Having a hard time with ex girl and pregnancy.

[ynguns2]

I don't  know where to start I have been having so many problems with this whole freaking situation. I was dating her for two months and then she gets pregnant. We started off so good I met her through friends and we were both recently out of toxic relationships which is why I think we were both not ready to date at that time :-(.

I was excited at first but she had put so many demands on me and was so worried about her reputation as a teacher and what her faculty and her kids parents would think having a baby and not married. I told her when we first met that I cannot leave the state because i am a professional firefighter and our pension states we have to stay in my state and she lives in another state.

She tells me that I should buy her a ring and then even wanted me to sell my hour and buy a new one. There is nothing wrong with my house at all and I don't have $$$ to just blow on a new house especially when I have only dated her for 2 months at this time.

Her family got way too involved her mom came into this situation and started micro managing everything. She would come to all the doctor visits and always commenting on how I am jerk because I did not buy her a ring. My mother was never even involved at all in fact not even invited to the damn baby shower.

Last month I get home from the firehouse and I receive a text saying " My water broke, on way to hospital " I was sleeping and heard the text an hour after it was sent. I immediately headed out the door and to the hospital which takes an hour to get there.

I arrived at hospital roughly an hour after she texted me and I tried to call her and her mom but no answer. I get to the room and knock on door and say "it's ynguns2" all I heard was " Get Out ! " from her mother I was so pissed but then they came and said I can come into the room but had to sit in corner but at least i seen the birth of the child.

I have always had my suspicions on this child being mine due to how fast things happened. I was very hurt the following day when she asked me to sign birth certificate and she kept her last name for the girl. I was advised not to sign the certificate unless my name was the last name,so I refused and contacted my attorney who I met with a few days after.

I put the girl on my insurance as my attorney advised but I have rarely seen her and she refuses to let my mother come to see the child because she is " Breast feeding " I am sick of her crap and she kept her name out of spite. I have a court date next month and she received a notice and is pissed at me saying we could have handled this like adults but don't adults work out things? she has not come by my house in 3 months and I have had enough of driving an hour each way to her.

I am stressed I keep asking myself did I do everything possible? I wanted a relationship and a family but she is impossible to have one with and she is a huge micro manager /control freak.

I need advice please :-(

[slimmiller]

My expereince has taught me that if I have a doubt about my exBPD, its probably for good reason.

Her insisting on you signing the birth certificate and then not allowing your last name, stinks. First thing I would do in your situation is request a paternity test. I am not a betting man... .but


As far as you not buying a ring, dont let her guilt trip you. The long and the short of it is she doesnt deserve a ring from you if she treats you like this

[ynguns2]

Hi and thanks yes I will have a paternity test done then if child is mine will sign birth certificate. I never in my life have made such a huge mistake what the heck was i thinking dating a woman who lives 47 miles away. I really did not mind driving to see her at first but she has only come 9 times to my house in 11 months (ridiculous) I have a lot of hatred towards her right now and I hate seeing her period. I want to be a good father if child is mine but how can i do this with her and her family so much against me.

[ImaFita]

Ynguns2.

I feel your pain, a very similar thing has happened to myself.

I was sleeping with a girl for a couple months, she said she was on the pill and could NOT have kids.

In my case though, as soon as she got pregant she insisted I tell my family - who she did not know.

My family then doted and fussed over her and she has used my son to get them on side.

I haven't been allowed to see my son while all my family see him - so long as they go through her.

In this time I have been painted out as a violent criminal with a drinking problem - I've never drank or been violent.

After 3 years of being kept away from my son, she tells anyone that listens that I neglect him and haven't wanted to see him.

So I get supervised visits recently, they were going really well, now she starts saying my son is sick before every visit.

Now I will head to court soon.

Sorry for the long winded reply, but in my experience - if I had my time over again - I would not of waited to go to court.

Even though I had to wait for mediation and visits which chewed up time, I'd of been more aggressive in the early stages to get to court.

If you believe that this girl  is completely dictating you, has completely wronged you, and isn't right in the head - then you are going to have to fight for what you believe in. There is no point being angry about the situation, it will eat you up everyday.

You need to let go of any anger, because moving forward it will not help your daughter.

Keep the focus about what is best for your daughter and fight for your right to be involved as a father.

Good luck buddy.

[ynguns2]

I am so sorry IMafita that is horrible and plain evil. I have had enough with women anymore. I feel better off alone I dont like seeing Kelly at all she is doom and gloom and I think blames me for all this. I never wanted to have a kid and not be married so when she found out she was pregnant I wanted to start a family but she raised the bar way to high for me to even consider this. I am in a jam and have to accept this the only thing I can hope is if I have to constantly be battling to see my kid I pray she is not mine for sake of her.

[sfbayjed]

Why did they yell "Get Out" at the birth?   That is not a normal thing to do to a new father is it?

[ynguns2]

Hello I am sorry I took so long to reply to your post it's just that so much has gone down that i am in shambles. To answer your question on why i was yelled to get out of the birthing room that day " I really don't know " I have done everything possible to make this work and get nothing in response.

