Brother... Restraining Order games

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPD brother can put a restraining order on me anytime because when I was 15, I had to be involuntary hauled off by the cops and threatened to kill him.  He does so often for reasons like, not allowing me to my moms funeral, when he decides I am to blame for something out of the blue.  I don't even live in the same town as him and when I live in Germany, it isn't an issue but this behavior he pulls has to be illegal,

So what he does, is send me nonstop emails and leaves voice messages and if I respond, I go to jail.  He finds my number out like my mom used to and will get nasty.  I have been no contact with him for years but he still likes to try and rile things up. The court is in my hometown and my manic antics had earned me a reputation there so they don't care and claim I can't do anything about it because he isn't threatening me and that "I should have thought about that when I was choosing to not accept treatment in my youth and creating their problems to begin with.  I will own my part but is this common and is there a law that can stop this type of thing?  I am not the sweetest person when I am chasing the brain high and I own that and regret everything I do but this crap is just annoying.  My mom did it too.  I had 2 exes that were stalkers and mania made it to where the legal system wasn't necessary so I fear having a tad of an up mood and just giving it back to him some day too.

[spemat]

My BPD brother can put a restraining order on me anytime because when I was 15, I had to be involuntary hauled off by the cops and threatened to kill him.  He does so often for reasons like, not allowing me to my moms funeral, when he decides I am to blame for something out of the blue.  I don't even live in the same town as him and when I live in Germany, it isn't an issue but this behavior he pulls has to be illegal,

So what he does, is send me nonstop emails and leaves voice messages and if I respond, I go to jail.  He finds my number out like my mom used to and will get nasty.  I have been no contact with him for years but he still likes to try and rile things up. The court is in my hometown and my manic antics had earned me a reputation there so they don't care and claim I can't do anything about it because he isn't threatening me and that "I should have thought about that when I was choosing to not accept treatment in my youth and creating their problems to begin with.  I will own my part but is this common and is there a law that can stop this type of thing?  I am not the sweetest person when I am chasing the brain high and I own that and regret everything I do but this crap is just annoying.  My mom did it too.  I had 2 exes that were stalkers and mania made it to where the legal system wasn't necessary so I fear having a tad of an up mood and just giving it back to him some day too.

[livednlearned]

Hi spemat,

Are you worried that you will do something to your brother? Even if he seems to be provoking you and trying to rile you up, it sounds as though there might be cause for him to be concerned -- "I fear having a tad of an up mood and just giving it back to him some day too."

It does not take much to get an RO where I live, so perhaps it is the same where he lives. Other than not giving him anything to work with, I'm not sure how to prevent someone from filing an RO, although many people do successfully contest them. Again, though, you have to be able to discount the accusations. It sounds like he is able to point to evidence, and that alone can make ROs legit.

[Waddams]

It sounds like he's just trying to bait you into a response so he can then take actions to hurt you further.  I understand you're owning your issues, but it sounds like maybe he's got some similar issues and is not?  Maybe he's just in a one-up'd position over you due to the history?  NC is definitely the way to deal with it for you, but I understand the frustrations from trying to be NC and having him track you down and start more drama.

One of the arguments that sometimes makes headway against RO's is if the protected person constantly makes contact, tracks you down, etc., it's obvious they aren't really afraid of you.  You can make the argument that he's clearly not in fear of you because he's initiating contact.  Therefore, since he's not in fear, that shows there really isn't a threat that justifies a RO and it should be dropped.  You'd have to file with the court, have a hearing, make the arguments, and convince the judge.  Critical to that effort would also be remaining in compliance with the terms of the RO, ie not answering when we calls, not responding to messages, etc.  Maintaining your side of NC.

As for this:

The court is in my hometown and my manic antics had earned me a reputation there so they don't care and claim I can't do anything about it because he isn't threatening me and that "I should have thought about that when I was choosing to not accept treatment in my youth and creating their problems to begin with.

Overcoming the court's bias from the history can be hard, but I think you can do it if you engage the right help.  Basically a L that can make the argument effectively, and maybe having a T come to testify on your behalf.  They can also provide some coaching for you as to how to testify and help your case.  As well as demonstrated compliance with the order as it currently stands.  Remember he's trying to bait you, and while it's tempting to want to respond and give him a piece of your mind, realize the reaction is what he's really after.  Ignoring and maintaining your side of NC really is the best option because the lack of reaction, the lack of being able to exert some level of control over you, that is what will get back at him the most.

The last thing that comes to mind is perhaps filing for a mutual restraining order that orders you both to remain NC?  He's purposely trying to bait and harass you.  You have a right to live free of that. 

I think the best thing might be to consult a L that specializes in family law and has high conflict experience.  See what an expert says your options for improving the situation is.  Do you have a T?  Talking it out with a T might be good too.

[ForeverDad]

It sounds like he's just trying to bait you into a response so he can then take actions to hurt you further.  I understand you're owning your issues, but it sounds like maybe he's got some similar issues and is not?  Maybe he's just in a one-up'd position over you due to the history?  NC is definitely the way to deal with it for you, but I understand the frustrations from trying to be NC and having him track you down and start more drama.

One of the arguments that sometimes makes headway against RO's is if the protected person constantly makes contact, tracks you down, etc., it's obvious they aren't really afraid of you.  You can make the argument that he's clearly not in fear of you because he's initiating contact.  Therefore, since he's not in fear, that shows there really isn't a threat that justifies a RO and it should be dropped.  You'd have to file with the court, have a hearing, make the arguments, and convince the judge.  Critical to that effort would also be remaining in compliance with the terms of the RO, ie not answering when he calls, not responding to messages, etc.  Maintaining your side of NC.

As for this:

The court is in my hometown and my manic antics had earned me a reputation there so they don't care and claim I can't do anything about it because he isn't threatening me and that "I should have thought about that when I was choosing to not accept treatment in my youth and creating their problems to begin with.

Overcoming the court's bias from the history can be hard, but I think you can do it if you engage the right help.  Basically a L that can make the argument effectively, and maybe having a T come to testify on your behalf.  They can also provide some coaching for you as to how to testify and help your case.  As well as demonstrated compliance with the order as it currently stands.  Remember he's trying to bait you, and while it's tempting to want to respond and give him a piece of your mind, realize the reaction is what he's really after.  Ignoring and maintaining your side of NC really is the best option because the lack of reaction, the lack of being able to exert some level of control over you, that is what will get back at him the most.

The last thing that comes to mind is perhaps filing for a mutual restraining order that orders you both to remain NC?  He's purposely trying to bait and harass you.  You have a right to live free of that.

I think the best thing might be to consult a L that specializes in family law and has high conflict experience.  See what an expert says your options for improving the situation is.  Do you have a T?  Talking it out with a T might be good too.

Lots of good peer support strategies here.  Especially the concept to (1) accept it may be hard to lift an RO and if that can't be done then (2) second best strategy is to try to get the restraining order converted or modified to a mutual one where he has to stop contacting you just as you already cannot contact him.  Yes, what he's doing may not be threats, but it is unwanted contact while he has legal protection not to be contacted and your lawyer could argue in court that it is devious harassment, as in, "I can do this but you can't."  I'm thinking you may not have to prove the highest level of harassment in order to get the restrictions (and consequences) made mutual.

And of course you can't react, overreact or respond, not when you have an order limiting your ability to respond.  Needless to say, violating the existing order won't help you one bit.