Is she playing games?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So me and my uBPDexgf work at the same place but in different departments. For the first couple of months after she broke up with me she avoided me like the plague. Now it seems as though she may be walking by me on purpose without acknowledging me. I don't acknowledge her either. On days when I have to walk by her because of work stuff she doesn't seem to walk by me but on days where I don't walk by she seems to make an excuse to do so once a day. Now today she was wearing a jacket with the new guys (victim) name on it. I'm sure she knows someone is going to tell me. So my question is, is she doing this to try to get my attention. I've read that exBPDs cant stand it if you ignore them, which is what I've been doing. Could this be her way of trying to feel me out for possible re-engage? Have not dealt with all this before. We just broke up 2 and a half months ago so I don't have a bunch of recycles. Should I expect such an attempt at some point? She has this new guy (who she had lined up before our breakup) and she seems to be either trying to stick it in my face or in everyone elses like shes trying to convince herself and everyone else that she did the right thing.

If you want to read my original post about how we broke up and such

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234175.0

[hattrick]

So me and my uBPDexgf work at the same place but in different departments. For the first couple of months after she broke up with me she avoided me like the plague. Now it seems as though she may be walking by me on purpose without acknowledging me. I don't acknowledge her either. On days when I have to walk by her because of work stuff she doesn't seem to walk by me but on days where I don't walk by she seems to make an excuse to do so once a day. Now today she was wearing a jacket with the new guys (victim) name on it. I'm sure she knows someone is going to tell me. So my question is, is she doing this to try to get my attention. I've read that exBPDs cant stand it if you ignore them, which is what I've been doing. Could this be her way of trying to feel me out for possible re-engage? Have not dealt with all this before. We just broke up 2 and a half months ago so I don't have a bunch of recycles. Should I expect such an attempt at some point? She has this new guy (who she had lined up before our breakup) and she seems to be either trying to stick it in my face or in everyone elses like shes trying to convince herself and everyone else that she did the right thing.

If you want to read my original post about how we broke up and such

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234175.0

[maxen]

hi hattrick    thanks for the link to your OP. i read through some of that.

it must be awfully stressful to work in the same place with your exgf. really, i can't imagine it. i think you're doing pretty well to persist!

So my question is, is she doing this to try to get my attention.

in your OP you mention that she was engaged. is this still the case? and, if she is trying to get your attention, do you want to give it to her? if she does come back on to you, how do you think you'd react?

[hattrick]

As far as I know she is still engaged although personally unless the wedding is pretty quick I don't think it will ever get to the alter. As far as giving her attention I wont be giving it to her while she's playing games. If she came to me and asked to talk I'm sure I would listen. If she's trying to get me to come to her, well that isn't going to happen. I tried to talk to her during work a couple weeks after the breakup and she basically wanted nothing to do with me and seemed to still be in blaming mode.

Now the story gets even stranger. Today I'm at work. Never so much as saw her (I know she was there). First this morning a co-worker comes to me and says he was talking with her about us and she was telling him that I was a good guy and we had lots of good times together. He said she told him that I was going to make some woman very happy someday. Then apparently she started to reminisce about tv shows we watched together. So of course I was like huh? Then this afternoon another co-worker tells me that she had been talking to the exgf. She said that the exgf had told her I'm a good guy too. The 2 people who told me this are known as people who would probably tell me if she was talking about me so I'm thinking this could have been her planting these conversations knowing it would get back to me. Is this typical behavior for a BPD?

Honestly if she does come back I don't know how I would react. The thing is when she is in her "right mind" she is the most caring, loving, generous person. She was that way for almost 6 years. But the last time we talked she was completely like a different person all together. Like someone I've never known. Cold, callous, selfish. Like someone who doesn't care who she hurts even if its her own children.

I know my heart would want her back in a second. My brain would be like whoa, not so fast. I think that I would try to get her to agree to a few conditions (like relationship counciling) to begin to come back. And we would need to start back slowly. I would hate to throw away the 6 great years if I don't have to. Plus I really like her kids. Amazing that she accused me of not liking the kids the night we broke up.

[Bak86]

I work with my ex as well and it's been 5 months since we broke up. From experience i can tell that yes, she's probably doing this to get your attention, although she will deny this, when you confront her with her behavior. My ex always tried to sit in a workplace where she could watch me. Always looking me in the eyes. She also talks about other men when i'm around, she goes to the printer when i'm there, stretches out when i'm looking, tries to make small talk, even though i'm not interested etc. etc.

People often say i'm seeing things that aren't there, but i know the real her and i'm pretty damn sure she is trying to play a game.

[hattrick]

Today, I hadn't seen her all day then about 20 minutes after lunch she comes walking right through my department. Not only that but she walks through a section where I usually am. I saw her out of the corner of my eye. My back was to her so I just stayed that way till I was sure she was gone.

If she is doing this for attention, what is the end game? Is she trying to piss me off? Or maybe she's trying to gauge my demeanor toward her? Is this the "feelers" that BPDs send out before an attempted re-engagement?

Knowing her the way I do even if she wants to talk to me she may not try to. She is very non-confrontational. Always has been. Don't know if that's a BPD trait or just her. She seems to be a waif type BPD. Its all so confusing.

I'm not sure what would happen if we did have a talk, but like most I would kill for the opportunity. It's easy for me to speculate but until it happens I'm not sure.

Some people say that she will deffinately try to re-engage at some point while others say she might not. I wish I knew but I have no experience dealing with a BPDex.

[maxen]

hi again hattrick. of course nobody knows the future: she might try to re-engage, she might not. pwBPD are people too: they're individuals, they have personalities, as you indicate you know yourself. my stbxw never raged, is professionally very successful, and has more than one friendship which has lasted decades, things that aren't supposed to be characteristic of BPD. yet she certainly has it, and it destroyed our marriage. one thing that is characteristic of the BD personality is a push-pull dynamic. having driven you away, she wants to keep you within reach. this way she does not feel abandonment, because the end of the r/s will feel to her like abandonment even if she herself caused it. so it's not unimaginable that she is letting on that she still likes you in some way, thinking you'll hear it.

are you okay being in this position?

I'm not sure what would happen if we did have a talk, but like most I would kill for the opportunity.

would you consider approaching her? as it is she's in your head.

[hattrick]

I don't think at this point I'm going to approach her. I'd be glad to talk to her but right now she will have to approach me. Of course she is still in my head. I loved her for 6 years and I'm not BPD. It's hard not to miss our relationship. It was so good for so long and just ended out of the blue.

[peiper]

She's mentally ill and if you keep trying to figure her out you will be too man.

[hattrick]

She's mentally ill and if you keep trying to figure her out you will be too man.

Your probably right. Having said that, One thing that makes it even worse on me is that not only do I believe she has BPD but I'm quite certain she has hypothyroidism as well. Which can cause all sorts of mental issues as well as serious physical problems and in rare instances can be fatal. Plus she is on Prozac and I know has been drinking while on the Prozac.

Now I know some will say to me its not my problem but I cant just stop loving and caring about her. If it were that easy I wouldn't be on this board.

So I'm scared for her physical well-being. But I also cant really confront her about it either since I'm sure she would think I'm telling her this out of jealousy or bitterness. She has 2 great kids that don't deserve to see their mom in this shape.