She texted me that morning and said "water broke going to hospital" I immediately jumped in shower as I had just got home from working my shift at the firehouse. I get there in an hour or so and then was told "get out" I tried calling her mom on way to hospital and no response and also called her too. I don't understand why she could not call me and tell me rather then a text? I am this portrayed villain and I am tired of it too.

A week ago I was asked by her to come with my mom to see the baby. My mom really is excited being a grandma and I was happy to go see the baby considering I have not seen her in almost a month. We arrive at her house and here comes a sheriff dept. deputy who gives me a summons to appear in court "Emergency Injunction" She set me up and i told my mom "We are outta here" I called my attorney and advised what happened he said "We will talk monday"

Monday comes around and I go to his office and show him papers he says to me " You need to get an Illinois attorney now " I said the whole point of me filing in Indiana was because I was told by him (Attorney) that I needed to do this and now I am scrambling for an attorney because my court date was on wed Aug, 27th.

I called numerous attorneys and they all said because child and mother live in Illinois and i live in Indiana that it will be the state of IL to justify visitation and support.

I met with an attorney who is a personal friend and he tells me that my lawyer mislead me and why did he not have pat test done already?

[ForeverDad]

I have a court date next month and she received a notice and is pissed at me.

I called numerous attorneys and they all said because child and mother live in Illinois and I live in Indiana that it will be the state of IL to justify visitation and support.

Good that you are contacting multiple attorneys.  Not every lawyer is up to the task of dealing with a high-conflict unwinding of a relationship AKA custody war.

It's possible your first lawyer had the option to file in your own jurisdiction and it is not surprising that in response she has filed her own papers in her state.  But the baby is with her and apparently that trumps your case.

I met with an attorney who is a personal friend and he tells me that my lawyer mislead me and why did he not have pat test done already?

I agree, a paternity test is one of the first things to request in court, especially since you are suspicious about the timing.  For a father to ask for a paternity test is not unreasonable.  (What is unreasonable is for a mother to ask for a paternity test, we've actually heard it being threatened according to members here, I mean, it speaks to the mother's own fidelity.)

Be aware she will likely make allegations you're an abuser or abusive, if she hasn't already.  Anticipate allegations, be prepared, counter them with documentation that by all accounts you're a reasonably normal person.  If you're confirmed as father then you'll almost certainly need a Custody Evaluation by an experienced and perceptive custody evaluator, not someone she picks who could be biased, gullible or just pain inept.

And yes, the breast feeding excuse is crap.  Many mothers even work and express their milk for use by the sitter or spouse.

we were both recently out of toxic relationships

Unless your friends know her really well, isn't it likely that her 'toxic' relationship was toxic because of her, not he ex?  It's typical that a disordered acting-out person will always describe prior ended relationships as abusive, manipulative, etc.  (I bet she claims that you're abusive or an abuser as justification to reject you and paint you black.)  It is all part of that Blaming or Blame Shifting.  No one wants to have blame, but that need is extreme with people with BPD.

From the sounds of it, it could be "like mother, like daughter".  Mother may not just be enabling her daughter but could even be egging her on.  We don't know, we haven't met her.

However, be very very careful not to say you hate her to her lawyer, any evaluators or the court.  The reason is that you want them to see you as a reasonably normal concerned parent, not an angry man.  Sadly, it's easy for a man, even one justifiably angry, to get labeled and punished.  Don't give her any ammunition.  You have a right to be angry, but you can't let that be who you are - or who you are seen to be by others, in particular, the professionals in the case.  You can talk frankly with your own lawyer, your personal counselor, your very trusted friends and your family.  But really, why not try to resolve that anger because it just won't help you long term, could complicate your case and leave you stuck.  Look up the "5 stages of grieving a loss" or a failed relationship.  Your goal is to focus your positive energy on being a parent.  Once you confirm it is yours.

[ynguns2]

Hi hall on here I had a great appt. with attorney today. i am glad I have a team working for me and I found out that once the test is done and if the child is mine i will be able to have overnights asap which is good because i am tired of of the constant guessing game. I am also glad to hear that I can also claim her on my taxes every other year which will really help me out financially. The way i see it i will be spending money on my daughter when i am with her and given the fact that she makes more money then I do I just want peace and happiness.

[Harlequin]

Hope all goes well with the paternity test for you  , tho shared parenting sucks it is great to be a dad.  Not to mention no more rumeration and late nights for you.

You were right to resist in being guilt tripped into the ring and marriage , well done.  Marriage is something that is out of love and mutual respect , not expected,.  Sounds like you dodged a bullet with two controllers

[ynguns2]

I agree marriage is about being madly in love not just because you have a child. I tried everything now I am fighting for my daughter if she is mine. I will not be strongarmed into anything especially from a control freak like her.

I really thought it was rude that she sat on the computer while I visited the child with my mon and she did not even offer us a glass of water or a coffee. She texted me saying she was mad my mother was there and that I could have asked her I told her she never asked me when she brought her mom to every doctor visit.

