I hope I wasn't out of line.

[Nope]

Every non parent and step parent has such a thin line to walk so that they are being honest with the kids without bad mouthing their BPD parent. As the step mom of a SD11 I am often in the position of having some pretty serious conversions with the kiddo. We have a great and trusting relationship and although she knows her mom hates me, she doesn't see me as hating her mom back. More that I see her mom's attitude and behavior as something that needs to be navigated and sometimes worked around. Much like she seems to see her mom as well. She loves her mom and us very loyal as the favored child. But I get the sense that deep in her heartcshe knows something isn't right with her mom.

The back story is that a couple of years ago her mom bought her an expensive MP3 player. SD was nine. Before it was even a year old she dropped it and smashed the front. Her mom got really mad at her for being so irresponsible and wouldn't get it fixed. She finally promised SD that she'd get it fixed last Feb and never did. As it happened, my DH had a recent birthday and I got him a brand new MP3 player. He gave his old one to D11. It happens to be the same exact model she broke at her mom's when she was 9.

Last night she asked me if she thought her dad would let her bring the MP3 player to her mom's. I knew that DH's answer would be no, but I also know that DH has an even harder time navigating issues of explaining things to SD11 than I do. His answer would likely be, "Because I said so." But that's only because he is often at a loss. I feel that, since we would let her take an MP3 player to her mom's in a more "normal" situation, it wasn't fair for DH to have to come across as the bad guy. So I told SD11 the truth: I asked her if she remembered the time her mom got mad at her dad and smashed the cell phone that he was supposed to be able to call her and her brother on. She did remember what I was talking about. (Her brother actually told DH about how the phone actually "broke".) I told her that her father wouldn't want to send out the MP3 player because he's concerned her mom would get mad again and break that as well.

SD11 took maybe one full second to think about this before saying that maybe it would be best if she could get her mother to fix the broken MP3 player that's already at her house instead of bringing her new one. She obviously saw the wisdom in what I was saying. Then we brain stormed about how maybe asking for the MP3 player to be fixed as a Christmas gift might be one safe option.

So thoughts? A little toi far? Not far enough? Just about right?

[Swiggle]

I don't think so. I think you did a great job of helping her understand the dynamic without having to tell her that her mom is crazy. You explained the previous situation in a factual/neutral manner and let her come to her own conclusion about mom's behavior. And helped her problem solve how to best get what she needs from mom. good job 

[GaGrl]

I know that by the age of 8-9, our grandaughter (DH's grandaughter, my step) had figured out that her bio grandmother (DH's ex) was "not quite right."

I'm sure your SD, at 11, has reached the age that she handles more complex thought and can be logical about these types of things.

[mywifecrazy]

Just curious. You mention your SD knows that her mom has issues. Have you or your husband ever talker to SD about her Moms issues?

The reason I ask is because I have talked to my son (14) about his Moms issues. I felt that I had no,other choice because she was telling him some serious lies about me. Also the fact that my uBPDxw was painting her own family black and it was up to me to take them to see their Gram, aunts and uncles. She was also manipulating my son with lies, tears and victimhood. I felt it was necessary for me to talk him as well as his Gram and Uncle on uBPDxw's side of the family. I could see that he was blaming himself for what his Mom was doing without knowing she had... .l issues. I often wonder what would be worse. Blaming Himself or knowledge that his Mom has this illness?

Just curious how you handled it.

MWC... .

[ForeverDad]

You did a great jobs of combining observations, validation and problem-solving.  Good guidance.  Teaching her to how to think and how to trust her own observations - and keep them - is so important.  Be aware that one day with her mother can undo it, children of a parent who is pressuring and hugely inconsistent and blaming can produce kids who have a hard time holding onto their conclusions of reality.  It will be a process of empowering her, relapses and setbacks will happen during visits with her mother, hopefully less and less with each visit as time goes on and as she gets older.

Odds are her mother won't fix the broken unit, she'll blame dad if for nothing else than by claiming that without child support she doesn't have any money to fix it.

Fortunately the visits won't be long ones, it's not like she would be without it for weeks.

[Nope]

[/quote]

Just curious. You mention your SD knows that her mom has issues. Have you or your husband ever talker to SD about her Moms issues?

No two kids are exactly alike with the exact same relationship with their BPD parent. I honestly don't think that the best approach for one child would necessarily be the best for another. For example, my skids BPD mom goes through bouts of trash talking about my DH to the kids. Pure attempts at total alienation. However, because she also goes through bouts of wanting a recycle where she tells the kids about the good times when she and DH were married (they were too young to remember) and actually pulls out the old wedding pictures, the kids have basically come to view her rages about their dad for what they probably truly are: misplaced anger and a whole lot of regret for having pushed him away. SD11 has even said as much about her view of why her mom always screams at her dad. She also recognizes that a byproduct of her mother's misplaced rage is that her parents can't really work together and agree on anything. That's all well and good enough for now, but what she hasn't gotten to yet is the part where it's ok to expect her mother to behave better than that. And why should she? As the "all good" child and still not even being a teen yet, the real impact of her mother's disorder hasn't yet effected her in any way that she understands to be wrong or not normal parenting. Some things will need to happen in their own time.

But, like others here, I refuse to let a lie stand. If she lies to them, and we hear about it, we correct the misinformation. You can tell a kid the truth without mentioning their mom. An example would be if the BPD mom was supposed to visit but told the kid she didn't have the money and that DH refused to help her so she couldn't and it's all his fault. Simply saying that DH did offer to help as much as he could and it just didn't work out is a correction of misinformation without saying "Your mom's a lying liar who lies out of her lying lie hole"... .Which might be what you really want to say, but it's not helpful to the kid who's going to live mom anyway and just be more hurt.

Odds are her mother won't fix the broken unit, she'll blame dad if for nothing else than by claiming that without child support she doesn't have any money to fix it.

I don't think she'll fix it either but at least as a Christmas gift would be a safe way to ask her to that isn't likely to produce a guilt/rage reaction. As for her ever-present excuse of not having the money. Well, the kid has eyes and can see her mom's designer jeans, nice watch, expensive cell phone, tanning packages etc etc. She is just now getting to an age where watching her mom do things for herself and not do things for her is starting to make an impression.

[GaGrl]

We are currently dealing with rather blatant lies from DH's ex, also... .her attempts to rewrite history and, I don't know, erase actions and behaviors that no one else in the family will ever forget. Fortunately, GD13 knows enough to check in with her mother before accepting any suspicious story from the Ex.