you

[pessim-optimist]

I am reviewing some of the tools and workshops, but I can say with all honesty that she seemed to be in a better place yesterday evening than she had been for the last few days. I'm not sure, but I think she is working on trying to keep her rages under control and find better ways to communicate and deal with her own emotions.

Do you think this had anything to do with your attempt at talking with her or did it just happen on its own?

Is your dd more respectful again?

[tristesse]

I'm really not at all sure. I know she has been up and down the past few days. I noticed that she has been removing herself when she starts to get angry. She has made a few snippy biting comments, but has been able to reign it in, and she walks away.  Whatever the reason, i'll take it.

[pessim-optimist]

It could be that she had some insight in her behavior and is really trying, or maybe you are doing something different and she is adjusting to that in a positive way.

It sounds awesome either way!