[ForeverDad]

I had a great appt. with attorney today. i am glad I have a team working for me and I found out that once the test is done and if the child is mine i will be able to have overnights asap which is good because i am tired of of the constant guessing game.

Be aware those are assumptions the lawyers made.  Yes, they are typical outcomes.  But you are dealing with a very entitled, obstructive parent (and grandparent too apparently).  They will try to find ways to obstruct in ways that will flummox your attorneys.  It may not thwart your case but it will certainly cause delays along the way.  Be aware.  Beware.  Keep your cool, remember, you can be angry at her actions, claims and obstructions but never ever be seen as an Angry Man.

For example, she could allege you are an abusive person and she's concerned about your child's safety.  The courts will sit up, take notice and put your parenting on hold until evaluators can check you out.  (1) And when they report they have "no concerns" about you they won't call her a liar, they'll just passively state the allegations were "unsubstantiated".  (2) Ex can just keep making new allegations and each one will have to be addressed.  The hot-topic allegations are DV, threat of DV, child abuse, child neglect and child endangerment.  After all, the court will reason that maybe on the 20th allegation there might be something to it.  Eventually the court may decide her credibility is weakened, but it takes a lot for a court to do that.

My ex would make new allegations slightly different from the ones before, generally just before a major hearing or when she had done something to make herself look bad and she felt she had to make me look worse than her.  I can't count them all.  They ranged from ridiculous to extreme.  The first was that I had taken him to the park and I let him fall off his bike (not even a scratch) and chip his elbow.  More extreme was when I gave her 30 days notice and took my son on vacation and she tried to get an Amber Alert declared.  Worst were allegations I had done $*#ual things to him, even perverted stuff.  Horrible!  Oh and what did he disclose to the hospital nurse, as logged in the medical record?  "I wish I could see my dad more."

[Harlequin]

She prob was quiet in the corner on computer because if she was normal acting in front of your mother, her well crafted mask would been seen through , and she wanted you alone so she could rant at you and make you feel bad for upsetting her entitlement.  She prob had a big rant all ready for you . They believe they are right all the time,

And best if all communication is email or text

[ynguns2]

Yup she was very quiet and sneaky in my opinion. I just let it roll off my back.

[scraps66]

Man, this sounds like my story and a teacher!

[ynguns2]

Just had court yesterday and the judge denied me a dna test. I am lost in this whole situation.

[ForeverDad]

Was it because this was the wrong stage of the legal process?

What is to stop you from doing a DNA test that isn't ordered by the court on one of your parenting times when separate from her and her family?  Maybe it could never be used in court but it would at least resolve your personal concerns whether this is actually your child or not.  Knowing would at least let you know better what options you want to use.

[ForeverDad]

I had a great appt. with attorney today. I am glad I have a team working for me and I found out that once the test is done and if the child is mine i will be able to have overnights asap which is good because i am tired of of the constant guessing game.

So you can't have a DNA test to determine whether you really are the father you were led to believe (ex recently confessed to being with another about that time) yet you also had hopes that a DNA test would confirm you were father so you could get overnights?

Huh?  Frankly, DNA testing is for one reason or the other reason or both reasons, not neither!

So ask the judge, "So if the court's position is that I cannot disprove I am the father, then why haven't I all along gotten the standard overnights that fathers get and why don't I right now get the standard overnights that fathers get?  I'm either the father or not the father, it is impossible to be neither.

First, Y should be able to get a DNA test based on recent admissions or allegations from the mother to him that she was not in an exclusive relationship with him, thereby only recently for the first time raising the issue that the child might not be his.

Second, Y had been consistently denied normal access to the child by the mother that any father would normally have and a DNA test is required in order to prove he is the father so that the court can be compelled to order he get normal father's access to the child.

Denying DNA tests prevents Y from both (1) being the correctly-identified father and also (2) being the father with normal unrestricted parenting."

[clydegriffith]

I feel your pain as this happend to me as well only i wasn't the first guy she did it to or the last. She's had 4 kids by 3 different guys in a little under 6 years and i'm paying close to $1,000 in child support for a child i physically see one weekend every two months because she moved 8 hours away. If there's a foregin country you can go to and start over get to packing.

[ynguns2]

Hi all I have finally got the DNA ordered from the judge. I am pissed because the judge admitted guilt by not following law and because of his ridiculous mistake I am not only paying for a freaking DNA test but also attorney costs. I am scheduled for this tuesday to have the test performed and I had been told they cannot get a hold of the baby mama and her voice mailbox is full. I hope she realizes she has till this tuesday or the test will not be ready for our court date on Nov 7th. I feel either way I will be sure if I am the father or not and it will look good in court because she is playing the hardball game and once tests are in if the child is mine i want my last name as her last name and feel that if I pay support and am going to be a part of this childs life why would she deny me this.

Jim

[Nope]

I'm glad to hear the court finally took appropriate action. Although in a belated and more costly way. Be prepared for your ex to create obstacles and delay proceedings as much as possible. Is there anything in the wording of the DNA test order that says she will be in contempt of court if she doesn't get the test done by a specific date? Is there anything in the order saying the test has to be completed with results available before the hearing?